Emotions are flooding

The emotions are coming like crazy. I feel the anger and pain that I once felt not too long ago. Being emotionally involved truly sucks. I don't know how else to control this. I feel like being damn petty but I can't. In my position, I need to be the bigger person. At least with the past, it really would have no impact. However with the present, I need to be very mindful. Perhaps it was a wrong decision. I don't know.

I am really tired to be feeling this way. I didn't feel this way last year. The present reminds me so much of you. I don't know. I need to distance myself a whole lot more. I need to stop caring. Maybe I shouldn't give a freaking damn if I end up to be hated. Of course, the relationship would suck and that is not what I want. I need to calm down and think things through.

Perhaps I am also upset with myself with how I'd handled the situation.

I am so so uber pissed that I want to give a piece of my mind ... Really ... I just want to scream and shout and just say and then I will probably break down ... This is so so familiar ... This was the scenario that kept on playing in my mind in the past ... Why has it now returned?

I need to do something about this.

Decision has been made

The decision has been made. I was hoping against hope that it will never happen, even though deep deep down, I knew it was going to happen. I guess I was running away from reality, my favourite past time. I need to face up to reality as it will happen eventually.

I don't know how to feel or react. I am numb. I guess I don't want to face up to it. I cannot imagine the absence. I really can't. Maybe I am stopping the floodgates for it is too painful to feel right now.

I need to stop thinking of myself and to think for the other person. This other person has gone through so much and it was not easy to have to come to this decision. I will definitely miss having this person around, that's for sure.

This person is such a huge part of my life. I don't know. If I were to feel and to be present, I'm sure the tears will fall ... tremendously ...

I wish this other person all the best. May you find clarity, happiness and the answers that you are looking for.

On a side note, I need to start figuring out life for myself. What do I want? What do I want?

Question

It's scary that this question has come up several times for me ... Are we okay? I am so afraid that the past will repeat ....

Fun night

Had tonnes of fun last night. Had received several compliments too ... 001 kept emphasizing as well.

My life story is that
- I need to believe that I am capable of doing things and getting there
- I just need to put in a bit of extra effort and to be bothered and to care. What I will then achieve is beyond my wildest dreams
- My only limitation is myself

I need to work on these areas.

Are we okay

I remembered asking this questions with you "Are we okay?" ... I'd silently asked this question recently too. Perhaps I know what it means and I know what I need to do. I may not be facing up to reality that if I ignore the signs, I am walking down the painful past. I need to be in better control.

Catch up

It was nice catching up with you that day. Somehow, you felt more like a friend that day. I don't know. Maybe I've let go of the past. Maybe there is a replacement. I am concerned if there is a replacement cos I think history will repeat itself. I don't know.

Hope she's okay

I hope she's okay. I think she's a bit stunned. Or perhaps it's my perception of things. Things seem so formal. Must talk to her for awhile SOON if not, it's an unnecessary strain on the relationship. At least, that's what I feel.

Today ...

Today was the day when tears fell ... Am so exhausted from work. Am really sick and tired of it all. Am this close to calling it quits!! Am at a stage whereby whatever already. I don't care anymore. Am so so tired.

I need to talk to her too ... Am cracking my head such that it comes out to be more of motivational ... I just feel like giving a piece of my mind though .. I wasn't like that last year. Am frustrated with the series of mini events.

I need to focus on the big picture as the big picture is good ... Just some minor blemishes ...

I wanna freaking quit

ARGH !!!!

I just want to freaking quit ... I don't care anymore. I really don't give a freaking damn.

Each time, the source of the pain is the same. Shouldn't the source be removed then? I am so sick and tired of doing this, time and again, and to go through the cycle each time. I am really sick and tired of this.

Why do I want to hold on? What are my alternatives? Am I too afraid to explore?

I just don't want to do this anymore.