Frustration

I am frustrated and irritated. I thought the holiday in Bangkok would help to take my mind off things. Unfortunately, it was only slightly better. I still could not help but think of you. I miss you so much. Being with you makes me happy. It has been some time since I had last met up with you. I am just going crazy inside. I feel like calling you and talking to you. I miss your caring voice. I miss you caring for me. I wish I could meet up with you soon and have dinner with you to just catch up with you. I wonder how you have been. It makes me happy to see you happy. Initially I was ok at the thought of not having you in my life. Now I am not so sure, which makes this even more painful. I am glad work will be so busy that it will occupy my mind. However when work ends, emptiness creeps in. I just feel like smashing my phone such that I am no longer contactable by anyone.

One more month

I need to hang on for one more month.

I am minimizing contact DRASTICALLY already. I just need to hang on before I completely disappear. I am tired and drained out inside. I need to plan out properly and really just hang on.

A little more. Almost there.

Letter

Dear XXX,

I will be disappearing. Maybe it will be for 6 months, maybe more. I don't know. But I know that I will need to disappear. For my sanity and ultimately, my happiness. I apologize for being a lousy friend much earlier on when I didn't agree to your detachment period. I was selfish. I am now being selfish again by letting you know that I am going to disappear.
To be honest, I hate you right now. I am really really upset with the recent events or non-events.
Anyway, I am returning you your things.
I hope that when I have settled my issues, we can resume our friendship from where it was left off.
I wish other options exist. I can't think of anything else. I am still struggling and the only option is to disappear.
I am sorry.
Thank you for your friendship, spending time with me when you can and encouraging me and being patient with me. Thanks to you, I now want to lead a healthy and active lifestyle.
Thank you.

Auf Wiedersehn

I HATE 12TH JUNE 2008

12th June 2008 - what a day.

I freaking hate that day. If only I had decided differently. Things may have turn out differently. Then again, maybe not. Certain things are beyond my control. The huge wound shall serve as a continuous reminder. The pain, difficulty and immobility. I think I may have thought of a certain image or a particular thought may have popped in and it has led to this. This huge wound that is taking some time to heal. Ironic isnt it .... The wound on my leg will need time to heal. Yet I am not doing anything to allow myself to heal.

My close friends have already advised me. There have been numerous incidents that have pointed out the decision that needs to be made. Yet, I refuse to heed this advice. How much longer am I going to do this to myself? How much longer.

I am honestly angry right now. Angry with so many things. I am angry with you. I feel like I hate you right now. I just want to scream my lungs out!!! DAMN IT !!!! DAMN YOU!!!!!

I am going to disappear.

I don't think it will affect you in any way. I don't think you will even shed one tear. And here I am, crying again.

Wound

How ironic. The physical wound that happened on that day coincided with a decision made. If only a different decision was made. Events would have turned out differently. It is definitely eating me inside now that I know why the request was made. How stupid can I be? Enough is enough.

The physical wound and pain is a reminder of the inner turmoil. I am numbing out the inner turmoil. I am glad that I have the physical wound and pain to remind me of the decision I am going to make.

I AM GOING TO DISAPPEAR!!!

Damn it, you will be someone else's problem. You have so many friends anyway to take care of you, to keep you company and to hang out with you. I am also sure you have someone to drive you to work and back etc.

I AM CUTTING YOU OUT OF MY LIFE!!!

AUF WIEDERSEHN!!!!!

Disappearance

I am sad and upset that I will have to disappear. I have no idea how long it will be. Some have said that it will be for 1 or 2 years. Initially I thought 1 or 3 months at most will suffice. Now I feel that it will have to be for at least 6 months. I keep going through the same cycle over and over again. I am sure my friends are tired of hearing the same old story. I know my friends also want to see me get better. I need time to heal and recover. Deep down, my tears are flowing non-stop as I cannot imagine my life without you in it. It scares me to death. Right now, I keep wishing it is possible. If it had been for at least 1 day or even better, 1 month, it would have been more worthwhile.

I keep running through the options and still wonder if there is another way out. It keeps pointing back to the same answer. I was asked how much longer am I going to keep doing this to myself. It has to stop. I have to tell you I will be disappearing. I cannot just disappear like that. It would not be fair to you. I am sorry that I have to take this option.

It still hurts that I am not by your side as often as I would like to. I get jealous that you are spending so much of your time with others. I know I have no right to impose that you spend time with me. Not that you will do it anyway.

For my sanity and happiness, I need to disappear. I want to.

Inner turmoil

I thought I had overcome it. I was happy the past few days. I still have not realized that it is the cycle starting all over again. How much longer am I going to do this to myself? I am tired of going through it all over again. I should just do it already. Instead of wondering what-if, I shall just come clean and do what should have been done many months ago.

Please give me the strength to see it through.