Motivate

I don't know why I can't seem to motivate myself. Each day I am tired and I just zzz. I have a few things to clear, yet I can't bring myself to do them. I don't know why. I am excited about my project, yet I am so tired by it. I am in a state whereby I cannot care less any more.

I need to find out more about the project ... but I feel damn sian

Sigh ....

Future

The future is so uncertain. I don't know if I have what it takes to stay on to support. I don't know what I want to do and what I want, how I want to further myself. It will be so so different, I foresee that it will be like a huge part of me is missing. It will be highly similar when u left.

I know that I need to give it my best shot, to prove to myself that I have what it takes to survive on my own, rather than relying on others. It will be an opportunity for me as I won't do anything about it if I don't have to. I know that moving forward, I will be forced to change.

I really need to sort out my thoughts on what I really want to do for myself.

Adoration

It's upsetting and disappointing to see whom she looks up to. They're not good role models to begin with. I really don't know what led to this. I just feel so irritated !

I really cannot stand her any longer. Good luck to her !!

Evaluation

I was really touched by what I heard during the evaluation just now. I am glad to hear that I have grown a lot. The area that I had the most difficulty with is the area that I had grown the most.

It has been said to me many times that for me, my obstacle to success is myself. Nobody else.

I know that I have what it takes to deliver, yet I don't ... Perhaps I think I will look silly. I dont know.

I need to recall and retain what had been said to me, esp the 2nd half of the evaluation.

I was very very touched.

Dawn of a new era

I dont look forward to the dawn of a new era.

At the evaluation earlier on, I am still surprised by how my dearest friend can be so so spot-on with me. I was surprised by her last statement. I have never spoken to her about it, yet she could sense it. Everything that she had said was so so true.

I don't know if I have what it takes to carry on "alone". It will be very very different. I do feel that a huge part of me is gone once she disappears. I know that she is still around but it will no longer be the same.

I know that there is no way for me to be where I am today without such guidance, patience and mentoring.

I understand why it must be done.

I just need to see and reflect on my own, what is next for me.

Hands off

Today marks the day when I wash my hands off completely.

I owe her nothing and she owes me nothing. I am so sick and tired of having to justify to her till the cows come home. Our points of view are so so so so different and I am tired of having to explain to her. I am really upset that given that I had the chance to guide her for 9 months and it lead to this.

I really wonder what poison has been fed into her! I really do.

No more caring and bothering anymore ! Enough with the caring !

Disciple

It would be nice to have a disciple. To have someone who can continue doing what I do, to have someone whom I can have a great impact on and to mentor this person.

To have heard what I heard just now, I felt terrible. She was with her for at most 1 month and ppl see her traits in her already. I was with her for 9 months and I'd spent so so much time with her, and not even a single trace of any similarity. In fact, both of us differ in our thinking so greatly that it has not been easy for me to manage her.

I am not asking for a lot. However given my pathetic level of influence, I do wonder why I continue doing this.

I look at my past and all have left. I know that certain things are beyond my control but to have outcomes turn out that way is pretty painful.

Sometimes I feel like I have hit rock bottom as I have no clear sense of direction and the future. A part of me feels like taking a long long break. I don't know anymore.