Drumming away

What a load of fun! Was drumming away on the rockband. :) It has been a day without any care in the world. What bliss! However I think I had enjoyed it too much. Have been eating non stop. Need to control myself on the eating part. It has been enjoyable hanging out with my sis and my cousins! What a great day !!!

Feels odd

I was transferring the D&D photos when I saw the photos that had been taken during the scuba diving trip. When I came across our shots, it felt so surreal to me. It has been ages since I had last met up with you and when I saw our photos, it brought back memories.

I have been through ups and downs in this whole journey. I wouldn't say I feel nothing at all now. I still feel something but whatever it is, it is a whole lot less. I seriously hope I am letting go more and faster now. It is good to have stayed away from you. I feel better and happier.

I know I was happy with you and the happiness then is different from the happiness now. Maybe it's the serenity now that makes the difference. The lack of the emotional roller-coaster is still something I am getting use to.

I know I have gotten much closer to a few more friends and I am grateful. The recent past events have been wonderful too.

Today

Today has been another happy happy but tiring day. Not sure what I am tired from though. Not sure why I am happy. It could be because I am so tired I don't know what I am doing or feeling. I could be in delirium. Maybe it's also because I completed the Great Eastern 10km despite the numerous obstacles. Maybe it's because I am slowly letting go. Whatever it is, I am contented with this state. I'd rather be in this state than in a state of anger and unhappiness.
Hopefully I am one step forward now.

Wonderful friend

I saw your status, my dear wonderful friend. I hope you are ok. Hope you are feeling much better and you have overcome that voice. Will text you in a short while. Don't want to wake you up just in case you are still sleeping

Dressing Up

It was great fun dressing up. Though I think I looked a little unflattering, it had been fun and I'd enjoyed myself. I am glad that of late, things have been good and I have been feeling happy rather than sad, upset and angry. I just hope it is not because of your sms. It would be terrible if your sms is the one that has led me to being happy. I don't deny that during the holidays or at night, I wish we were hanging out. I am still not there yet. Nonetheless, I am feeling good, despite the sore legs :)

D&D had been fabulous! When we went out for drinks after that, it was nice too. It was good hanging out with them. It had also been interesting to observe.

I am also glad that despite the few hours of sleep, I'd managed to get up to go for the Great Eastern 10KM run. Am also glad for the fine weather and that I had managed to jog the whole stretch despite some obstacles. It felt good to have completed it.

A part of me wished that you are still a part of my life. Yes, in a way, you are right now. Even through your absence, I have weaved you in still as I still miss you. Somehow I feel that I am slowly letting go now.

Happy Fun Day

Had a happy fun day today! :) Even though the start to the day was terrible as there was a heavy jam and was in a foul mood. After that, for some reason or other things got better. Went searching for costumes, had lunch. Had great fun as somehow all of us were high.

Then had attended a dear friend's daughter birthday party and had spent some time with them. It was magical. Am grateful for this. I am indebted to you, my dear wonderful friend :)

After that, settled a bit of work and then went on another costume search. Initially was a bit of headache but in the end, got something. It was really fun once again.

Had a great great great happy and fun today!!

What joy !!! :)

Conversation

Hi. Busy?

I see that you are feeling blue from facebook. How are you? Are you ok?

Ok. I hope you are all right.

Take care.

A part of me wished that you will ask me to meet up with you. A part of me wished that you'll say that let's try out that path. I see myself turning it down though.

I do hope you are fine.

Wondering ...

I wonder why you'd sent me that sms. I see that you are feeling blue. I hope you are all right. When I saw that I'd 6 smses this morning, I was like "Why so many?" When I saw that one was from a hp no with many numbers, I thought it was one of those smses from the bank or something. When I looked harder and I realised that it was your number, my heart skipped many beats. When I saw that it is from you, I was really happy.

I hope you are ok.

Conflict

I want to push this through. I need to push this through.

When I heard that even though personal conflicts non-personal, the effect that you have on me is not worth the risk to even try it out. I was so touched when I heard that. If such a dear friend even refuses to let that happen to me, how can I give up in this journey. I want to press on.

The road truly is not easy . There has been many bumps.

Am so tired from riding the road but I will press on. One step at a time

2 years ago

I don't want to be saying 2 years ago ...


When I saw the TCC mailer about Halloween, I suddenly remembered that we first went out to TCC Bugis because a senior wanted to meet up and talk to you to ask you how you are doing. I vaguely remember that it is also perhaps somewhere around this time that our friendship started.

I don't want to be saying 2 years ago and reminiscing the past anymore.

It is time I look forward.

Seeing you online

When I see that you are online, my immediate reaction is that of happiness. I immediately went "Ohh .. you're online! Yay! :)" Then I remember that I am distancing myself from you. Sometimes I wonder when is it that I will get over you completely. I hate going home immediately after work. I have always enjoyed spending time with you. We have gone to so many places that I now have many places to avoid.

I need to find the delete button to the past soon. To delete the wonderful memories. Yes, they were wonderful but they can only be memories at best. I have to let them go. It is painful when something good is the opposite. Such ironies.

I am yearning to go for dinner with you. It is just driving me crazy.

I know I have many things to be grateful for. At least you're still alive and kicking. I just wish the past is now. I am being so torn apart between the heart and the head. When work ends and I head home, that's when I yearn for the past. I know I can choose to completely bury myself at work but I need to find other options. ARGH!! It's just driving me crazy!!!! Argh!!!

Here I am, undergoing unnecessary turmoil and you're happily sailing about with life.

Still a long road ahead

The road ahead is still long
The extreme tiredness could not even numb the feelings that jumped out
Sadness ensues

I don't know why but I caught a glimpse and saw your good friend walk by that day
Then later on, I saw you walking next to your good friend as both of you walked by the meeting room
I don't understand how I could make out that it was you and your good friend that had walked by
Why was it that I did not miss that? Why was it that I saw both of you

Even though I did not see your face, I saw your good friend
Based on the appearance from the back and judgement, I am certain that it was you
Both of you seemed to be walking hurriedly
Why was this the case? Was it such that I will not see both of you

I don't know if it will be better if someone had called me at that point in time and that I had to go out to answer the call
It would have been interesting if I had been on the phone and both of you had walked by
I would have been terribly shaken

I didn't even have to actually see both of you but it was enough to throw me off
I was in a foul mood after that
When will that straight line ever come
Why am I still so rattled and so affected

It is truly a vast comparison
I know it is no point wishing that it will all simply go away
Once I have completely let you go, I will make that leap

I need to keep myself occupied to forget you completely

Closure

I am glad that you are still alive. Even though you are not with me, I know that you are still around and that I can call you if I want to. You may not be able to pick up the call but I know that you would have seen my call. I am also glad that you have someone who is watching over and taking care of you there. At least I will not be worried as to whether you are ok.

I still miss you. I have yet to reach the level of seeing you as a friend. One day I will. I just hope that one day, we can resume the friendship. I know that with any relationship, it takes 2 parties to put in effort. If by then, we have grown so far we are strangers, I just have to accept that.

I wish you well.

Memories

They shall just be memories at best. It is long overdue to have moved on. A few things have hit me. Had it been you, I would have realised that you were off. Yet I didnt pick up the signals for someone else. It made me realise that I need to focus on what is important. It is still not too late. I am so worried that the past will repeat itself that I have distanced myself. This is unfair. I will change.

I am so physically tired now. Tired but happy as I have persisted with other things. I am glad that I managed to pull myself out of despair.

It is time that the past ends today.

Contradictory

Why must it hurt as it heals? Why is something that was once good is now bad? I need to find the delete button to the past, to erase the happiness then that has led to pain now. Am I now numb to everything? If that is the case, why do I feel pain and anger? If I am numb, I should not feel anything. As I need to move on with this aspect of the past, will a completely new environment? Is it worthwhile to stay on for a glimmer of hope? Do I need a break or do I need to say goodbye? There are so many questions swirling through my mind. Are they all linked back to the same question? Why is it so tough for me to let go? Others let go so easily. Why is it that I cannot get you out of my head? I remember the good old days as though it was only yesterday and when I do remember them, they appear fresh and jump at me and I remember how good they truly were. It feels as though the absence is even more glaring now.

I don't know how I am going to get out of bed tomorrow. I feel like I am spiraling out of control once more and this is just as bad as last time. I need to pull myself out of this.

At times, I don't know what am I living for. I don't know the purpose of my existence. I need to focus on other things such that I am able to overcome what I don't have. I need to enjoy what I have rather than feel the pain of what I do not have.

If only I can find the delete button to the past. If only I can delete the good memories from which I am hurting from right now. Why can't it be so simple? Why can't I just over-ride the past? I know I can create the future but right now, everything seems so bleak. I am at a loss as to what to do.

I am tired.

I need to figure out my options

I dont know anymore

I dont know what I'm doing anymore. I'm just doing things for the sake of doing things. I really cannot see the big picture right now. I am so so tired. I feel like just quitting. Quitting work, quitting my quest to overcome my past with jen. I just want to call you and talk to you. Everything sucks big time right now and I have nothing to fall back on. Work sucks, personal life sucks. I really don't know what is the point any more. I am very tired. I miss you so much.

I feel like I am doing the same old things. I am not learning and doing anything new. I know I have a part to play in this. But I really feel like giving up. Most people are learning and doing new things. I am still stuck doing the same old stupid things and I am sick and tired of that. I have had enough.

I need to venture elsewhere already.

I have had enough. WITH EVERYTHING!!!