Still wondering

I wonder where you were last night. I saw that you had an activity on facebook in the morning. Does that mean you were not working? When it rains in the morning, I wonder how do you get to work? I remembered you mentioning that you didn't quite like it when it rained and you had go to to work. I wonder how you got to work yesterday. I wonder if a good friend of yours gave you a ride to work. I wonder how much longer it will take before I am completely over you. How have you been? This is still being conjured up in my mind, whereby when I call you, I'll hear your caring voice at the end of the line and I will simply melt. I still miss you and I am aching to see you again. However when I imaginet that, I see it as being awkward at my end and I will not know how to be a friend to you. I still miss you so so much.

Reconciliation

I need to reconcile the fact that I will get better but I may not be happier. I still remember the past filled with many wonderful memories. Yes there were low periods but the highs more than made up for it, I feel. I still feel that emptiness and that something is missing. A part of me wants to give you a call to just talk to you. A part of me tells me to let go and that it is not worth it. I still miss having you around. Seeing the project write-up and the forms at this stage is not helping matters. Seeing the project write-up brings me back to my happiest days which I know I will no longer have. I miss you. I miss you bringing Ruski for me. I miss you getting nice goodies from JB from me. I miss you.

MSN

I wonder if when you log onto MSN and see me online, I wonder if you want to talk to me. I wonder if you miss me the slightest bit. It is just killing me that I cannot talk to you. I still find the silence deafening and absence glaring. I miss you so much. I just wished that it was the good old days once again. I yearn for the days when we hung out and had dinner. I enjoyed your company thoroughly. I wonder when the day will come when I can just see you as a friend. I don't know right now. My mind is still in a whirl and I feel that everything around is surreal. I wish you were here again. I miss you.

What a week

It has been a tough week. I miss you so much. I had a dream last night. I dreamt that we were hanging out. It felt so real. I remembered being very happy. When I woke up, I wished I didn't wake up. The reality feels so surreal whilst the dream felt so real. It has been a long time since I felt that happy. The trigger of not meeting up with you that day is hitting me so badly.

I just want to see you again, to fill the emptiness that I feel inside.

Coming back ever so strongly

The emotions are still flooding me once again. I miss you so much. I feel like meeting up with you. I feel like seeing you tomorrow and searching for you and to just talk to you. A part of me feels like asking you to take me back. I wish you feel something for me.

Tired

I am tired, of everything. Of still missing you. I didn't even see you yesterday. Yet it hurts so bad. The desire to see you is so strong. I just want to see you. i miss you so so much. I feel really empty right now.

The Past

As I sit reminiscing the past,
Still finding it tough to let go,
The intensity of the pain is as though it was only yesterday.

What will it take before I look forward
And stop focusing on the past
When will that time be?

I feel the pain no matter what,
All the actions taken thus far still point to the same result,
Pain, sadness, emptiness and missing you.

What will it take before I get better?
When will I get better?

I miss you.

Letters

I wonder what was your reaction when I'd smsed to say that I'll just pass it to the staff to pass to you. I wonder if you were looking forward to meeting up with me today. A part of me wished that you were looking forward to seeing me. However I have this feeling that it does not make a difference to you. I wonder if your hands were shaking when you saw the ziplock and had seen that there was a hand-written note for you. I wonder what went through your mind as you were opening up the note. I wished I could have mentioned that I missed you and wanted to see you again. My pride prevented me from saying all that and to just be as cold as I could be. I wished I could have somehow run into you today. I know it is for the better that I don't run see you. I still miss you.

I miss you.

Walking away from it all

I just want to walk away from it all ... from everything. There are so many freaking problems, one after another. It is highly highly highly frustrating.. One freaking problem after another.

I give up. I GIVE UP !!!!!

ARGH !!!!!

Still painful

I wish the pain has ended. I still miss having you around. The emotions are hitting me strongly once again. I remember the days when we'd gone jogging. I miss that. I remember the days when we had dinner and hung out till late. I miss that. I wonder how you are. I had imagined this scene in my head when I dropped off your letters whereby I ran into your brother and he told me that you are no longer the same without me and that you need me. Alas, I know it's wishful thinking. I know you are getting along perfectly fine without me. My absence makes no difference to you. It still hurts that your absence is painful for me.

Satisfaction

It felt good when a close friend/boss commented that I had done a great job with the presentation that day. I need to be able to accept compliments graciously and also realize that there is room for further improvement. Nonetheless, it felt nice to hear those compliments such as it was unexpected that I will deliver such a presentation, to have displayed such level of maturity, to have that thought process, i had kept at the back of my mind what the audience needed to know, i had done a better job and that she felt that she had learnt more from me than the actual presenter.

It was such a wonderful feeling. That feeling of a job well done (even though I don't always handle presentations as part of work) is good. Am glad that the feeling of satisfaction from work is coming back to me.

I had ended off on a high note that day.

1 year ago

It was exactly one year ago when the torrent of emotions poured out. Swinging from anger to pain and from love to hate. Those were definitely tough times. It has lessened greatly now. I believe that I deserve better than the past. It was so not worth it. When I was looking forward to run into you last week and when nothing happened, I was really upset. It affected me greatly. It hit me strongly that the swinging of emotions is so unnecessary. I finally understood what it meant to feel better and that there was no need to go through that low periods and the pain of missing you. I need to get my life in order without you in it. I am almost there.

I am thankful for the support of my friends, especially 2 wonderful friends. Without their encouraging words, it would have been tough for me to get this far. I am glad.

There have been many other things happening and I need to focus on that.

Nonetheless, I hope you are doing fine.

It feels like it was only yesterday

It still hurts so badly. I feel like screaming my head off. ARGH!!!!! I wonder if the meeting at TTSH triggered this off. I didn't even run into you at all. Why does it still hurt so badly? Why? Why? Why? ARGH !!!!!!

How much longer will it take

It still hurts so much. When will it be before I no longer feel the pain. Yes, it hurts less often but when it comes, it hurts just as bad still. I know it is still not time yet but it has definitely been a painful journey. I need to cut it off completely.

It still hurts

It still hurts. You are still at the back of my mind. I wonder what you are doing now. I wish I could meet up with you already to find out how you are doing. Even though it still hurts, no tears fall. It hurts less now.

I miss you. I miss you so much. I want to see you already.

I wish you'd just talk to me already

I wish you'd just talk to me and just break the silence. I know it's at my end and you're just awaiting my signal. I just wish you'd call me to find out how I'm doing. I wish I could know how this silence is affecting you. I miss you so so much. I wonder how you are doing. I miss you so much my dear.
It tears me apart to see you online and yet I cant't talk to you at all. I just want to talk to you already. I've had enough. Enough. Pls end this pain already. I miss those days when we hung out.

10 days to last year

It will be 10 days to last year when the torrent of emotions came pouring in. I can still remember the pain and the heart ache that I had felt. It was as though it was yesterday. I can't believe that I am no longer going through that emotional cycle now. Yes, I still feel the pain but less. A good friend once said at the end of this all, I will be better even though I may not be happier. I find it odd that I will be better but not happy but these two do not necessarily come together. At the back of my mind, I still wonder how you are and how you are getting along. I can't believe that you have spent more time at where you are now than previously.

I would be lying if I said I don't miss you. I still do. I don't know whether to hope to run into you this friday. I have painted this picture whereby should I start talking to you, I will just break down in front of you. However I don't think that will happen as I have too much pride.