Hormonal

I seriously hope it's the hormones. This morning, I had woken up with a heavy heart. I suddenly missed you. I have so much difficulty in letting go. When I had read one of the obituaries today "Without you in my life, it has no meaning and purpose." I remembered what it was like. I remembered how it was that how my life revolved around. I remembered how I wanted to take care of you and to protect you. I wouldn't even let you get wet in the rain. If only I had taken a step back then to reflect and to stay away then. I am in it so deep now that I am having much difficulty climbing out of it.

I wished I didn't feel this way. It really is silly that I am being emotional when you don't give a damn. That may be too harsh but how it has always been is that, you will do what suits you. You don't even feel a tiny bit about me. I don't even know if you treasure my friendship. And here I am, missing you.
I wonder when will I ever get better.

Swimming and jogging

I cant believe I had gone jogging after swimming. Though it was not much and I didnt complete the number of intended rounds, I was happy with the effort. I felt like going home. Yet, I had managed to do both, one after the other. I need to build up my muscles such that I can do both. It was fun jogging with 001. I felt bad that I made her shorten the route. I was really taking shallow breaths. I need to better my breathing technique. I hope I will be able to jog the half non-stop.

Painful

Had cried this morning. What a terrible start to the day. Had read a work email and I felt that it was not justified. I may be wrong as I did not think further. However I had really thought that it was fine. Sometimes I wonder if it is worth it. The harsh reality hurts.

I thought I was not affected by your updates yesterday. I may just be numbing myself. I was angry when I imagined that you are having fun. I don't want to deny you having fun. It is just really stupid of me to be in misery when you are really happy and having tonnes of fun.

When I think about what you are doing for the others and your recent treatment, I am upset. It really is stupid of me to have wasted my time, energy, effort, emotions and money. Oh well. That is the past. The past is the past.

I need to be in the present and look forward to the future. I have done all that I can. It was good to have deleted you from my msn. That helped tremendously. Now that I have deleted you from my facebook, it is complete cut-off from the cyber world. In the normal world, I have done all that I can.

I just now need to recover.

Online status

I used to check if you are online on facebook. It used to be killing me as I contemplate if I should check. Just now, as I went online on facebook, I couldnt even be bothered to see who is online. Maybe this symbolizes one step forward for me.

Friends and work

I used to think that friends and work cannot exist together. I felt that the two will conflict. I didn't want to have any close friends at work. I was fearful. Now I have a few good close friends at work. I am thankful for them and for their friendship that they have extended to me. Without their support and encouragement, I will have had a tough time.

Fun day

Ooohhh ... What a fun day it has been today! Didn't do much but it feels good :) There is no need to have accomplished so many things in one day to have to feel great. Had a lazy today. Feels nice :) Got the left side view mirror sorted out. Had lunch with sis. Went swimming despite wondering if it will rain and feeling sleepy. Don't know how I pulled that off. It was a nice swim. Even though it was a little crowded, the section that I swam at was nice and quiet and peaceful. Went walking at leisure park with sis. It was fun exploring the place. Then had ice cream at ice cream chef. Had dinner. Have been eating too much these days. Need to cut down on the eating. If not, will be difficult to jog for the 21km. It has been a fun lovely day !!! :)

Chewing on it

I was caught off guard when my dear close friend asked me if I had thought about her reply. As I was talking about work, I thought it was work related. When I realized that she was referring to you, I was surprised. I had then replied what I had thought about your reply. Things are beginning to be clearer to me. I had then asked her what made her bring up the subject. She had mentioned that there was just something about the reply that she wanted to talk to me about but she couldn't put her finger to it. After much chewing, it hit her yesterday. She had told me that she must tell me about it. I may not have gotten exactly the same thing but the essence is there.

I deserve better than what you have provided thus far. Your actions have proven to me who my real friends are. I am ashamed that I have taken them for granted. I have never treasured them enough. This ends now.