To paint a negative picture

I need to paint a negative picture of you in my head such that I hate you. Such that I hate you enough to let go of the past. To be in the present. To look forward in the future. I am really stunned and shocked still. My confidence has taken a beating. I don't know if I have what it takes anymore. I need to stop hoping and harbouring the wish. I know it will never happen. I should just stop hoping. ARGH !!!