Where is the light

Dear boss,

I give up. I freaking give up. I really don't know how much longer I can continue like this anymore. I cannot believe that I feel miserable when I am on leave. I thought taking a day off would help matters. Instead, I don't feel any better. I don't know what it will take to feel better anymore. I actually broke down today. I feel that I have gone beyond the deformation point. I am disillusioned and I am freaking tired.

Thank you for your patience and coaching me. Unfortunately I don't think I can contribute anymore. There is no way I can be a helpdesk and still prepare for the future plans.

Thank you once again.

Yours sincerely,

How do I press on

Right now, it is very hard to see what I can do to press on. Each time, the feelings of giving up keep returning very quickly. I am not drowning. I have drowned and sunk to the bottom that I don't even know if I can come up for air anymore. I really don't know how to manage.

Sometimes, I feel like I am supposed to solve everyone's problems. Yes, to a certain extent. There is however only one of me. I really feel like giving up.

I feel like I am on the verge of a breakdown.

Emotions

I miss being a robot, where I don't feel angry, I don't feel pain and I don't feel the hurt. Right now there is no happiness to feel so it sure feels like being a robot is best.

Moments of happiness have been long gone. I cannot even remember what it feels like.

Big picture

What is the big picture for me? What are the pieces I need to let go? What do I live for? What do I die for?

Recently there have been many issues that have occurred. One after another, the issues kept on coming. I don't know if I have what it takes to hang on anymore. Previously, I could fall back on the delusion that you will make me happy. Now, I'm like, that will so not work. Maybe I am moving on in this aspect.

I am really tired though. I don't know what to fight for anymore or if the fight is even worth while.

What will make me happy?

Good start to the month

Had gone jogging last Sunday. Despite the fact that the iPOD had run out of battery, I had managed to jog the intended distance completely and not at too slow a pace I feel. I felt good that day! I had also completed reading the book that a close friend had lent me. It was an enjoyable read.

I felt that I had started the month off well and had come out of the rut that I was stuck in.

I also hope that my yearnings for the past has decreased tremendously. I don't know. I still miss you once in a while but I feel a whole lot better.

I should have just told you way in the beginning that there was no way that I could be friends with you. It would have been too difficult and painful. Now I fully understand the reason why. It makes so much sense now why I had felt that way. You are a whole lot more than just a friend to me. Oh well, I enjoyed the companionship.

Sometimes, I still wonder. It could be the ego talking but oh well.

It is still not easy but it is a lot better. Much better.

Dreams

I wonder why I am still doing this. I no longer know why each day I wake up, I travel to the same place. I feel that I have lost my purpose and direction. Am I following my dreams? Is this how I had envisioned my life to be? Sometimes I feel like I am slogging away like crazy for no reason. I am tired when people ask me questions. I am tired and no longer want to improve things. Maybe it is time for a long break.

Awesome day

The day ended well yesterday. I am relieved as to how things have worked out.

Had hung out and had dinner with a dear friend. Had enjoyed myself! It felt like I was catching up on the good old days. It has been enjoyable. Am glad to be ending off the day on a high !

Was touched when I was offered something I liked. I was also surprised when my dear friend paid for my dinner. It was a nice gesture. It was a wonderful touch. Usually when I go out for dinner with the past, I will pay for everything. I am partly to blame for not asking to go dutch. Oh well. That past is now past.

I am thankful that the closeness between my and my dear friend had remained. I shudder when I remember the past when a careless mistake would have led to me losing something truly meaningful and precious. And this would have been at the expense of something so not worth while.

Had truly enjoyed yesterday! :)