Decision

I have been breaking down at the end of each work day. This has been happening for the past few days. There have been times whereby I will break down by mid-day even. I wonder if it is a sign that it is time to move on to something else. It need not be this hard. I am sure that there are easier options out there. Must life be this difficult?

The tipping point came from a recent decision regarding some implementation. I was absolutely furious when I'd heard it. There was a potential major change and the time-line didnt shift. I am sick and tired of working like this. I have enough on my hands. I really don't need anything more. I don't. I am still concerned that there may have been some earlier decisions made that were not thought through carefully.

I never ever thought it will be this difficult. This time round, it is 10x worse. A lot worse. I am so so tired of everything. When I think of what is required and what is expected, I don't think I can deliver anymore. I don't think I want to work for such an organisation and in such a culture. I don't have what it takes anymore.

I seek clarity to determine if this is what I should continue doing. Maybe I should not wait till 1 year later. I will give myself till 28th June. I will decide then. However I am not sure if it will be too late. Maybe I should speak to someone first. Maybe I should see it through for one more year. A part of me really cannot take it anymore. If I tender now, it will be before 28th June and I don't wan to leave the team in a lurch. On the other hand, I feel that I cannot cope any longer. I really cannot. The only way to make it better would be to just quit. If I ignore certain things, they will come back to haunt me later on.

How do I determine if this is what I want to do?

Right now, I no longer feel joy. Right now, nothing matters anymore. Nothing. It feels as though it is an accumulation of issues.

The desire to be dead has never felt stronger. I truly feel depressed.

I feel very strongly that I don't want to do this anymore. I don't.

I don't know if it's roster issues that had led to this. I really don't know how to cope.

I think I shall
1) Ride out this week and determine if I need to talk to her. If yes, I will find a time to talk to her next week.
2) If I don't need to talk to her, I will think things through and decide on 28th June.

Please give me strength and show me the right way.