Still comparing

I can’t believe I am still comparing this year with last year, this same date. I need to stop comparing with the past. I need to let go of the past. Was it this good? Is it worth my while to pursue this further? The same thoughts keep coming into my mind.

When will the broken record finally break and never to be replayed again?

I need to just stop and move on. I need to give myself some more time as the heart has not had sufficient quiet time.

1 step closer

Maybe I am one step closer in reaching my destination of letting go of the past. You had a parcel delivered to my place yesterday. A part of me wanted to sms you to ask you if you needed it soon. A larger part of me cannot be bothered to pass it to you. When the time comes, I will pass it to you at my convenience. My worry about your anxiety about not receiving your parcel ended quickly. I hope this means that I am getting better. If you cannot be bothered about your parcel, why should I.

I am glad other things have kept me busy. Hopefully my recovery process will speed up.

Remember

I just need to keep on remembering this stinging and cold phrase "Chill it ... Take care"

I have dropped out of the "I will be nice to you" club. This is the treatment that I get now that I am no longer in the club. I no longer serve your prerogative.

i deserve better.

2008 is coming to an end

In a matter of a few days, 2008 will end. It has not been an easy year for me. It has been full of ups and downs. I saw my dream and hard work go up in smoke in a short period of time. It was not within my control as it was decided by higher powers. In order to preserve my sanity, I had to cut off contact completely with the past as well. I was doing it in phases thinking I could manage. Those close to me said to me that it may not be possible. I wanted to prove them wrong. In the end, I suffered for not listening. I have just started on my journey of complete cut-off. I do get withdrawal symptoms once in a while. Of late, each time I turn around, when I see anyone who resembles you in the slightest bit, my heart races. Somehow the tenderness still feels raw within me.

I am grateful for the many blessings this year. Such wonderful treasures that I have. I know who are my true friends who will stand by me in tough times. My family has been wonderful and I am closer to my siblings now. My health is good. My job is secure. In such gloomy times, each of these blessings make life better.

I have one thing left. To let go of the past. That will make everything complete.

Pleasantly surprised

What a pleasant surprise. Was having lunch/tea with my favourite BCPS RPH cum dear friend. Had great fun as always! :)

Was surprised when she decided to take the bill and paid for it.

Really grateful for having friends like her! :)

Some more reminders

I need to remember this ... For me to move on, I need to remember that the person whom I had spent so much of my time, energy and emotions on ... .. I just kept on giving to the friendship/relationship ...

This was said to me "Chill it ... Take care"

Christmas Reminder

When a Christmas song came on the radio just now, I was suddenly reminded of Christmas eve last year. It was fun, going into JB with you. It was fun spending Christmas with you. I remembered being very happy. Somehow life had a purpose then. I almost broke down in tears. It was like suddenly I missed having you around.

I wouldn't say that life has no purpose now but it feels like something is missing.

I keep remembering only being very happy with you. I need to remind myself of the times when I was upset, sad and angry. Even though there were good times, there were bad times too.

In totality, it is still negative, for what it's worth. I need to remind myself that.

Having fun

Am having so much fun "doing" and guiding those two on the project. They are just so hilarious and great fun! Their emails are so funny that I can't help but smile and laugh out loud sometimes. I am so thankful to have those two. They have been such a pleasure to "have".

I was reflecting on what 001 had said. I will only be passionate when I am having fun. I am passionate about this because I am having fun with them. The truth is, I am. I am having tonnes of fun with this. It is a great pleasure to be working with them. Am loving every minute of it. This project is something I look forward to and it perks me up.

I always say that I want to have fun. I just want to have fun. When 001 said it that I am passionate only when I am having fun, I just realised how true that is. I am going continue to find fun in many other ways as that is how I will live my life, having fun! Of course there will be fun with responsibilities too.

What 001 had said was so insightful!

Moving forward

Had time stood still at 2 years ago, I would have not had the opportunity to meet the fantastic bunch this year. Am thankful that they work well together and the synergy that is created is tremendous. They're so much fun too. The ones whom I am closer too are definitely less complicated. Based on what I have seen, 020 has less layers and is just so funny. I was also thrown a comparison between 020 and you. What a vast difference. Anyway each have their own strengths and uniqueness that I admire, including you. Anyway, time moves on and so will I.

Maybe it's hormonal. I feel some peace within me.

Complete cut-off

I was surprised when you'd contacted me via MSN. What a vast difference these couple of years has been. We'd used to chat for long on MSN previously. Just now was an exchange of few words.

I don't know whether to be happy or not to have been informed of what you told me. I know it is what I need but I don't know. With the change in address, it marks the complete disconnection. I no longer have anything to pass to you. It hurts. I must be so numb right now.

Reality will sink in tomorrow and the flood gates will open once more.

Why does it take so long to mend this broken heart?

If I can't let go of the past, I can't focus on the present

How true is that ... If I can't let go of the past, I can't focus on the present. I keep reminiscing the past. I need to remember the emotional turmoil that I had gone through. Yes, there were highs but there were also low periods.

Christmas

It will be christmas soon. The only thing that keeps coming to my mind is the christmas party 2 years ago when we'd left early to go cycling at night and how I'd spent christmas with you last year. When will my life stop revolving around you? Was I in so deep that I have difficulty in letting go? Do I love you that much that I cannot let go? When I had passed your letter to your good friend yesterday and when you'd smsed me to convey your thanks, I thought I was okay. I felt happy that I didn't meet you. I felt that I was all right yesterday. Then in the afternoon, I felt angry. I have been deceiving myself. I still so badly want to meet up with you.

I wish I can forget it all just like that completely. I wish I could just cry my eyes out, forget it all, sleep it off and the next day, is a brand new day whereby the past is past and long forgotten.

Anger

ARGH !!! I wish I had met you. I feel that this is still a front that I am putting on. I am still upset and angry. The heart is still broken. I wish you wanted me. I wish you'd tell me to stop in having the space and that you just want to see me again.

I miss you!!!! I MISS you so much !!!!

Dreaming

I had a dream last night. It revolved around you and how I was going to pass you the letter, how the past was like and how I missed you. I don't know what else to do. I don't know how to let go of the past. I don't think I don't know. It's more of I am so so so afraid of letting go of the past and of you.

Sundays

Each time Sunday comes round, I will think about the times of the afternoons. Somehow I had managed to let go of that easily. Now I think about the evening. I will think about 4.30pm. And how it was a routine for me. It is not easy to continue to go at about five-ish on my own. It still hurts.

I feel like crying my eyes out but my pride is in the way.

I need to stop feeling this way. I need and want to just move on.

Standard Chartered Half Marathon 2008

I was so nervous, excited and scared all at the same time for this. I was really worried that I will take really long to complete it. I had difficulty falling asleep too. In the end, I'd only gotten a few hours of sleep. I have no idea how I'd managed to wake up and drive and go for this. It was an interesting start. Had jogged with 001. Was supposed to pace her. It had been fun jogging with 001. Before the half-way point, as my stamina had plummeted, had asked 001 to go ahead first. I couldn't psyche myself into going further. I felt that I had gone my furthest already. The reason for this lack of stamina is due to the lack of training. I should have trained more often and regularly. Oh well, too late now. At least, it's not as if my life or future depended on this.

Now I have to nurse the aching feet, knee and back.

I am glad to have been given the opportunity to jog with 001. Even though, I couldn't keep up and go to the end with 001, it had been fun every single step of the way!

What will happen tomorrow?

I wonder what will happen tomorrow. Will I be able to jog non-stop? I hope and I pray hard that I can. Please give me the strength to do it. I am excited. I am also nervous. No matter how slow I jog I will be faster than when I am walking. What will my strategy be?

One step at a time. Think of it as being 10km first. Then the next 10km. Then dash the last 1 km.

Enjoy the ride. Enjoy every single step of the way. It is not often that I get to jog with thousands and the road is being cleared for us.

Enjoy it !!! :)

What a day

Yesterday had been an interesting day. It started off really well. 001 gave me positive feedback and that really lifted my spirits. I had also enjoyed the negotiation meeting and I felt great taking charge and just driving the whole project. I need to display this every single time. A part of me feels that if I were to do that, I will just be so tired. Another part of me is now thinking how can I overcome that and to just keep on doing that each time? Does it really take more time and effort? On reflection, maybe yes. However I had enjoyed it so much that I don't feel tired. That meeting went well.

However soon after, I had received 2 subsequent calls that just caused me to crash. It was horrible.

At the end of the day, I thought let's go jogging to prepare myself. I couldn't even go for a short distance. I was on the verge of tears.

If I were to really think about the root cause of this, it is because of that letter. A part of me cannot even be bothered. A part of me still cared. Seeing the replacement also threw me off. I pretended to be normal. Beneath it all, is a heart that is still broken.

ARGH !!!

ARGH !!!! I AM SO ANGRY RIGHT NOW !!!! I JUST WANT TO EXPLODE !!!!

Cycle

I can feel the cycle starting all over again, anger and sadness. Argh !!! When will I ever let go? Why is it so difficult to let go?

Hormonal

I seriously hope it's the hormones. This morning, I had woken up with a heavy heart. I suddenly missed you. I have so much difficulty in letting go. When I had read one of the obituaries today "Without you in my life, it has no meaning and purpose." I remembered what it was like. I remembered how it was that how my life revolved around. I remembered how I wanted to take care of you and to protect you. I wouldn't even let you get wet in the rain. If only I had taken a step back then to reflect and to stay away then. I am in it so deep now that I am having much difficulty climbing out of it.

I wished I didn't feel this way. It really is silly that I am being emotional when you don't give a damn. That may be too harsh but how it has always been is that, you will do what suits you. You don't even feel a tiny bit about me. I don't even know if you treasure my friendship. And here I am, missing you.
I wonder when will I ever get better.

Swimming and jogging

I cant believe I had gone jogging after swimming. Though it was not much and I didnt complete the number of intended rounds, I was happy with the effort. I felt like going home. Yet, I had managed to do both, one after the other. I need to build up my muscles such that I can do both. It was fun jogging with 001. I felt bad that I made her shorten the route. I was really taking shallow breaths. I need to better my breathing technique. I hope I will be able to jog the half non-stop.

Painful

Had cried this morning. What a terrible start to the day. Had read a work email and I felt that it was not justified. I may be wrong as I did not think further. However I had really thought that it was fine. Sometimes I wonder if it is worth it. The harsh reality hurts.

I thought I was not affected by your updates yesterday. I may just be numbing myself. I was angry when I imagined that you are having fun. I don't want to deny you having fun. It is just really stupid of me to be in misery when you are really happy and having tonnes of fun.

When I think about what you are doing for the others and your recent treatment, I am upset. It really is stupid of me to have wasted my time, energy, effort, emotions and money. Oh well. That is the past. The past is the past.

I need to be in the present and look forward to the future. I have done all that I can. It was good to have deleted you from my msn. That helped tremendously. Now that I have deleted you from my facebook, it is complete cut-off from the cyber world. In the normal world, I have done all that I can.

I just now need to recover.

Online status

I used to check if you are online on facebook. It used to be killing me as I contemplate if I should check. Just now, as I went online on facebook, I couldnt even be bothered to see who is online. Maybe this symbolizes one step forward for me.

Friends and work

I used to think that friends and work cannot exist together. I felt that the two will conflict. I didn't want to have any close friends at work. I was fearful. Now I have a few good close friends at work. I am thankful for them and for their friendship that they have extended to me. Without their support and encouragement, I will have had a tough time.

Fun day

Ooohhh ... What a fun day it has been today! Didn't do much but it feels good :) There is no need to have accomplished so many things in one day to have to feel great. Had a lazy today. Feels nice :) Got the left side view mirror sorted out. Had lunch with sis. Went swimming despite wondering if it will rain and feeling sleepy. Don't know how I pulled that off. It was a nice swim. Even though it was a little crowded, the section that I swam at was nice and quiet and peaceful. Went walking at leisure park with sis. It was fun exploring the place. Then had ice cream at ice cream chef. Had dinner. Have been eating too much these days. Need to cut down on the eating. If not, will be difficult to jog for the 21km. It has been a fun lovely day !!! :)

Chewing on it

I was caught off guard when my dear close friend asked me if I had thought about her reply. As I was talking about work, I thought it was work related. When I realized that she was referring to you, I was surprised. I had then replied what I had thought about your reply. Things are beginning to be clearer to me. I had then asked her what made her bring up the subject. She had mentioned that there was just something about the reply that she wanted to talk to me about but she couldn't put her finger to it. After much chewing, it hit her yesterday. She had told me that she must tell me about it. I may not have gotten exactly the same thing but the essence is there.

I deserve better than what you have provided thus far. Your actions have proven to me who my real friends are. I am ashamed that I have taken them for granted. I have never treasured them enough. This ends now.

Such fun

Yesterday was 001's daughter's birthday. It was so much fun. Am thankful that I am allowed into their lives. They are such a joy to be with! :) The cake was yummy too! :P

Further reflection

“Chill it … Take care”
“You said you needed time … You needed space … You needed to be away … I gave it to you…”

A close and good friend had asked me if I had thought through your reply. I said yes.

I was surprised at your reply. I was expecting something whereby you'll support my decision and this was what I had in mind, "Okay, I'll expedite it. Do take care." I felt that your reply was selfish and that you did not care at all. Time and again, it has been proven to me that if what I did didn't fit in with you, the impression that I get is that it’s my own problem. You have done all that you can. My question then is “Have you?” I have put in so much effort, time, money and emotions in my relationship/friendship you. I am not expecting anything in return. However when I see how I am being treated by you in times of this difficulty, I am shocked and upset. I have always made excuses for you. I am going to put a stop to that and think through objectively and in a rational manner.

When I take a good look at the overall problem, I see the negative that I have chosen to ignore too often. When I weigh the pluses against the minuses, the end of it all is that it is in the negative. There have been times when I wanted you as more than a friend. Now I have even asked myself, if I even want such a friendship.

I am going to choose to come out of this a better person, not a bitter one. Initially I thought I will get over this faster if I hate you and if I paint you in negative light. I now know that that will not help at all. I am going to accept the whole package. Yes, there have been some good out of the friendship. I don’t deny that. I need to remind myself that on the overall, it does not make sense to even pursue this friendship.

I need to move on. I am going to spend more time and effort on those more deserving. I also know who will be there for me in times of need. I tend to take what I have for granted. I need to treasure these blessings more.

Getting up after falling

Had gone jogging today. Felt good, am glad I had gone. I was so irritated with myself at not having gone jogging and training for the 20km. I have no idea how I am going to pull this one off. My legs are so tired now. Towards the end of the jog, I had fallen not once but twice, one on each leg. As I approached anchorpoint, I must have been rather tired or I had gotten lazy. I must have also leaned forward too much. I had fallen. Am glad it is only a slight graze. I can feel the blue black developing though. Not long after, there must have been uneven ground and I missed my footing again and fell to my left. Am glad that I didn't sprain my ankle. I would have been super duper upset if I could not go jogging for the next couple of weeks. Am also glad that despite all these falls, I managed to get up and continued jogging as though nothing had happened. Am glad to have made it through.

Am so exhausted now. I wish I can fall asleep. However I am wide awake. Argh !!!

Love the new layout

I absolutely love the new layout of the blog. It gives me a sense of serenity. It also symbolizes a new beginning for me. From now on, I will on be pen down my thoughts on the present and future. How fun!

What I am now

A part of who I am now is because of you. Both the good parts and the bad parts. I am now leading a healthy lifestyle because of you. I am also lifeless, emotionless and in sadness because of you. I need to focus on getting better. Step by step and I will get there. I managed to overcome 20 years of never jogging more than 5 minutes. Look at where I am now. I have managed to jog 10km without stopping despite the obstacles. I am now going for a half marathon. I managed to get here in 2 years. When I first started out, I was so so slow that a person who was walking was over-taking me, even though I was jogging. My speed has improved. I am glad.

I need to embark on that same journey in letting you go.

Almost one week

Tomorrow will be one week since I've visited your blog or your facebook page. In a way, this is helping me. By not knowing what is happening in your world, I am moving on with mine. A part of me does wonder what's going on with you. I know that you are doing fine without me. I need to keep moving on .

Mount Faber

Had gone up Mount Faber that day after a sumptuous dinner. It was awesome. The view was spectacular. I don't remember the view as such the last time I was up there. The city was lit up in a beautiful manner. The weather was great, nice and cool. I had such a great time.

Awesome day

What an awesome day. It started off slow. Nonetheless, had met up with a good friend and it ended off great. Had so much fun. We went to the pool. We were chatting away. I hope that my presence will have an effect on this good friend and that this person will grow.

Book review

Am glad that I had attended the book review on Wednesday. Hearing that made me more determined in my journey to let go of you. My greatest fear is that I will lose you. The fact is that I have never had you in the first place. You were never mine. I fear that you are the only one who cared so much about me. The fact is that there are others who care much more about me than you. I have neglected them. Our friendship may have already ended when I emailed you that letter. I should just let go. I need to let go. I want to let go. I truly hope that I am now on the road to recovery.

Let go and believe

Let go and believe.

How apt. I am finding a friend's status to be so applicable to me right now. This is something I am struggling with, ie to let go and to believe. This is so hard now. I don't know how to let go and I don't know if I have what it takes to believe that I have what it takes anymore.

I feel like throwing in the towel for everything. EVERYTHING.

Day 1 of complete cut-off

Today will be Day 1 whereby I cut off completely. That means that I stop
1) hoping that something will work out for us
2) checking your blog
3) checking your facebook page.

It will get easier and better with time.

Right now, I don't know if I am numbing everything. Maybe I am. I need to stop feeling anything and caring for you.

I give up

I don't know what else to do. The only person standing in the way of me letting go of the past is me. Only I can talk myself out of this. I don't even listen to others. I don't even listen to me. I feel that I am beyond hope. What I heard yesterday was utterly painful. I feel like I am a terrible person. I wish I was dead right now. At least, I will no longer feel the pain. My death would not matter to anyone. I am really really tired. Of everything. I don't know if I have what it takes to carry on anymore.
I cannot stand myself right now. How can I be so stupid? How can I be so pathetic? It does not make any sense at all to choose an option that leads to eternal misery. Do I truly believe that I can never be happy? In letting go of the past, it includes everything. My bitterness when I was growing up. I feel like I am blaming my past for what I am today.
I can still change. It is not too late. I have changed my exercise habit. I am more healthy now. I can change the emotional aspects. I can. I have got to believe that I can. I need a louder voice to drown out the small voice that tells me that I can't. I am really really tired.

To paint a negative picture

I need to paint a negative picture of you in my head such that I hate you. Such that I hate you enough to let go of the past. To be in the present. To look forward in the future. I am really stunned and shocked still. My confidence has taken a beating. I don't know if I have what it takes anymore. I need to stop hoping and harbouring the wish. I know it will never happen. I should just stop hoping. ARGH !!!

Should not have

I should not have gone on and on. I should have just emailed u the summarized version. I should have just smsed you the question. ARGH!!! I feel so stupid. I am so tired of feeling and of caring. A part of what I am today is because of you. Both the good parts and the bad parts. I need to figure out a way on how to remove the bad parts and to keep the good parts. I am stunned to have heard such harsh remarks from 001. Have I become lifeless and emotionless? 001 had also mentioned a few more words to describe what I have become today. However I decided to not hear as it was too painful. I have numbed out everything and to hear only what I want to hear. What have I become?

Not working out

Hi,

this is not working out for me. I have tried all that I can and it is still not enough. Even after not meeting up with you and cutting off contact, your presence for a really short duration triggered me again. The vicious cycle of pain, anger and hurt. During the time I had cut off contact, I felt happy and more at peace. I felt like my old self was returning. When I saw you at FAPA, a huge wave of emotions came over me. I thought I had let go of the past as I felt like I was getting better. Unfortunately, that is not the case. I was trembling when we were conversing. It is really painful for me right now.

I just thought I should let you know that I won't be meeting up with you for a much longer period of time maybe for at least 1 more year. To be honest, I don't even know if I am ready by then. Even if I am, I will then fear being triggered the wrong way again. I do not want my efforts to go to waste. It is tiring to have to go through the vicious cycle and having put in much efforts to get out of the cycle, I do not want to go into the cycle anymore. I have gone through this cycle at least few times already.

For my sanity and happiness, I am walking away from this friendship. As such, I would like to appeal that you change the mailing address for your bank statement. I understand that it will take some time to take effect. I would appreciate it if it is changed by Feb 2009. If the bank cannot accomodate to this, do let me know.

Lastly, thank you for all that you have done. I appreciate them. It is just that in order for me to move on with my life, I need to cut you off completely. I know that you are in good hands and that you have many friends who care a great deal about you. As such, I do not think that my disappearance will affect you in any way at all.

Do take care Jen.

rgds,
Shark

Ending it email

Hi,

I feel that it does not make sense for me to send you your monthly bank statements as you will not receive it in a timely manner.

May I suggest
a) To change the mailing address
b) I will collate and mail it to you after x months, maybe 6 months or so?

If you are ok with receiving it after 6 months, it gives me the impression that it is not important to you. Can I just throw away the documents then? It is truly a waste of my money that I have to mail them to you. Another aspect is that it will trigger me off again.

Right now, all that I feel is hurt and pain.

I wish I could cry but there are no tears.

Cold

I still find that sms to be rather cold. I don't know. Maybe no sms will be right from you. I really hate you right now. I feel really stupid. I feel like emailing you a letter that I am walking out from this friendship. It hurts. It truly hurts. I know that it will hurt as it heals. What an irony. It is so so painful that my friendship with you ends. Just as how it will hit me that I have loved you, the same pain will hit me when I internalize that I am ending my friendship with you. There have been times when I feel like "This kinda friend, give me also I don't want". Maybe when I am feeling pain, I am not seeing you as a friend but as someone whom I yearn.

Decision

It is in every one’s interest (including yours and mine) that I end my friendship with you. I am upset when I meet you. I then hate you and blame you for the mess I am in. I am sure you are upset with me for not having let go of the past. Right now, on reflection, I have done all that I can such that I can be friends with you. I truly thought I had let go about 80%. However just having seen you and it was only you last Saturday, it was enough to throw me off again. I was trembling and shaking. I cannot believe that you were conversing with me as though nothing had happened. Perhaps that is your style of handling it. I was trying as much as I can to converse normally with you. However I was trembling and shaking so much throughout that few minutes with you. When I saw you with your good friend the next day, a huge wave of emotions came over me once more. It was as though I had not let go of anything. I have done my best. I truly have. It is still not enough.

The only thing left to do is to not even meet up with you at all anymore as I don’t think I will be able to handle it. It was a short encounter and it threw me off. I didn’t even see you with your good friend initially. It was just you. Even when I think I am better next time when I feel absolutely nothing, I don’t know if I will be triggered. I don’t want to risk and jeopardize my efforts as I am tired of going through this cycle time and again. Even through your sudden emergence of a short while after a long absence, my emotions are tied to you. I got angry and pissed. I realize that each time you come into the picture, my life is thrown off balance.

My life is better without you in it. I am happier. I am more at peace. I could think through rationally. I feel better at work. Right now, I just feel like a zombie and am going through the works. When I was in contact with you, I become angry, sad and pissed. All the negative emotions are triggered. It can no longer work out. I wish you yearn for my friendship as much as I desire for yours.

Sometimes I wonder if I am a weak person. What a strange twist to a robot.

Still pissed

I am still pissed that all that you said is Chill it ... Take care. It is partly your fault that I am in this mess. I am so angry with myself that I have not gotten over it completely. Many people want to see me get better. 001 was so upset with me. Argh !!!! Sometimes I still cannot get over the fact that the best thing for me right now is to lose something, rather than to have something. I have not grasped the idea I need to lose things rather than own it. Enough about you and the past. You have happily moved on whilst I am still stuck. 2008 is ending and I have not progressed much. Yes, I have moved forward but it is not much. I realize now even clearer.

Reflection

My life was once good with you in it. Or so I thought. I have now come to realize that my life is actually better WITHOUT you in it. I don't feel like crap. I don't feel angry. I don't feel sad. I am more at peace. I am happier. I know what it feels like to be happy without you in my life. I was there. I will get there once again. I need to get you out of my system. I need to forget you. I need to forget the past. The past has passed and it shall just be memories at best. My friendship with you ends now. What is best for me is for me to walk away from this friendship. To walk away from you. It is going to hurt even more now. I wonder if a small part of me is yearning what 001 said. I cannot deny that yes, a small part of me is desiring that. I just thought that that part had been getting smaller and smaller. It needs to disappear. That part needs to be removed completely. 20% is not good enough. Not even 0.05%. It has to be 0%. 0%. Absolutely NOTHING. Only then will I be on the road to recovery. Sigh. The worse thing is you don't even give a damn at all. Why am I then wasting my time and energy on this? ARGH !!!!
I know what I need to do.
1) Return your racket
2) Ensure that your letter is no longer sent to my place
3) Ensure that all your things have been returned to you.
4) Walk away from you and this friendship

Emotional dependence

Even through your absence, I am still emotionally dependent on you. I am feeling really angry right now. I am also at a loss as to what to do next. I don't know how to let go. I don't know how to drop it. I can't even cry. I have tried my best to forget you and the past but I can't. I was much better last week. Even 001 had asked if I am getting better. I had even told 001 confidently that I feel like I am getting better. I felt so sure. I was even ready to say "Game on" Who was to know that I will crumble? I know that the day I feel nothing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, that will be the day I have just stepped on the road to recovery.
ARGH !!!

Chill it ... Take care

Bloody hell. What do you mean by that "Chill it ... Take care" My pride is hurt and my ego is wounded. I never wanted you to know that I am still vulnerable. You may have guessed it but I didn't want to affirm your postulations. I am damn pissed that I couldn't have painted a better image or picture of myself. I blame you for the misery I am in right now. I hate you so so so so much right now. I feel like taking your racket and just giving it back to you NOW. Following that, I will then tell it to your face that I don't think I can ever be your friend. Even when I am ok, I fear that I may be triggered again. I don't know when I will ever go back to being your friend again. Perhaps by that time, it would be so long that we would have drifted apart and our paths will never cross again. I just feel like returning your racket to you now. Damn you !!!!! Damn you !!!!

To be numb once again

What will it take to be numb once more? To not feel anything? Which was better - to feel pain and joy or to not feel anything? At this point, I would like to vote for the latter. To feel pain and hurt is not something anyone will particularly enjoy. Right now, i just feel like screaming and screaming and screaming. I wish there were tears but no tears come. I can feel the anger building up once more.

More careful

I need to be more careful I cannot believe the stupid mistake I have made. How could I have hit send? I must have been very sleepy. But still, that should not be an excuse. This is what stupidity does to me. Why do you know me well? Why do my friends know me well? Sometimes I feel I should put on a better mask. However if I were to do that, then nobody will know the real me. I feel damn stupid next to you. All this has not affected you in the least bit and here I am struggling to keep afloat. I really don't know anymore. I don't know what you had interpreted the sms to be. I should have remedied the situation by sending out another sms to tell you that I had smsed you wrongly and that that sms was meant for someone else.

Sigh

Hilarious

I am glad for the hilarious comment to my status. That had definitely helped me overcome the crappiness that I was feeling. I am really thankful for that.

Juniors

Your juniors of recent years have been rather interesting. Somehow I played with fire with one of them. It appears that I may start another fire with your current one. I am just glad that this junior is not so free. If not, I fear that the history will repeat itself once again. I seem to get along well with this. The banter has been fun. :)

Poor execution

So much for thinking it through and planning it out. So much for the resilience. I still keep on doing what I should no have done. I had even asked for advice. Yet when the moment came, I panic and froze. I just stood there. I should have walked away. I should not have bothered to think what you would have thought when you saw me walking away. My pride stood in the way. I was also fearful of losing your friendship still. What friendship do I even have with you when I don't even see you as a friend? I was trembling when I was giving you your parcel. It is amazing how you managed to keep it normal. When I first saw a figure walking towards me, I could not make out the figure. By the time I realised it was you, it was too late. I remembered smiling initially. Then I remembered that I should not have given you the things myself. The plan was for someone else to pass to you. Why did I not stick to the plan? I only have myself to blame for this.

You look different. You look nice. You look good. I wish I could have talked to you more, as a friend. I still cannot believe that I was shaking and trembling. I tried as much as possible to be normal. I hope you couldn't sense that I was shaking. I wish my back was facing you then. You may not have recognized me from the back. I wish I was talking to my junior and my back was facing you. I wish the other junior was talking to me and all. I wish I had the courage to walk away.

I need to stop with the wishing. I need to quickly let this go and move on. I need to move on.

Later

I will be passing you your things later. I am just wondering if maybe someone can help me pass it to you. I really am not ready for the litmus test. I want to pass the litmus test. I am sick and tired of failing the litmus test and having to pick up the pieces all over again. The time for me to sit the litmus test is not now. Not yet. I have gotten so far. I do feel that I am at a few steps ahead than where I had left off.

Unless you're just sitting behind me, I'll pass you your things. If not, I'll get someone to pass to you. I apologize for that.

Argh

Argh!!!! I didn't think that you'd be going tomorrow. I thought you'd have gone for the other one. I was so sure that you would not be coming for this. Now that I know that you're gonna be there, I am getting all excited. I am looking forward to meeting up with you and my heart is racing. I can feel the excitement building up all over again. However I know what comes after the excitement. Terrible terrible low period. And I don't want to go through that again. I don't. I am so sick and tired of going through that. I am at a stage whereby I am so much better and I feel happy. I don't want to have to trudge through the unhappiness and spiraling downwards out of control.

ARRRRGGGHHHH !!!! What should I do? I really thought I was getting much better but I don't think much has changed.

Getting better

I feel like I am getting better. When I used to see you online, my heart will beat at least 10,000 beats. Now it is beating on 100 beats. I will and want to get the state whereby it beats 0 beats. Maybe deleting you from the MSN list has helped a great deal. It is almost as though I am cutting you out of my life. I remember that each time I log in, I will wonder if you are online. When I see you online, I get all excited. I will then reminisce about the wonderful past. Then I will wonder if you will talk to me. Cutting you off has been good.

Will you be there tomorrow?

I wonder if you will be there tomorrow. A part of me knows the answer. A part of me hopes that you will be there. Another part of me cannot be bothered. I just hope that this last part of me is getting bigger and bigger. Life so far has been good and peaceful. I have been happy. It could be tiredness that's drowning out the sorrow. It could be numbness that's overcoming the sadness. It could be true happiness that I am letting go more now. I no longer feel the lows and it has been awhile. Having the low period has been tough for me. It has been so long that I have forgotten what it feels like to be happy without you in it. I do not need you to be happy. I have all the important things that matter.

End of this week

It will be your birthday at the end of this week. I wonder if you are planning a big party. I know the last time you were thinking of throwing a party and you were asking me if I'd go if you held it in certain places. I am touched that you had asked me the last time. Somehow I always feel special with you.

I don't know what are your plans. I don't know if I would be disappointed and heart-broken if you didn't ask me but your good friend was there instead. I don't know if I should wish you. A part of me really is too tired to bother about this right now but there is still this small part of me that is asking all these questions and thinking about you still.

I just wish that I can completely forget you soon and fast as I am tired of living my life this way.

Somehow, I have been happy of late. I don't know why. I only hope it is because I am letting go.

GE 2008 vs 2007

GE 2007
>- was overcoming internal struggle
>- you, me and another friend were supposed to have gone for it together
>- however you were unwell and you did not go in the end
>- I had a hard time completing the 5km jog and without the support and encouragement from a wonderful friend, there was no way I could have done it. I took a long time to complete it as well

GE 2008
>- still overcoming the internal struggle but it feels less painful now
>- went on my own even though met 2 new friends at the start line :)
>- I suspect you were there also but am not sure. I don't know if it is good or bad that I didn't see you. I guess it is a good thing. I may have either crumbled there or later upon seeing you
>- completed the 10km jog on my own despite the obstacles such as few hours of sleep, laces came undone for one of the shoes, fatigue, voice in my head telling me to just quit
>- completed the 10km a little more easily than the 5km and I took less time per 5km jog as compared to last year
>- my timing has improved. Yay!!! :)

What a vast difference the one year has been. I have indeed come a long way in this. In 20 years of my life, there was no way I could have jogged non stop for more than 5 minutes. After 5 minutes, I would have just given up. However look at me now. I have done two 10km jog this year and am preparing for the big 20km at the end of the year. I have also improved in my timing and am a little faster. I am also able to do it on my own too. What a difference.

I am glad for this change and in being able to do this on my own, without you around. I don't deny that it is nice having you around. Nonetheless, I remembered being angry and scared when you were jogging with me, afraid that I am letting you down and angry that you are no longer around as much I would like you to be. I need to do this more often on my own to have the inner peace within me.

I am thankful for the improvements that I have accomplished so far :)

Drumming away

What a load of fun! Was drumming away on the rockband. :) It has been a day without any care in the world. What bliss! However I think I had enjoyed it too much. Have been eating non stop. Need to control myself on the eating part. It has been enjoyable hanging out with my sis and my cousins! What a great day !!!

Feels odd

I was transferring the D&D photos when I saw the photos that had been taken during the scuba diving trip. When I came across our shots, it felt so surreal to me. It has been ages since I had last met up with you and when I saw our photos, it brought back memories.

I have been through ups and downs in this whole journey. I wouldn't say I feel nothing at all now. I still feel something but whatever it is, it is a whole lot less. I seriously hope I am letting go more and faster now. It is good to have stayed away from you. I feel better and happier.

I know I was happy with you and the happiness then is different from the happiness now. Maybe it's the serenity now that makes the difference. The lack of the emotional roller-coaster is still something I am getting use to.

I know I have gotten much closer to a few more friends and I am grateful. The recent past events have been wonderful too.

Today

Today has been another happy happy but tiring day. Not sure what I am tired from though. Not sure why I am happy. It could be because I am so tired I don't know what I am doing or feeling. I could be in delirium. Maybe it's also because I completed the Great Eastern 10km despite the numerous obstacles. Maybe it's because I am slowly letting go. Whatever it is, I am contented with this state. I'd rather be in this state than in a state of anger and unhappiness.
Hopefully I am one step forward now.

Wonderful friend

I saw your status, my dear wonderful friend. I hope you are ok. Hope you are feeling much better and you have overcome that voice. Will text you in a short while. Don't want to wake you up just in case you are still sleeping

Dressing Up

It was great fun dressing up. Though I think I looked a little unflattering, it had been fun and I'd enjoyed myself. I am glad that of late, things have been good and I have been feeling happy rather than sad, upset and angry. I just hope it is not because of your sms. It would be terrible if your sms is the one that has led me to being happy. I don't deny that during the holidays or at night, I wish we were hanging out. I am still not there yet. Nonetheless, I am feeling good, despite the sore legs :)

D&D had been fabulous! When we went out for drinks after that, it was nice too. It was good hanging out with them. It had also been interesting to observe.

I am also glad that despite the few hours of sleep, I'd managed to get up to go for the Great Eastern 10KM run. Am also glad for the fine weather and that I had managed to jog the whole stretch despite some obstacles. It felt good to have completed it.

A part of me wished that you are still a part of my life. Yes, in a way, you are right now. Even through your absence, I have weaved you in still as I still miss you. Somehow I feel that I am slowly letting go now.

Happy Fun Day

Had a happy fun day today! :) Even though the start to the day was terrible as there was a heavy jam and was in a foul mood. After that, for some reason or other things got better. Went searching for costumes, had lunch. Had great fun as somehow all of us were high.

Then had attended a dear friend's daughter birthday party and had spent some time with them. It was magical. Am grateful for this. I am indebted to you, my dear wonderful friend :)

After that, settled a bit of work and then went on another costume search. Initially was a bit of headache but in the end, got something. It was really fun once again.

Had a great great great happy and fun today!!

What joy !!! :)

Conversation

Hi. Busy?

I see that you are feeling blue from facebook. How are you? Are you ok?

Ok. I hope you are all right.

Take care.

A part of me wished that you will ask me to meet up with you. A part of me wished that you'll say that let's try out that path. I see myself turning it down though.

I do hope you are fine.

Wondering ...

I wonder why you'd sent me that sms. I see that you are feeling blue. I hope you are all right. When I saw that I'd 6 smses this morning, I was like "Why so many?" When I saw that one was from a hp no with many numbers, I thought it was one of those smses from the bank or something. When I looked harder and I realised that it was your number, my heart skipped many beats. When I saw that it is from you, I was really happy.

I hope you are ok.

Conflict

I want to push this through. I need to push this through.

When I heard that even though personal conflicts non-personal, the effect that you have on me is not worth the risk to even try it out. I was so touched when I heard that. If such a dear friend even refuses to let that happen to me, how can I give up in this journey. I want to press on.

The road truly is not easy . There has been many bumps.

Am so tired from riding the road but I will press on. One step at a time

2 years ago

I don't want to be saying 2 years ago ...


When I saw the TCC mailer about Halloween, I suddenly remembered that we first went out to TCC Bugis because a senior wanted to meet up and talk to you to ask you how you are doing. I vaguely remember that it is also perhaps somewhere around this time that our friendship started.

I don't want to be saying 2 years ago and reminiscing the past anymore.

It is time I look forward.

Seeing you online

When I see that you are online, my immediate reaction is that of happiness. I immediately went "Ohh .. you're online! Yay! :)" Then I remember that I am distancing myself from you. Sometimes I wonder when is it that I will get over you completely. I hate going home immediately after work. I have always enjoyed spending time with you. We have gone to so many places that I now have many places to avoid.

I need to find the delete button to the past soon. To delete the wonderful memories. Yes, they were wonderful but they can only be memories at best. I have to let them go. It is painful when something good is the opposite. Such ironies.

I am yearning to go for dinner with you. It is just driving me crazy.

I know I have many things to be grateful for. At least you're still alive and kicking. I just wish the past is now. I am being so torn apart between the heart and the head. When work ends and I head home, that's when I yearn for the past. I know I can choose to completely bury myself at work but I need to find other options. ARGH!! It's just driving me crazy!!!! Argh!!!

Here I am, undergoing unnecessary turmoil and you're happily sailing about with life.

Still a long road ahead

The road ahead is still long
The extreme tiredness could not even numb the feelings that jumped out
Sadness ensues

I don't know why but I caught a glimpse and saw your good friend walk by that day
Then later on, I saw you walking next to your good friend as both of you walked by the meeting room
I don't understand how I could make out that it was you and your good friend that had walked by
Why was it that I did not miss that? Why was it that I saw both of you

Even though I did not see your face, I saw your good friend
Based on the appearance from the back and judgement, I am certain that it was you
Both of you seemed to be walking hurriedly
Why was this the case? Was it such that I will not see both of you

I don't know if it will be better if someone had called me at that point in time and that I had to go out to answer the call
It would have been interesting if I had been on the phone and both of you had walked by
I would have been terribly shaken

I didn't even have to actually see both of you but it was enough to throw me off
I was in a foul mood after that
When will that straight line ever come
Why am I still so rattled and so affected

It is truly a vast comparison
I know it is no point wishing that it will all simply go away
Once I have completely let you go, I will make that leap

I need to keep myself occupied to forget you completely

Closure

I am glad that you are still alive. Even though you are not with me, I know that you are still around and that I can call you if I want to. You may not be able to pick up the call but I know that you would have seen my call. I am also glad that you have someone who is watching over and taking care of you there. At least I will not be worried as to whether you are ok.

I still miss you. I have yet to reach the level of seeing you as a friend. One day I will. I just hope that one day, we can resume the friendship. I know that with any relationship, it takes 2 parties to put in effort. If by then, we have grown so far we are strangers, I just have to accept that.

I wish you well.

Memories

They shall just be memories at best. It is long overdue to have moved on. A few things have hit me. Had it been you, I would have realised that you were off. Yet I didnt pick up the signals for someone else. It made me realise that I need to focus on what is important. It is still not too late. I am so worried that the past will repeat itself that I have distanced myself. This is unfair. I will change.

I am so physically tired now. Tired but happy as I have persisted with other things. I am glad that I managed to pull myself out of despair.

It is time that the past ends today.

Contradictory

Why must it hurt as it heals? Why is something that was once good is now bad? I need to find the delete button to the past, to erase the happiness then that has led to pain now. Am I now numb to everything? If that is the case, why do I feel pain and anger? If I am numb, I should not feel anything. As I need to move on with this aspect of the past, will a completely new environment? Is it worthwhile to stay on for a glimmer of hope? Do I need a break or do I need to say goodbye? There are so many questions swirling through my mind. Are they all linked back to the same question? Why is it so tough for me to let go? Others let go so easily. Why is it that I cannot get you out of my head? I remember the good old days as though it was only yesterday and when I do remember them, they appear fresh and jump at me and I remember how good they truly were. It feels as though the absence is even more glaring now.

I don't know how I am going to get out of bed tomorrow. I feel like I am spiraling out of control once more and this is just as bad as last time. I need to pull myself out of this.

At times, I don't know what am I living for. I don't know the purpose of my existence. I need to focus on other things such that I am able to overcome what I don't have. I need to enjoy what I have rather than feel the pain of what I do not have.

If only I can find the delete button to the past. If only I can delete the good memories from which I am hurting from right now. Why can't it be so simple? Why can't I just over-ride the past? I know I can create the future but right now, everything seems so bleak. I am at a loss as to what to do.

I am tired.

I need to figure out my options

I dont know anymore

I dont know what I'm doing anymore. I'm just doing things for the sake of doing things. I really cannot see the big picture right now. I am so so tired. I feel like just quitting. Quitting work, quitting my quest to overcome my past with jen. I just want to call you and talk to you. Everything sucks big time right now and I have nothing to fall back on. Work sucks, personal life sucks. I really don't know what is the point any more. I am very tired. I miss you so much.

I feel like I am doing the same old things. I am not learning and doing anything new. I know I have a part to play in this. But I really feel like giving up. Most people are learning and doing new things. I am still stuck doing the same old stupid things and I am sick and tired of that. I have had enough.

I need to venture elsewhere already.

I have had enough. WITH EVERYTHING!!!

Still wondering

I wonder where you were last night. I saw that you had an activity on facebook in the morning. Does that mean you were not working? When it rains in the morning, I wonder how do you get to work? I remembered you mentioning that you didn't quite like it when it rained and you had go to to work. I wonder how you got to work yesterday. I wonder if a good friend of yours gave you a ride to work. I wonder how much longer it will take before I am completely over you. How have you been? This is still being conjured up in my mind, whereby when I call you, I'll hear your caring voice at the end of the line and I will simply melt. I still miss you and I am aching to see you again. However when I imaginet that, I see it as being awkward at my end and I will not know how to be a friend to you. I still miss you so so much.

Reconciliation

I need to reconcile the fact that I will get better but I may not be happier. I still remember the past filled with many wonderful memories. Yes there were low periods but the highs more than made up for it, I feel. I still feel that emptiness and that something is missing. A part of me wants to give you a call to just talk to you. A part of me tells me to let go and that it is not worth it. I still miss having you around. Seeing the project write-up and the forms at this stage is not helping matters. Seeing the project write-up brings me back to my happiest days which I know I will no longer have. I miss you. I miss you bringing Ruski for me. I miss you getting nice goodies from JB from me. I miss you.

MSN

I wonder if when you log onto MSN and see me online, I wonder if you want to talk to me. I wonder if you miss me the slightest bit. It is just killing me that I cannot talk to you. I still find the silence deafening and absence glaring. I miss you so much. I just wished that it was the good old days once again. I yearn for the days when we hung out and had dinner. I enjoyed your company thoroughly. I wonder when the day will come when I can just see you as a friend. I don't know right now. My mind is still in a whirl and I feel that everything around is surreal. I wish you were here again. I miss you.

What a week

It has been a tough week. I miss you so much. I had a dream last night. I dreamt that we were hanging out. It felt so real. I remembered being very happy. When I woke up, I wished I didn't wake up. The reality feels so surreal whilst the dream felt so real. It has been a long time since I felt that happy. The trigger of not meeting up with you that day is hitting me so badly.

I just want to see you again, to fill the emptiness that I feel inside.

Coming back ever so strongly

The emotions are still flooding me once again. I miss you so much. I feel like meeting up with you. I feel like seeing you tomorrow and searching for you and to just talk to you. A part of me feels like asking you to take me back. I wish you feel something for me.

Tired

I am tired, of everything. Of still missing you. I didn't even see you yesterday. Yet it hurts so bad. The desire to see you is so strong. I just want to see you. i miss you so so much. I feel really empty right now.

The Past

As I sit reminiscing the past,
Still finding it tough to let go,
The intensity of the pain is as though it was only yesterday.

What will it take before I look forward
And stop focusing on the past
When will that time be?

I feel the pain no matter what,
All the actions taken thus far still point to the same result,
Pain, sadness, emptiness and missing you.

What will it take before I get better?
When will I get better?

I miss you.

Letters

I wonder what was your reaction when I'd smsed to say that I'll just pass it to the staff to pass to you. I wonder if you were looking forward to meeting up with me today. A part of me wished that you were looking forward to seeing me. However I have this feeling that it does not make a difference to you. I wonder if your hands were shaking when you saw the ziplock and had seen that there was a hand-written note for you. I wonder what went through your mind as you were opening up the note. I wished I could have mentioned that I missed you and wanted to see you again. My pride prevented me from saying all that and to just be as cold as I could be. I wished I could have somehow run into you today. I know it is for the better that I don't run see you. I still miss you.

I miss you.

Walking away from it all

I just want to walk away from it all ... from everything. There are so many freaking problems, one after another. It is highly highly highly frustrating.. One freaking problem after another.

I give up. I GIVE UP !!!!!

ARGH !!!!!

Still painful

I wish the pain has ended. I still miss having you around. The emotions are hitting me strongly once again. I remember the days when we'd gone jogging. I miss that. I remember the days when we had dinner and hung out till late. I miss that. I wonder how you are. I had imagined this scene in my head when I dropped off your letters whereby I ran into your brother and he told me that you are no longer the same without me and that you need me. Alas, I know it's wishful thinking. I know you are getting along perfectly fine without me. My absence makes no difference to you. It still hurts that your absence is painful for me.

Satisfaction

It felt good when a close friend/boss commented that I had done a great job with the presentation that day. I need to be able to accept compliments graciously and also realize that there is room for further improvement. Nonetheless, it felt nice to hear those compliments such as it was unexpected that I will deliver such a presentation, to have displayed such level of maturity, to have that thought process, i had kept at the back of my mind what the audience needed to know, i had done a better job and that she felt that she had learnt more from me than the actual presenter.

It was such a wonderful feeling. That feeling of a job well done (even though I don't always handle presentations as part of work) is good. Am glad that the feeling of satisfaction from work is coming back to me.

I had ended off on a high note that day.

1 year ago

It was exactly one year ago when the torrent of emotions poured out. Swinging from anger to pain and from love to hate. Those were definitely tough times. It has lessened greatly now. I believe that I deserve better than the past. It was so not worth it. When I was looking forward to run into you last week and when nothing happened, I was really upset. It affected me greatly. It hit me strongly that the swinging of emotions is so unnecessary. I finally understood what it meant to feel better and that there was no need to go through that low periods and the pain of missing you. I need to get my life in order without you in it. I am almost there.

I am thankful for the support of my friends, especially 2 wonderful friends. Without their encouraging words, it would have been tough for me to get this far. I am glad.

There have been many other things happening and I need to focus on that.

Nonetheless, I hope you are doing fine.

It feels like it was only yesterday

It still hurts so badly. I feel like screaming my head off. ARGH!!!!! I wonder if the meeting at TTSH triggered this off. I didn't even run into you at all. Why does it still hurt so badly? Why? Why? Why? ARGH !!!!!!

How much longer will it take

It still hurts so much. When will it be before I no longer feel the pain. Yes, it hurts less often but when it comes, it hurts just as bad still. I know it is still not time yet but it has definitely been a painful journey. I need to cut it off completely.

It still hurts

It still hurts. You are still at the back of my mind. I wonder what you are doing now. I wish I could meet up with you already to find out how you are doing. Even though it still hurts, no tears fall. It hurts less now.

I miss you. I miss you so much. I want to see you already.

I wish you'd just talk to me already

I wish you'd just talk to me and just break the silence. I know it's at my end and you're just awaiting my signal. I just wish you'd call me to find out how I'm doing. I wish I could know how this silence is affecting you. I miss you so so much. I wonder how you are doing. I miss you so much my dear.
It tears me apart to see you online and yet I cant't talk to you at all. I just want to talk to you already. I've had enough. Enough. Pls end this pain already. I miss those days when we hung out.

10 days to last year

It will be 10 days to last year when the torrent of emotions came pouring in. I can still remember the pain and the heart ache that I had felt. It was as though it was yesterday. I can't believe that I am no longer going through that emotional cycle now. Yes, I still feel the pain but less. A good friend once said at the end of this all, I will be better even though I may not be happier. I find it odd that I will be better but not happy but these two do not necessarily come together. At the back of my mind, I still wonder how you are and how you are getting along. I can't believe that you have spent more time at where you are now than previously.

I would be lying if I said I don't miss you. I still do. I don't know whether to hope to run into you this friday. I have painted this picture whereby should I start talking to you, I will just break down in front of you. However I don't think that will happen as I have too much pride.

Happiness

I'd experienced happiness today. Of a different kind that is. It was nice to be able to put on clothes that were bought way back and they were tight then. Now I can not only easily fit into them but they're also loose. Yay!

I am also glad I can fit into the GAP pants that I'd bought from the US. I remembered that you'd smacked me when I'd said that I'd not even used them. I hope yours are still ok.

I feel like I can handle it and want to meet up with you already. I know having said that it is not time yet. Sigh.

I hope you are doing fine.

Vicious cycle

It starts of as being angry, so angry up to the point of being explosive. After anger, the yearnings begin. I wish you were here. I miss you. How many times will this record be playing over and over again. I am really tired of this cycle. I do not need this any more. I just want peace and stability within me. I need that.

It is tiring to have to go through the ups and downs again.

Fun

It was fun last night. Caught up with a few friends.

It was also good having a dear friend around. It was like the good old days.

Though there have been many changes, I know that this friendship is as solid as a rock. It has been through rough times but it stayed strong. For that, I am thankful.

You are so far away

You are so far away metaphorically.

I can't believe that I am still so upset with what has happened over the last weekend. I really need to get it out of the system. A part of me wished I didn't see what I had to see. I know I vaguely saw and it was minimal on Saturday. It was however enough to trigger a HUGE reaction from me.

What I heard on Monday was even more devastating. I was shattered when I heard that. It was enough to push me over the edge to declare you completely out of my life.

I am so tired of this cycle of being angry, and then being upset and then finding the peace. I need the harmony within me. I cannot afford to run into you again.

The Last Straw

I have had enough. How stupid can I get? When will I learn my lesson? What will it take before I realise that I am not someone special to you? It has always been one way and it has never been more than that. I have put in so much. It will not lead to anything more, so I will not pursue this any further and any longer.

I thought it was nice seeing you again on Saturday. Now I realise that it has an underlying meaning. Many things have been revealed to me as of then.

Anyway, enough is enough now. I am now more determined to get you out of my system. I really cannot care anymore about you. I no longer bother about you anymore.

Seeing you again

It was nice seeing you again.
Though I barely saw you.
It was nice having your slight presence in my life once again.

I wish I could have talked to you that day.
I wish I could look at you in the eye.

If only I could see once more.

I miss you

I miss you. I want to give you a call, to find out how you are doing. To hear your caring voice at the end of the other line. I just want to see you for awhile. Pls let me just see you.

Conversation

Hi. How have you been?

Each time I see that you are online, it drives me nuts that I cant talk to you. I just want to see you. At least for awhile. i was looking forward to the meeting but now that that is not going to happen, my chances of "running" into you are dashed. I don't know if you have been invited and are coming to the farewell party.

I want to meet up with you. I want to end the time-out already. It is driving me insane. Yet at the same time, I tell myself that it is for the better and I calm myself down in the process. I feel like screaming and shouting it out. I miss you so much. I still do. I feel like time is crawling by in this aspect.

I want to see you soon. I miss you.

Yearning ...

I am yearning to give you a call
To hear your voice at the end of the line
I still miss you so much.

It feels like it has been eons since I last saw you
I just want to see you again
It is driving me insane inside.

I want to hear you
To see you
To feel cared by you.

I miss those days when we hung out tonnes
To have breakfast and dinner
I miss exploring new places with you.

I miss going swimming with you
I miss going jogging with you
I miss you.

As such, I know that it is still not time to meet up with you yet
I am disappointed
I wish that time will fly by.

I miss you
I miss you so much.

Ending it

I want to end the friendship
As it never existed
It has always been more than just friends.

I see that you have been busy
I wonder why I am still stuck
As that is not the answer to my problem

I need to make more new friends
To change everything

A whole lot of change is going to happen from here on.

You are my past.

I still miss you

I still miss you tonnes.

Even though it is getting better, when I am off work and am not doing anything, my mind wonders and I wish you were somehow here again. I still cannot get over the fact that time has moved on and so have you.

It is truly painful still to see that you are not next to me. I am yearning to give you a call to hear your caring voice once again. I want to tell you all the many many things that are happening.

1771554

I still wonder

You're still at the back of my mind
I wonder how you are
I wonder how you are getting along.

I hope you're doing well
I hope you're doing great at work
I hope no challenge will be too big for you to overcome.

If only I could see you again
If only I could hear your voice again
If only I could get a glimpse of you.

I miss you.

I still do.

It is getting a little better nowadays for me. But it is still not easy.

There are so many other changes that will be happening very soon. I wonder what the future holds

Busy

I "see" that you have been busy making tonnes of new friends. Sometimes I wonder if I mean anything at all to you. I feel like calling off the friendship or just let it die a natural death. I don't need you and you have never needed me. Auf Wiedersehn!

Better in time

Adapted from Leona Lewis - Better in time

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too, oh yeah
(It'll all get better in time)
Even though I really loved you
I'm gonna smile 'cause I deserve to
(It'll all get better in time)

How could I turn on the TV
Without something there to remind me?
Was it all that easy
To just put aside your feelings?

If I'm dreaming, don't wanna let, hurt my feelings
But that's the path, I believe in
And I know that, time will heal it
You didn't notice, you mean everything
All I know is, I'ma be okay

Since there's no more you and me
It's time I let you go so I can be free
And live my life how it should be
No matter how hard it is, I'll be fine without you
Yes, I will

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too, yeah
(It'll all get better in time)
And even though I really loved you
I'm gonna smile 'cause I deserve to

You'll always be special to me

I wish you were with me today. I would have thoroughly enjoyed my time. I have always had fun and have enjoyed myself each time I spend my time with you. The weather has been nice today. If only you could be on leave, we could have gone cycling at east coast and then take a walk and then have lunch/dinner. It was a really quite lazy afternoon.
When I reminisce about the past, it feels like it was only yesterday. There were such happy wonderful memories. I wish you were with me. I miss you so so much. With work being less than great, I want to meet up with you. I feel like a double whammy is thrown at me. It is so painful and so tough to get up right now. I just want to wallow in my misery. I know I cannot allow for that to happen. Not at work at least. There are still so many things to do and I want to see them through.
At times, I feel that since work is not going so good, let me meet up with you already. I have enough misery. Let me just meet up with you to alleviate the pain and suffering. I just want to meet up with you. I just want to hear your caring voice at the end of the line. I have missed your caring ways and your closeness with me. Where did all that go? I wish time stopped on that wonderful days after the JP Morgan Run. I wish that continued. I really don't care what others would think. However I don't think you will be happy that way.
I just want you to be happy. It hurts that I am not the one who can provide you with happiness.
I miss you. I just want to meet up with you.
Please help me end the pain already. I need you so badly. Please let me just run into you such that I can just get a glimpse. I miss you.

Wondering

I wonder if you miss me in the slightest bit. It is truly painful that I am going through such a painful phase and you are not in the slightest bit affected. Not that I am wishing pain for you butI wish you miss me slightly. I see that you are using the things that I have bought for you. I wonder if you wonder when is it that I will call you to tell you that I am now fine. When I see that you met up with your friends, my immediate thoughts were why are you not meeting up with me. Then I remembered that I needed time out from you.

Work is in shambles right now. I see my dream going up in smoke. When I took the time-out from you, at least I had work to rely on. Now I don't even have that. I don't know what I need to do already. I am at a total loss. I am so tempted to call you, to hear your caring voice at the other end. I miss you so much.

Dreams go up in smoke

What does one do when one's dreams go up in smoke?
What does one do when there is nothing left?
What does one do when important things are cut off from one's life?

What does one do?

Am tired

I am tired

... from chasing the dream
... from making things happen
... from the past

Am letting go.

Of everything

Shocking turn of events

What a shocking turn of events. It has been pretty demoralising, to see my dream go up in smoke. I am just so tired and want to be away from everything.

Personal life is in shambles. Work life is not great. What else is there?

Wishing you were somehow here again

-Adapted from Phantom of the Opera
This sums up how I feel right now

You were once my one companion
You were all that mattered
You were once a friend
Then my world was shattered

Wishing you were somehow here again
Wishing you were somehow near
Sometimes it seemed if I just dreamed
Somehow you would be here

Wishing I could hear your voice again
Wishing you were somehow here again

I still miss you

I am just itching to give you a call, to hear your caring voice on the other line. I still miss you. I am assuming that things have not changed. However I may be wrong. The silence from your end is screaming at me. I wish you'd give me a call. I know that you will let me call the shots and I will call you once I am ready. I wish I am ready now. I know that that is not the case. The day I am ready is when I do not look forward to meeting up with you and to just see you as a friend. I have no idea when that day will happen. It is just driving me crazy.

20th July 2008

I had imagined this day to be different. I had imagined the three of us having dinner, having good time and being amazed by the magic show. Alas, due to my own doing, you could not join us. Sometimes I wonder if I had made the right decision. Maybe it would have been better to hold back and then tell you after the show. It has been awhile since the three of us hung out together. I truly wished you were there with us. I still remember those days like it was only yesterday.

I still miss you my dear.

The Past

I wonder if you'll ever shed any tears should we ever drift apart. I have this feeling that it will not matter to you at all and that you'll just move on easily. I wish I mean a lot to you, as much as you mean to me. Tonight is the show and I wish you will be there with us. It will be nice for the three of us to hang out, have dinner and enjoy ourselves. It has been awhile.

Stupidity

Why am I still shedding tears?
Why am I still holding onto the past so strongly?

Enough. I will no longer bother.

I miss you

I miss you
I still shed a tear once in a while
Even though it's different now
You're still here somehow

I need to let you go, not that I have ever had you in the first place. I need to let go of the past. Time has moved on, so many things have changed, yet I am still stuck in the past. I feel like going away for awhile, to just be alone. To be away from everything.

I wonder if you had done advance with your friend. I have this feeling you did. A part of me is angry when I think of that. A part of me tells me that I should have expected this. You will do what you want.

I want to do what I want. However what I want is in contradiction with what I should do.

Still odd

When I saw your good friend just now, I was a little surprised. I thought I had seen someone that looked like her but I just caught a glimpse so I was not too sure. When I saw your friend at the lobby, it still took me awhile to recognize your friend. When I saw your friend and you were not next to this friend, I was glad. A part of me froze in my tracks but a part of me also told me to keep moving. I am really glad that you were not there. Had you been there, I would have been so upset. When I heard from someone that your friend's ear drum had ruptured whilst diving, I wonder if you had gone diving with her. I know you were supposed to take leave sometime these couple of weeks but I am not sure. I am surprised that she had ruptured her ear drum as if she'd gone with our instructor, she'd have been taught well. My next immediate thought is whether you had gone with her. Sigh. I am sure you had shared special moments with her. A part of me is finding it tough to move on but a part of me also tells me to keep moving and I am moving. I am in such a contradictory state right now.

Unwell

I "see" that you are unwell. A part of me just wanted to "rush out" and call you to ask if you were ok and what I can do to make you feel better. Hope that you have medications and that you take proper meals and hydrate yourself well such that you have a speedy recovery. I am sure you are capable of taking care of yourself. Nonetheless, I feel like buying you food and drinks to make sure you're ok. I know that you don't need me to take care of you. I am not sure if you are on leave during this time. Maybe you're back home and well taken care of. I miss you.

Take care and recover fast.

Conflict

A part of me is torn that I want to see you. A part of me finds some semblance of inner peace. I just have to keep working on it such that I no longer have this desire to keep waanting to meet up with you. I need my life to move on without you in it. It is painful as I have spent much time with you. I have lived most of my life on my own happily to a certain extent. I completely lost my head when I was with you. I truly remember the highs with you. I can't even remember the lows. I miss you. I miss you.

1 week to the show

It will be one week to the show. I wish you were watching with us. Sometimes I feel that it would have been better if I had not declared the time-out officially or at least postpone till after the show. However I know that I would have gone crazy if I had just kept quiet and pretended things are normal. I wonder how you have been. A selfish part of me wishes that you wanted to give me a call or that you missed me slightly. I am sure that if you asked I would have met up with you. Nonetheless, I am glad that you have kept to your word that when I am ready, I will contact you. I hope that I will have resolved my issues by the end of this year. Worse case, I'll just pass you your documents and walk away. Sigh.

Weekends are tough

I miss you so much. It hits me really badly on weekends. I still remember the times that we'd spent together on weekends. It was so enjoyable. With you, I only remember the good times. I don't recall the unpleasantness so vividly. With you out of my life has been a tough decision I had to make. I still wonder what is the difference between being miserable then and being miserable now. At least I was happier previously. I know I need to do this to get better. The wound on my leg has yet to heal completely. If this takes so long, what more the heart. I don't even know if I will have sorted this out by end of the year. It is still so very painful. I had cried last night. I have been suppressing my feelings for this week. Being busy at work has helped but weekends are tough.

I miss you.

Still not easy

It's been 2 week since the official time out. I still miss you. I feel like calling you to hear your voice again, to hear you. It still pains me that you are not around. When I look around me and I see that things have changed, I really need to move on, to get used that you are no longer next to me.

Even though, I am not spiralling downwards and am moving, I still miss you.

I miss you.

Focusing on the big picture

Time and again, I am reminded to focus on the big picture. A few things at work have happened. Of course I still have yet to truly heal. Each time an obstacle comes along the way, I feel like giving up. When I internalise that I should look at the big picture, it helps a great deal.

After getting the talking to and realising a few things along the way, I want to focus on these things
- to be a good preceptor
- to ensure that the preparation for the new hospital is well taken care off
- to ensure that when the doors for the new hospital open, what I can do in my capacity has ensured as much as possible the vision that has been shared
- to ensure my sis does well
- to ensure my bro gets a job he wants
- to ensure my family is doing good
- to run 20km at the standard chartered marathon end of year

I have had enough

When I returned you the money for the show yesterday, I was not prepared for the 2 shocks, to see your friend next to you and to realise that I could not get you on the hp because she was on the line with your hp.

After I had parked my car and walked in to look for you, I had called you to ask you where you were. When you didn't pick up the call, I had thought you were busy dispensing. As I was walking along the corridor, I saw 2 figures walking in my direction. I truly did not recognise that it was you until very much nearer. Of course I knew who was besides you. Who else can it be? When I saw that she was on the hp, I did not think much of it. I was trembling when I was returning you the money. Perhaps it was just me but I thought I felt that it was quite odd to pretend that things are ok. I guess you were trying to make things as normal as possible. I was counting the money and making sure that it was correct. I was trying very hard to be nonchalant. Imagine my shock when your friend passed the hp back to you. No wonder I could not get you. She was on your hp. My immediate thoughts were why was she using your hp? Was it something that you couldnt handle? When you had then asked if I had miss-called you, I said yeah. When you said that you guys were going for lunch, I said ok. After saying our goodbyes, I had then walked off in a purposeful manner towarads OP as I wanted to see the self-reg kiosk there. I am glad that I did not break down at all. I am truly glad to be in my logical manner.

Nonetheless, I am glad that I have given you back your money. It was at the back of my mind incessantly.

It was nice seeing you again. You looked good in pink.

A part of me wished that you will miss me or that you will break down at being treated in such a casual manner.

Facing reality

I am glad I had talked to a good friend about going crazy. I had gotten a scolding but I am glad. It has helped to put things into perspective and has helped me focus on what I need to do for myself.

It was painful and harsh but that is the only way to wake me up.

Slowly but surely I will get there.

Still too early

When I called you to say that I need to return you some of your stuff, hearing that you were busy was tough for me. When you mentioned that you were going out tonight, it hit me like a tonne of bricks. My immediate thoughts were who were you going out with? Why were you going out so late? After those immediate thoughts, I immediately brushed them off and focused on when I could just get over passing to you the remaining things.

I still miss those days when we hung out a lot. Alas that is the past that will never ever happen anymore.

I miss you.

Project Disappearance

Project Disappearance

Objective: To let go of the past and to be on the path to true happiness as I deserve better.

Background: I have been swinging from being ok to not being ok. I have been sad and I have been happy. I cannot hang around for drips of happiness. I need happiness that will last much much longer. I need someone to care about me to the same extent as I care about this other person. For the short moment of highs that I get, I live through long periods of terrible lows. Remember the stinging remarks. I do not deserve that. I need time to heal, just like the wound on my leg.

Method: Cut off contact COMPLETELY for x months or years or indefinitely.

Outcome: To be able to just see you as just a friend and nothing more. To feel NOTHING when I see you and C together. To feel NOTHING when I see you and another person together. To LIVE in the present.

Missing you

I miss you
I miss your smile and your caring ways
I miss you being next to me

I miss having you with me
Having breakfast
Having dinner

Being with you makes me happy
Because of you, I am now a better person
I have changed

I don't know if I will ever see you again
One day I will let go of the past once and for all
I miss you

Yesterday

I cried yesterday. I was already pissed off when I set off. When I couldn't find a parking lot, I was screaming my lungs out. I guess I was suppressing my tears since Day 1. True enough, tears begin to fall. I was just crying. It took awhile before the tears dried up. The place brought back many wonderful and at the same time painful memories. I truly enjoy every moment with you. However I remember that it was also at this same place, when you had asked about vacancies. I still remember it vividly even though it has been more than a year now. It seemed like it was just yesterday. I remembered a sinking feeling throughout the whole conversation. I was hoping that you would not go to that organization. I don't know if you are in a better place. At the end of the outing yesterday, again I cried. Seeing 2 other people at the outing brought out the tears. It was painful for me. I was yearning to call you. I just wanted to call off the time out. So what if it is momentary happiness, at least I was happy. I was truly upset yesterday. I just wanted to call you and to hear your caring voice once again. I miss you so much. i don't know how long this time-out will be. i feel like ending it already. I don't give a damn about this time-out anymore.
I miss you ...

At Ease

I feel happy and at ease today. Perhaps seeing a good friend which I have not seen for 9 months perked me up. Perhaps it was because I have finally said what I have been wanting to say for some time. I know that I need to follow through what I have said. Otherwise no point saying it. It is just words and no action. I want the wound to heal. It needs to heal. Enough of torturing myself in that manner. In a way, I feel happy. I also feel sad at the same time. Perhaps it will only hit me when I have not seen you for months. It was driving me crazy when I did not see you for 3 weeks. Maybe I will be okay this time round, ie to feel all right even though I have not seen you for 3 weeks. This then needs to be extended to months.
How do I know I have recovered? I wish the time is now. In a way, I miss you already. I feel like calling you. I miss your caring voice. I miss you. I need to focus my time and effort on other things such as work, family, my pre-reg.
I wish I was meeting up with you. I wish we had spent more time yesterday. It would be nice if we had stayed out till midnight. It wouldnt be fair to you as you were tired. And so was I. However I would have gladly stayed out if you were agreeable.

THE DAY

Today is the day whereby I will finally do what I should have done many months ago. I hope I have the strength to see it through. It will be the start of the journey whereby I will let go of the past.

Irritating

This is super duper irritating. You are going around meeting the whole damn world and you dont have time for me. I know that I have no right to impose that we meet up regularly. You know what, I am no longer going to hang around like an idiot for draps of happiness.

AUF WIEDERSEHN!

The Date

The date has been set. There is no turning back. I thought I could hang on for a little while more. I have gone through ups and downs in this short period of time. I keep swinging back to and from being ok. There is no way I can continue living this. I need to do this. If I wait any longer, I will just explode and go crazy.

I hope things turn out fine.

Frustration

I am frustrated and irritated. I thought the holiday in Bangkok would help to take my mind off things. Unfortunately, it was only slightly better. I still could not help but think of you. I miss you so much. Being with you makes me happy. It has been some time since I had last met up with you. I am just going crazy inside. I feel like calling you and talking to you. I miss your caring voice. I miss you caring for me. I wish I could meet up with you soon and have dinner with you to just catch up with you. I wonder how you have been. It makes me happy to see you happy. Initially I was ok at the thought of not having you in my life. Now I am not so sure, which makes this even more painful. I am glad work will be so busy that it will occupy my mind. However when work ends, emptiness creeps in. I just feel like smashing my phone such that I am no longer contactable by anyone.

One more month

I need to hang on for one more month.

I am minimizing contact DRASTICALLY already. I just need to hang on before I completely disappear. I am tired and drained out inside. I need to plan out properly and really just hang on.

A little more. Almost there.

Letter

Dear XXX,

I will be disappearing. Maybe it will be for 6 months, maybe more. I don't know. But I know that I will need to disappear. For my sanity and ultimately, my happiness. I apologize for being a lousy friend much earlier on when I didn't agree to your detachment period. I was selfish. I am now being selfish again by letting you know that I am going to disappear.
To be honest, I hate you right now. I am really really upset with the recent events or non-events.
Anyway, I am returning you your things.
I hope that when I have settled my issues, we can resume our friendship from where it was left off.
I wish other options exist. I can't think of anything else. I am still struggling and the only option is to disappear.
I am sorry.
Thank you for your friendship, spending time with me when you can and encouraging me and being patient with me. Thanks to you, I now want to lead a healthy and active lifestyle.
Thank you.

Auf Wiedersehn

I HATE 12TH JUNE 2008

12th June 2008 - what a day.

I freaking hate that day. If only I had decided differently. Things may have turn out differently. Then again, maybe not. Certain things are beyond my control. The huge wound shall serve as a continuous reminder. The pain, difficulty and immobility. I think I may have thought of a certain image or a particular thought may have popped in and it has led to this. This huge wound that is taking some time to heal. Ironic isnt it .... The wound on my leg will need time to heal. Yet I am not doing anything to allow myself to heal.

My close friends have already advised me. There have been numerous incidents that have pointed out the decision that needs to be made. Yet, I refuse to heed this advice. How much longer am I going to do this to myself? How much longer.

I am honestly angry right now. Angry with so many things. I am angry with you. I feel like I hate you right now. I just want to scream my lungs out!!! DAMN IT !!!! DAMN YOU!!!!!

I am going to disappear.

I don't think it will affect you in any way. I don't think you will even shed one tear. And here I am, crying again.

Wound

How ironic. The physical wound that happened on that day coincided with a decision made. If only a different decision was made. Events would have turned out differently. It is definitely eating me inside now that I know why the request was made. How stupid can I be? Enough is enough.

The physical wound and pain is a reminder of the inner turmoil. I am numbing out the inner turmoil. I am glad that I have the physical wound and pain to remind me of the decision I am going to make.

I AM GOING TO DISAPPEAR!!!

Damn it, you will be someone else's problem. You have so many friends anyway to take care of you, to keep you company and to hang out with you. I am also sure you have someone to drive you to work and back etc.

I AM CUTTING YOU OUT OF MY LIFE!!!

AUF WIEDERSEHN!!!!!

Disappearance

I am sad and upset that I will have to disappear. I have no idea how long it will be. Some have said that it will be for 1 or 2 years. Initially I thought 1 or 3 months at most will suffice. Now I feel that it will have to be for at least 6 months. I keep going through the same cycle over and over again. I am sure my friends are tired of hearing the same old story. I know my friends also want to see me get better. I need time to heal and recover. Deep down, my tears are flowing non-stop as I cannot imagine my life without you in it. It scares me to death. Right now, I keep wishing it is possible. If it had been for at least 1 day or even better, 1 month, it would have been more worthwhile.

I keep running through the options and still wonder if there is another way out. It keeps pointing back to the same answer. I was asked how much longer am I going to keep doing this to myself. It has to stop. I have to tell you I will be disappearing. I cannot just disappear like that. It would not be fair to you. I am sorry that I have to take this option.

It still hurts that I am not by your side as often as I would like to. I get jealous that you are spending so much of your time with others. I know I have no right to impose that you spend time with me. Not that you will do it anyway.

For my sanity and happiness, I need to disappear. I want to.

Inner turmoil

I thought I had overcome it. I was happy the past few days. I still have not realized that it is the cycle starting all over again. How much longer am I going to do this to myself? I am tired of going through it all over again. I should just do it already. Instead of wondering what-if, I shall just come clean and do what should have been done many months ago.

Please give me the strength to see it through.

Many surprises

I have received many wonderful surprises since last Monday. I am truly touched and feel blessed to have such wonderful friends and great family. It has been so much fun since Monday. However something is still missing and I know what this is. When I reflect, I am amazed at what I have received this past few days. I have given little to this group of people, yet I have received tonnes. However with you, I have given so much and yet it does not match. I know it is my own doing of giving so much to you when I know you will not reciprocate. This shall not be about you.

I was really moved by the surprise dinner today. I really did not expect it. I thought it was just so coincidental that it was after my birthday. It has been awhile since the group of us went out for a fun dinner, instead of always discussing about work during dinner. When I had received a hand-made necklace as a gift, i was so moved that I didnt know what to do. I was stunned. I had received many nice small little touches all over, I am so touched. It has been a great day!

Wishes

I wish you were with me today. At the end of the day, i wished we were together. The weather was nice after the rain. I wished we had gone night cycling. I miss you. This whole cycle is eating me. I wish i had completely recovered. Each time I look at it, feelings and emotions are evoked. There are times when I don't feel a thing as I focus on other things. There are times when it hits me and it is truly painful.
i didn't get my wish fulfilled. I know it will never come true but i wished that perhaps, we could have spent some time today. Today was all right but I don't know for how long I can carry on like this.

I can hardly wait for 9th June 2008. It will mark my new beginning and quest towards freedom and happiness.

PS: I wonder if I have ever seen you as a friend.

Surprise

What a surprise! I had received chocolates in the morning from someone whom I was training. It was highly unexpected. What a wonderful surprise! I was so touched and it made my day, especially after a terrible Sunday. The day went really went from there. I'd "run" into someone I knew at the office as well and she'd wished me in advance. How sweet! I am not even close to her and she remembered. I was so moved. To end the day, I had a good session with my students and had enjoyed my session with them. To top off the day, I had dinner and movie with a friend who was always keen to share. It was an entertaining night indeed! I had received a dinner treat and it was wonderful! It was all so unexpected. All these made me realize that I have been putting all my time and effort in the wrong places. It was highly unbalanced. It is time to put the balance in place.

I am grateful to have such wonderful friends and colleagues. I feel so blessed. Despite the setback which I am trying to overcome, these wonderful happenings made me see the blessings I have long ignored.

It has been a great day !

Disastrous

It was a complete disaster. I couldn't even complete it. This is something that I have done several times previously. The mind simply gave up. The voice that screams "Quit" was so strong. It was so painful as I know what I am capable of doing. If this is a reflection of things to come if I do not take the necessary actions, I am in big trouble. I know what I have to do. Advice has already been given. Time to take action. I just need to hang on a little while more before I execute the plan. It will happen after a certain date. It pains me that I need to go through this all over again. I can feel the tears coming back again. However I need to do this. When I reflect on the various activities, I have realised that I could complete them on my own and I was actually happier when I was carrying out those activities on my own. I just cannot handle your presence. Somehow or other, I allow it to screw me up.

I truly wish there was another way other than detachment. I know that my absence is no big deal to you but I cannot imagine life without your presence. How is it that the person who can make me happy is also the source of my pain?Everything has been a huge irony and the worst joke possible. Time that has passed feels like only yesterday.

Today was really tough. I am upset with myself in not pushing myself harder. I just threw in the towel just like that. I need to hang on and to focus on other things. It is just painful.

Temptation

I caved in to temptation. The reflex actions that have been developed so strongly over the years kicked in. I need to overcome these reflex actions such that they'll be reflex actions no more. I wonder what will happen later. I hope I can be as normal as I can be as though nothing has happened or will happen. I have also asked for signs. I will wait for the signs to take actions.

Please give me the strength to last this through.