Once again, I feel lost.
I don't know why I am doing this. I feel very disengaged from everyone. I have closed my world to everyone.
What is my role in the organisation?
What makes me happy?
What drives me?
What do I want?
I can't feel anything. Yet I am going through many emotions at the same time.
Confusion has set in. Many things going round. Where is my focus? What is my focus?
I don't know anymore.
I really feel like leaving the organisation. Or perhaps, I just need a long break.
I really don't feel like doing anything anymore.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Friday, November 19, 2010
Decisions
Have made a few decisions on how to move forward ....
Where am I heading?
What makes me happy?
1) I need to let go of things that I cant control. I cant control how 09 will react. 09 has chosen that that will be the path and that due to the emotional stress of the past, it can never go back to the past. I need to distance myself from 09 to protect myself. If not, it will be too painful.
2) I want to do more IT healthcare related things, not just pertaining to my current scope of work. I will give myself at most 1 more year. If I am unable to do more IT healthcare related things, I will leave the organisation. I want to be able to handle like what JLTJ is handling. What I am doing now, is it heading in that direction?
3) I will not be a preceptor next year. I am so tired ... so very tired. I don't have anymore to give.
4) I will go for the PM workshop.
5) I will prepare for GMAT such that I can apply for MBA or Master's program. I need to find out what Master's program will do me good.
6) I will let go of 06 and stop wondering why. 06 has never been a friend and it will not be possible for us to be friends.
7) I have given my best to 010. It takes 2 hands to clap. I am very tired in having to manage 010. It has been very challenging indeed.
Where am I heading?
What makes me happy?
1) I need to let go of things that I cant control. I cant control how 09 will react. 09 has chosen that that will be the path and that due to the emotional stress of the past, it can never go back to the past. I need to distance myself from 09 to protect myself. If not, it will be too painful.
2) I want to do more IT healthcare related things, not just pertaining to my current scope of work. I will give myself at most 1 more year. If I am unable to do more IT healthcare related things, I will leave the organisation. I want to be able to handle like what JLTJ is handling. What I am doing now, is it heading in that direction?
3) I will not be a preceptor next year. I am so tired ... so very tired. I don't have anymore to give.
4) I will go for the PM workshop.
5) I will prepare for GMAT such that I can apply for MBA or Master's program. I need to find out what Master's program will do me good.
6) I will let go of 06 and stop wondering why. 06 has never been a friend and it will not be possible for us to be friends.
7) I have given my best to 010. It takes 2 hands to clap. I am very tired in having to manage 010. It has been very challenging indeed.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Lyrics to Fireworks by Katy Perry
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting throught the wind
Wanting to start again
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards
One blow from caving in
Do you ever feel already buried deep
Six feet under scream
But no one seems to hear a thing
Do you know that tehre's still a chance for you
Cause there's a spark in you
You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July
Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what your worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y
Baby you're a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gunna leave 'em fallin' down-own-own
You don't have to feel like a waste of space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow
Maybe you're reason why all the doors are closed
So you can open one that leads you to the perfect road
Katy Perry Firework lyrics found on http://www.directlyrics.com/katy-perry-firework-lyrics.html
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow
And when it's time, you'll know
You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July
Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what your worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y
Baby you're a firework
Come on slet your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gunna leave 'em fallin' down-own-own
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It's always been inside of you, you, you
And now it's time to let it through
Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what your worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y
Baby you're a firework
Come on slet your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gunna leave 'em goin "Oh, oh, oh!"
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
Drifting throught the wind
Wanting to start again
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards
One blow from caving in
Do you ever feel already buried deep
Six feet under scream
But no one seems to hear a thing
Do you know that tehre's still a chance for you
Cause there's a spark in you
You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July
Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what your worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y
Baby you're a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gunna leave 'em fallin' down-own-own
You don't have to feel like a waste of space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow
Maybe you're reason why all the doors are closed
So you can open one that leads you to the perfect road
Katy Perry Firework lyrics found on http://www.directlyrics.com/katy-perry-firework-lyrics.html
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow
And when it's time, you'll know
You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July
Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what your worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y
Baby you're a firework
Come on slet your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gunna leave 'em fallin' down-own-own
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It's always been inside of you, you, you
And now it's time to let it through
Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what your worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y
Baby you're a firework
Come on slet your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gunna leave 'em goin "Oh, oh, oh!"
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Over it
I keep playing this song "Over it". I played this song as I was getting over you. Am I playing this song to get over her? Perhaps with this, I will feel better. Or perhaps it will push me in the right direction.
I have been doing a lot of thinking of late. I know that I need to do something soon.
I have been doing a lot of thinking of late. I know that I need to do something soon.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Right now
I feel terrible nowadays. I have been making mistakes with the roster. I have yet to be able to say no tactfully. I am tired of dealing with people and with their emotions.
I feel that I can no longer think clearly. I feel that I have lost all objectivity. I don't know what to give up. I don't know what to focus on.
I was just reflecting on my potential proteges/juniors
- My first is doing in another org
- My second didnt want to do it anymore
- My third, one of my close hopes, decided to do in another org
- My first p is doing sthg similar in another org
- My "assistant" left to do sthg else
- My current, who is very highly IT savvy, wants to do sthg else
- My second p is still here cos of the influence of another senior
I feel so hopeless. I truly feel like crap.
Perhaps it is time for me to move on. To another org. It will feel too weird to be joining another dept in e same org.
I feel that I can no longer think clearly. I feel that I have lost all objectivity. I don't know what to give up. I don't know what to focus on.
I was just reflecting on my potential proteges/juniors
- My first is doing in another org
- My second didnt want to do it anymore
- My third, one of my close hopes, decided to do in another org
- My first p is doing sthg similar in another org
- My "assistant" left to do sthg else
- My current, who is very highly IT savvy, wants to do sthg else
- My second p is still here cos of the influence of another senior
I feel so hopeless. I truly feel like crap.
Perhaps it is time for me to move on. To another org. It will feel too weird to be joining another dept in e same org.
What next?
I am at a loss .... I don't know see what I should further develop myself in. I don't know if I am staying on just to provide support.
I need to plan for myself what I need to do. What will make me happy? What drives me? I am so sick and tired of talking about the same projects only to see it push back further. I feel bad if I were to leave though as the organisation had sponsored my trip. I feel like joining other teams to develop SCM further. I don't know.
I know that I don't really care much about medication. I don't. I need to clear my head and sort out my thoughts.
What do I want?
What makes me happy?
What drives me?
I need to plan for myself what I need to do. What will make me happy? What drives me? I am so sick and tired of talking about the same projects only to see it push back further. I feel bad if I were to leave though as the organisation had sponsored my trip. I feel like joining other teams to develop SCM further. I don't know.
I know that I don't really care much about medication. I don't. I need to clear my head and sort out my thoughts.
What do I want?
What makes me happy?
What drives me?
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Post
It was painful to have read that post.
Don't I mean anything at all to you as well? It's not like we have been talking much. Yet you miss this other person. Yes, I know that we are on different wavelengths nowadays. I feel so inadequate in talking to you at times. There have been numerous times that I feel really small.
I know that you don't look up to me at all. You look up tonnes to this other person. This is an instance for which I feel that I have failed once again. I don't think I have ever influenced you in any way at all. The reason you are still here is because of this other person. I feel like crap.
I feel terrible each time I hear your laughter. With me, I always get demands from you and you feel upset when your demands can't be met. I feel like crap when I can't do anything to make your requests happen. Yes, there are times when they are possible. There are also times when it just can't happen. The latest incident was when you had chosen to give it up. Then you wanted it back and I'd felt that you were upset with me when it couldn't happen. I mean "What the .... !" I didn't ask you to give it up in the first place.
I don't want to manage you anymore.
I want to distance myself far far far far away from you. Sometimes I just wish that I am no longer around. Maybe I should just quit.
Don't I mean anything at all to you as well? It's not like we have been talking much. Yet you miss this other person. Yes, I know that we are on different wavelengths nowadays. I feel so inadequate in talking to you at times. There have been numerous times that I feel really small.
I know that you don't look up to me at all. You look up tonnes to this other person. This is an instance for which I feel that I have failed once again. I don't think I have ever influenced you in any way at all. The reason you are still here is because of this other person. I feel like crap.
I feel terrible each time I hear your laughter. With me, I always get demands from you and you feel upset when your demands can't be met. I feel like crap when I can't do anything to make your requests happen. Yes, there are times when they are possible. There are also times when it just can't happen. The latest incident was when you had chosen to give it up. Then you wanted it back and I'd felt that you were upset with me when it couldn't happen. I mean "What the .... !" I didn't ask you to give it up in the first place.
I don't want to manage you anymore.
I want to distance myself far far far far away from you. Sometimes I just wish that I am no longer around. Maybe I should just quit.
Monday, November 1, 2010
NUMB
I no longer feel anything anymore. I am numb. Empty inside. The heart is no longer here.
I truly wish that the tears will just fall already. When I'd heard you discussing a case just now with one of them, I felt a tinge of sadness. Yes, I wouldnt have been able to discuss it with you. I feel so useless.
I don't know how much more of this I can take. To see a potential protege choose another institution. To see another potential protege wanting to give it up. To see the current choosing something else. I am at my wits' end. Am I that bad?
I really really really need a break. I am so exhausted. From having to ensure that there are sufficient ppl on the floor. From having to think through and justify my decision. I am really tired. I don't want to bother about anything anymore. I really dont give a freaking damn.
Also I am not a chauffeur. I know that you don't treat me in that manner. It just still hurts that you won't share with me the difficulties that you are going through. It is painful you know. Really painful.
I wish I could walk away from it all. It looks as though I care. I don't know. I really don't give a damn anymore. I no longer care. I no longer care.
I truly wish that the tears will just fall already. When I'd heard you discussing a case just now with one of them, I felt a tinge of sadness. Yes, I wouldnt have been able to discuss it with you. I feel so useless.
I don't know how much more of this I can take. To see a potential protege choose another institution. To see another potential protege wanting to give it up. To see the current choosing something else. I am at my wits' end. Am I that bad?
I really really really need a break. I am so exhausted. From having to ensure that there are sufficient ppl on the floor. From having to think through and justify my decision. I am really tired. I don't want to bother about anything anymore. I really dont give a freaking damn.
Also I am not a chauffeur. I know that you don't treat me in that manner. It just still hurts that you won't share with me the difficulties that you are going through. It is painful you know. Really painful.
I wish I could walk away from it all. It looks as though I care. I don't know. I really don't give a damn anymore. I no longer care. I no longer care.
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