Recently

It was nice to be able to talk you once again. I cant be angry at you. It felt good to be able to give you a lift that day. It was so unexpected.

Why do I still care about you? The feelings are creeping up once again. I wish we could spend more time together.

It was amusing when you saw me that day in the evening and you felt relieved. I still remember what you said "Shak, you waiting for me ah?" I almost wanted to jokingly say "I've been waiting for you all my life." However I felt that it would create unnecessary emotional tensions. When you'd also said "And that's why you like me right?" I wanted to reply.

I do wish we could spend more time together.

I miss you.

Lost

Once again, I feel lost.

I don't know why I am doing this. I feel very disengaged from everyone. I have closed my world to everyone.

What is my role in the organisation?
What makes me happy?
What drives me?
What do I want?

I can't feel anything. Yet I am going through many emotions at the same time.

Confusion has set in. Many things going round. Where is my focus? What is my focus?

I don't know anymore.

I really feel like leaving the organisation. Or perhaps, I just need a long break.

I really don't feel like doing anything anymore.

Decisions

Have made a few decisions on how to move forward ....

Where am I heading?
What makes me happy?

1) I need to let go of things that I cant control. I cant control how 09 will react. 09 has chosen that that will be the path and that due to the emotional stress of the past, it can never go back to the past. I need to distance myself from 09 to protect myself. If not, it will be too painful.

2) I want to do more IT healthcare related things, not just pertaining to my current scope of work. I will give myself at most 1 more year. If I am unable to do more IT healthcare related things, I will leave the organisation. I want to be able to handle like what JLTJ is handling. What I am doing now, is it heading in that direction?

3) I will not be a preceptor next year. I am so tired ... so very tired. I don't have anymore to give.

4) I will go for the PM workshop.

5) I will prepare for GMAT such that I can apply for MBA or Master's program. I need to find out what Master's program will do me good.

6) I will let go of 06 and stop wondering why. 06 has never been a friend and it will not be possible for us to be friends.

7) I have given my best to 010. It takes 2 hands to clap. I am very tired in having to manage 010. It has been very challenging indeed.

Lyrics to Fireworks by Katy Perry

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting throught the wind
Wanting to start again

Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards
One blow from caving in

Do you ever feel already buried deep
Six feet under scream
But no one seems to hear a thing

Do you know that tehre's still a chance for you
Cause there's a spark in you

You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July

Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what your worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gunna leave 'em fallin' down-own-own

You don't have to feel like a waste of space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow

Maybe you're reason why all the doors are closed
So you can open one that leads you to the perfect road
Katy Perry Firework lyrics found on http://www.directlyrics.com/katy-perry-firework-lyrics.html

Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow
And when it's time, you'll know

You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July

Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what your worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework
Come on slet your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gunna leave 'em fallin' down-own-own

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It's always been inside of you, you, you
And now it's time to let it through

Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what your worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework
Come on slet your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gunna leave 'em goin "Oh, oh, oh!"

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon

Over it

I keep playing this song "Over it". I played this song as I was getting over you. Am I playing this song to get over her? Perhaps with this, I will feel better. Or perhaps it will push me in the right direction.

I have been doing a lot of thinking of late. I know that I need to do something soon.

Right now

I feel terrible nowadays. I have been making mistakes with the roster. I have yet to be able to say no tactfully. I am tired of dealing with people and with their emotions.

I feel that I can no longer think clearly. I feel that I have lost all objectivity. I don't know what to give up. I don't know what to focus on.

I was just reflecting on my potential proteges/juniors
- My first is doing in another org
- My second didnt want to do it anymore
- My third, one of my close hopes, decided to do in another org
- My first p is doing sthg similar in another org
- My "assistant" left to do sthg else
- My current, who is very highly IT savvy, wants to do sthg else
- My second p is still here cos of the influence of another senior

I feel so hopeless. I truly feel like crap.

Perhaps it is time for me to move on. To another org. It will feel too weird to be joining another dept in e same org.

What next?

I am at a loss .... I don't know see what I should further develop myself in. I don't know if I am staying on just to provide support.

I need to plan for myself what I need to do. What will make me happy? What drives me? I am so sick and tired of talking about the same projects only to see it push back further. I feel bad if I were to leave though as the organisation had sponsored my trip. I feel like joining other teams to develop SCM further. I don't know.

I know that I don't really care much about medication. I don't. I need to clear my head and sort out my thoughts.

What do I want?

What makes me happy?

What drives me?

Post

It was painful to have read that post.

Don't I mean anything at all to you as well? It's not like we have been talking much. Yet you miss this other person. Yes, I know that we are on different wavelengths nowadays. I feel so inadequate in talking to you at times. There have been numerous times that I feel really small.

I know that you don't look up to me at all. You look up tonnes to this other person. This is an instance for which I feel that I have failed once again. I don't think I have ever influenced you in any way at all. The reason you are still here is because of this other person. I feel like crap.

I feel terrible each time I hear your laughter. With me, I always get demands from you and you feel upset when your demands can't be met. I feel like crap when I can't do anything to make your requests happen. Yes, there are times when they are possible. There are also times when it just can't happen. The latest incident was when you had chosen to give it up. Then you wanted it back and I'd felt that you were upset with me when it couldn't happen. I mean "What the .... !" I didn't ask you to give it up in the first place.

I don't want to manage you anymore.

I want to distance myself far far far far away from you. Sometimes I just wish that I am no longer around. Maybe I should just quit.

NUMB

I no longer feel anything anymore. I am numb. Empty inside. The heart is no longer here.

I truly wish that the tears will just fall already. When I'd heard you discussing a case just now with one of them, I felt a tinge of sadness. Yes, I wouldnt have been able to discuss it with you. I feel so useless.

I don't know how much more of this I can take. To see a potential protege choose another institution. To see another potential protege wanting to give it up. To see the current choosing something else. I am at my wits' end. Am I that bad?

I really really really need a break. I am so exhausted. From having to ensure that there are sufficient ppl on the floor. From having to think through and justify my decision. I am really tired. I don't want to bother about anything anymore. I really dont give a freaking damn.

Also I am not a chauffeur. I know that you don't treat me in that manner. It just still hurts that you won't share with me the difficulties that you are going through. It is painful you know. Really painful.

I wish I could walk away from it all. It looks as though I care. I don't know. I really don't give a damn anymore. I no longer care. I no longer care.

Same questions

I am still upset that she shared it with her i/c. Are we not friends? Why is it that you find it difficult to share with me the news? I can keep it to myself if u want me to. Anyway, I am not the kind who spreads information around.

I feel really upset.

Anyway, I have now reached a stage whereby I am very close to being completely numb. I don't want to feel anymore. I don't want to care anymore. I don't want to get close to anyone anymore.

The past is happening again

When I'd called her that night to let her know, my feelings were stirred again. When I'd asked her how she was and if she was ok, I realised that it's how I'd spoken to you as well. When another colleague came back that day and I saw how she'd immediately gone to her, I was really upset. Sometimes I wonder if I am ever effective. I was once close to her.

What had happened?
Had I changed that much?
Was I blind to her thoughts and feelings?

I wish I could get away from it all. I wish I could just cry and get over it. It is painful to feel this way. I have numb my feelings for too long already. I don't know why numbing my feelings was the answer at that time. They are coming up now. I need to avoid her which should not be too difficult.

Losing focus

I feel that my focus is no longer there. I don't know what to focus on. My mind tends to drift nowadays .... wishing I was anywhere except where I am. I don't know.

I don't know if this is what I should be doing. A part of me wants to take up the challenge. A part of me cannot be bothered anymore. I need to decide. I cant be living in limbo land. It will not benefit anyone.

Perhaps I am in this state now as I feel that I have nothing to look forward to. Have I been drifting all my life? Is this really my calling? Maybe I should look harder to fill the void in my life. I am looking in the wrong places.

I really need to sort out my thoughts and decide.

What does it mean

What does it mean

... to love someone?
... to be passionate about what one does?

VL

I am on leave today.

It was supposed to have been a day of rest and reflection. Where I could switch off the mind for just one day. After all it is just one day. Surely I can have that? To just switch off for awhile. I hate to be thinking about work. Whether there are enough people on the floor. Or something.

I should not have replied to that SMS. That SMS had spoilt my day. Completely spoilt it. COMPLETELY !!!! Am so so so pissed. It was not like I was sitting on it. I have been chasing and chasing. Furthermore, the person i/c had a lot of things to handle. Sometimes, I feel like crap .... To expect to produce miracles. To expect to always solve problems. Decide on something already!!! I absolutely hate it ! ABSOLUTELY hate it !

I don't feel like going back to work tomorrow. I wish I was on long leave. Or long MC. Or long hospitalisation leave. I really dont freaking care anymore! Screw everything !

I hate chasing for things! I hate being chased for things! I wish I could disappear & never return. Perhaps death is a better option. On reflection, having said all these, is it that bad to have wished for death? After all, I can just resign and look for other things. I don't know if my heart is still here. I have wondered "What do I want? What next after this?" I cannot see myself beyond March in this organisation. I don't know what I want to do. I am so sick and tired of everything.

Having to deal with manpower is so so so so so painful . A part of me just wants to tender already. Really ... why should I care anymore? Screw everything !! My main reason for staying on is to see implementation of certain IT stuff. At the rate, things are going, I don't know if it is going to happen anymore. I am tired of waiting. I don't know if this is what I want.

I had also decided to check my email. Bad move ! I saw this email for which I have no idea what else to do. I am so sick and tired of everything. I have tried all that I can and still nothing works. I am on the verge of tears. Everyone is on MC or leave or something. I want to be on LONG MC too .... It will be so much better than having to deal with this crap.

I dont know what should my focus be.

Dreams

Of late, my recent dreams had her in them. There were times when in my dreams, we're together together. I wonder what this means. I hope that my feelings don't come up again. Perhaps it's a sign that I need to just have a good cry.

Sigh

Past & Present

I remembered asking this question ... How did someone so close become so distant?

This same question is being asked with her. I do wish that I could just have a good cry with her such that I can get over it and move on. i find the distance so fake. I also feel that she has changed so much. I see many traits now that I didn't see in the past. Was I that blind in the past?

I am tired of having to handle her at times ... Really really tired.

Sometimes I feel like shouting out .... I dont give a freaking damn anymore.

Heart stopped

When she asked "Shak, do you want to drive into JB?" My heart stopped for a moment. I was brought back to the past when I'd gone into JB with you. I don't know why I think that I could have with her what I had with you. I know that it will never ever happen. The feelings are still there. Sigh.

With her in closer proximity than you, I need to be more careful so as not to get emotions in the way. A close friend once commented that I was emotionally free. I thought I was.

However I think that there are still some slight feelings there, maybe 1% or something.

When I'd called you yesterday, it was really nice talking to you again, even though it was for non-personal reasons. Sometimes I do wonder if you ever had to get over me, at least the slightest bit. Maybe not at all.

I still miss you. I miss her too.

Sigh ... Am so screwed up ...

Questions

Questions that I would like to ask her

1) Why do you rarely talk to me nowadays?
2) What had made it emotionally stressful for you in the past?
3) Have you ever looked up to me? Based on what I remember, I don't remember you mentioning that you want to be like me in one way or another

We have drifted so so so far apart that it feels weird. It feels fake.

I need to turn my heart off to you, to stop caring about you.

Thoughts

There are some many thoughts running through my head right now.

1) I still miss you.
2) I do miss her occassionally. Sometimes I don't know whether it is good or bad. I cant believe that I don't enjoy talking to her, for fear of upsetting her or something. So nowadays, we don't talk much. We have become strangers over night. It feels weird. I don't agree as to who she looks up to also. They're not the right role models. I wish I could ask her why it had been emotionally stressful for her. I have so many questions for her. I feel really sad and upset that things have turned out this way. She was one of the better ones. Sigh ... I do wish that the tears would just fall. Maybe I can then move on ...

The Future

I really hope that I had made the right decision. I hope she does the right thing. I am in fear of the outcomes. I really really hope that she does the right thing.

Even if I'd answered No to the question, there wouldn't have been any difference at all.

Sigh ...

Motivate

I don't know why I can't seem to motivate myself. Each day I am tired and I just zzz. I have a few things to clear, yet I can't bring myself to do them. I don't know why. I am excited about my project, yet I am so tired by it. I am in a state whereby I cannot care less any more.

I need to find out more about the project ... but I feel damn sian

Sigh ....

Future

The future is so uncertain. I don't know if I have what it takes to stay on to support. I don't know what I want to do and what I want, how I want to further myself. It will be so so different, I foresee that it will be like a huge part of me is missing. It will be highly similar when u left.

I know that I need to give it my best shot, to prove to myself that I have what it takes to survive on my own, rather than relying on others. It will be an opportunity for me as I won't do anything about it if I don't have to. I know that moving forward, I will be forced to change.

I really need to sort out my thoughts on what I really want to do for myself.

Adoration

It's upsetting and disappointing to see whom she looks up to. They're not good role models to begin with. I really don't know what led to this. I just feel so irritated !

I really cannot stand her any longer. Good luck to her !!

Evaluation

I was really touched by what I heard during the evaluation just now. I am glad to hear that I have grown a lot. The area that I had the most difficulty with is the area that I had grown the most.

It has been said to me many times that for me, my obstacle to success is myself. Nobody else.

I know that I have what it takes to deliver, yet I don't ... Perhaps I think I will look silly. I dont know.

I need to recall and retain what had been said to me, esp the 2nd half of the evaluation.

I was very very touched.

Dawn of a new era

I dont look forward to the dawn of a new era.

At the evaluation earlier on, I am still surprised by how my dearest friend can be so so spot-on with me. I was surprised by her last statement. I have never spoken to her about it, yet she could sense it. Everything that she had said was so so true.

I don't know if I have what it takes to carry on "alone". It will be very very different. I do feel that a huge part of me is gone once she disappears. I know that she is still around but it will no longer be the same.

I know that there is no way for me to be where I am today without such guidance, patience and mentoring.

I understand why it must be done.

I just need to see and reflect on my own, what is next for me.

Hands off

Today marks the day when I wash my hands off completely.

I owe her nothing and she owes me nothing. I am so sick and tired of having to justify to her till the cows come home. Our points of view are so so so so different and I am tired of having to explain to her. I am really upset that given that I had the chance to guide her for 9 months and it lead to this.

I really wonder what poison has been fed into her! I really do.

No more caring and bothering anymore ! Enough with the caring !

Disciple

It would be nice to have a disciple. To have someone who can continue doing what I do, to have someone whom I can have a great impact on and to mentor this person.

To have heard what I heard just now, I felt terrible. She was with her for at most 1 month and ppl see her traits in her already. I was with her for 9 months and I'd spent so so much time with her, and not even a single trace of any similarity. In fact, both of us differ in our thinking so greatly that it has not been easy for me to manage her.

I am not asking for a lot. However given my pathetic level of influence, I do wonder why I continue doing this.

I look at my past and all have left. I know that certain things are beyond my control but to have outcomes turn out that way is pretty painful.

Sometimes I feel like I have hit rock bottom as I have no clear sense of direction and the future. A part of me feels like taking a long long break. I don't know anymore.

History repeating itself

She is so much like my past ... So so very similar. I am very concerned that she is close to this other person. I don't know what rubbish this person has been telling her.

Somehow I feel like I've lost her. I know she looks up to someone tremendously. When I see her interacting with the rest, I feel left out. It's as though we didn't have a connection. We used to share a lot in the past. Nowadays, it's so different.

I need to be mindful that history does not repeat with the current. For it does, I am screwed.

The Real World

It was an awakening to have experienced it personally, to have one person tell me one thing and to have this same person tell someone else another thing. I will no longer trust this person anymore.

The Future

There are talks of a new system. A discussion is on-going. I should be excited. However I really cannot care less. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't think I can contribute anymore.

I cannot imagine having to go through it all over again. Really.

Does this mean that my time is up? Time to look for something else? Or time to take a breather?

Indifference

Sometimes, I don't know if I should just stop talking all together. I am so sick and tired of caring, of saying things. I never learn my lesson. I seem to enjoy pain.

I am at a loss as to what to do.

Was I that badly affected by what she'd said yesterday? Was I prepared to let things go? I don't know.

However I do know the following:
1) Stop caring
2) Stop talking
3) Stop caring

Nothing matters anymore. Nothing ...

It's final

I wasn't looking forward to the meeting. I have been putting it off for so long. I was hoping that things will change. However I know that if things change, it will not be the good for anyone. She has waited long enough for this.

Nonetheless, it is happening. What I'd feared is happening. I allowed it to hit me. When I was asked to ask to get someone down, I really didn't handle it well cos I knew what was coming up. At the end of the meeting, I knew that I was on the verge of tears and that I had to get out. If not, I will break down there and then. And I couldn't allow for it to happen.

I knew that I had to take a spin to clear my head and allow for the tears to just fall. I am glad that I had a good cry. I don't know how to handle it. I don't know how to manage it.

I feel like I will be a losing a good friend. I feel like a part of me is gone.

Things will change and on a personal front, it wont be for the better.

I feel that a part of me is gone.

What do I want

What do I want? Really? I don't know why but each time I feel pain. Perhaps it's a case of scrambling last minute. Perhaps it's also a case of not being firm. I don't know. I don't know what are my roles & responsibilities. If I have to do every damn thing, then what's the purpose of their support? If everything the user needs to do, then what is their role?

Am feeling so pissed off ... Am really sick and tired of everything.

Screw the whole damn world ... Really screw everything

Meeting

I wonder when I will see the traitor officially. A part of me can hardly wait to see her - to see if she's drowning. I hope she drowns ... really badly. When I read the email, I feel pain. It really feels like crap. Really.

I don't know whether to feel proud as I feel that perhaps I'd inspired her to take on this path. However, why did she not want to stay with us? She can shine too. I will be more than happy for her to shine ever so brightly. She can take my place. I can then do other things. I don't know why she wants to do it alone, with minimal guidance. Really ... GOOD luck to her.

I can hardly wait to see suffer ... suffer really badly ....

Persistence

Persistence ... A word that I dislike very much. It is something truly difficult for me. The minute something challenging comes up, the first thing that comes to mind is to walk or run away from it. I had asked for signs if this is something I should continue with. The talk on Wednesday morning pointed me in the direction that diamonds are created after being under much pressure. Another colleague shared with me her past working experiences and her reasons for leaving her other jobs. Her reasons made sense.

I was reflecting upon my reasons to leave. They no longer made sense. I want to make a difference. I want to be at the fore-front of ground-breaking technology. However, when the opportunity presented itself, the first thing that came to mind is that it will be too tough. It will be impossible. And there is no way I could continue working like this as expectations were too high and ridiculous. When I thought about it deeper, companies like Apple came out with radical gadgets that's taking the world by storm. I am sure it was not an easy path either.

I know my dear friend was trying to cheer me up that day. Yet I shut her out. She kept persisting a few days later to make sure that I was all right. I am truly thankful for that.

I had received good news that PML was accepted for oral presentation at ACCP ! How cool is that ! When my dear friend SMSed me, I was really touched. I need to reflect on my life more often. I have come a long way. I am also relieved that PML was accepted. I was so so afraid that I'd screwed up this project really badly. I need to be more confident. I am not that bad.

I have a great and wonderful boss. The senior management is also thinking of the right track. Their ideas and vision make sense. I know it will not be easy but greatness don't come easily.

Last but not least, I have many superb friends who have stood by me through thick and thin. I know I have their support.

Decision

I have been breaking down at the end of each work day. This has been happening for the past few days. There have been times whereby I will break down by mid-day even. I wonder if it is a sign that it is time to move on to something else. It need not be this hard. I am sure that there are easier options out there. Must life be this difficult?

The tipping point came from a recent decision regarding some implementation. I was absolutely furious when I'd heard it. There was a potential major change and the time-line didnt shift. I am sick and tired of working like this. I have enough on my hands. I really don't need anything more. I don't. I am still concerned that there may have been some earlier decisions made that were not thought through carefully.

I never ever thought it will be this difficult. This time round, it is 10x worse. A lot worse. I am so so tired of everything. When I think of what is required and what is expected, I don't think I can deliver anymore. I don't think I want to work for such an organisation and in such a culture. I don't have what it takes anymore.

I seek clarity to determine if this is what I should continue doing. Maybe I should not wait till 1 year later. I will give myself till 28th June. I will decide then. However I am not sure if it will be too late. Maybe I should speak to someone first. Maybe I should see it through for one more year. A part of me really cannot take it anymore. If I tender now, it will be before 28th June and I don't wan to leave the team in a lurch. On the other hand, I feel that I cannot cope any longer. I really cannot. The only way to make it better would be to just quit. If I ignore certain things, they will come back to haunt me later on.

How do I determine if this is what I want to do?

Right now, I no longer feel joy. Right now, nothing matters anymore. Nothing. It feels as though it is an accumulation of issues.

The desire to be dead has never felt stronger. I truly feel depressed.

I feel very strongly that I don't want to do this anymore. I don't.

I don't know if it's roster issues that had led to this. I really don't know how to cope.

I think I shall
1) Ride out this week and determine if I need to talk to her. If yes, I will find a time to talk to her next week.
2) If I don't need to talk to her, I will think things through and decide on 28th June.

Please give me strength and show me the right way.

Expectations

It has been a rough start to the week. I did not meet certain expectations and I felt like crap. I always feel that I am not doing enough and push myself harder. In the midst of it all, I broke down. It made me realize that it has been really tough. I no longer find joy. I know the source of the pain. I have actually typed out the letter. I don't know if I have what it takes to see it through. A part of me tells me to hang on and ride it out. Then think about it. Then decide. Another part of me tells me to just submit the letter in August. I don't know. Seeing how things are going, I don't know if I have what it takes anymore to keep on going. I am really really tired.

Pasta Brava

Had dinner with a dear friend at Pasta Brava. Initially we'd wanted to go to another Italian place as there was a special promotion. However the place was having a function and was not open. Her brother had then suggested Pasta Brava. From the outside, the restaurant didnt look too great. Upon looking at the menu, I'd changed my mind. Everything sounded YUMMY ! :)

When we'd stepped in, it had a great ambience. Really nice and cosy. The price was reasonable. The food was YUMMY and was of sizeable portions ! I had the crayfish pasta in parchment paper ... really yummy !! The sauce tasted really good and so was the pasta !

It was a WONDERFUL dinner with GREAT company ! :)

Hope

I hope that you are fine and that the challenges that you have faced will make you a stronger person. I know that you are stronger than this. I know that you have what it takes to handle the setbacks. I hope that you are enjoying your holidays. I need to know what had happened.

I wonder what happened

I wonder what happened.

She had looked out of sorts this week. I know that I need to leave her alone such that she grows. At the same time, I feel that I want to make sure she's okay. I know that her start to pre-reg had been a tough one. It looks like it is the same for her journey as a pharmacist. I know that the challenges will make her a stronger person. I just wonder what had happened.

As I left for home on Friday, she was at the corner. The conversation looked serious. I wonder what happened. I had called her and she sounded really off. I hope you are fine. I hope that you are enjoying your holiday and the company of your close friends.

I don't think she will share with me what had happened. I don't know if I should let go.

Feelings

The same old feelings are creeping up again. Sigh ...

I do look forward to drive home with the wonderful company. I've enjoyed my drive home whenever she's around. She never fails to crack me up. Today, she was not going east. I felt rather out of sorts. I need to get out of the pattern.

Sometimes I feel weird as she is now under the charge of someone else. I no longer sense the closeness. I know that I need to let go.

I do feel upset.

Things happen for a reason

I know it takes awhile before believing that things happen for a reason. For a GOOD reason ... The recents events have made me strongly believe in this a whole lot more.

I was greatly upset when I'd heard that you'd joined another institution to do IT. I was really really upset. When I think about it further, I knew that there was no way that I could work with you as the feelings were still there, even though not much. It would interfere with work.

When I wondered why is it that the current one didn't want to do IT, I knew that she is not interested, especially in pushing things further.

When I wondered why the other one left, I do think now that it is not meant to be. She doesn't mean a damn thing that she says. All rubbish and All lip service !! What a betrayal !

From how I see things are going, things are looking up. I trust that COO will see that she is right for us and for the role. I hope an offer is made on the spot and she says yes. I am happy that a senior is joining us. I am also afraid as I am her junior. It feels weird to be delegating tasks to a senior. On a flip side, it means more things can be achieved. The pie is big enough for the 2 of us. More things can be achieved for the patients now ... A whole lot more !!!!

There will also be a junior who will be coming in soon who is interested in this. I would like to groom and mentor him. Hopefully he's the protege that I have been waiting for ...

Stabbed in the back

The recent incident feels extremely awful. I feel anger, pain, hurt and betrayal. Really ! TOO MUCH !!! It does not pay to be kind. I feel that this has hardened me, to NEVER EVER trust anyone anymore. Well not anyone but to be very careful and what I think may be very far from the truth.

I will not acknowledge her presence.

All the best to her ... REALLY ... She has messed with the wrong person.

Pain

What do I do when I know the source of the pain? When do I remove the source? When do I keep trying at it?

I feel like giving up. A stronger voice inside me tells me not to quit. I have been at it for only a short while. A really short while. Plus the hospital is moving. So it's a lot tougher. Yes, there are unpleasant aspects. There are also wonderful aspects as I get to know my colleagues better. I am improving as I go along. I need to give myself more time to adapt to it. Give it a bit more time. Focus on the good parts, rather than the part. Have the mindset of abundance. It can be done.

It can be done.

Shocked +++

I was very shocked to hear the news. I absolutely couldnt believe. The first thing that came to me was anger. Extreme anger! This was a stark contrast to someone else. This someone else did sthg about it. On reflection, I should have thought about how to handle it to make things better, rather than to allow emotions to overcome me.

That has been happening to me of late. To allow anger to overcome me to such great extent.

I hope and trust that she will make the right decision that she will be happy with.

Great dinner

I had a great dinner last night with 001. It was fun talking to her and just chatting. At the end of it, we were just discussing some stuff and I guessed my fatigue showed. Our opinions differed and I felt really stupid for saying out aloud my opinions. I felt small and stupid and I dont have what it takes to be successful. I can very easily understand the need to be switched off and to be lazy. I sometimes wish that my brain would stop thinking as there are just so many things to do. She on the other hand, cannot imagine what it's like to switch off. I have a feeling that it would be the same for my junior and for that I feel inferior, that I am not good enough.

Somehow the mood got lighter towards the end. I think she was just amused at some of the stuff it had led to. The night ended on a good note! :)

I wish we could have more of such dinners. Somehow I just feel that it's nicer

Freaking tired

I am so tired. I don't want to do this anymore. I am sick and tired of everything. I really don't want to do anything anymore. So pls stop asking me for anything. I don't know. I freaking don't know. I am tired of thinking through everything in totality. I am really really tired. The irony is that if I were to take leave or a short break, work is piling up for me to clear. As that is the case, I'd rather not take a break.

I don't know if it's because she will be leaving. I feel like a complete failure. The lives of people whom I could touch on are all leaving. I feel really upset and I feel like crap.

The other thing that is bothering me is that after she has gotten her license, all that she ever comes to me for is to take leave. I feel like ... huh, what happened? Perhaps I am being too sensitive. Maybe she is busy with the transition and many many things happening in her life. However, it's like a complete change. It is times like this that I want to disappear and like whatever.

Distance

I feel the distance growing longer and longer. Perhaps I am being too sensitive. Perhaps I am asking for too much and asking for more than expected.

I remembered the days when we were close and we'd shared a great deal. Nowadays, even the physical distance is far apart. Even when we stand or walk, it's far apart. Perhaps she feels emotionally awkward. Sometimes I feel sad. It feels like a rejection. I don't intend for her to replace you at all, not in that manner. This is driving me nuts.

I feel like I have yet to let go of the past. I am reminded of so many things of the past. I like what I saw on someone's status, ie Forgiveness does not mean forgetting the past but extending the future. I need to remember that I will never forget the past. However I need to let go of it.

As for the current, I don't know. I feel at a loss. I just want to just let go. I need to ask for advice.

Touching

I was very touched by what 001 had said that time. No words can describe how I feel.

I am very very fortunate to have such friends and I just felt a warm fuzzy feeling that day.

Once more

I can sense the whole cycle happening once more. It's now with a different person.

I think I'm falling for the current. I feel upset. I feel angry. I don't know. I feel like the closeness we once had is disappearing very fast. All the feelings that I had for you is happening once more, with the current. I feel stupid with the current. Sometimes I feel like I'm not good enough. Somehow I do sense the distancing. I don't know. Sometimes I just feel like disappearing, to just drop it like that. I do fear the consequences with that, for fear of history repeating itself. I feel that I let go too fast too quickly with the previous and that's why it had led to the current state.

Maybe I just need a break from everything, to have some peace and quiet.

I am very tired, very tired. I don't know what I can do to serve everyone. There's only one of me and so many of them. Sometimes, I feel like I am on the verge of a breakdown. Sometimes, I just put on a strong front.

I hope things change for the better. I hope she says yes and joins our team.

I must also remind myself not to repeat mistakes from the past and ensure that she shines as bright as possible. I want to see her go far.

Concerned

I am highly concerned as to how she is getting along. I think it has been a tough and rough start.

I can also feel her distancing herself a lot from me. I feel sad that the closeness will disappear just like that. Perhaps the closeness was meant to be a fleeting one.

Disagreements

Of late, I've had a couple of disagreements with her. I don't know what had led to this. I feel that we are both so emotionally involved that it's scary. From what I understand or perceive, she feels that I don't know her well enough and that she knows me better than I know her. I am at a loss. I've had this same feeling with you. I see so many similarities between you and her that I am afraid and concerned, both professionally and personally. Hopefully the "distance" will do me good and set the objectivity back in. I am definitely more objective with her than with you. However I am afraid that I am seeing through things with coloured lenses.

The first disagreement, she was really really upset by what I'd said. It went along the line whereby "You still don't know me? You should know that I wouldn't do that." I had asked directly if she was upset and I could tell she was emotionally affected.

The second disagreement was a whole lot worse. What a huge misunderstanding ! I gave her a piece of my mind over the phone and the next day. She felt that I didn't understand her. She felt that I should have known what exactly she'd meant. It definitely threw both of us off. She knew what exactly I'd meant and my perspective. She felt that I didn't see her perspective. I don't know. When she'd said "It shows how much I know you. It shows how much we know each other." I was stunned when I heard this. At this point, I could sense her tone softening. My heart ached when I heard that. It was very similar with you.

There were many points of exasperation during the second disagreement. Nowadays she refuses to explain more or share more. I don't know. Sometimes it feels so different. Perhaps she wants to distance herself away from me. I had asked for clarifications and she refused to explain further.

I have gotten too close too fast with her. I don't know what this is leading up to.

Please give me the strength to do the right thing at the right time.

Time

Time has zoomed by so quickly. I didn't even realise that I've yet to have a post since March and March is almost ending now. I've been so busy with the set-up of the new place. A part of me is looking forward to it. Another part is tired and just wants to take a break. I don't know.

I had also seen you at a mutual friend's wedding. I knew that you were going to be there. I'm glad all the questions that I have about you are answered.
1) Are you seeing someone? Yes. And there is even a engagement or wedding ring I heard. I recognized the guy based on the photos that I've seen so far.
2) What are you doing at your new place? I had my suspicion when I saw that your newly added whom is also my friend. I thought that it may be through church work. However when I'd met up with another friend and mentioned that she'd seen you having lunch with this other person, my suspicion got even stronger. My suspicions were confirmed at the mutual friend's wedding. When I heard it, it was a complete slap in my face. Really. When I'd thought about the conversations that we'd had recently and there was not even any slightest hint that you were exploring other possibilities. Now that I know what you're doing in this new place, all the more I am hurt. For you to not have shared the slightest bit at all, I feel really stupid. And I used to think that I'd meant something or at least a little bit to you. I can understand a little better if you are doing something else. However to know the reality, it hurts. It really hurts. I am really tired. I am so glad that I did not even acknowledge your presence as I didn't know how to face you. It felt weird. I don't think it's because of the guy next to you. It was something else. Yes, I am angry and I see through you. Someone mentioned that you didn't look too happy. I don't really care as it is not my problem anymore. Really ... when I think of the past, I feel damn used.

It has ended. I feel that I am going to lose her as I will no longer work closely with her. She will move on to another section. I can feel that things are changing and will change. Maybe she wants to keep a distance from me. I don't know. I am upset with quite a few things related to her recently. I don't know. I know that she will be difficult to handle and I don't look forward to it sometimes. To always be fighting so strongly. I have to justify like crazy. I don't know. I need to be more formal. Otherwise, it will not work. It feels strange.

What will I say

I dont know what to say tomorrow. I don't feel like saying anything at all. However if I were to do that, I wouldn't have done my part. I may not want to say things out of fear that another argument will take place. I feel damn sian.

A part of me wants to go back. Another part of me does not want to go back.

Please give me the strength to say all that I need to say.

Hurt, Pain, Anger

Yes, I was hurt by what happened that day. Why did I feel hurt? It was not even directed at me. It feels even more stupid to feel hurt. Then pain came. Then anger.

Why all these emotions?

Ego hurt? Pride wounded? Cos to have been hurt by a junior? Could I have controlled the situation better? Perhaps another I felt that way was because I couldn't control the situation. I felt that my suggestions were rubbish and not worthwhile. I felt small. Perhaps her actions are a reflections of me cos I have had the feedback that I am curt at times. I need to have more heart. Perhaps I feel like a failure. With the recent events that have happened, my confidence is shaken. When things and remarks were made yesterday, I felt an affirmation that I am a faillure. What if the project is a failure? A huge joke? Funds were given for this. I feel like I cannot afford to fail as I am accountable for every single $. Perhaps I had also not communicated effectively.

I am just so glad to be so busy with work as I have meetings and things to tend to, one after another. By throwing myself at work, I hope to work through this.

I am still angry and don't wish to make peace. I feel hurt. I feel stupid that I feel hurt.

I don't know how to face her tomorrow.

Leave

Wanna leave? The door is just there. I don't feel like talking anymore. Am sick and tired of this. I wonder why I do this anymore.

Please give me the strength to accept the outcome.

Tired

Am freaking tired .... Yesterday's outburst was uncalled for. She was really lucky that there was one more person present. Had that not been the case, a fighting match would have ensued that would have led to either of us walking out of the room. Was so so angry till I was on the verge of tears. Am holding back so much now. Am not going to say much from now on. Am freaking tired. I don't deserve that kind of treatment at all. Had it been with any of the rest of the seniors, it would have never happened that way. I had allowed for it to get to such a stage. Too much leeway had been given from the start. I need to start to put my foot down, from now on.

I just want to give a lashing. Too much emotions at stake. I'm the senior, I need to be more wise. I need to hold my tongue a bit more. I wish the tears would come already. Then I can move on.

Wouldnt know what to say

I dont know what to say.

"Hi. How have you been?" And then what? It feels so fake. I feel like meeting up but I don't see the purpose anymore as the possible new developments were not shared. So I really don't know what to say.

Maybe I should just SMS to indicate that the past is long gone. However I've already done that. It feels strange on my part. However I'm sure that it does not matter at all on yours.

The past

I'd driven by TTSH today. Had wanted to get the rice thingy tog with the bubble tea. However both shops were close. As I was driving around that area, I am reminded of the past. I felt wistful. I have been thinking of you a lot of late. The good thing is that I know that I've gotten over the current.

Challenging week

It has been a challenging and dramatic week. It feels like a nightmare. Unfortunately it's the reality. I wonder what will happen as the day gets nearer.

I am forever wondering how you are doing. There are some parts of your blog that I wish you were making a reference to me. It would be wishful thinking on my part definitely. I want to catch up with you. Each time, I feel like messaging you, I am reminded of the past. Even when I'd caught up with you recently, you didn't shed any light of the possible new developments. As that is the case, then what is the point in catching up with you. About one year ago, you had surprised me with a wonderful bouquet of roses. I wonder if the same will happen this year. I know that when I start wondering, I start expecting. Then I get disappointed as it will not happen.

I don't know if I have fallen for the current. If I have, I am very screwed.

Really sick

I feel really sick ...

1) I find it hard to believe
2) I find it hard to accept. Was I too foolish to have hoped against hope? There is no such thing as hope.

After all these, I feel like I should no longer care. No longer bother. Caring hurts. I feel the pain.

I wish I was numb.

What are your thoughts

I wonder what are your thoughts ... I wish I could meet up with you to ask you how you are doing .. I know if I were to do so, I'd be setting myself up for another failure ...

I remembered asking someone else this "What will I do without you?" ... The reply was "I will learn to let go and move on." How apt. Have I been able to do so? It is so much better nowadays definitely .... Nonetheless, my mind wanders to the past

Shocking news

When I heard it from the horse's mouth as I was within audible range, my jaw just dropped ... I felt as I though it was a nightmare. However it was reality ... I still can't believe. When I heard it, I just went numb. If I were to feel, I'd be tearing. What went wrong? What can be done better?

I wonder who's the instigator .. If I ever find out who this person is, I'll chop off this person's head. I'm so so so pissed off .... Am so angry !!!

I thought things were fine ... I thought she was strong ... She seemed to be doing fine ... That was a huge blow to me ... I feel like I've failed a second time ...

The news were just too much to take ... It was a tough Friday .... Sometimes I wonder why do I even bother ...

It hurts ...

News

When I heard the news, I shouldnt be surprised ... However it does have some effect on me ... Sigh ... I feel that I've failed

Pondering

I still wonder how you are. If you are ok. If you are doing fine. I am just too nice. I should stop caring.

I wonder if you will be there on Saturday. Sometimes I don't think you are that bad. However I have been proven wrong time and again. The number of times for which I had been wrong is far greater than when I have been right.

I hope you are doing well.

Results pending

I wonder what will the results be. I was stunned that things didn't go well. I wonder what happened. I wonder what she was thinking. I really have no idea what will happen.

I will leave this in God's hands. If it's meant to be, pls show the light to the necessary people. If it is not meant to be, pls show me the way to overcome it. I don't think I will be as badly affected as I had been several years ago. Nonetheless, I will still be affected. Should I have said more things to put a stronger case? Should I not have said anything prior to it?

Another resemblance is that both had been emotional. I don't think it is a coincidence. There must have been something I'd said or done that had led to this. I need to work on this. I don't know ...

I hope that the results will be out soon. It is painful to wait in anticipation.

I feel that many things will be revealed this coming week.

Dinner with a dear friend

It's been awhile since I last had dinner with a dear friend. Am glad I'd stayed back and didn't say anything to rush out. Am glad that we'd remained friends after the major mistake that I'd made several years ago.

Dinner was really nice. :)

Lessons

The lesson for me when my path and your path crossed is that I am capable of caring for someone ... to have cared so deeply and to have fallen.

My next lesson is the present when I learn that I am capable of getting over you, to see you for who you truly are and that I am capable of caring for others.

I wonder what my next lesson will be ...

Yes!

He is joining our team ! I am so excited !! I hope he stays on and that he's the protege that I've been waiting for !! I am super duper excited !

I still can't believe it !

Yay ! Happiness !!

:)

Interviewing

It was fun being part of the interview panel who will determine who will be part of the fresh blood to train. It was an eye-opener and I'd enjoyed it from beginning to end. I'd thoroughly enjoyed it ! :)

I'm glad that there were a few whom I'd persisted and felt that they should be interviewed. The first one was a hit ! Of course that there was also one whom I was looking forward to. I'm glad that he didn't disappoint. Everything he said seemed to click with me so so much. It's like I've finally found my protege ... to have found someone who shares my interest ... When he'd said that he just likes gadgets and there was just something about it . When he shared even more about IT and pharmacy together, I could sense the passion. It's like ... finally !!! I hope he decides to join us. He will be good for our team. He will be good for my team. I remembered seeing the photo and there was just something about him that kinda "screamed out" at me. If it's to everyone's benefits that he joins, pls show him the way that he joins us. If not, so be it then. Things happen for a reason. There are no accidents.

I feel like I've found the one ....

I've never felt this way

I've never felt this way before ... Not in a good way. More in a bad way.

I feel like crap. I feel like the most stupid and least assertive person on earth. I trust too much. Then there are times I jump to conclusion too fast. I don't know what to do anymore. Everything that I do seems to be wrong. There are just so many things to do. It is worse when it impacts others, when I ask them to help out, either by asking them to come back from leave or to help out. It feels that every one is covering everywhere. I really feel damn urgh !!

I don't want to do this anymore. It is so so painful. I feel that this is worse than what I'd gone thru with you. I am so sick and tired of everything that I just want to be numb and to not care anymore. It is so much easier to be a robot.

I don't know which one to do first. Everything is like so urgent & important now. I don't know what to let go of. I feel like I'm already screwed and 2 major projects are screwed.

As we were having the discussion during lunch, I felt even worse. The image that kept playing in my mind was to just throw in the letter and really just throw the damn letter.

I am just thinking that since it is already screwed up, it does not even matter if I meet up with you. Life is already bad, so it does not matter anymore. Nothing matters anymore ...

Brand new year

The new year has just begun.

My brother will be coming back in 1 week's time. So exciting! I can't believe that I look forward to him coming back. When my mum had mentioned that if his career does not work out well for him here, he may join his ex-boss in Jeddah. I know that he's mentioned it before but I didn't know that it will not be in SG. I was stunned when I heard it. As I was driving to work last Saturday, I teared at the thought of my brother working out of SG. However if that is the best for him, then it is meant to be. I guess.

The high school musical has been playing a fair bit over the hols. When I heard the phrase "the one who inspires my heart", I was on the verge of tears. I don't know why I'm feeling emotional. Is it hormones? Or have things gotten worse on a personal front? I've not been hanging out with her, so it can't be that. However I do wish that I'd received an SMS from her. The similarities are frighteningly similar. I remembered SMSing ".... What will I do without you?" The reply was "You will learn to let go and learn to live without me." I should apply that to you. And now I need to apply it to her also. If I don't let go, the outcome will not be good.

There are so many things that I wish I knew the outcome ... At least for 2 things before the end of the month.

The pre-reg interview will be next Saturday ! My first interview for which I'm on the other side ... So exciting ! I wonder who will be the new blood who will join us as pre-regs.