Different

Why did I ever think that it will be any different? I knew that it will never go back to the past anymore.

Perhaps I am rushing into things.

I must say that I was pleasantly surprised to have heard from you that day.

EXTREME ANGER

I FREAKING QUIT !!!!

I WANT TO STOP CARING AND I DON’T GIVE A FREAKING DAMN ANYMORE!!!

BLOODY HELL !!! ARGH !!!!

I need to figure out what I want... Screw the big picture ! Time to be selfish!

I want to meet up with you

I want to meet up with you. I want to see you once again. I wish we could have coffee at starbucks. I know that I will want the past back and as such, I can't meet up with you.

Darn ...

I wish I could happen to bump into you by chance then .

Oh well.

It is going to happen

It is going to happen. Am glad to see my dear friend happy. I know that it is in the best interest. I hope that at the end of it all, clarity will happen and the decisions made will make you happy and be at peace with yourself.

I don't know if I have what it takes to survive though. I guess I will find out soon enough.

I don't want to do this anymore

I don't want to do this anymore. I am freaking tired. I am so exhausted that I can barely think.

ARGH !!!

Why did I decide to take it up? Why do I want to push myself like that? I am about to fall flat on my face.

I should have said No.

ARGH !!!

Managed it poorly

I didn't handle the conversation well last night. Sigh :( It must be me cos I think I may have been like that with others without even realising it. I'm glad she's vocal or I would have been none the wiser.

I see so many similarities and I know that I'd handled the past super poorly. Must get advice.

Maybe I'm too harsh? Maybe I'm not listening? I don't know.

The only thing I'm glad is that at least she knows my intentions, I mean well. Still, I should have managed the situation better such that it had not turned out to be like that. I don't know.

I recall the occasions when 001 had talked to me when I needed some sense to be knocked into me. I felt defensive and awful. I know that after I'd calmed down and reflect, I know where 001 is coming from and she means well. Perhaps I need to manage my own expectations that I need to be harsh to be kind. Before I am harsh, I must try the nice approach first. I cannot bring out the hammer at the first instance. I don't know.

The other thing that I concerned about is that I feel that I am emotionally involved in all this, I've more emotions in this than last year. I really felt like crap after the conversation last night. I was re-playing the whole thing over and over again and reflecting on what I could have said and what I should and should not have done. I need to think faster on my feet and to listen better.

Maybe I have also adopted the same approach with my sis and she feels that way too. That's not good.

I need to stop being like the elder sister. Maybe I was not like that last year and perhaps that's why it was better last year.

I feel so torn, so tired and so affected after last night. I feel like I am on the verge of tears.

Touched

It was really nice hanging out and talking to my dearest friend recently. We've both been very busy and when the opportunity came to hang out at her new place, it was great! :) It had been fun playing with her daughters too :) Her youngest is just super duper adorable. Missed them tonnes. When her eldest offered to give me a sticker and when I'd selected one of the smallest one, she'd said that it was too small and she gave me one of the biggest one. I was so touched.

It was fun talking about general stuff and some catching up too. I aspire to be like her. She's my role model.

It was time to put her daughters to bed and she tucked them in and hugged them. It was so sweet. Then her eldest asked her if I could do the same to them, ie to tuck them in and hug them. I was moved to tears. Her eldest had asked even though they had come up to me and hugged me prior to going to bed. I was really touched. :) It was fun and an experience to tuck them in and gave them a hug before they zzz. It was an indescribable feeling :) I love them all so much !

The night had ended well with the emotional strings fully tugged.