Tough ones

It is interesting that both of you have the same surnames. Why do I always choose the tough ones? Am I out to prove myself that I am only good at failing? All that my dear friend had said last night was all true. All true. I will not give up on a tough challenge. After all, I knew that you were a tough nut to crack. I was determined to decode you at all costs. I went all the way. And I got hurt in the end due to the emotional entanglement. I remembered telling myself that if I can't have something, all the more I want it and will do anything to get it. Right now, I feel like I don't want it. I want to give up.

I know that there are many layers to this one too. I don't know if it's more or less than you. To unpeel the layers, it will take effort. The immediate thoughts that come to mind is that when I'd tried to understand you, I remembered the journey and I remember the pain as though it was only yesterday. I still feel the pain and remember it so vividly. It still freaking HURTS!!!!

I feel like walking away from everything right now. Maybe walking will not suffice. I need to RUN AWAY !

I GIVE UP

I give up !!! I give up !!! I freaking give up !! I dont want to do this anymore. I am freaking tired !! Freaking tired.

The start to the weekend sucks ... I was told of some horrible news.

Facebook

As I'd keyed in your name in my friends list in facebook, it prompted that I had no friends that contain such a name. How apt. I have no such friends.

Friends don't hurt each other. I am not saying that you are hurting me. It has been proven time and again that there is no way that we can be friends as I will always want more. Given that I've cared so much for so long, it will be a long time before I feel nothing at all.

Sigh ! ARGH !!!

I wish I could turn off the feelings just like that. It freaking hurts.

Wonderful

It has been a wonderful day. It has been peaceful. I am thankful. I have also received many well wishes.

I have many things to be thankful for. I should stop wishing for what I don't have.

I was so touched by sister's gesture. It was so sweet. When I read her card, I was on the verge of tears. Really touched :)

Still on the lookout

I am still on the look out for your SMS or any surprises from you. If I can accept that it does not happen from a dear friend, I should accept the same thing from you. I don't know why I still feel that it should be different for you.

I don't know if you truly forgot or if you feel that you should not sms me. However I don't think it's the latter based on what has happened in the past. It is most a likely a case whereby it just does not fit into your schedule.

Sigh ... I don't know why it is so difficult to let you go. Perhaps I don't think anything better can possibly happen for me.

It sucks

It sucks !!! I really don't want to to do this anymore. I can't be a mentor - I am terrible at it. I am terrible dealing with emotions of others - that's why I am numb. ARGH !!! I can't handle this anymore. I handled the situation poorly just now. I just feel like screaming my head off. I just feel like I'm a ranting and raving lunatic !!!

And at the back of my mind, I just want to meet up with you. I should have looked you up. So what if you'd turned me down? So what? Screw the consequences !!! Screw them !!! After all, you'd turned me down so many times that one more would not hurt anymore. It freaking hurts !!!

Analogy to quit smoking

I find my predicament so analogous to quit smoking .. I need to find a date to decide to quit and focus on that. Get rid of everything that reminds me of you. The nicotine patches will be work, family and friends. I am almost there. Almost. It is within grasp. Even my dear friend was confident that I would have gotten over it by now ... I blame the flowers.

I need to remember that things happen for a good reason. It was a good thing that you didnt stay on. Had you stayed, I would have lost things that matter to me - my friends, my family and my work. I am so sure of it. I was so blinded by you that nothing else mattered. You were the centre of my universe.

I know that you are also in a better place. I know that you weren't too happy either. It's a win-win situation. You're happy and I'm better off without you in my life.

I need to cut off total contact for AT LEAST one year or two .. I know that it is not determined by the duration. I need to stop thinking about wanting to look you up tomorrow. If we happen to meet, that is by chance. Nothing I can do about that.

Push out these thoughts

I need to push out these thoughts ... Thoughts of meeting up with you ... of having dinner with you .. of catching up with you .. of looking you up tomorrow ...

You are still the first person I think of .... ARGH !!!

I need to focus on other things

What will happen?

I wish I could meet up with you tomorrow. I just feel like looking you up tomorrow. Of course, I'm assuming you're still there. Sigh. I wish the part of me that remembers the lousy days is stronger and louder. I need to remember the painful days of sorrow. I need to remember the day when I said that I needed a time out. I need to remember the pain as you left that night, the pain as you walked out the door, which was your last day. I no longer have such lows. I need to remember the craziness of being so blinded that I didn't see anything else.

I wish you would walk up to me to ask me if I'm free. I know that that will never happen.

In my fantasy world, I will get royce chocs and a very pretty and bouquet of flowers from you.

ARGH !!!! I JUST WANT TO LOOK FOR YOU TOMORROW !!!!

Things do happen for a reason

Things do happen for a reason ... and for a GOOD reason .... It has been very hard for me to accept that you decided to leave and not take up the position. I felt betrayed and rejected. Now that the additional has come in and what is required of me to function in this new role, it is going to take a lot. I am glad that we are not friends as I can just speak my mind as it is without caring about losing the friendship. I am glad that I decided to tell off. I would not have been able to do that to you. I would be so torn and so afraid. I would be afraid that I would lose your friendship and my friendship with the rest and my place as well. I still remember the incident and I defended you blindly. I know that I will continue to get worse.

I am glad that you left. I need to keep remembering the picture.

I am glad I stood my ground and was firm for the instance.

I feel really proud of myself. I am really happy.

I don't give a damn if the feelings are hurt. I know that what I am asking for is fair and reasonable.

Totoro

A close friend remembered my story whereby I'd shared about losing Totoro. She remembered and got it for me! I was so touched and really really really happy!! :)

Source of pain

The source of pain has been identified. Is it worthwhile to hang on? I have learnt that I should remove the source of pain to be happy. Should I just go like that?

I am damn frustrated and damn pissed. ARGH !!!! It has been a terrible weekend !!!!

ARRGH!!!

What's new

I read your latest blog entry. I wonder if you have found your soul mate.

Stunned

I am stunned. I don't know what to make of it. I don't know what I want anymore. I don't know what to do.

On a separate note, I need to remember the whole picture. I need to remember the pain and the happiness. It was not pure bliss during those days. Interesting that the songs by Click 5 can be related to you.

I need to stop wondering.

If only

I wonder what it means. I don't think you are referring to me. I don't have such an effect on you.

I wonder.

I need to stop wondering.

Unbelievable

The reply I got to "Hey Hey! :)" was "yup?" Bloody hell !!! I really need to remember the pain before I go back to doing this. I need to remember the lows. I only remember the happiness right now.

I need to be more open about the possibilities. I need to remember the peace and how I got on along fine with my life with your absence. I need to get used to that serenity.

Have yet to get up

How irritating can this get? I had attempted to go jogging this evening. The weather was marvellous. However I just could not focus and I could not complete it. It was an extremely feeble attempt. I am upset with myself. I only remembered thinking to myself how much I just did not want to do it.

I don't want to jog. I don't want to do this anymore. I just want to quit. i want to quit.

I had imagined tendering my resignation.

I need and I want to stop living in regrets. I remembered what was told to me. To stop living in regrets, one must be open to possibilities.

I remembered the MSN encounter. You'd just sent an emoticon and I'd replied with so many things. Looking back, it had been like that more often than not. I need to remember the pain and the lows and the efforts that I'd put in to get out of the cycle. I need to remember the peace and quiet internally. Right now, I can only remember the happiness.

I remembered the elation when you'd sent me that emoticon on MSN. It was endearing touch to me. I remembered grinning like an idiot. My thoughts then raced very very quickly, like you were going to ask me to dinner and all that. Alas it didn't happen. The happiness had been shortlived. I need to remember that. I need to remember why I am doing this. Such happiness cannot last forever.

I WANT TO GET OUT OF THIS PHASE !!!! ARGH !!!

Why am I still doing this?

I wonder why I am still doing this. Is this what I want? Really? Am I just too lazy to look around or am I truly happy doing this?

Not much has changed since 3 years ago.

Is this what I really want? Is this how I had envisioned my life to be?

Closing doors

3 strikes and you're out. I know your reasons are valid. Yes, I am being petty but I don't give a damn. I am sick and tired of asking already.
1) The door has been left open - I had mentioned that when you're available we could meet up to catch up. I know that you're busy but given the fact that you could have dinner with others but not me just says it all
2) Invitation sent out in advance, seeking availability - You did not want to make it possible
3) Spontaneous invitation - Yes, you are busy.

I get it ... I FREAKING get it ... You are one busy person.

The door is now closed.

I will NO LONGER ask. It ends now.

Moving forward, the only way to meet up is only if you ask, which I don't think will happen in my lifetime.

Deeply saddened

When I heard what was said last night, I had put up a brave front. What I had suspected was going to happen. I am still hoping against hope that a miracle will happen. Last night, when I kept waking up, I kept thinking if it was just a bad dream. Alas, it was not. The conversation had happened for real.

I really don't know what I am going to do. It hurts. It is just so painful.

I just want you, my dear friend, to be happy. I feel upset that it has gotten to this state.

I hope the right decision is being made.

Chat

A dear friend was chatting with me. A lot was said. It was nice being able to talk like that, even though I wasn't talking much. If only I had a crystal ball and I could see what the future holds. Each time I think about what is going to happen, I break down inside and tears start to fall. Now I've numbed myself such that I block out that picture, refusing to believe that it will become an eventual reality. As the day gets nearer, the more I block it out, such that I can run away from it all.

I hope and pray that the decision is being made for the right reasons.

I feel so empty.

Wave

The wave is coming again. The cycle begins once more. I am so IRRITATED!! IRRITATED!!!

I imagine you asking me if I am available to meet up and I will tell you that I am NOT FREE! I don't want to ask anymore. I am tired. I am not sure why you have yet to knock or to come in. I have closed the freaking door. The door is CLOSED!

When I saw that a friend was tagged, never did I imagine that it would be your album and that you were hanging out with them. I wonder when this was taken. I see that you were wearing the jacket and the watch too. I also see your good friend. Why am I not surprised.

The door is CLOSED.