I wonder when I will see the traitor officially. A part of me can hardly wait to see her - to see if she's drowning. I hope she drowns ... really badly. When I read the email, I feel pain. It really feels like crap. Really.
I don't know whether to feel proud as I feel that perhaps I'd inspired her to take on this path. However, why did she not want to stay with us? She can shine too. I will be more than happy for her to shine ever so brightly. She can take my place. I can then do other things. I don't know why she wants to do it alone, with minimal guidance. Really ... GOOD luck to her.
I can hardly wait to see suffer ... suffer really badly ....
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Persistence
Persistence ... A word that I dislike very much. It is something truly difficult for me. The minute something challenging comes up, the first thing that comes to mind is to walk or run away from it. I had asked for signs if this is something I should continue with. The talk on Wednesday morning pointed me in the direction that diamonds are created after being under much pressure. Another colleague shared with me her past working experiences and her reasons for leaving her other jobs. Her reasons made sense.
I was reflecting upon my reasons to leave. They no longer made sense. I want to make a difference. I want to be at the fore-front of ground-breaking technology. However, when the opportunity presented itself, the first thing that came to mind is that it will be too tough. It will be impossible. And there is no way I could continue working like this as expectations were too high and ridiculous. When I thought about it deeper, companies like Apple came out with radical gadgets that's taking the world by storm. I am sure it was not an easy path either.
I know my dear friend was trying to cheer me up that day. Yet I shut her out. She kept persisting a few days later to make sure that I was all right. I am truly thankful for that.
I had received good news that PML was accepted for oral presentation at ACCP ! How cool is that ! When my dear friend SMSed me, I was really touched. I need to reflect on my life more often. I have come a long way. I am also relieved that PML was accepted. I was so so afraid that I'd screwed up this project really badly. I need to be more confident. I am not that bad.
I have a great and wonderful boss. The senior management is also thinking of the right track. Their ideas and vision make sense. I know it will not be easy but greatness don't come easily.
Last but not least, I have many superb friends who have stood by me through thick and thin. I know I have their support.
I was reflecting upon my reasons to leave. They no longer made sense. I want to make a difference. I want to be at the fore-front of ground-breaking technology. However, when the opportunity presented itself, the first thing that came to mind is that it will be too tough. It will be impossible. And there is no way I could continue working like this as expectations were too high and ridiculous. When I thought about it deeper, companies like Apple came out with radical gadgets that's taking the world by storm. I am sure it was not an easy path either.
I know my dear friend was trying to cheer me up that day. Yet I shut her out. She kept persisting a few days later to make sure that I was all right. I am truly thankful for that.
I had received good news that PML was accepted for oral presentation at ACCP ! How cool is that ! When my dear friend SMSed me, I was really touched. I need to reflect on my life more often. I have come a long way. I am also relieved that PML was accepted. I was so so afraid that I'd screwed up this project really badly. I need to be more confident. I am not that bad.
I have a great and wonderful boss. The senior management is also thinking of the right track. Their ideas and vision make sense. I know it will not be easy but greatness don't come easily.
Last but not least, I have many superb friends who have stood by me through thick and thin. I know I have their support.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Decision
I have been breaking down at the end of each work day. This has been happening for the past few days. There have been times whereby I will break down by mid-day even. I wonder if it is a sign that it is time to move on to something else. It need not be this hard. I am sure that there are easier options out there. Must life be this difficult?
The tipping point came from a recent decision regarding some implementation. I was absolutely furious when I'd heard it. There was a potential major change and the time-line didnt shift. I am sick and tired of working like this. I have enough on my hands. I really don't need anything more. I don't. I am still concerned that there may have been some earlier decisions made that were not thought through carefully.
I never ever thought it will be this difficult. This time round, it is 10x worse. A lot worse. I am so so tired of everything. When I think of what is required and what is expected, I don't think I can deliver anymore. I don't think I want to work for such an organisation and in such a culture. I don't have what it takes anymore.
I seek clarity to determine if this is what I should continue doing. Maybe I should not wait till 1 year later. I will give myself till 28th June. I will decide then. However I am not sure if it will be too late. Maybe I should speak to someone first. Maybe I should see it through for one more year. A part of me really cannot take it anymore. If I tender now, it will be before 28th June and I don't wan to leave the team in a lurch. On the other hand, I feel that I cannot cope any longer. I really cannot. The only way to make it better would be to just quit. If I ignore certain things, they will come back to haunt me later on.
How do I determine if this is what I want to do?
Right now, I no longer feel joy. Right now, nothing matters anymore. Nothing. It feels as though it is an accumulation of issues.
The desire to be dead has never felt stronger. I truly feel depressed.
I feel very strongly that I don't want to do this anymore. I don't.
I don't know if it's roster issues that had led to this. I really don't know how to cope.
I think I shall
1) Ride out this week and determine if I need to talk to her. If yes, I will find a time to talk to her next week.
2) If I don't need to talk to her, I will think things through and decide on 28th June.
Please give me strength and show me the right way.
The tipping point came from a recent decision regarding some implementation. I was absolutely furious when I'd heard it. There was a potential major change and the time-line didnt shift. I am sick and tired of working like this. I have enough on my hands. I really don't need anything more. I don't. I am still concerned that there may have been some earlier decisions made that were not thought through carefully.
I never ever thought it will be this difficult. This time round, it is 10x worse. A lot worse. I am so so tired of everything. When I think of what is required and what is expected, I don't think I can deliver anymore. I don't think I want to work for such an organisation and in such a culture. I don't have what it takes anymore.
I seek clarity to determine if this is what I should continue doing. Maybe I should not wait till 1 year later. I will give myself till 28th June. I will decide then. However I am not sure if it will be too late. Maybe I should speak to someone first. Maybe I should see it through for one more year. A part of me really cannot take it anymore. If I tender now, it will be before 28th June and I don't wan to leave the team in a lurch. On the other hand, I feel that I cannot cope any longer. I really cannot. The only way to make it better would be to just quit. If I ignore certain things, they will come back to haunt me later on.
How do I determine if this is what I want to do?
Right now, I no longer feel joy. Right now, nothing matters anymore. Nothing. It feels as though it is an accumulation of issues.
The desire to be dead has never felt stronger. I truly feel depressed.
I feel very strongly that I don't want to do this anymore. I don't.
I don't know if it's roster issues that had led to this. I really don't know how to cope.
I think I shall
1) Ride out this week and determine if I need to talk to her. If yes, I will find a time to talk to her next week.
2) If I don't need to talk to her, I will think things through and decide on 28th June.
Please give me strength and show me the right way.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Expectations
It has been a rough start to the week. I did not meet certain expectations and I felt like crap. I always feel that I am not doing enough and push myself harder. In the midst of it all, I broke down. It made me realize that it has been really tough. I no longer find joy. I know the source of the pain. I have actually typed out the letter. I don't know if I have what it takes to see it through. A part of me tells me to hang on and ride it out. Then think about it. Then decide. Another part of me tells me to just submit the letter in August. I don't know. Seeing how things are going, I don't know if I have what it takes anymore to keep on going. I am really really tired.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Pasta Brava
Had dinner with a dear friend at Pasta Brava. Initially we'd wanted to go to another Italian place as there was a special promotion. However the place was having a function and was not open. Her brother had then suggested Pasta Brava. From the outside, the restaurant didnt look too great. Upon looking at the menu, I'd changed my mind. Everything sounded YUMMY ! :)
When we'd stepped in, it had a great ambience. Really nice and cosy. The price was reasonable. The food was YUMMY and was of sizeable portions ! I had the crayfish pasta in parchment paper ... really yummy !! The sauce tasted really good and so was the pasta !
It was a WONDERFUL dinner with GREAT company ! :)
When we'd stepped in, it had a great ambience. Really nice and cosy. The price was reasonable. The food was YUMMY and was of sizeable portions ! I had the crayfish pasta in parchment paper ... really yummy !! The sauce tasted really good and so was the pasta !
It was a WONDERFUL dinner with GREAT company ! :)
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