1 week to the show

It will be one week to the show. I wish you were watching with us. Sometimes I feel that it would have been better if I had not declared the time-out officially or at least postpone till after the show. However I know that I would have gone crazy if I had just kept quiet and pretended things are normal. I wonder how you have been. A selfish part of me wishes that you wanted to give me a call or that you missed me slightly. I am sure that if you asked I would have met up with you. Nonetheless, I am glad that you have kept to your word that when I am ready, I will contact you. I hope that I will have resolved my issues by the end of this year. Worse case, I'll just pass you your documents and walk away. Sigh.

Weekends are tough

I miss you so much. It hits me really badly on weekends. I still remember the times that we'd spent together on weekends. It was so enjoyable. With you, I only remember the good times. I don't recall the unpleasantness so vividly. With you out of my life has been a tough decision I had to make. I still wonder what is the difference between being miserable then and being miserable now. At least I was happier previously. I know I need to do this to get better. The wound on my leg has yet to heal completely. If this takes so long, what more the heart. I don't even know if I will have sorted this out by end of the year. It is still so very painful. I had cried last night. I have been suppressing my feelings for this week. Being busy at work has helped but weekends are tough.

I miss you.

Still not easy

It's been 2 week since the official time out. I still miss you. I feel like calling you to hear your voice again, to hear you. It still pains me that you are not around. When I look around me and I see that things have changed, I really need to move on, to get used that you are no longer next to me.

Even though, I am not spiralling downwards and am moving, I still miss you.

I miss you.

Focusing on the big picture

Time and again, I am reminded to focus on the big picture. A few things at work have happened. Of course I still have yet to truly heal. Each time an obstacle comes along the way, I feel like giving up. When I internalise that I should look at the big picture, it helps a great deal.

After getting the talking to and realising a few things along the way, I want to focus on these things
- to be a good preceptor
- to ensure that the preparation for the new hospital is well taken care off
- to ensure that when the doors for the new hospital open, what I can do in my capacity has ensured as much as possible the vision that has been shared
- to ensure my sis does well
- to ensure my bro gets a job he wants
- to ensure my family is doing good
- to run 20km at the standard chartered marathon end of year

I have had enough

When I returned you the money for the show yesterday, I was not prepared for the 2 shocks, to see your friend next to you and to realise that I could not get you on the hp because she was on the line with your hp.

After I had parked my car and walked in to look for you, I had called you to ask you where you were. When you didn't pick up the call, I had thought you were busy dispensing. As I was walking along the corridor, I saw 2 figures walking in my direction. I truly did not recognise that it was you until very much nearer. Of course I knew who was besides you. Who else can it be? When I saw that she was on the hp, I did not think much of it. I was trembling when I was returning you the money. Perhaps it was just me but I thought I felt that it was quite odd to pretend that things are ok. I guess you were trying to make things as normal as possible. I was counting the money and making sure that it was correct. I was trying very hard to be nonchalant. Imagine my shock when your friend passed the hp back to you. No wonder I could not get you. She was on your hp. My immediate thoughts were why was she using your hp? Was it something that you couldnt handle? When you had then asked if I had miss-called you, I said yeah. When you said that you guys were going for lunch, I said ok. After saying our goodbyes, I had then walked off in a purposeful manner towarads OP as I wanted to see the self-reg kiosk there. I am glad that I did not break down at all. I am truly glad to be in my logical manner.

Nonetheless, I am glad that I have given you back your money. It was at the back of my mind incessantly.

It was nice seeing you again. You looked good in pink.

A part of me wished that you will miss me or that you will break down at being treated in such a casual manner.

Facing reality

I am glad I had talked to a good friend about going crazy. I had gotten a scolding but I am glad. It has helped to put things into perspective and has helped me focus on what I need to do for myself.

It was painful and harsh but that is the only way to wake me up.

Slowly but surely I will get there.

Still too early

When I called you to say that I need to return you some of your stuff, hearing that you were busy was tough for me. When you mentioned that you were going out tonight, it hit me like a tonne of bricks. My immediate thoughts were who were you going out with? Why were you going out so late? After those immediate thoughts, I immediately brushed them off and focused on when I could just get over passing to you the remaining things.

I still miss those days when we hung out a lot. Alas that is the past that will never ever happen anymore.

I miss you.