Feeling better

I am glad that I am feeling much better now. The week had started out terribly and I was just in pain. I had never felt that way before. I feel bad to have displayed my anger so outwardly on Wednesday. I vow to never be like that anymore. I need to remind myself of the blessings in my life. I realize that I have spent my days dreading tomorrow and it was terrible. I just need to enjoy my days one day at a time.

Interesting blog

I had read you blog. I wonder if you have messed up with your good friend and that's why the blog. Or is it just put up with no reason? A part of me wished that it was directed at me. I know it's wishful thinking as I have never been a major part of your life though you were a huge part of mine. Oh well... Maybe you had made a mess of things with any of your other friends. I don't know.

Anyway I hope you have made it up with your friend if you had indeed messed up. Or maybe that was just put up with no reason behind it.

Where is the light

Dear boss,

I give up. I freaking give up. I really don't know how much longer I can continue like this anymore. I cannot believe that I feel miserable when I am on leave. I thought taking a day off would help matters. Instead, I don't feel any better. I don't know what it will take to feel better anymore. I actually broke down today. I feel that I have gone beyond the deformation point. I am disillusioned and I am freaking tired.

Thank you for your patience and coaching me. Unfortunately I don't think I can contribute anymore. There is no way I can be a helpdesk and still prepare for the future plans.

Thank you once again.

Yours sincerely,

How do I press on

Right now, it is very hard to see what I can do to press on. Each time, the feelings of giving up keep returning very quickly. I am not drowning. I have drowned and sunk to the bottom that I don't even know if I can come up for air anymore. I really don't know how to manage.

Sometimes, I feel like I am supposed to solve everyone's problems. Yes, to a certain extent. There is however only one of me. I really feel like giving up.

I feel like I am on the verge of a breakdown.

Emotions

I miss being a robot, where I don't feel angry, I don't feel pain and I don't feel the hurt. Right now there is no happiness to feel so it sure feels like being a robot is best.

Moments of happiness have been long gone. I cannot even remember what it feels like.

Big picture

What is the big picture for me? What are the pieces I need to let go? What do I live for? What do I die for?

Recently there have been many issues that have occurred. One after another, the issues kept on coming. I don't know if I have what it takes to hang on anymore. Previously, I could fall back on the delusion that you will make me happy. Now, I'm like, that will so not work. Maybe I am moving on in this aspect.

I am really tired though. I don't know what to fight for anymore or if the fight is even worth while.

What will make me happy?

Good start to the month

Had gone jogging last Sunday. Despite the fact that the iPOD had run out of battery, I had managed to jog the intended distance completely and not at too slow a pace I feel. I felt good that day! I had also completed reading the book that a close friend had lent me. It was an enjoyable read.

I felt that I had started the month off well and had come out of the rut that I was stuck in.

I also hope that my yearnings for the past has decreased tremendously. I don't know. I still miss you once in a while but I feel a whole lot better.

I should have just told you way in the beginning that there was no way that I could be friends with you. It would have been too difficult and painful. Now I fully understand the reason why. It makes so much sense now why I had felt that way. You are a whole lot more than just a friend to me. Oh well, I enjoyed the companionship.

Sometimes, I still wonder. It could be the ego talking but oh well.

It is still not easy but it is a lot better. Much better.