Stunned

So much info revealed today and many things to reflect on

1) Stunned with the shocking news. I thought issues had been sorted out. Things appeared to be all right and happier. Have I lost touch and connection? It really pains me to imagine the absence.

2) Didn't handle that issue well. Jumped too quickly. Didn't control my emotions better.

3) There are more similarities between 09 and 06 than between 08 and 06. Both have the same birth order. Some slight friction and perhaps frustration earlier on. Recognize the strong headedness, frankness and the caring manner. Was completely thrown off when 001 had said that remark. Was stunned. I wonder if 001 is seeing that I am about to go down the same path again. I am worried that I will repeat my mistakes. Or worse still, cos of the perception that 09 is similar to 06, my wall comes up and I then become unfair in my treatment. 001 had remarked that 09 has a much better heart than 06, much better. 08 was completely different. Sometimes I wonder how bad is the heart of 06. Was it really that bad? I need to figure out to ensure that the mistakes are not repeated.

Are you away

I sure hope that you are away. If not, I will feel that my actions were really foolish.

I wish you had been there on Sunday. I wanted you to be proud of me. I don't know why I'd wanted that. Perhaps it was to prove to you that I'd moved along fine without you. I don't know.

Feedback

It was interesting to hear the feedback that had been given to me during the car ride just now. I really don't think I am such a wonderful person.

It was a fun car ride :)

I still cant believe it

I still can't believe it that
- the SPC oral ppt had gone really well. I'd received numerous compliments of "Well done" from both my colleagues and non-colleagues. I had received feedback that I was confident throughout the whole session and that I had been "tzai", ie damn good during the ppt.
- the kaizen ppt during the admin meeting had gone really well too. CEO had praised compliments of what pharmacy had done and COO had also personally come up to me to say "Well done"

I am still reeling from that happiness ... Really really happy.

This shows that I have what it takes to be excellent. I am capable of achieving things. My only barrier is myself.

I am still very very happy

This week

This week has been a really really STRESSFUL week. 2 highly stressful presentations, one on Friday and one on Sunday. Cracked my head to ensure that the presentations were good and clear.

The one on Friday went really well.

The one on Sunday went well too. Quite a number came up to me and said to me "Well done !" Really happy to hear the comments. Other comments included "Eloquent" "Confident" "Handled the questions well" "Professional". Am really really really happy with how it turned out. The oral presentation went 2nd prize!! Yay !!! Such happiness. I was already very happy when I'd ended and had received the compliments ! :)

I wouldn't say that it has been an easy week. It has been highly challenging. Broke down a few times prior to this week. Am only glad that my hard efforts had paid off.

Even though I didn't win the first prize, I am happy with myself. I have given it my best. Perhaps this is the lesson for me .. to always give my best. The outcome is secondary. Had I not given my best, I would have wondered what if. There is nothing I would want to change as to how I'd prepared for this. I gave it my all, if not more.

Hope to get a good sleep tonight.

Getting along well

I am glad that I am getting along well with the current one. Even Ad had mentioned that she sees me bonding with the current one. I find that I click really well with the current one too. It's been so much fun and enjoyable. This is one of the things that keep me going.

On cloud 9

Since by the time I am writing this, it is already Saturday, I will mention that I was happy yesterday. Really really happy. I feel that my hard work into preparing for the presentation of the kaizen at admin meeting had paid off. CEO had complimented pharmacy several times during this meeting about using Skype for CE with JMC Pharmacy staff and had mentioned that this technology had been put to good use. Really happy that he complimented several times. He had also praised the laptop ordering of meds. Am glad that am able to make boss look good ... look really good :)

After admin meeting had ended, COO had then come up to me and said "Shakira, well done" ... Wah ... I was elated to have received this compliments personally from COO. Really really happy.

To end the day, I had received an electronic card from you. I was really happy at that point in time. However when I looked at the card again, I was like okay, no big deal, so what. Maybe it has finally sunk in for me that I will always want more than you. Remember the MSN incident. Remember the many past incidents. I will push and want for more from you and that will never happen. Friendship between us is not possible as it really is not worth my while to pursue the friendship. When I reflect on what I have given and received from the rest, it is a whole lot from the rest. I wish you all the best.

Am really happy that the CE with Skype kaizen ppt had received compliments from CEO, COO and of course boss :)

I ABSOLUTELY HATE IT !!

I absolutely hate it ! How did it get to this state, whereby I'm running around like a headless chicken? How do I motivate myself to keep going? My battery has gone flat and I don't know how to re-charge it. I feel like screwing up my life but I know that it will never happen.

I hate it that
1) Work is piling up like crazy. I must be terribly poor in time management. I have lost sight of the big picture. I don't know why I am doing this any longer.
2) I still think of you. I still care about you. I never stopped loving you. ARGH !!! Why must this be so? Why am I holding on so tightly to you? Sigh ...

The current one is a little similar to you, very very caring. I need to be careful, to distance myself.

Reality

I have not stopped loving you. The pain is definitely a lot less nowadays as compared to the emotional turmoil of the past. I know that you're happier with where you are now. I don't think you'd be happy if you'd stayed on.

I have to accept the fact that I still care for you and to care for you from afar as we will never be together.

I need to move on with my life.

I want to move on.

Yes, other things are keeping me occupied. It has yet to stop me from completely thinking about you. I don't think I will ever forget the past.

I want to embrace the past and accept that it is part of me, instead of wishing it never happened. It was a good thing that it happened as I know what happiness means. To spend time with someone I care about. I want to accept that it can never happen for us.

I want to find other alternatives.

What will happen next Sunday?

A part of me is looking forward to next Saturday and Sunday. I hope to run into you. I don't know if it's for the right reasons. Maybe I just want to see you. Maybe I want to see if I can pass the test. For all I know, you didn't sign up. I need to remember the recent dinner that I had with you.

We have become strangers and there is no basis for the friendship.

I am also nervous as I will be presenting the oral presentation. The preparation for this short presentation has taken years of my life. Sigh ! Am excited but am also scared. All that I have to do is think through it. I know I can do it ! Come on !!!

Letting go

I should just let everything go. I am holding on so tightly that it is driving me nuts and I think it's driving everybody nuts. I am so tired. I should just stop caring.

I am thinking too much.

I need to just let go. You can just do whatever you want already. I don't want to feedback. I don't want to say anything anymore. I am freaking freaking tired.

Each time I think of the name, I get angry. I get so pissed that forget it. Not worth my time and effort. I don't want and I don't need such crap.

Getting better

Maybe I am getting better. I know that it can never happen. I am so occupied with other things that I think of you less.

I don't know how to handle the other one. I will push and see what happens. Things happen for the right reason. Let's see what the future unfolds.

Advice

Things to do
1. Drink as minimal coffee
2. Cut off ties as we can never be friends

House

Quotes from House

"I thought that things would change after the meeting. However it felt like we were strangers. What an anti-climax." - How true.

At least, things didn't get worse. It has gotten better, I think.

We can never be friends.

ARGH !!!

ARGH !!! Just kill me now ... There's so many things to do ... so many ... so many ... I don't know where to start .... Truly ... I really dont ... ARGH !!!!!

To make things worse, I am really tired now. I just want to sleep. I just want to run away ... from reality.

I want to take e leave !!!

Don't know

I don't know what to do, how to feel, what to react, what to do next. I hope my next course of action is the right one. I don't know. I am at a loss. A part of me wants to give it another go. A part of me wants to just let this go and find an alternative.

I am at a loss.

When I look at the outstanding things to do, I have no idea where to start and what to do. I feel damn urgh right now. Damn damn urgh!

On a different note, I feel that I didn't handle it well. I should have been nicer.

Sigh ...

Uber pissed

I am damn damn damn pissed. Super duper irritated !!!

AARRRGGHH !!! If it's for this kinda thing, chase like hell. If it's for other things, slack like crazy.

Bloody hell !!! Bloody hell !!!!

Damn Damn Damn pissed !!!!!