Inspired

I was inspired to have read it. I cannot screw up.

I am glad that our paths have crossed :)

Looks manageable! Looks promising! :)

Have I lost touch

I was surprised to hear it once again. I had thought that things were going well. Today just seemed like a bad day. Hopefully it is just one of those days. I hope it will not happen.

Have I also been less sensitive? Have I been more selfish till I couldn't detect it? Am I that self-absorbed?

One of the stuff that had happened today made me wonder. I know that it would have been the same with you. And I would have been so caught .. so so caught in the middle. Given my state of mind with your presence, I would have made the wrong decision. I am so glad things have turned out the way they have turned out.

I have one to handle, perhaps a little less than you ... maybe because I couldn't handle you at all as I was so blinded.

I am glad for the current situation as it means I no longer have to go the past. The past with bittersweet memories.

I need to keep remembering the whole package. And that life has moved on .

How is it ...

How is it that the closeness we once shared over the couple of years disappeared over night? I can imagine asking you out for dinner again. It will be something like this "Are u available for dinner?" We then meet up and I don't know what to say. I will be at a loss for words. What had happened? Is there really nothing?

I wonder why is it that my dear friend could tell me much early on that it is not possible for us to be friends. It is still true today. I wonder if it is ever possible for us to be friends. Maybe I will always want more from you ... more than what you will be ready to give ... I have been reading your recent blogs ... I wonder if you have found someone. Good if you have. I just hope it's not C. If it is, I will be terribly upset as I will wonder why is it that I am not good enough for you.

I still wish that you miss me ...

Not looking foward

I am so not looking forward to tomorrow. It is going to be damn troublesome. ARGH !!! So irritating!!! I think it's just too much ... ARGH !!!!

I really don't want to go back to work tomorrow. I will arrive promptly and leave promptly as it's going to be freaking irritating ...

Another part that I don't want to handle is how to manage or handle someone ... A part of me is saying " Just do whatever already. I dont give a freaking damn. I don't care. I don't wanna care." Why should I care for this person? Why should I care anymore actually?

I thought that I had sorted out all my issues. I thought I had figured things out. ARGH !!!

I hate it when this person acts all so "cutesy". Oh .. give me a break .. Cut out the freaking act !! Bloody hell !!!! ARGH !!!!!

Shocked

I am still shocked with the reality. We have drifted apart and we have nothing in common. There is no basis for the friendship. I can't believe that the conclusion is that it is not possible for me to be friends with you.

Take care

Please help me take care of her as I will no longer be around for her.

The dinner

As you sat opposite me during dinner, I kept looking at you. A part of me felt normal. A bigger part of me felt that it was not possible for us to be friends. I don't know if we were friends from the start. Perhaps I was so smitten by you. When I reflect on the friendships that I have and I compare that with what I have with you, it is worlds apart. I thought I could be friends with you but having dinner with you that day just re-inforced the conclusion that that can never happen. It is amazing though that a dear friend had told me this much earlier on, during the very very early days of recovery. When I'd shared with her about my conclusion, she'd reminded me that she'd already told me that from the beginning but I'd refused to believe her.

Why did I get so emotionally involved with you? How did it happen?

Sometimes I feel that I've been used.

Drifted apart

We have drifted apart. I didn't think that it would be such a stark contrast. When I meet up with my uni friends, we have many things to catch up on. When I meet up with those whom I've not met up for a while, it feels normal. When I had dinner with you just now, I remembered being anxious, being afraid that you will scold me as I was wasting your time. I was also nervous yet I was looking forward to having the dinner with you. All the emotions were mixed. I was just so fed up with life and didn't think that having dinner with you will make things any worse than they are already. If anything, it would brighten it up.

However after dinner, I realise that we have nothing in common at all. Nothing. It felt weird, normal, I don't know. I do know that we have drifted apart. Having dinner was good as it forced me to see reality for what it is, rather than what I'd imagined it to be, thinking that it was still the good old days.

The past has long gone. I need to do something with the present, to have a better future.

I don't know if I have what it takes to handle the present.

I'd asked a good friend if it would have been better if you'd stayed. The reply was that I would have been worse off as the emotions would have been a major roller coaster. When we were conversing during dinner just now, I knew that I didn't have what it takes to handle you. I would have been in a terribly tight and difficult position if you'd stayed on.