Results/Outcome

The results are out. Mixed feelings and emotions and non-emotions running through. Am I making sense here? My ego is bruised. I guess I deserve what I got. I reap what I sow. Why couldn't it be better? Why didn't I study? Why didn't I put in consistent effort? Why? Why? Why?

I feel relieved that I managed to scrape through. I feel irritated as I know I am capable of achieving better. How much longer am I going to act this way? What are my interests? How long am I going to deny myself of what I can truly achieve?

Christmas

What an exciting and fun christmas period it had been! I'd never had so much fun and enjoyed myself. The experience had been amazing and it was truly an eye opener. It was a wonderful time indeed.

Apathy

I wonder ... Why do I even bother? Why do I even care? Am I so similar to someone else? What is the similarities, I asked. No reply was given. I have now reached the state whereby I am not going to probe further if no disclosure is done. It does affect me though, even though I pretend that I could not care less. Even if it is being mentioned that I am affected, what can be done, for I don't think anything will change.

Life is now normal, a straight line. Good or bad? When life was a roller-coaster, the highs and lows were experienced. Good or bad?

To be a in state of apathy now, will things be better? Is not being emotional good? I don't know.

I have been a robot for a really long time now, till my life was turned upside down. I think I still care, but at the same time, I think I don't. I feel that I am doing it for my own selfish reasons, though I think not. I am already confused enough.

I do know what is happening but I refuse to see for what it is. I think.

Feeling stuffed, feeling tired ... feeling many things other than my true feelings, I feel. I don't want to break down anymore. It is not worth it.

Perhaps it is time to be true.

I don't even know anymore.

The Way You Look at Me

Lyrics: The Way You Look at Me by Christian Bautista

No one ever saw me like you do
All the things that I could add up too
I never knew just what a smile was worth
But your eyes say everything without a single word

'Cause there's somethin' in the way you look at me
It's as if my heart knows you're the missing piece
You make me believe that there's nothing in this world I can't be
I never know what you see
But there's somethin' in the way you look at me

If I could freeze a moment in my mind
It'll be the second that you were next to me
I'd like to stop the clock, make time stands still
'Cause, baby, this is just the way I always wanna feel

I don't know how or why I feel different in your eyes
All I know is it happens every time

The way you look at me

People dont change

People dont change. How very true. Time and again, it shows up. Refusing to heed advice, this is the price I pay. Everything that happens happens for a reason. It also happens as I allow for it to happen. I have a choice and I choose to ignore the imperfections.

Why do I let it affect me so much? It probably has no impact on the sender. Still pondering and still upset. I feel like screaming. Screaming my lungs out. Screaming for all of this to stop.

I am tired of analysing. Will not bothering be better? I pretend to not bother, to not care, to not give a damn. Deep down, I still care. It hurts. The remarks hurt. Why is this so? Because I choose to let it hurt me. When did I become so sensitive? Why were they being said?

The past. It means so much to me. However what a shocking revelation. The past does not mean anything at all to someone else. How can one thing mean different things to different people? How foolish. One man's meat is another man's poison. Where did the rational mind go? Wishful thinking.

Was the old self better? To just observe and then make my move. Instead of just blindly jumping and falling as a consequence. What possessed me to do all those? Tears refuse to appear. Am I denying my feelings? What is happening? What is going on?

I truly do not appreciate such treatment. This has been mentioned before. Yet I just push it one side, thinking that it is just a small matter. Why be so petty? Just move on. Just let go. From here forth, it will be whatever. I do not know how else to approach this. Every step seems to be wrong. I am running out of ideas.

I will not understand. How true is that? Is my life that simple that I am unable to understand? Am I a simpleton who does not understand complexity and intricacy of matters? I wish to retreat, to retreat back into my shell.

I would like to be away from this all, to be away from everyone and everything. Perhaps to start life afresh, to have a new identity. Where can I go?

I wonder. Do those things that I do mean anything? Anything at all? But 20% outcome with 80% effort is so not worth it. i would like to say that I live by this mantra. Unfortunately it seems to be the reverse. I need clarity and move towards that goal. Nothing else should not get in the way.

Missing

I miss the feelings
Feelings of sadness
Feelings of pain
What an irony

To be yearning for such feelings
One must think that I am crazy
Perhaps there was comfort in such feelings
What a strange thing

It truly feels like the past never happened
I cannot remember how it felt like
Has the memory been erased
Where has it all gone

Is this a case of truly being over it
I wonder
Perhaps the heart has hardened
And turned into stone

I would like to say that I miss you
That I miss having you around
That I miss you caring for me
That I miss having you next to me

Alas, I dont feel that way
I find myself to be at peace
This may be the signal
Of greater things to come

I hope ... And I pray

Seething with anger

How dare one make a statement without elaborations or justifications
Pressing for details
Yields nothing

Different approaches taken to obtain an answer
Still nothing
How frustrating

As one reflects on what could have triggered that statement
As to what actions led to that statement
To understand better

A couldnt care less attitude is projected
To protect the core that is being torn apart
Tired from thinking of the possible answers

Truly exhausted now
Enough is truly enough
Whatever will be will be

Enough ...

Time

How time has zoomed by
Soon 2007 will come to a close
What a year it has been

How precious time is
Each second ticking by
The world changing at every moment

So much happening in everyone's life
How exciting
Never remaining at the same spot

Learning about one's self
What a remarkable journey
Though not plain sailing at times

At times, stubbornly refusing to see things as they are
How tightly held the perception has been
A truly strong perception

The present
Still hard to believe at times
Wishing what it never can be at times

Tension of opposites
The fear of letting go
The mind is greatly stupefied

Oh well ...

Costly

Trust
Such a simple, yet complex word
Do I trust no one

Perception
Stronger than reality
How true

Taking things for granted
How easy and automatic this action has become
This needs changing

Was it a costly move
To have angered someone close to me
I hope not

Just kept pushing and pushing
Without realizing and thinking
I have gone beyond the acceptable limit

Betrayal
I hope it is not seen as such
Once bitten twice shy

So close ... Too close for comfort
Hope that it has not reached the point of no return
I certainly hope so

What has become of me?
Have I completely lost it?
I hope not

Who am I?
Was the me in the past really so different from the me now?
I cannot see much difference, though some beg to differ

My dear friends ...
Thank you for being patient with me
For guiding me all this while
For being my pillar of support during my darkest days

The sun has shone through
The light at the end of the tunnel is within reach
I am almost there

Please bear with me for a little while more ...

Difference

The closeness in the past
Is no longer there
Why did it disappear overnight

What used to be
Is no longer the same
Why

What does this mean
Was the past a figment of one's imagination
It seems so surreal

Question after question
Attack the already puzzled mind
Drowning in questions

Someone who was once close
Appears to be like a stranger
What lies beneath

What is different about me that led to this
What am I doing differently now
What is the difference

It is still very confusing
Sometimes okay, sometimes not
At various times, the same thing is seen differently

Emotions are still evoked
Having suppressed them for very long
Perhaps deluding oneself that things are okay

The old feelings occasionally surface
The past seems to return frequently
Moments of happiness during those days triggered often

When reality bites
How painful it is
The torment felt

The closeness is long gone
A stranger stands in front of me
Who is this person

It hurts ... It still does

Bikes

Red bike and black bike
Cycled once a week
How fun it had been

Black bike
Cycled once a week
Company was still present in a different form

Commitment was made
Alas it could not be kept
Other important things came up

Now both bikes are just collecting dust
When will the red bike be cycled again
How painful it is

The black bike reminisce
The wonderful times spent
Red bike please start cycling again

1771554 ... 1771554 ... 1771554

Space

Moments of happiness engulf me
What a sensation
Elation soon ensues

Such highs experienced after terrible lows
Fighting, arguing, quarreling
Rarely seeing eye to eye

One party wondering what happened
The other party not saying much
Time moved on

Things improve by leaps and bounds
1771554
What a wonderful feeling

THUD ...
That was the past
Time fast forwards to the present

Stinging statements made during a fit of pique, perhaps
"You like to ask me out. However you're uncomfortable with silence. You're not making an effort at all to converse. Good luck to both of us"
"With friends like you, I don't need enemies"
"It's a luxury for such feedback to be given. What do you mean? You'll understand it when the time comes"
"Do you think it's nice to be spoken to like that"

One party claims responsibility
However some statements are not warranted
Something that started off with as an event to look forward to, ended off in pain, hurt and wondering what triggered the stings

Next day, the other party did make an effort
To patch things up
Everything is well now, maybe

Moving along now, still in a state of shock
Is that feedback true
So many questions

Why are things are so different
Are the rest just being nice and tolerating
The crap that is being dished out

Truth will set one free

ARGH!!!!!

Frustration sets in
The same old things
The same old problems

Sick and tired of this
Change is highly needed
Will moving out resolve this

Everything does not seem to be in favour
Tired of this
I'm sure it's not like this with others

What can be done to change things
To move things forward
Am jaded

SICK AND TIRED

Scorpio

Scorpions sting
Can the same be said of scorpios
I wonder

Scorpios surround me
Each with their own unique identity
With a common trait in them

A caring, stinging scorpio
Not one, not two, but three
To have been blessed by their love, care and concern

As with life,
Moments of ups and downs
Experienced greatly with these scorpios

It has been about one year
When a scorpio came in
The robot saw many wonders and the heart felt again

The wall that had been built and strengthened for decades
Began to crumble
For the robot was touched by a caring scorpio

Since then, the world of scorpios
Their sting ever so powerful
Their care, love and passion even more empowering

Celebration of the SCORPIOS!

Beginning of a New Chapter

Has the new chapter truly begun
Everything seems to be different
In a positive light

The old feelings are gone
Why the sudden change overnight
Too true to believe

Does this mean that the past was not true
Those feelings in the past were unreal
But the existence was so dominant

Have I gone back to my old self
Have I lost all feelings
Or have I now embarked on a new journey

For the past is the past and will remain as such
Why did I suddenly wake up
There is still this unsettled feeling within

Being able to move on quickly now
Failure seen as lessons to success
Life is too short

So many things to do, so little time
Plenty of time has been wasted already
Move, dash, run

There's still that little bit that lingers
Does letting go mean it never existed, ever
For it would be too painful to deny a great past

Many questions asked
Few answers forth coming
Accept it for what it is now and enjoy the moment

Make a different choice the next time
Acknowledge the consequence
Move on and move forward

For life truly is a journey
For each and everyone of us to make the best out of
It is up to me how I want it to be

Time starts now ...

Good old days

The good old days
There is a reason why it is termed as such
The past had been great

The good old days
So many wonderful and beautiful memories
And that is all they will ever be

The good old days
Time to let go and move on
Reminiscing at best

The good old days
How I miss them so
Only appreciated it after I had lost it

Time to treasure each and every moment now
For the future will be better
And it is up to me to make it a reality

Oh how difficult it seems right now

New Day

A new day has come
Grab the opportunities that come along
It has been a great day

Grinning from ear to ear
A smile shining ever so brightly
It's offensively glaring

How beautiful it was
What a lovely moment
It was great

The heart skipped many beats
Excitement took over
Elation

Be grateful
This is good enough
Desiring for more is the formula for disaster

The harder the climb, the harder the fall
Be careful
Do not set up for another disappointment

Enjoy this moment for what it is

Heart no longer feels

The heart no longer feels
What it used to be is the past
Moving forward, the heart has turned to stone
For the pain is too unbearable

There were glimpses of happiness
Periods of sadness and pain dominate though
Last night was the last straw
The last tear drop ever

Enough is enough
No longer wondering
Focusing out
Easier said than done

Go through the pain
Just experience the emotions
Handle it for it will get better

Months have passed
The story remains unchanged
Sounding like a broken record

Time for a new song
Being a wooden block
Is the answer

OVER IT

Over It by Katharine McPhee

I'm over your lies,
and I'm over your games.
I'm over you asking me,
when you know I'm not okay.
You call me at night,
and I pick up the phone.
And though you've been telling me,
I know you're not alone.
oh..

That's why
(your eyes)
I'm over it
(your smile)
I'm over it
(realize)
I'm over it
I'm over it
I'm over..

Wanting you,
to be wanting me.
No that ain't no way to be.
How I feel, read my lips,
because I'm so over..
Moving on, it's my time,
you never were a friend of mine.
Hurt at first, a little bit,
but now I'm so over.
I'm so over it..

I'm over your hands,
and I'm over your mouth.
Trying to drag me down,
and fill me with self-doubt.
oh..

That's why,
(your words)
I'm over it
(so sure)
I'm over it
(I'm not your girl)
I'm over it

I'm over it
I'm over...

Wanting you,
to be wanting me.
No that ain't no way to be.
How I feel, read my lips,
because I'm so over..
Moving on, it's my time,
you never were a friend of mine.
Hurt at first, a little bit,
but now I'm so over.
I'm so over it..

Don't call,
don't come by,
ain't no use,
don't ask me why,
you'll never change,
there'll be no more crying in the rain.

Wanting you,
to be wanting me.
No that ain't no way to be.
How I feel, read my lips,
because I'm so over..
Moving on, it's my time,
you never were a friend of mine.
Hurt at first, a little bit,
but now I'm so over.
I'm so over it..

I'm so over it....
I'm over it....

Wanting you,
to be wanting me.
No that ain't no way to be.
How I feel, read my lips,
because I'm so over..
Moving on, it's my time,
you never were a friend of mine.
Hurt at first, a little bit,
but now I'm so over.
I'm so over it..

Over it

Over it
Yes or no
The heart does not know what it is feeling

Moments of pain creep in
Moments of yearning still exist
Why did the past not carry on to the present

What a contrast it has been
Comfort vs awkwardness
Companionship vs loneliness

Oh how times have changed
Desire so strong for things to go back to being normal
What will it take

The past had many wonderful memories
Which makes the present painful at times
If only time could be turned back

For the kindness, devotion and dedication
That have been put in place
There is no balance

It has gotten more tolerable
But still not completely over it
When will it truly end

The answer lies within

Don't understand

IF YOU ASKED ME TO by Celine Dion

Used to be that I believed in something
Used to be that I believed in love
It's been a long time since I've had that feeling
I could love someone
I could trust someone
I said I'd never let nobody near my heart again darlin'
I said I'd never let nobody in

But if you asked me to
I just might change my mind
And let you in my life forever
If you asked me to
I just might give my heart
And stay here in your arms forever
If you asked me to
If you asked me to

Somehow ever since I've been around you
Can't go back to being on my own
Can't help feeling darling since I've found you
That I've found my home
That I'm finally home
I said I'd never let nobody get too close to me darling
I said I needed, needed to be free

(But if you asked me to)

Asked me to, I will give my world to you baby
I need you now
Ask me to and I'll do anything for you baby, for you baby

If you asked me to
I'd let you in my life forever
If you asked me to

Hmmm ...

Your silhouette, as you stand among others
The strength and serenity that embodies your frame
And your roots anchor you strongly

Standing tall with so much comfort that you provide
Always there without fail
Your presence silently screams out

Your beauty is empowering
With the magnificent sounds in the background
Oh, how magical

Thank you for allowing me to be part
Of your wonderful beauty
Never shall I take you for granted, anymore

What a perfect gift

Restlessness

Unable to focus
What do I want
Confused

is it confusion
Or fear of taking action
For fear of the consequences

Stop wondering what if
Just do it and handle what ever comes along with it
It's better than wondering ... What if

How long will it continue to be this way
This uncertainty has been here for a long while
The small steps are not helping

Be assertive
Be decisive
Make the stand for myself

What do I want

What do I want in life
What is my purpose in life
I ponder over this as
I sit in my programming class

I am so bored
I dont understand what the lecturer is saying
Many things awaiting for me to accomplish
Where do I begin

To feel complete on my own
My greatest flaw was pointed out to me
I didnt know it was so hard for me
To acknowledge myself for who I am

What do I want
What do I want
What do I want
I have yet to figure it out

Am I happy where I currently am
Where do I move towards
Someone shared with me his vision and passion
I was so moved

I know what I want
Do I dare move towards it
It seems so hard to move
The heavy feet

Keep moving
So many things to do and learn
Plentiful opportunities have dropped onto my lap
Grab all of them and accomplish my dream

The wound has healed
It was so silly
The drama was unnecessary
Hopefully it is not too late

Blessings

Count my blessings
I was told
I have so much to be grateful for

Never take things for granted
I was reminded
Before they are taken away from you

Love from family and friends
Encouragement and support
Overlooked at times

I could not see at that time
The treasures I had all this while
Till recently

How fortunate I have been
To be surrounded with so much love and care
From the people dearest to my heart

Decision has been made

A decision has been made
Courage needed to follow it through
Focus and discipline too

Fear of what lies ahead
Getting over it and healing
It wont be easy

Let go of the past
It will set me free
To create a better future

Have fun being miserable
What a stupid thing to be doing
How silly can one get

Life spiraling downhill out of control
Do something about it before it explodes
Before everything is lost

The choice is a painful one to make
Necessary in order to move on
Support will be there

Give me the courage and strength to see it through

The brain and the heart

The brain and the heart are in strong conflict
Both pulling each other
Now standing still
Unsure of what to do and what next

Just do something already
Focus out
Countless encouragement and support
Jolts and slaps given

Sleepy and sluggish
Where did the passion go
Move, shift
Remember what is important

Be grateful
Time and opportunity once gone
Never return
Live life to the fullest at every moment

Reflection - Lyrics from Mulan

How apt ...

Look at me
You may think you see
Who I really am
But you'll never know me
Every day
It's as if I play a part
Now I see
If I wear a mask
I can fool the world
But I cannot fool my heart

Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?

I am now
In a world where I
Have to hide my heart
And what I believe in
But somehow
I will show the world
What's inside my heart
And be loved for who I am

Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection
Someone I don't know?
Must I pretend that I'm
Someone else for all time?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?

There's a heart that must be
Free to fly
That burns with a need to know
The reason why

Why must we all conceal
What we think, how we feel?
Must there be a secret me
I'm forced to hide?
I won't pretend that I'm
Someone else for all time
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?

Important

What is important in life
How does one decide
What are the priorities

Friends have stood by
Knocked sense
Given tremendous support

This has helped greatly
Given courage and strength to snap out of it
Moving on now

It may be tough
It may be painful
I am choosing this path

After all what is important
Nothing will get in my way
I will accomplish my goals

Decisions

What do I do now
Do I make a decision
I know what I need to do
A bigger question will be do I want to do it

Mind over matter
I am tired
Just let go
Why am I holding on so tightly

I know I am capable of doing what I want
I just have to want it
I can overcome this
I can do it

Keep moving
Dont remain at the same position
As nothing will change
Take that step and move

I am almost there
Just a little more
The finishing line is so close
Encouragement and support nearby

I will cross that line
Trust myself
I wont know how far I can go
Just do it

Reality

How does one get over pain and hurt
By occupying oneself with many activities
Does it really work

Never felt this way before
Never knew such emotions exist
Exhaustion soon takes over

Does time really fly by
Each second seems to take forever
Wishing it was already the future

Will the future be better and brighter
Will the letting go be complete
How near is the future

It was so apparent to others
Except oneself
How obtuse can one get

There was a time when things were all right
It was good during those days
When all was normal

The green monster came
A major shakeup occurred
Led to oneself to truly realize, face up and acknowledge the reality

How excruciating it has been
For the delusion was so strong
The wound will heal

Challenge

Fear
Is all in the mind
Overcoming all obstacles
The mind once said "Impossible"

Having gone through the journey
Although only a few small steps into it
What have I created
What have I become

The me I know perhaps is not real
For deep down, the true me is screaming to come out
Will I be accepted for who I really am
I certainly hope so

I am exhausted
The journey appears to be long and challenging
What if I fail and never see the light
A voice tells me I can overcome this challenge

Life
Tends to make a mockery
An oxymoron that a robot can feel
How amusing

Do I have a mind
Does my mind have me
What is the answer, my friend
Who knows

Moving on

The past is history
Time to move on
Be present
To create a better future

The sun shines through
A glimmer of hope
Encouragement and support
Given unconditionally

Learn from the mistake of yesterday
And do not repeat them
For it will get better
Time moves along

The road will be tough
No matter how
This can be done
The light at the end of the tunnel is within reach

Time stands still

I absolutely love the contrast of this against the backdrop of a busy Chicago city. Serenity so unbelievable.

Letting go

Tears start falling again
Emptiness prevails
Hopelessness ensues

Letting go
Some find it easy
Others find it tough

Happiness in living in the past
The mind conjures a past that never was
How powerful the mind can be

Caring
Has brought happiness and pain
Pain the only feeling right now

The wall is building up faster than ever before
Nobody shall get through this wall anymore
Enough of letting the heart feel

Life without the heart was less complicated
Being numb with a couldn't care less attitude was easier
Nobody has to know

Moving forward as emotionless
Everything about the past is dead and never existed
The chapter is closed and never to be opened again

Using logic and the brain
Switching off the heart for good
This is the life that works best for some

Light - maybe?

Caring , about the people around me
Rejection, something I have yet to handle
Disappointment, came along.

Why do I even try
Why do I even bother
After all, they didnt give a damn.

Tiredness and frustration sets in
What is the big picture
What does this mean for me

A new day has arrived
Things will change for the better
I can make that happen

Keep moving and trying again
Success comes after repeated failure, someone once told me
A long road lies ahead

Do I give up
Do I press on
Only time will tell

Furor

Frustration, anger
Raging within me
Common sense prevails
I fear not

Stupidity
Lack of logic
Following rules blindly because
I was asked to follow a procedure

Breathe
For the moment will pass
The anger will subside
And all will be well again

Maybe ...

Anguish

Have never cried so much
Didn’t know there were so much tears
Didn’t know there was much pain and hurt

Day after day, the tears keep falling
When will it end
Will it even end

Despite the brave front, the pain deep down is too much to bear
Crying in solitude to handle the agony
Only few know

Moments of joy have been long gone
Darkness and sorrow
Someday, the sun will shine through

Swinging from pain to anger
From love to hate
The robot now feels

Didn’t know the heart existed