Holidays in Dec 2011

The holidays in Dec 2011 were great. I feel truly blessed to have gone on this holiday .... 
1) The weather was perfect. 
2) Didn't go to Liege, which had witnessed an unfortunate shooting event. 
3) I had gone to Neuschwanstein Castle, which was on my calendar in my room for Dec 2011. I had always wanted to go to the places in my calendar and I finally had a chance to do so. And it was truly by chance too ! 
4) I was able to go on a long holiday with much peace as I had truly wonderful covers at work. 


I feel truly grateful ! 


It was been an excellent holiday ! :)

Still upset

I am still upset & angry. Why do I still feel this way? Am I hurt that badly? Or was it cos of you?

Am I hoping for a close relationship with the current?

Perhaps the lesson to learn here will be to let go.

It has been so difficult to let go. There are times when I am triggered & I still feel the pain.

You have moved on so much ... So so much. I am however still stuck. What will it take for me to move on? Perhaps I will finally learn to let go.

Happier - Cause for Concern

I feel happier nowadays. It feels as though my life has a meaning ... Has a purpose.

However I am worried what this means. Will history repeat itself? Or is it because of the projects that will be happening?

Am I being concerned unnecessarily?

Where do I go from here?

I have spoken to the relevant people. What I am hearing is not good news at all. What do I do now?

What do I want? I feel so lost. I feel like I am just drifting away. What is the point in that?

I feel bad if I were to leave. However it makes no sense for me to continue with the current state that I am in. It will be better for everyone if I were to go, if I can't pick myself up.

It was also painful discussing with you matters that day. It felt like we were fighting once again and it will lead to nowhere. I was too tired and too ill to argue with you that day. That is one of my reasons to leave, cos no matter how hard I do things for you, it will go unappreciated.

Perhaps it is time for a change of environment.

Inner peace

I have yet to find my inner peace. Perhaps it is because I have yet to accept that I had feelings for you previously. As such, it has been difficult nowadays as I need to put up a front. I need to guard my heart more carefully nowadays such that I don't get hurt.

Will I ever stop being angry?

If one were to look into my eyes nowadays, they are empty, just like my soul. I don't know why I am doing what I am doing. My heart is no longer here.

Should I tender my resignation? If yes, where do I go to?

I need to make a decision soon, before mid June, before I need to commit 9 months.

I wonder if you already know. What are your thoughts? How do you feel? Alas, I know that I can not talk to you about this as you will not share with me, just like how you chose to talk to someone else, rather than me about how to go about making your decision.

Upsetting

Was really upset with you today. It was completely unreasonable.

Was really hurt by what you'd suggested that day.

Doing other things

I need to do other things out of work.

Option 1: Evolve MMA
Option 2: AMORE Fitness
Option 3: Fitness First
Option 4: Chocolate class in the east
Option 5: Ice-cream class in the east
Option 6: Cycling club
Option 7: Kayaking

I need to get my life back in order.

Need to also plan for a trip at the end of the year. It will be nice to go to Vancouver, New York and Abu Dhabi ! :)

GLEE - Get it right

Love this song from GLEE. Almost cried at the end of it.

From GLEE:
What have I done? I wish I could run
Away from this ship goin' under
Just tryin' to help, hurt everyone else
Now I feel the weight of the world is
On my shoulders
What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
To get it ri-igh-ight
Can I start again with my faith shaken?
'Cause I can't go back and undo this
I just have to stay and face my mistakes
But if I get stronger and wiser
I'll get through this
What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
So I throw up my fist
Throw a punch in the air
And accept the truth that sometimes life isn't fair
Yeah, I'll send down a wish
Yeah, I'll send up a prayer
And finally, someone will see
How much I care!
What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many it times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
To get it ri-igh-ight

Reflection

Am I happy doing what I'm doing? Is this what I truly want?

I remembered being happy in the past. What true happiness really means. I don't know if I can continue.

I still wonder why that had happened. Did I accidentally delete you? Or maybe u'd wanted to delete me? If yes, what is the reason?

Wonder why

I wonder why you are no longer a friend on my FB. I don't remember removing you. Did I offend you or something? I feel like asking you why, yet I also feel stupid for asking why. Do I really care or is it my ego talking?

I don't know.

Break

After taking a break, I still dread going to work. I am concerned as to what this means. Previously, after a break of even a short while, I feel refreshed and ready to take on new challenges.

Now, I dread going back to work as I have to deal with the many crappy issues. I am slightly excited by some prospects but I dread the majority. I cannot imagine having to deal with the roster again and ensuring all is fair. I am tired of that. I don't know how to recharge myself.

I don't know why I am still doing this. Should I tender my resignation?

Letting go is the hardest thing to do

"When the bargaining has failed and the anger is too hard to maintain, we fall into depression, despair until finally we have to accept we have done everything we can, we let go. We let go and move into acceptance." Quote from Grey's Anatomy.

How apt is this for me right now. I am trying very hard to maintain the anger. For what? Is there any purpose? Everything that I have done does not seem to work and I have done everything that I can.

Have I fallen into depression? Yes, I have as I am dead inside.
Am I in despair? Yes, I am and I have gone beyond that as I am dead inside.

I need to accept that I have done everything I can. Once I have accepted that, then only will I be able to let go. I will then let go and then move into acceptance. Only then will I move forward.

I need a break from all this as work is causing me pain. I need to break away from the source of pain, as just what I'd done with you. This is the only way for me to recover. I need to find myself. It is somewhere there but it is buried very deeply in.

Almost over

It is almost over. Technically it is over as it has ended. However as there are still things that are due and I need to see it to completion, it is almost over. I cannot believe that this person has the audacity to miss such a deadline. Really crap!! +++
This person never fails to make me angry ... Never .... Really boiling mad !!!

What I need to do moving forward:
- cool down
- let go

No worth my emotions, time and energy anymore. Need to let go .....

Letting go has been the most difficult thing for me .... Most difficult ...

Nice

It was nice that she had asked me to be the 2nd "referee" for the good character letter thingy. Am so touched ! :)

When I was venting to you about e current, it was really sweet of you to have cheered me up. Really touched as well ! :)

These 2 made my day . I feel slightly better after hearing what u'd said. I was really touched that u know me so well.

Wonderful dinner

It was nice having dinner that day!

It was a good chat and it has been awhile. It feels like we're close once again. It used to feel like we're strangers or something.

Was really surprised and touched when u'd treated me.

Nonetheless, it was nice :)

Don't really care anymore

I don't really care anymore.

I don't care the stupid crap that goes behind the scenes. Just find out what has happened and explain to me.

i don't care about this and that and everything else.

SCREW EVERYTHING !!!

Moving on

It is time for me to move on.

I want to explore challenges out of pharmacy. I know that what I'm handling can be handled by others in time to come.

I feel sad to leave the big family that I'm accustomed to. I want to serve a few people. Yet I must look at the big picture and see what is best for myself. What do I want? Where do I see myself in the next few years?

I know that one of the good reasons for leaving is that
- I will never see you again, which will give time for my heart to heal completely. It still hurts to see you so close to others, except for me. It is painful. I just wish that I could cry but somehow, the tears refuse to fall.
- I will see my past less often, which will also give me more space to get over it.

I really need to move on. I hope to move out completely by April 2011.

Coverage

I am really tired from covering. It takes a lot from me. To also be available for so many many other things. It is too much for me. I am at breaking point. Very very close to going nuts.

I don't know why I am still in the department. I want to give up my license. I no longer feel that I belong to the profession. I don't understand any clinical things.

I am so drained - both emotionally and physically. To keep on thinking about work and how to improve it. The many things that I need to do.

I don't know how to do it. It's really SCREW EVERYTHING !!

Really tired.

This Saturday

It was really strange to have seen her that Tuesday. It was also enough to evoke such a huge reaction.

Nowadays I see through you. I don't see you at all. It pains me to see you. It hurts so badly. I pretend not to care but I am hurting inside. It is just so painful. I never thought that I felt that deeply for you.

I don't know if I will see her this Saturday. I have a strong feeling that I will. I really dont feel like going this Saturday. It will be difficult to get there, difficult to find parking, difficult to ignore her. I don't know if there will be air-con.

Don't give a freaking damn anymore

Am super pissed +++

I really don't give a freaking damn anymore.
- I dont care if the patients wait long.
- I dont care if the floor crumbles
- I dont care how the project turns out
- I dont care how the young ones are being developed
- I dont care how you are feeling >- Whatever! Sort it out yourself.

A test

What a day today has been.

It started off on a bad note. Things did not get any better from there.
1) I feel that I am expected to provide answers at very short notice.
2) I feel that I am expected to provide covers at very short notice. It's not as if I am hiding anyone in my pockets. I have given all that is already available.
3) I am highly surprised that a senior could not see the difficulties of the manpower at that point in time. Furthermore, what was proposed was ridiculous.
4) People get upset when I ask them to confirm their VL. Hallo - it's your VL? I have to chase you to ask YOU if YOU want to take YOUR VL?
5) I don't sit around waiting for people to call me or SMS me or to just wait for incoming emails and answer them one by one. I have many many other things to do. So pardon me if I don't answer immediately.
6) YOUR problem is not the only problem that I am handling. There are many many other problems that I am handling all by myself - by me, myself and I. I have no cover at all. Nobody. So I have NOBODY to SOS.
a) IT problems - come to me.
b) Roster problems - come to me.
c) Workflow problems - come to me.
d) EVERYTHING ELSE - also come to me.
e) Things that I no longer handle - also come to me. I am expected to think through what is not for me to handle.
7) Somehow I feel as though I am expected to know everything. Hallo - I don't know everything. If another senior did not pass it to me, I don't have it. I don't know what is in there and what needs to be done moving forward. Ask that person yourself.
8) I was NOT supposed to cover today. The SOS came too fast and unnecessarily. It was still manageable. BLOODY HELL !!! Even though I had helped when I didn't have to and then had to go off cos I had to go off for a meeting, ppl not happy. Damn damn damn pissed.
9) I feel crap and terribly upset with her. I still cannot forget what had happened that day. Of all the things that I have done, this is how I am being repaid back.
10) The GREATEST horrible thing that had happened was at the IT meeting when 2 of my past were at the same meeting as me. What a joke. What a horrible terrible cruel joke ! These are the 2 people whom I had nurtured to be IT pharmacists. They are now sitting opposite me with other institutions, when I need help terribly. What a cruel joke! I know things happen for a reason, for a good reason. I have yet to see why this is happening to me. Why couldn't either of the 2 join me as IT pcists? Why? Why? That was the last straw of a crap crap day.

The heart is now closed for good. Never to be re-opened again. It is too painful to care. I am done caring.

Times like this make me want to just submit my letter. If the electronic med ordering does NOT happen, I will do just that.

I am this close to a breakdown. THIS CLOSE !

I can hardly wait for the day to end.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow will determine what will happen next for me.

- If the project is a no-go, I will tender.
- If he doesn't clear, I will think 2x about being one this year
- If someone else is promoted and I'm not, I will go elsewhere. Yes, this other person deserves it. What will it take for me to deserve it? I don't have such passion. I don't care that much people.

I feel like I am running in circles.

I feel upset to have heard what I'd heard today. Cos she didn't think I'd done a good job, it affects me tremendously. As long it involves her in one way or another, it throws me off-course. Even with a silent disagreement or misunderstanding, it affects me tremendously. I am so greatly affected.

How come she doesn't know me well enough, even till now? Even if I did make a mistake, am I not allowed to make a mistake? I am human after-all. Sometimes, it's crazy to expect me to be perfect. I feel that making mistakes is so so terrible in what I'm doing. So much is at stake with a mistake, even a minor one.

I am really really tired of everything. Tired of caring. I really need to switch off the heart. FOR GOOD.

It is too painful to care. Too painful.

2011 has begun

2011 has started.

It is not starting off well. I don't know if I should continue doing what I do. Suddenly I feel that I am no longer the best person for the job. In many ways that one. In so many of the things that I am handling, I feel that I am lost.

I am also wondering what is bothering you. It upsets me to see you so off-tangent in that sense.

At times like this, I wish I was away from everything. Somehow I feel that I am living a lie. I don't know.