Project Disappearance

Project Disappearance

Objective: To let go of the past and to be on the path to true happiness as I deserve better.

Background: I have been swinging from being ok to not being ok. I have been sad and I have been happy. I cannot hang around for drips of happiness. I need happiness that will last much much longer. I need someone to care about me to the same extent as I care about this other person. For the short moment of highs that I get, I live through long periods of terrible lows. Remember the stinging remarks. I do not deserve that. I need time to heal, just like the wound on my leg.

Method: Cut off contact COMPLETELY for x months or years or indefinitely.

Outcome: To be able to just see you as just a friend and nothing more. To feel NOTHING when I see you and C together. To feel NOTHING when I see you and another person together. To LIVE in the present.

Missing you

I miss you
I miss your smile and your caring ways
I miss you being next to me

I miss having you with me
Having breakfast
Having dinner

Being with you makes me happy
Because of you, I am now a better person
I have changed

I don't know if I will ever see you again
One day I will let go of the past once and for all
I miss you

Yesterday

I cried yesterday. I was already pissed off when I set off. When I couldn't find a parking lot, I was screaming my lungs out. I guess I was suppressing my tears since Day 1. True enough, tears begin to fall. I was just crying. It took awhile before the tears dried up. The place brought back many wonderful and at the same time painful memories. I truly enjoy every moment with you. However I remember that it was also at this same place, when you had asked about vacancies. I still remember it vividly even though it has been more than a year now. It seemed like it was just yesterday. I remembered a sinking feeling throughout the whole conversation. I was hoping that you would not go to that organization. I don't know if you are in a better place. At the end of the outing yesterday, again I cried. Seeing 2 other people at the outing brought out the tears. It was painful for me. I was yearning to call you. I just wanted to call off the time out. So what if it is momentary happiness, at least I was happy. I was truly upset yesterday. I just wanted to call you and to hear your caring voice once again. I miss you so much. i don't know how long this time-out will be. i feel like ending it already. I don't give a damn about this time-out anymore.
I miss you ...

At Ease

I feel happy and at ease today. Perhaps seeing a good friend which I have not seen for 9 months perked me up. Perhaps it was because I have finally said what I have been wanting to say for some time. I know that I need to follow through what I have said. Otherwise no point saying it. It is just words and no action. I want the wound to heal. It needs to heal. Enough of torturing myself in that manner. In a way, I feel happy. I also feel sad at the same time. Perhaps it will only hit me when I have not seen you for months. It was driving me crazy when I did not see you for 3 weeks. Maybe I will be okay this time round, ie to feel all right even though I have not seen you for 3 weeks. This then needs to be extended to months.
How do I know I have recovered? I wish the time is now. In a way, I miss you already. I feel like calling you. I miss your caring voice. I miss you. I need to focus my time and effort on other things such as work, family, my pre-reg.
I wish I was meeting up with you. I wish we had spent more time yesterday. It would be nice if we had stayed out till midnight. It wouldnt be fair to you as you were tired. And so was I. However I would have gladly stayed out if you were agreeable.

THE DAY

Today is the day whereby I will finally do what I should have done many months ago. I hope I have the strength to see it through. It will be the start of the journey whereby I will let go of the past.

Irritating

This is super duper irritating. You are going around meeting the whole damn world and you dont have time for me. I know that I have no right to impose that we meet up regularly. You know what, I am no longer going to hang around like an idiot for draps of happiness.

AUF WIEDERSEHN!

The Date

The date has been set. There is no turning back. I thought I could hang on for a little while more. I have gone through ups and downs in this short period of time. I keep swinging back to and from being ok. There is no way I can continue living this. I need to do this. If I wait any longer, I will just explode and go crazy.

I hope things turn out fine.

Frustration

I am frustrated and irritated. I thought the holiday in Bangkok would help to take my mind off things. Unfortunately, it was only slightly better. I still could not help but think of you. I miss you so much. Being with you makes me happy. It has been some time since I had last met up with you. I am just going crazy inside. I feel like calling you and talking to you. I miss your caring voice. I miss you caring for me. I wish I could meet up with you soon and have dinner with you to just catch up with you. I wonder how you have been. It makes me happy to see you happy. Initially I was ok at the thought of not having you in my life. Now I am not so sure, which makes this even more painful. I am glad work will be so busy that it will occupy my mind. However when work ends, emptiness creeps in. I just feel like smashing my phone such that I am no longer contactable by anyone.

One more month

I need to hang on for one more month.

I am minimizing contact DRASTICALLY already. I just need to hang on before I completely disappear. I am tired and drained out inside. I need to plan out properly and really just hang on.

A little more. Almost there.

Letter

Dear XXX,

I will be disappearing. Maybe it will be for 6 months, maybe more. I don't know. But I know that I will need to disappear. For my sanity and ultimately, my happiness. I apologize for being a lousy friend much earlier on when I didn't agree to your detachment period. I was selfish. I am now being selfish again by letting you know that I am going to disappear.
To be honest, I hate you right now. I am really really upset with the recent events or non-events.
Anyway, I am returning you your things.
I hope that when I have settled my issues, we can resume our friendship from where it was left off.
I wish other options exist. I can't think of anything else. I am still struggling and the only option is to disappear.
I am sorry.
Thank you for your friendship, spending time with me when you can and encouraging me and being patient with me. Thanks to you, I now want to lead a healthy and active lifestyle.
Thank you.

Auf Wiedersehn

I HATE 12TH JUNE 2008

12th June 2008 - what a day.

I freaking hate that day. If only I had decided differently. Things may have turn out differently. Then again, maybe not. Certain things are beyond my control. The huge wound shall serve as a continuous reminder. The pain, difficulty and immobility. I think I may have thought of a certain image or a particular thought may have popped in and it has led to this. This huge wound that is taking some time to heal. Ironic isnt it .... The wound on my leg will need time to heal. Yet I am not doing anything to allow myself to heal.

My close friends have already advised me. There have been numerous incidents that have pointed out the decision that needs to be made. Yet, I refuse to heed this advice. How much longer am I going to do this to myself? How much longer.

I am honestly angry right now. Angry with so many things. I am angry with you. I feel like I hate you right now. I just want to scream my lungs out!!! DAMN IT !!!! DAMN YOU!!!!!

I am going to disappear.

I don't think it will affect you in any way. I don't think you will even shed one tear. And here I am, crying again.

Wound

How ironic. The physical wound that happened on that day coincided with a decision made. If only a different decision was made. Events would have turned out differently. It is definitely eating me inside now that I know why the request was made. How stupid can I be? Enough is enough.

The physical wound and pain is a reminder of the inner turmoil. I am numbing out the inner turmoil. I am glad that I have the physical wound and pain to remind me of the decision I am going to make.

I AM GOING TO DISAPPEAR!!!

Damn it, you will be someone else's problem. You have so many friends anyway to take care of you, to keep you company and to hang out with you. I am also sure you have someone to drive you to work and back etc.

I AM CUTTING YOU OUT OF MY LIFE!!!

AUF WIEDERSEHN!!!!!

Disappearance

I am sad and upset that I will have to disappear. I have no idea how long it will be. Some have said that it will be for 1 or 2 years. Initially I thought 1 or 3 months at most will suffice. Now I feel that it will have to be for at least 6 months. I keep going through the same cycle over and over again. I am sure my friends are tired of hearing the same old story. I know my friends also want to see me get better. I need time to heal and recover. Deep down, my tears are flowing non-stop as I cannot imagine my life without you in it. It scares me to death. Right now, I keep wishing it is possible. If it had been for at least 1 day or even better, 1 month, it would have been more worthwhile.

I keep running through the options and still wonder if there is another way out. It keeps pointing back to the same answer. I was asked how much longer am I going to keep doing this to myself. It has to stop. I have to tell you I will be disappearing. I cannot just disappear like that. It would not be fair to you. I am sorry that I have to take this option.

It still hurts that I am not by your side as often as I would like to. I get jealous that you are spending so much of your time with others. I know I have no right to impose that you spend time with me. Not that you will do it anyway.

For my sanity and happiness, I need to disappear. I want to.

Inner turmoil

I thought I had overcome it. I was happy the past few days. I still have not realized that it is the cycle starting all over again. How much longer am I going to do this to myself? I am tired of going through it all over again. I should just do it already. Instead of wondering what-if, I shall just come clean and do what should have been done many months ago.

Please give me the strength to see it through.