Different

Why did I ever think that it will be any different? I knew that it will never go back to the past anymore.

Perhaps I am rushing into things.

I must say that I was pleasantly surprised to have heard from you that day.

EXTREME ANGER

I FREAKING QUIT !!!!

I WANT TO STOP CARING AND I DON’T GIVE A FREAKING DAMN ANYMORE!!!

BLOODY HELL !!! ARGH !!!!

I need to figure out what I want... Screw the big picture ! Time to be selfish!

I want to meet up with you

I want to meet up with you. I want to see you once again. I wish we could have coffee at starbucks. I know that I will want the past back and as such, I can't meet up with you.

Darn ...

I wish I could happen to bump into you by chance then .

Oh well.

It is going to happen

It is going to happen. Am glad to see my dear friend happy. I know that it is in the best interest. I hope that at the end of it all, clarity will happen and the decisions made will make you happy and be at peace with yourself.

I don't know if I have what it takes to survive though. I guess I will find out soon enough.

I don't want to do this anymore

I don't want to do this anymore. I am freaking tired. I am so exhausted that I can barely think.

ARGH !!!

Why did I decide to take it up? Why do I want to push myself like that? I am about to fall flat on my face.

I should have said No.

ARGH !!!

Managed it poorly

I didn't handle the conversation well last night. Sigh :( It must be me cos I think I may have been like that with others without even realising it. I'm glad she's vocal or I would have been none the wiser.

I see so many similarities and I know that I'd handled the past super poorly. Must get advice.

Maybe I'm too harsh? Maybe I'm not listening? I don't know.

The only thing I'm glad is that at least she knows my intentions, I mean well. Still, I should have managed the situation better such that it had not turned out to be like that. I don't know.

I recall the occasions when 001 had talked to me when I needed some sense to be knocked into me. I felt defensive and awful. I know that after I'd calmed down and reflect, I know where 001 is coming from and she means well. Perhaps I need to manage my own expectations that I need to be harsh to be kind. Before I am harsh, I must try the nice approach first. I cannot bring out the hammer at the first instance. I don't know.

The other thing that I concerned about is that I feel that I am emotionally involved in all this, I've more emotions in this than last year. I really felt like crap after the conversation last night. I was re-playing the whole thing over and over again and reflecting on what I could have said and what I should and should not have done. I need to think faster on my feet and to listen better.

Maybe I have also adopted the same approach with my sis and she feels that way too. That's not good.

I need to stop being like the elder sister. Maybe I was not like that last year and perhaps that's why it was better last year.

I feel so torn, so tired and so affected after last night. I feel like I am on the verge of tears.

Touched

It was really nice hanging out and talking to my dearest friend recently. We've both been very busy and when the opportunity came to hang out at her new place, it was great! :) It had been fun playing with her daughters too :) Her youngest is just super duper adorable. Missed them tonnes. When her eldest offered to give me a sticker and when I'd selected one of the smallest one, she'd said that it was too small and she gave me one of the biggest one. I was so touched.

It was fun talking about general stuff and some catching up too. I aspire to be like her. She's my role model.

It was time to put her daughters to bed and she tucked them in and hugged them. It was so sweet. Then her eldest asked her if I could do the same to them, ie to tuck them in and hug them. I was moved to tears. Her eldest had asked even though they had come up to me and hugged me prior to going to bed. I was really touched. :) It was fun and an experience to tuck them in and gave them a hug before they zzz. It was an indescribable feeling :) I love them all so much !

The night had ended well with the emotional strings fully tugged.

I've really tried

I've really tried but memories of the past do pop up out of the blue. I was caught off guard when the tears came the morning after the wedding and when the happy memories came flooding back just like that. I'd thought that I'd completely forgotten about them or at least I'd moved along fine that such memories will remain as memories without evoking any emotions in me at all. I never thought that it would still have such an effect on me.

I must have been highly emotionally involved with you. The times that I'd spent with you. I cared about you too much. I wish I could see you again for one last time before I truly say goodbye as I really don't think we can be friends. I have tried. Really tried. Given my recent attempts with the presentations and the outcomes that I'd gotten and how work has kept me so busy, I am stunned that the wedding had evoked such a response from me. When the groom immediately recognized his bride's hands, even though blind-folded, and when he didnt want to let go, I was moved to tears. This is how I feel about you. I don't want to let you go. I never thought that I still miss you so much. As I'd not seen you for so long already and I've not had meetings at your place and there was no way of "running into you, I truly thought that I'd gotten over you. I thought that the absence will do me good and that the trigger has been removed.

Perhaps I have gotten over you, slightly, but not completely. I guess I also need to accept that I will have such emotions and the happy memories with you will come flooding once a certain trigger has been released.

I need to delete the connection.

On a good note, I think this means that 09 has not replaced you.

Just realised

I just realised that I am sensing my emotions better nowadays ... Perhaps it's good that I am saying them all out here. When I read some of the more recent posts, the most recent one being after the wedding and that I was close to tears. The next day, the tears fell.

Maybe I should not have even requested for the connection. Perhaps I did that as I didn't want you to worry anymore and to stop sending me the e-cards. I don't know. I feel like telling you, stay out of my life , completely. I will look you up when I am ready. Just leave me alone already.

I feel like deleting the connection. I don't know if I should tell you. I feel so silly. I shouldn't have done it in the first place. I wish you'd sms me to ask me out. I don't think it will ever happen though. I know that it will never be the same again.

Overcome by emotions.

I was overcome by emotions today.

I don't know why but I'd suddenly missed you very much. I wished for you to be next to me. I'd wanted to meet up with you and to see you. The good thing about this is at least I know that 09 will not replace you and I don't want history to repeat. 09 is good and I want what I have with 08, with 09.

The bad thing about this is that I still miss you , care so much about & still think about you. Why is it still so? Why do I love you so much that the pain still exists till today?

I would have thought that my recent achievements indicated that I'd moved along far, ahead and fine without you.
Alas , it is far from true.

Memories of the past

I don't know why but I still remember the past. Was at borders just now and I remember the times we'd spent around that area. I felt the pain as I'd tried to brush it away.

It still hurts.

I thought I had let go of the past completely. I thought 09 filled the void significantly without having to go down that path. However after tonight, the happy memories came flooding back and I am close to tears.

I thought things would change after requesting the connection. Somehow when they didn't, I felt at ease or it's as though I'd expected it. Perhaps I am closer in coming to terms with reality.

Right now though, I want to see you.

09 & 06

I see so many similarities between 09 & 06. So many .... I am worried that my mistakes of the past will repeat themselves. I need to keep the big picture in mind. 09 is good and I don't want it to get to a state whereby the relationship becomes awkward.

I get what 001 means about the heart of 09. I see it. I know with 06, it was rarely like that.

09 is really sweet. Somehow I feel that what had happened with 06 will not happen with 09. But then again, I never thought that what had happened with 06 could have ever happened till it did and when I'd realised it, I was in too too too deep.

Thankful

I feel really honoured to have been part of a wonderful wedding. It was a cosy and intimate dinner with a small crowd. It was truly beautiful and to have been given the opportunity to be part of it >- Wow !! :)

It was really nice. The bride looked so pretty and the groom, good-looking. They look so compatible and really sweet.

Am touched to have gotten close to the bride in such a short period of time.

When I look back and reflect on the new friendships made along the way, I feel really blessed.

The inevitable

The inevitable is going to happen. I know it was not an easy decision. The reasonings make sense. Most importantly, happiness and sanity is at stake.

I can't imagine the absence though. I have received so much. It's time I gave back.

I hope the outcome will be a good, in all sense of the word. May it bring you happiness and clarity, my dear friend.

I wish you all the best ...

A different kind of letting go

I need to let go of what I'm holding onto so tightly for 09. If I don't let go, I'll go crazy. I need to remember what I was like with 08. The thing is I can't remember at all. I don't have the faintest idea.

I must work on ensuring that I don't get emotionally involved with 09. If not, die lah.

I also need to ensure that even though 09 may conjure up the past with 06, I should not be pushing 09 away or treating 09 unfairly. I should not be putting up walls or I don't know. I need to be the same person to 09 as I have been to 08. I need to be pally with 09 and nothing more. Else, it will be a second spiral downhill and I don't think I have the time to handle it, nor the energy. I don't think I will then have what it takes to get back up again.

Maybe what had happened with 06 will not happen with 09 as 09 is too too busy. Don't know why 06 was super duper free and I was rather free too. Deadly combination.

I just need to distance myself from 09, to protect myself and my heart. And at the same time, be the same person I had been to 08, to 09.

Unconscious remark

When 001 had mentioned that remark, it was an unconscious one. It was only when I brought up the issue of 06, then upon further reflection, I was like that with 06. I had the same expression with 06. I thought I do have that expression with the rest as well, even with 001.

ARGH !!!!

History

I cannot afford to let history repeat itself. It will be disastrous to not have learnt my lesson. Why do I light up when I meet 09? Why do I get excited when I meet 09? I had looked forward to meeting up to 08. I'd enjoyed those sessions with 08. Perhaps 08 was more pally and thus such emotions were not evoked. There are so many similarities between 09 and 06 that I fear what will happen next.

The only thing I can do as advised by a dear friend is to be more aware and to draw the lines very clearly. With 08, there was no need for such lines as 08 is very different from 09.

I guess that the difference between 08 and 09 is that I get excited and I do light up with 09. Yes, I do have a grin with 08 but with 09, it is very very different.

Sigh...