Ending it

I want to end the friendship
As it never existed
It has always been more than just friends.

I see that you have been busy
I wonder why I am still stuck
As that is not the answer to my problem

I need to make more new friends
To change everything

A whole lot of change is going to happen from here on.

You are my past.

I still miss you

I still miss you tonnes.

Even though it is getting better, when I am off work and am not doing anything, my mind wonders and I wish you were somehow here again. I still cannot get over the fact that time has moved on and so have you.

It is truly painful still to see that you are not next to me. I am yearning to give you a call to hear your caring voice once again. I want to tell you all the many many things that are happening.

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I still wonder

You're still at the back of my mind
I wonder how you are
I wonder how you are getting along.

I hope you're doing well
I hope you're doing great at work
I hope no challenge will be too big for you to overcome.

If only I could see you again
If only I could hear your voice again
If only I could get a glimpse of you.

I miss you.

I still do.

It is getting a little better nowadays for me. But it is still not easy.

There are so many other changes that will be happening very soon. I wonder what the future holds

Busy

I "see" that you have been busy making tonnes of new friends. Sometimes I wonder if I mean anything at all to you. I feel like calling off the friendship or just let it die a natural death. I don't need you and you have never needed me. Auf Wiedersehn!

Better in time

Adapted from Leona Lewis - Better in time

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too, oh yeah
(It'll all get better in time)
Even though I really loved you
I'm gonna smile 'cause I deserve to
(It'll all get better in time)

How could I turn on the TV
Without something there to remind me?
Was it all that easy
To just put aside your feelings?

If I'm dreaming, don't wanna let, hurt my feelings
But that's the path, I believe in
And I know that, time will heal it
You didn't notice, you mean everything
All I know is, I'ma be okay

Since there's no more you and me
It's time I let you go so I can be free
And live my life how it should be
No matter how hard it is, I'll be fine without you
Yes, I will

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too, yeah
(It'll all get better in time)
And even though I really loved you
I'm gonna smile 'cause I deserve to

You'll always be special to me

I wish you were with me today. I would have thoroughly enjoyed my time. I have always had fun and have enjoyed myself each time I spend my time with you. The weather has been nice today. If only you could be on leave, we could have gone cycling at east coast and then take a walk and then have lunch/dinner. It was a really quite lazy afternoon.
When I reminisce about the past, it feels like it was only yesterday. There were such happy wonderful memories. I wish you were with me. I miss you so so much. With work being less than great, I want to meet up with you. I feel like a double whammy is thrown at me. It is so painful and so tough to get up right now. I just want to wallow in my misery. I know I cannot allow for that to happen. Not at work at least. There are still so many things to do and I want to see them through.
At times, I feel that since work is not going so good, let me meet up with you already. I have enough misery. Let me just meet up with you to alleviate the pain and suffering. I just want to meet up with you. I just want to hear your caring voice at the end of the line. I have missed your caring ways and your closeness with me. Where did all that go? I wish time stopped on that wonderful days after the JP Morgan Run. I wish that continued. I really don't care what others would think. However I don't think you will be happy that way.
I just want you to be happy. It hurts that I am not the one who can provide you with happiness.
I miss you. I just want to meet up with you.
Please help me end the pain already. I need you so badly. Please let me just run into you such that I can just get a glimpse. I miss you.

Wondering

I wonder if you miss me in the slightest bit. It is truly painful that I am going through such a painful phase and you are not in the slightest bit affected. Not that I am wishing pain for you butI wish you miss me slightly. I see that you are using the things that I have bought for you. I wonder if you wonder when is it that I will call you to tell you that I am now fine. When I see that you met up with your friends, my immediate thoughts were why are you not meeting up with me. Then I remembered that I needed time out from you.

Work is in shambles right now. I see my dream going up in smoke. When I took the time-out from you, at least I had work to rely on. Now I don't even have that. I don't know what I need to do already. I am at a total loss. I am so tempted to call you, to hear your caring voice at the other end. I miss you so much.

Dreams go up in smoke

What does one do when one's dreams go up in smoke?
What does one do when there is nothing left?
What does one do when important things are cut off from one's life?

What does one do?

Am tired

I am tired

... from chasing the dream
... from making things happen
... from the past

Am letting go.

Of everything

Shocking turn of events

What a shocking turn of events. It has been pretty demoralising, to see my dream go up in smoke. I am just so tired and want to be away from everything.

Personal life is in shambles. Work life is not great. What else is there?

Wishing you were somehow here again

-Adapted from Phantom of the Opera
This sums up how I feel right now

You were once my one companion
You were all that mattered
You were once a friend
Then my world was shattered

Wishing you were somehow here again
Wishing you were somehow near
Sometimes it seemed if I just dreamed
Somehow you would be here

Wishing I could hear your voice again
Wishing you were somehow here again

I still miss you

I am just itching to give you a call, to hear your caring voice on the other line. I still miss you. I am assuming that things have not changed. However I may be wrong. The silence from your end is screaming at me. I wish you'd give me a call. I know that you will let me call the shots and I will call you once I am ready. I wish I am ready now. I know that that is not the case. The day I am ready is when I do not look forward to meeting up with you and to just see you as a friend. I have no idea when that day will happen. It is just driving me crazy.

20th July 2008

I had imagined this day to be different. I had imagined the three of us having dinner, having good time and being amazed by the magic show. Alas, due to my own doing, you could not join us. Sometimes I wonder if I had made the right decision. Maybe it would have been better to hold back and then tell you after the show. It has been awhile since the three of us hung out together. I truly wished you were there with us. I still remember those days like it was only yesterday.

I still miss you my dear.

The Past

I wonder if you'll ever shed any tears should we ever drift apart. I have this feeling that it will not matter to you at all and that you'll just move on easily. I wish I mean a lot to you, as much as you mean to me. Tonight is the show and I wish you will be there with us. It will be nice for the three of us to hang out, have dinner and enjoy ourselves. It has been awhile.

Stupidity

Why am I still shedding tears?
Why am I still holding onto the past so strongly?

Enough. I will no longer bother.

I miss you

I miss you
I still shed a tear once in a while
Even though it's different now
You're still here somehow

I need to let you go, not that I have ever had you in the first place. I need to let go of the past. Time has moved on, so many things have changed, yet I am still stuck in the past. I feel like going away for awhile, to just be alone. To be away from everything.

I wonder if you had done advance with your friend. I have this feeling you did. A part of me is angry when I think of that. A part of me tells me that I should have expected this. You will do what you want.

I want to do what I want. However what I want is in contradiction with what I should do.

Still odd

When I saw your good friend just now, I was a little surprised. I thought I had seen someone that looked like her but I just caught a glimpse so I was not too sure. When I saw your friend at the lobby, it still took me awhile to recognize your friend. When I saw your friend and you were not next to this friend, I was glad. A part of me froze in my tracks but a part of me also told me to keep moving. I am really glad that you were not there. Had you been there, I would have been so upset. When I heard from someone that your friend's ear drum had ruptured whilst diving, I wonder if you had gone diving with her. I know you were supposed to take leave sometime these couple of weeks but I am not sure. I am surprised that she had ruptured her ear drum as if she'd gone with our instructor, she'd have been taught well. My next immediate thought is whether you had gone with her. Sigh. I am sure you had shared special moments with her. A part of me is finding it tough to move on but a part of me also tells me to keep moving and I am moving. I am in such a contradictory state right now.

Unwell

I "see" that you are unwell. A part of me just wanted to "rush out" and call you to ask if you were ok and what I can do to make you feel better. Hope that you have medications and that you take proper meals and hydrate yourself well such that you have a speedy recovery. I am sure you are capable of taking care of yourself. Nonetheless, I feel like buying you food and drinks to make sure you're ok. I know that you don't need me to take care of you. I am not sure if you are on leave during this time. Maybe you're back home and well taken care of. I miss you.

Take care and recover fast.

Conflict

A part of me is torn that I want to see you. A part of me finds some semblance of inner peace. I just have to keep working on it such that I no longer have this desire to keep waanting to meet up with you. I need my life to move on without you in it. It is painful as I have spent much time with you. I have lived most of my life on my own happily to a certain extent. I completely lost my head when I was with you. I truly remember the highs with you. I can't even remember the lows. I miss you. I miss you.

1 week to the show

It will be one week to the show. I wish you were watching with us. Sometimes I feel that it would have been better if I had not declared the time-out officially or at least postpone till after the show. However I know that I would have gone crazy if I had just kept quiet and pretended things are normal. I wonder how you have been. A selfish part of me wishes that you wanted to give me a call or that you missed me slightly. I am sure that if you asked I would have met up with you. Nonetheless, I am glad that you have kept to your word that when I am ready, I will contact you. I hope that I will have resolved my issues by the end of this year. Worse case, I'll just pass you your documents and walk away. Sigh.

Weekends are tough

I miss you so much. It hits me really badly on weekends. I still remember the times that we'd spent together on weekends. It was so enjoyable. With you, I only remember the good times. I don't recall the unpleasantness so vividly. With you out of my life has been a tough decision I had to make. I still wonder what is the difference between being miserable then and being miserable now. At least I was happier previously. I know I need to do this to get better. The wound on my leg has yet to heal completely. If this takes so long, what more the heart. I don't even know if I will have sorted this out by end of the year. It is still so very painful. I had cried last night. I have been suppressing my feelings for this week. Being busy at work has helped but weekends are tough.

I miss you.

Still not easy

It's been 2 week since the official time out. I still miss you. I feel like calling you to hear your voice again, to hear you. It still pains me that you are not around. When I look around me and I see that things have changed, I really need to move on, to get used that you are no longer next to me.

Even though, I am not spiralling downwards and am moving, I still miss you.

I miss you.

Focusing on the big picture

Time and again, I am reminded to focus on the big picture. A few things at work have happened. Of course I still have yet to truly heal. Each time an obstacle comes along the way, I feel like giving up. When I internalise that I should look at the big picture, it helps a great deal.

After getting the talking to and realising a few things along the way, I want to focus on these things
- to be a good preceptor
- to ensure that the preparation for the new hospital is well taken care off
- to ensure that when the doors for the new hospital open, what I can do in my capacity has ensured as much as possible the vision that has been shared
- to ensure my sis does well
- to ensure my bro gets a job he wants
- to ensure my family is doing good
- to run 20km at the standard chartered marathon end of year

I have had enough

When I returned you the money for the show yesterday, I was not prepared for the 2 shocks, to see your friend next to you and to realise that I could not get you on the hp because she was on the line with your hp.

After I had parked my car and walked in to look for you, I had called you to ask you where you were. When you didn't pick up the call, I had thought you were busy dispensing. As I was walking along the corridor, I saw 2 figures walking in my direction. I truly did not recognise that it was you until very much nearer. Of course I knew who was besides you. Who else can it be? When I saw that she was on the hp, I did not think much of it. I was trembling when I was returning you the money. Perhaps it was just me but I thought I felt that it was quite odd to pretend that things are ok. I guess you were trying to make things as normal as possible. I was counting the money and making sure that it was correct. I was trying very hard to be nonchalant. Imagine my shock when your friend passed the hp back to you. No wonder I could not get you. She was on your hp. My immediate thoughts were why was she using your hp? Was it something that you couldnt handle? When you had then asked if I had miss-called you, I said yeah. When you said that you guys were going for lunch, I said ok. After saying our goodbyes, I had then walked off in a purposeful manner towarads OP as I wanted to see the self-reg kiosk there. I am glad that I did not break down at all. I am truly glad to be in my logical manner.

Nonetheless, I am glad that I have given you back your money. It was at the back of my mind incessantly.

It was nice seeing you again. You looked good in pink.

A part of me wished that you will miss me or that you will break down at being treated in such a casual manner.

Facing reality

I am glad I had talked to a good friend about going crazy. I had gotten a scolding but I am glad. It has helped to put things into perspective and has helped me focus on what I need to do for myself.

It was painful and harsh but that is the only way to wake me up.

Slowly but surely I will get there.

Still too early

When I called you to say that I need to return you some of your stuff, hearing that you were busy was tough for me. When you mentioned that you were going out tonight, it hit me like a tonne of bricks. My immediate thoughts were who were you going out with? Why were you going out so late? After those immediate thoughts, I immediately brushed them off and focused on when I could just get over passing to you the remaining things.

I still miss those days when we hung out a lot. Alas that is the past that will never ever happen anymore.

I miss you.