Results/Outcome

The results are out. Mixed feelings and emotions and non-emotions running through. Am I making sense here? My ego is bruised. I guess I deserve what I got. I reap what I sow. Why couldn't it be better? Why didn't I study? Why didn't I put in consistent effort? Why? Why? Why?

I feel relieved that I managed to scrape through. I feel irritated as I know I am capable of achieving better. How much longer am I going to act this way? What are my interests? How long am I going to deny myself of what I can truly achieve?

Christmas

What an exciting and fun christmas period it had been! I'd never had so much fun and enjoyed myself. The experience had been amazing and it was truly an eye opener. It was a wonderful time indeed.

Apathy

I wonder ... Why do I even bother? Why do I even care? Am I so similar to someone else? What is the similarities, I asked. No reply was given. I have now reached the state whereby I am not going to probe further if no disclosure is done. It does affect me though, even though I pretend that I could not care less. Even if it is being mentioned that I am affected, what can be done, for I don't think anything will change.

Life is now normal, a straight line. Good or bad? When life was a roller-coaster, the highs and lows were experienced. Good or bad?

To be a in state of apathy now, will things be better? Is not being emotional good? I don't know.

I have been a robot for a really long time now, till my life was turned upside down. I think I still care, but at the same time, I think I don't. I feel that I am doing it for my own selfish reasons, though I think not. I am already confused enough.

I do know what is happening but I refuse to see for what it is. I think.

Feeling stuffed, feeling tired ... feeling many things other than my true feelings, I feel. I don't want to break down anymore. It is not worth it.

Perhaps it is time to be true.

I don't even know anymore.

The Way You Look at Me

Lyrics: The Way You Look at Me by Christian Bautista

No one ever saw me like you do
All the things that I could add up too
I never knew just what a smile was worth
But your eyes say everything without a single word

'Cause there's somethin' in the way you look at me
It's as if my heart knows you're the missing piece
You make me believe that there's nothing in this world I can't be
I never know what you see
But there's somethin' in the way you look at me

If I could freeze a moment in my mind
It'll be the second that you were next to me
I'd like to stop the clock, make time stands still
'Cause, baby, this is just the way I always wanna feel

I don't know how or why I feel different in your eyes
All I know is it happens every time

The way you look at me

People dont change

People dont change. How very true. Time and again, it shows up. Refusing to heed advice, this is the price I pay. Everything that happens happens for a reason. It also happens as I allow for it to happen. I have a choice and I choose to ignore the imperfections.

Why do I let it affect me so much? It probably has no impact on the sender. Still pondering and still upset. I feel like screaming. Screaming my lungs out. Screaming for all of this to stop.

I am tired of analysing. Will not bothering be better? I pretend to not bother, to not care, to not give a damn. Deep down, I still care. It hurts. The remarks hurt. Why is this so? Because I choose to let it hurt me. When did I become so sensitive? Why were they being said?

The past. It means so much to me. However what a shocking revelation. The past does not mean anything at all to someone else. How can one thing mean different things to different people? How foolish. One man's meat is another man's poison. Where did the rational mind go? Wishful thinking.

Was the old self better? To just observe and then make my move. Instead of just blindly jumping and falling as a consequence. What possessed me to do all those? Tears refuse to appear. Am I denying my feelings? What is happening? What is going on?

I truly do not appreciate such treatment. This has been mentioned before. Yet I just push it one side, thinking that it is just a small matter. Why be so petty? Just move on. Just let go. From here forth, it will be whatever. I do not know how else to approach this. Every step seems to be wrong. I am running out of ideas.

I will not understand. How true is that? Is my life that simple that I am unable to understand? Am I a simpleton who does not understand complexity and intricacy of matters? I wish to retreat, to retreat back into my shell.

I would like to be away from this all, to be away from everyone and everything. Perhaps to start life afresh, to have a new identity. Where can I go?

I wonder. Do those things that I do mean anything? Anything at all? But 20% outcome with 80% effort is so not worth it. i would like to say that I live by this mantra. Unfortunately it seems to be the reverse. I need clarity and move towards that goal. Nothing else should not get in the way.

Missing

I miss the feelings
Feelings of sadness
Feelings of pain
What an irony

To be yearning for such feelings
One must think that I am crazy
Perhaps there was comfort in such feelings
What a strange thing

It truly feels like the past never happened
I cannot remember how it felt like
Has the memory been erased
Where has it all gone

Is this a case of truly being over it
I wonder
Perhaps the heart has hardened
And turned into stone

I would like to say that I miss you
That I miss having you around
That I miss you caring for me
That I miss having you next to me

Alas, I dont feel that way
I find myself to be at peace
This may be the signal
Of greater things to come

I hope ... And I pray

Seething with anger

How dare one make a statement without elaborations or justifications
Pressing for details
Yields nothing

Different approaches taken to obtain an answer
Still nothing
How frustrating

As one reflects on what could have triggered that statement
As to what actions led to that statement
To understand better

A couldnt care less attitude is projected
To protect the core that is being torn apart
Tired from thinking of the possible answers

Truly exhausted now
Enough is truly enough
Whatever will be will be

Enough ...

Time

How time has zoomed by
Soon 2007 will come to a close
What a year it has been

How precious time is
Each second ticking by
The world changing at every moment

So much happening in everyone's life
How exciting
Never remaining at the same spot

Learning about one's self
What a remarkable journey
Though not plain sailing at times

At times, stubbornly refusing to see things as they are
How tightly held the perception has been
A truly strong perception

The present
Still hard to believe at times
Wishing what it never can be at times

Tension of opposites
The fear of letting go
The mind is greatly stupefied

Oh well ...