2009

What a year 2009 has been ! So many things have happened ... Just too many to mention.

Highlights of the year include:
1) Presenting TTR at SPC. The journey for that has been amazing! I felt like I was a complete different person on stage
2) Presenting Skype and for IP laptop ordering of meds. To have received such compliments on a job well done by CEO and COO really made my day. The efforts spent on the project as well as the presentation were worthwhile.
3) AHQI and my blue blouse. This was the icing to the cake. It was fun working with all of them! I still can't believe how I'd managed to pull that through.
4) I have gotten over my past a whole lot more. To see that even as friends, it is not possible cos you just don't put in much effort in this friendship. It is just not worthwhile anymore at all. Not at all.

Blessings:
1) Wonderful family
2) Excellent friends
3) Challenging work opportunities

I need to keep on remembering not to repeat mistakes of my past with my present.

2010 will be a blast and it will fly by !

e-greeting card

It was such a slap in the face to have received the electronic christmas card from you. There were just so many things wrong with that:
- it was non-personal
- it reflected the place you are now at, which you didn't have the decency to tell me in the first place
- there was no effort in that at all

Sometimes, I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

Moments like these that I wish that I could forget this part of my past. However I do know that my experiences shape me who I am. I can learn from this and move on.

Feel so stupid

I feel like crap. I feel so stupid. Why did I not push it through? Why am I so soft? I should have stated more explicitly. I feel like I've let people who trusted me down. I don't know what to do.

A part of me does not want to do this anymore. To just give up at this point. However it is too early to be giving up. I don't give up so early. I want to press on.

What I can do moving forth is to learn from my mistakes.

I feel so stupid. I feel really stupid.

ARGH !!!!

Argh !!! I wanna scream my lungs out again !!

I am freaking tired and am in the mood of tuning out and not giving a freaking damn about anything anymore. I must do something about this. I feel so angry that I just want to scream out and lash out and really ... don't care anymore.

ARGH !!!!!!

Lingering emotions

I know that my past will be my past and that it will be a part of me. Sometimes I wished that I can forget that it happened. I still feel the hurt and pain occasionally, especially when I pass by places that remind me strongly of the past. I hate myself that I wonder how you are doing. Why do I forgive so easily?

Addition

It is great to have an addition to the team. I don't think we would have been able to sustain it, just the two of us. I do get the feelings that the addition feels a bit odd/awkward. Just like what she'd said "I feel like a 3rd party." That has made me reflect on my interactions with my junior. Have I been that intense? Are we that close?

Nonetheless, I am glad to have an additional team member.

Interesting comment

It was interesting to hear what 001 had said. "It is so irritating to see the two of them together. It is as though they are joined at the hip. So irritating!!" I was amused to hear what 001 had said. When 001 explained why such emotions, I was deeply deeply touched. This is what I call a true friend. She had made a stand. It is about time I made a stand for myself in this area.

The door is truly closed and to never ever be opened again. The recent incident is proof enough that you don't have the decency to have shared with me your recent developments. When I think about all that I have done for you and when I see how I am being treated, all the more I feel stupid and I know that you treat me like crap. The treatment that I have received in return does not justify all that I have done for you. I guess you are that sort of person who will do what you like according to your whim and fancy. I am not denying that I am responsible for the part that I had to play. Nonetheless, the last straw was that. I actually doubted myself and thought I was asking for too much. Or that I was being weird.

Anyway, the door is closed. No more chances. Not worth my time at all.

At all.

Wonderful day

It has been a wonderful today ! I feel really happy! This despite not sleeping at all last night. I wonder why I feel this happy.

I feel happy because:-
1) Perhaps it was because I'd reflected quickly on a situation and felt that it was not meant to be taken personally. I want to be part of the team that makes things better for patients and safer for them.
2) I'd good time talking to my preceptee. Managed to quickly resolve a couple of the PML technical issues. Hopefully the student will come back soon and can further fine tune PML generation such that it takes even shorter time. I hope we can recruit enough patients.
3) It has been fun working with JL on the intranet/internet. To have heard that she enjoys it too really made me high.
4) My working relationship with my immediate junior has improved by leaps and bounds. I don't know what happened but it feels more relaxed. I feel happier. I can sense that she feels happier too. I feel that she has made effort to reflect and learn.
5) To have heard from my closest friend that it was good to have me back at work even though she has yet to come back. I feel touched. I hope our friendship stays as strong and close for as long as possible.

It's been awhile since I was last this happy. Am very very happy ! :)

It has been wonderful ! :)

What will I say

What will I say should you initiate a catching up session?

Why did you not share with me that you were leaving? That you were joining XXX? I thought I was at least a close friend. Or at least a friend. For me to have heard such news from someone else is so painful. I feel hurt by it. It's not as if we'd not met up recently. We'd met up and you didn't even drop any clue or hints of such movings. Even when I'd SMSed you to congratulate you on your promotion, you didn't mention anything. I wonder if you would mention such things to me ever. When I think of the times I'd spent with you, of all the things I'd done for you, this is what I get in return. I am not expecting in return from all the times I'd spent with you. However I do expect that it is just basic courtesy. I mean, if I am a friend to you, you would have shared such developments with me. I'd even asked you some more. I feel really stupid. Really stupid.

When I think of all the times I'd spent with you, those time were a WASTE of my time. This is how I'm being treated in time. It was a complete waste of my time. I don't know who I am to you. I am most likely NOBODY at all to you. It really hurts. Really hurts.

I don't have such friends. With that, I am walking away. You are my past and that's just it. My past. Friends don't hurt one another. When I think of what you'd done and what I'd done, the conclusion is the same, I want this a whole lot more than you. I put in so so so much more than you. I feel like hurting you for I have been hurt by you. However it would not be worthwhile. I am just going to walk away and never be in contact with you anymore. I so feel like deleting you from facebook. You are a complete WASTE of my time.

I don't have such friends.

Trip

I'd taken a look at the photos that I'd taken on my trip. They're so pretty ! I think I look better with straight hair too .. Hehe :)

When I reflect on the events that had happened during the trip, I'd count every event as a blessing, including those blessings in disguise. To be able to experience all that I had done and gone through during the trip was absolutely wonderful. The kindness showed by strangers was touching. My sister had also tolerated my many many photo-taking stops. Without my sister on this trip, it would have been lonely and it would not have been as fun as it would have been.

It has been a good trip. I hope these happy thoughts last till June/July 2010

Lesson

It was a good lesson to have heard the news from someone else as this reminded me how much I mean to you. Nothing. Not even as a friend. I know my friends would have told me, without me even asking. I'd asked you. There were also recent SMSes but you'd mentioned not a single thing. Not even a clue that would have led to such developments.

I saw your reply to my email. Anyway, the door is closed. We'll see when you want to initiate the meeting up. I am sure that I will not be available. I am sick and tired of being treated like that. I don't want to have anything to do with you. Enough.

From this lesson, the pain of yesterday is still felt. With this, it is a good reminder to not get close to the current one as the consequences will be the pain that I feel now.

Grieving & Moving on

I am glad that I'd teared. I was holding back so much when I'd heard the news from someone else. I was also reflecting on what someone had shared. Moving on and letting go does not mean not dealing with it. We are entitled to grieve and then move on. I've grieved and I'd moved on.

I need to remember this as I keep forgetting what the pain feels like. By remembering the pain only then will I not repeat my mistake. I have given you so many chances, yet I get hurt each time. It is not worth while at all.

I don't know if it's good that I am so badly affected. I don't know if this is a sign that you have not been replaced. Perhaps the current is background noise that is still minimal, which is good. I need to extricate myself out from the current one such that it will never ever reach the level that I'd reached with you, for it will be disastrous in so so many ways.

I have grieved. I have teared. Time to move on.

Upset

I am highly upset ! HIGHLY UPSET ! When I'd first heard from someone else that u'd left the organization, I was shocked. When I'd heard from this same person today the organization u'd joined, I was stunned. I'd asked if it was fair for me to expect that you will share this with me. I do believe it is fair. When I'd heard from this same person that you are like that whereby you will not share such things with the whole world .. my initial reaction is that I am not the whole world. I am different. I am special. I thought of all the times I'd spent with you, I'd mean at least something to you. For you to not have even shared this with me, I am deeply hurt and saddened. It really hurts. Even after I'd heard that you'd left, I'd asked why did you leave and where will you be working at, you'd given such sickening answer. You didn't even answer my second question. When you'd smsed that smiley face recently before I flew off to London, I was happy. I thought you were trying to make amends. I told myself that we should catch up after I get back from my trip. However when I'd heard about the organization that you have joined or will be joining, I was really upset. To have heard such news from someone else is really painful. I thought I'd mean at least something to you for you to have shared such news. I thought that I'm at least a friend to you and friends share such things. I have no idea why you are being so secretive. Perhaps you have been like that all the while to everybody but I refuse to see it and I thought that I am special to you. Alas, I AM SO WRONG!

I do feel that the times that I'd spent with you in the past is so so so wasted. I feel like I am nobody to you. It really hurts. Even though we have not met up for some time, I still allow you to have such an effect on me. I don't think I should ever meet up with you. For the last couple of catch-ups, I'd initiated those. 001 is right. COMPLETE CUT-OFF! You're not worth my time, my energy and my emotions. I am deeply hurt. Perhaps you have your reasons. I feel like meeting up with you to just vent it out on you to ask why. I am just so angry right now that I know it will be confrontational and that I will break down. I feel really really hurt.

I wish I could just say all these to you now and then just completely walk away and never turn back as we can never be friends. Maybe I am expecting too much. I don't know. I do know this that I WILL NOT initiate the next catch-up/lunch/dinner with you. I am sick and tired of always wanting this more than you. I am sick and tired of always making the first move. Deep down, I really just want to meet up and ask you all these questions. Do I really mean nothing to you at all until you didn't share such things with me? What are your reasons for not sharing with me these recent developments in your life? Even though, I am dying to vent it out on you and just thrash things out, I will wait for you to initiate. If you don't initiate, so be it then. So be it.

Missing the current

I must say that I do miss the current. When I was about to leave, I was on the verge of tears. I don't know why such emotions overcame me. Do I love the current one that much? Has it gone beyond the level? I know I'm close to the current.

Dreamt of you

I'd dreamt of you last night. In my dream, you were leaving and I was never ever going to see you again. I remembered tearing when I'd heard it. I was so affected by it. In reality, I hardly see you anyway. I wonder why you'd smsed me that night. I wish we were more than just friends. I've been to your blog recently. I wonder whom you're seeing. A part of me is happy. A part of me is sad. I do wonder when will I ever find the right one. I know that I've not been looking in the right places so chances are going to be pretty slim.

Tears

I am on the verge of tears. I don't know if it's because I miss the current one. Or that I am going to screw up a project that is not too minor that I should have paid more attention to. I don't know why I do this to myself. Do I really enjoy being in pain? Are my time management skills that poor? Is it because of the background noise?

I really don't feel like coming back now. I just want to stay on forever. I also know that when I come back, things will be so very different. I really don't want to go back.

Maybe I should tender.

Same song ... with a different person

Lyrics of Broken-hearted Girl by Beyonce Knowles

You’re everything I thought you never were
And nothing like I thought you could’ve been
But still you live inside of me
So tell me how is that?

You’re the only one I wish I could forget
The only one I’d love to not forgive
And though you break my heart, you’re the only one
And though there are times when I hate you
Cause I can’t erase
The times that you hurt me
And put tears on my face
And even now while I hate you
It pains me to say
I know I’ll be there at the end of the day

I don’t wanna be without you babe
I don’t want a broken heart
Don’t wanna take a breath with out you babe
I don’t wanna play that part
I know that I love you
But let me just say
I don’t want to love you in no kind of way no no
I don’t want a broken heart
And I don’t wanna play the broken-hearted girl...No...No
No broken-hearted girl
I’m no broken-hearted girl

Something that I feel I need to say
But up to now I’ve always been afraid
That you would never come around
And still I want to put this out
You say you’ve got the most respect for me
But sometimes I feel you’re not deserving me
And still you’re in my heart
But you’re the only one and yes
There are times when I hate you
But I don’t complain
Cause I’ve been afraid that you would've walk away
Oh but now I don’t hate you
I’m happy to say
That I will be there at the end of the day

I don’t wanna be without you babe
I don’t want a broken heart
Don’t wanna take a breath with out you babe
I don’t wanna play that part
I know that I love you
But let me just say
I don’t want to love you in no kind of way no no
I don’t want a broken heart
And I don’t wanna play the broken-hearted girl...No…No
No broken-hearted girl

Now I’m at a place I thought I’d never be…Oooo
I’m living in a world that’s all about you and me…yeah
Ain't gotta be afraid my broken heart is free
To spread my wings and fly away
Away With you
yeah yeah yeah, ohh ohh ohh

I don’t wanna be without my baby
I don’t wanna a broken heart
Don’t want to take a breath with out my baby
I don’t wanna play that part
I know that I love you
But let me just say
I don’t want to love you in no kind of way..No..No
I don’t want a broken heart
I don’t wanna play the broken-hearted girl..No..No..
No broken-hearted girl
Broken-hearted girl No…no…
No broken-hearted girl
No broken-hearted girl

Anger

The only thing I feel now is anger. So much anger!! I feel like screaming my lungs out. I thought I'd always done more. I don't know.

Another thing that I need to distance myself more such that I remain objective. I feel that I'm partially blinded now.

I am amazed at the similarities. It is just so uncanny. However I need to remember that there is one main difference, the present will never hurt me like how the past had done. Not that it was the fault of the past. 2 hands are required to clap. One is black and one is white. I need to remember that.

I do recognize that I am easily distracted and less focused nowadays. I need to get back my focus. I should not be considering such stuff. Perhaps all this is triggered due to my yearning for the past once more.

I don't wanna do this anymore

I don't wanna do this anymore !!! ARGH !!!! What have I gotten myself into? There are so so so so many things ... I don't know which one to start working on first. I feel that I am just putting out the fires. I really don't know how to plan anymore.

I am in so so so so much trouble ....

ARGH !!!!

Blissfully happy

I had been blissfully happy the past couple of weeks. I was on cloud 9. I was really really happy. I thought that I was just in a good mood. On further reflection, I know why I had been feeling so. As reality sets in, I am in pain. I need to face up to reality. I recall since it first began.

I remembered the remarks by 001. I remembered my first thoughts "You mean it's so obvious?" I should have done something about it then. I thought that I could control myself better this time round. I thought that I'd learnt from my mistakes. I fear not. Perhaps that was why I'd felt really terrible on Friday. The happy exterior was to hide a pained interior.

For the most parts, I am upset with myself for I have fallen for you.

I need to get myself out of this.

Sleeping it off

I can understand what you'd meant when you'd decided to sleep it off, forget the unhappy past and start afresh. That's what I've been trying to do since Saturday. I just want to forget the unhappy past. I don't know why I feel this way. Perhaps I'd already felt this way for some time but I'd refused to face up to reality.

Despite the crazy exterior, lies a painful & hurt soul. I am really shocked as to how I feel. When the present popped up just like that earlier on, I felt pain. I need to do something about this. Why must it happen at this point of time though? I feel so urgh !!!

Right now, I feel that whatever comes out will be super fake.

ARGH !

Will history repeat?

I feel that I am the same way with the present that I have been with you. Exactly the same. I need to take a step back and draw my boundaries even further. Was trying to explain earlier on. I feel that I am at my wits end. I really have done all that I can. Sometimes I feel like I have disappointed the present. That I am not good enough.

I was on the verge of tears. I told myself to not feel anything and to seek further clarification.

However I could not take it anymore and asked for it to be re-done. I had no time to re-write it myself. I don't think I am that good to be handling it this way. I don't know.

I am at a loss as to what to do. I don't know if it's a case of getting too close too quickly.

I was greatly affected during and after the conversation. My emotions are more involved in this than the previous. Greatly affected. I think the tears will fall soon.

I fear what has happened.

Still missing you

I do miss having you around occasionally. I must say that it is much better but my thoughts do wonder to the past ... and I do miss the past ... and I miss you ....

I wonder if I can ever find someone to share my life with ....

I don't know ....

The memories of the past are still there ... I don't think I'll ever forget them ...

Great dinner last night

Had a great dinner last night ! Felt that the food was yummy ... something different .... The company of the pre-regs and GK was absolutely fabulous ! It was fun talking to them outside of work :)

I was caught off-guard by the similarities that GK had pointed out ....

It was sweet when the pre-regs wanted to treat me ... Really appreciate the thought ... But I wanted to treat them ... so I treated them nonetheless ... hehe ...

Was really full last night ....

It was a great and fun night ! :)

Stunned by the remark

I was stunned by the remark. I know that I'd glared when that remark was passed. I was also a little uncomfortable. I don't know if I'd just brushed it off lightly. I should have addressed it there and then. I should have asked the basis for that remark. It was really strange. I don't know.

I know that the present is not like you. I know that the present will not allow me to even play with fire. There are just so many similarities that I am at a loss for times.

I just need to be more mindful.

I know that I'm very happy nowadays. And that is a cause for concern cos there have been many a times when I've remarked to myself that you rarely come to mind or that you seem like a very distant past as I've found a replacement ... And I fear what that means. I need to face up to it and do what ever it takes such that history does not repeat itself. For if it does, the consequences will be too huge to pay. It will be worse this time around as so many more things are at stake.

A part of me also feels a little down as I don't like what's going to happen soon ...

Letting go

I get so super duper irritated when I think about what had happened on Friday. I was so pissed off. It's not like she's handling a lot of things. Super pissed off. I need to let go. Different people different. I don't think I have what it takes to instill the passion. Her priorities are different. I need to accept and let go. Of course, I also need to Plan B. It's not personal, it's just work. I thought things would change. Alas, that's not the case.

Wondering ...

I wonder what will happen ... I wish I have a crystal ball that can tell me .... I hope for the best ...

I was stunned by what I'd heard today. Her senses are so strong that it's scary. I don't know what to say or to tell her. She knows me well enough to know the answer. I don't think I can act blur in front of her. She knows me so so so well that it's scary as well. With you, I'd spent so much time and that's why you know me well. Even then, I don't think you know me as well as she did within the same duration of time. She's so accurate in so many things that it's scary ...

I don't want to face up to reality. A part of me is still hoping against hope ... though it's starting to fade away as each day comes. I don't know what will happen. I don't want to think about it ... Whatever happens happens ...

However a part of me feels like I must do something about it ... I cannot just sit back ... I will await the decision and if I disagree, I will voice out ... Pls give me the strength to do so ...

SPECTACULAR

It was a spectacular show ! Everyone had tremendous fun! The feedback had been wonderful ! 001 had commented that I looked good ... that I looked really good ... really good !! I was beaming from ear to ear.

The show would not have been possible without an excellent team! I had great fun working with each and everyone of them! I am thankful ... I have also seen each of them grow a little in the short time I've had with them ... I am so proud of them !

On a separate note, when I see how much my preceptee has grown ... I am so proud of her ... She has put in effort to reflect upon the feedback . I am really proud of her ... :)

Differences

Even though the similarities are strikingly similar at times, I need to remember that the main difference is there. The present and the past are so so so very different. I know that the present will not hurt me, unlike the past. I need to move on.

Similarities

I see so many similarities between the present and you. Sometimes I get so stunned.

Some similarities
- the handwriting
- some of the mannerisms
- some of the remarks

I remembered you saying very similar things.

I need to be careful to ensure that the mistakes of the past are not repeated.

It was nice "hearing" from you again this am. It was really sweet that you'd remembered the date of my presentation.

Sometimes I wish that the past could be relived. I don't think the memories will ever go away. It will be there no matter.

Emotions are flooding

The emotions are coming like crazy. I feel the anger and pain that I once felt not too long ago. Being emotionally involved truly sucks. I don't know how else to control this. I feel like being damn petty but I can't. In my position, I need to be the bigger person. At least with the past, it really would have no impact. However with the present, I need to be very mindful. Perhaps it was a wrong decision. I don't know.

I am really tired to be feeling this way. I didn't feel this way last year. The present reminds me so much of you. I don't know. I need to distance myself a whole lot more. I need to stop caring. Maybe I shouldn't give a freaking damn if I end up to be hated. Of course, the relationship would suck and that is not what I want. I need to calm down and think things through.

Perhaps I am also upset with myself with how I'd handled the situation.

I am so so uber pissed that I want to give a piece of my mind ... Really ... I just want to scream and shout and just say and then I will probably break down ... This is so so familiar ... This was the scenario that kept on playing in my mind in the past ... Why has it now returned?

I need to do something about this.

Decision has been made

The decision has been made. I was hoping against hope that it will never happen, even though deep deep down, I knew it was going to happen. I guess I was running away from reality, my favourite past time. I need to face up to reality as it will happen eventually.

I don't know how to feel or react. I am numb. I guess I don't want to face up to it. I cannot imagine the absence. I really can't. Maybe I am stopping the floodgates for it is too painful to feel right now.

I need to stop thinking of myself and to think for the other person. This other person has gone through so much and it was not easy to have to come to this decision. I will definitely miss having this person around, that's for sure.

This person is such a huge part of my life. I don't know. If I were to feel and to be present, I'm sure the tears will fall ... tremendously ...

I wish this other person all the best. May you find clarity, happiness and the answers that you are looking for.

On a side note, I need to start figuring out life for myself. What do I want? What do I want?

Question

It's scary that this question has come up several times for me ... Are we okay? I am so afraid that the past will repeat ....

Fun night

Had tonnes of fun last night. Had received several compliments too ... 001 kept emphasizing as well.

My life story is that
- I need to believe that I am capable of doing things and getting there
- I just need to put in a bit of extra effort and to be bothered and to care. What I will then achieve is beyond my wildest dreams
- My only limitation is myself

I need to work on these areas.

Are we okay

I remembered asking this questions with you "Are we okay?" ... I'd silently asked this question recently too. Perhaps I know what it means and I know what I need to do. I may not be facing up to reality that if I ignore the signs, I am walking down the painful past. I need to be in better control.

Catch up

It was nice catching up with you that day. Somehow, you felt more like a friend that day. I don't know. Maybe I've let go of the past. Maybe there is a replacement. I am concerned if there is a replacement cos I think history will repeat itself. I don't know.

Hope she's okay

I hope she's okay. I think she's a bit stunned. Or perhaps it's my perception of things. Things seem so formal. Must talk to her for awhile SOON if not, it's an unnecessary strain on the relationship. At least, that's what I feel.

Today ...

Today was the day when tears fell ... Am so exhausted from work. Am really sick and tired of it all. Am this close to calling it quits!! Am at a stage whereby whatever already. I don't care anymore. Am so so tired.

I need to talk to her too ... Am cracking my head such that it comes out to be more of motivational ... I just feel like giving a piece of my mind though .. I wasn't like that last year. Am frustrated with the series of mini events.

I need to focus on the big picture as the big picture is good ... Just some minor blemishes ...

I wanna freaking quit

ARGH !!!!

I just want to freaking quit ... I don't care anymore. I really don't give a freaking damn.

Each time, the source of the pain is the same. Shouldn't the source be removed then? I am so sick and tired of doing this, time and again, and to go through the cycle each time. I am really sick and tired of this.

Why do I want to hold on? What are my alternatives? Am I too afraid to explore?

I just don't want to do this anymore.

Different

Why did I ever think that it will be any different? I knew that it will never go back to the past anymore.

Perhaps I am rushing into things.

I must say that I was pleasantly surprised to have heard from you that day.

EXTREME ANGER

I FREAKING QUIT !!!!

I WANT TO STOP CARING AND I DON’T GIVE A FREAKING DAMN ANYMORE!!!

BLOODY HELL !!! ARGH !!!!

I need to figure out what I want... Screw the big picture ! Time to be selfish!

I want to meet up with you

I want to meet up with you. I want to see you once again. I wish we could have coffee at starbucks. I know that I will want the past back and as such, I can't meet up with you.

Darn ...

I wish I could happen to bump into you by chance then .

Oh well.

It is going to happen

It is going to happen. Am glad to see my dear friend happy. I know that it is in the best interest. I hope that at the end of it all, clarity will happen and the decisions made will make you happy and be at peace with yourself.

I don't know if I have what it takes to survive though. I guess I will find out soon enough.

I don't want to do this anymore

I don't want to do this anymore. I am freaking tired. I am so exhausted that I can barely think.

ARGH !!!

Why did I decide to take it up? Why do I want to push myself like that? I am about to fall flat on my face.

I should have said No.

ARGH !!!

Managed it poorly

I didn't handle the conversation well last night. Sigh :( It must be me cos I think I may have been like that with others without even realising it. I'm glad she's vocal or I would have been none the wiser.

I see so many similarities and I know that I'd handled the past super poorly. Must get advice.

Maybe I'm too harsh? Maybe I'm not listening? I don't know.

The only thing I'm glad is that at least she knows my intentions, I mean well. Still, I should have managed the situation better such that it had not turned out to be like that. I don't know.

I recall the occasions when 001 had talked to me when I needed some sense to be knocked into me. I felt defensive and awful. I know that after I'd calmed down and reflect, I know where 001 is coming from and she means well. Perhaps I need to manage my own expectations that I need to be harsh to be kind. Before I am harsh, I must try the nice approach first. I cannot bring out the hammer at the first instance. I don't know.

The other thing that I concerned about is that I feel that I am emotionally involved in all this, I've more emotions in this than last year. I really felt like crap after the conversation last night. I was re-playing the whole thing over and over again and reflecting on what I could have said and what I should and should not have done. I need to think faster on my feet and to listen better.

Maybe I have also adopted the same approach with my sis and she feels that way too. That's not good.

I need to stop being like the elder sister. Maybe I was not like that last year and perhaps that's why it was better last year.

I feel so torn, so tired and so affected after last night. I feel like I am on the verge of tears.

Touched

It was really nice hanging out and talking to my dearest friend recently. We've both been very busy and when the opportunity came to hang out at her new place, it was great! :) It had been fun playing with her daughters too :) Her youngest is just super duper adorable. Missed them tonnes. When her eldest offered to give me a sticker and when I'd selected one of the smallest one, she'd said that it was too small and she gave me one of the biggest one. I was so touched.

It was fun talking about general stuff and some catching up too. I aspire to be like her. She's my role model.

It was time to put her daughters to bed and she tucked them in and hugged them. It was so sweet. Then her eldest asked her if I could do the same to them, ie to tuck them in and hug them. I was moved to tears. Her eldest had asked even though they had come up to me and hugged me prior to going to bed. I was really touched. :) It was fun and an experience to tuck them in and gave them a hug before they zzz. It was an indescribable feeling :) I love them all so much !

The night had ended well with the emotional strings fully tugged.

I've really tried

I've really tried but memories of the past do pop up out of the blue. I was caught off guard when the tears came the morning after the wedding and when the happy memories came flooding back just like that. I'd thought that I'd completely forgotten about them or at least I'd moved along fine that such memories will remain as memories without evoking any emotions in me at all. I never thought that it would still have such an effect on me.

I must have been highly emotionally involved with you. The times that I'd spent with you. I cared about you too much. I wish I could see you again for one last time before I truly say goodbye as I really don't think we can be friends. I have tried. Really tried. Given my recent attempts with the presentations and the outcomes that I'd gotten and how work has kept me so busy, I am stunned that the wedding had evoked such a response from me. When the groom immediately recognized his bride's hands, even though blind-folded, and when he didnt want to let go, I was moved to tears. This is how I feel about you. I don't want to let you go. I never thought that I still miss you so much. As I'd not seen you for so long already and I've not had meetings at your place and there was no way of "running into you, I truly thought that I'd gotten over you. I thought that the absence will do me good and that the trigger has been removed.

Perhaps I have gotten over you, slightly, but not completely. I guess I also need to accept that I will have such emotions and the happy memories with you will come flooding once a certain trigger has been released.

I need to delete the connection.

On a good note, I think this means that 09 has not replaced you.

Just realised

I just realised that I am sensing my emotions better nowadays ... Perhaps it's good that I am saying them all out here. When I read some of the more recent posts, the most recent one being after the wedding and that I was close to tears. The next day, the tears fell.

Maybe I should not have even requested for the connection. Perhaps I did that as I didn't want you to worry anymore and to stop sending me the e-cards. I don't know. I feel like telling you, stay out of my life , completely. I will look you up when I am ready. Just leave me alone already.

I feel like deleting the connection. I don't know if I should tell you. I feel so silly. I shouldn't have done it in the first place. I wish you'd sms me to ask me out. I don't think it will ever happen though. I know that it will never be the same again.

Overcome by emotions.

I was overcome by emotions today.

I don't know why but I'd suddenly missed you very much. I wished for you to be next to me. I'd wanted to meet up with you and to see you. The good thing about this is at least I know that 09 will not replace you and I don't want history to repeat. 09 is good and I want what I have with 08, with 09.

The bad thing about this is that I still miss you , care so much about & still think about you. Why is it still so? Why do I love you so much that the pain still exists till today?

I would have thought that my recent achievements indicated that I'd moved along far, ahead and fine without you.
Alas , it is far from true.

Memories of the past

I don't know why but I still remember the past. Was at borders just now and I remember the times we'd spent around that area. I felt the pain as I'd tried to brush it away.

It still hurts.

I thought I had let go of the past completely. I thought 09 filled the void significantly without having to go down that path. However after tonight, the happy memories came flooding back and I am close to tears.

I thought things would change after requesting the connection. Somehow when they didn't, I felt at ease or it's as though I'd expected it. Perhaps I am closer in coming to terms with reality.

Right now though, I want to see you.

09 & 06

I see so many similarities between 09 & 06. So many .... I am worried that my mistakes of the past will repeat themselves. I need to keep the big picture in mind. 09 is good and I don't want it to get to a state whereby the relationship becomes awkward.

I get what 001 means about the heart of 09. I see it. I know with 06, it was rarely like that.

09 is really sweet. Somehow I feel that what had happened with 06 will not happen with 09. But then again, I never thought that what had happened with 06 could have ever happened till it did and when I'd realised it, I was in too too too deep.

Thankful

I feel really honoured to have been part of a wonderful wedding. It was a cosy and intimate dinner with a small crowd. It was truly beautiful and to have been given the opportunity to be part of it >- Wow !! :)

It was really nice. The bride looked so pretty and the groom, good-looking. They look so compatible and really sweet.

Am touched to have gotten close to the bride in such a short period of time.

When I look back and reflect on the new friendships made along the way, I feel really blessed.

The inevitable

The inevitable is going to happen. I know it was not an easy decision. The reasonings make sense. Most importantly, happiness and sanity is at stake.

I can't imagine the absence though. I have received so much. It's time I gave back.

I hope the outcome will be a good, in all sense of the word. May it bring you happiness and clarity, my dear friend.

I wish you all the best ...

A different kind of letting go

I need to let go of what I'm holding onto so tightly for 09. If I don't let go, I'll go crazy. I need to remember what I was like with 08. The thing is I can't remember at all. I don't have the faintest idea.

I must work on ensuring that I don't get emotionally involved with 09. If not, die lah.

I also need to ensure that even though 09 may conjure up the past with 06, I should not be pushing 09 away or treating 09 unfairly. I should not be putting up walls or I don't know. I need to be the same person to 09 as I have been to 08. I need to be pally with 09 and nothing more. Else, it will be a second spiral downhill and I don't think I have the time to handle it, nor the energy. I don't think I will then have what it takes to get back up again.

Maybe what had happened with 06 will not happen with 09 as 09 is too too busy. Don't know why 06 was super duper free and I was rather free too. Deadly combination.

I just need to distance myself from 09, to protect myself and my heart. And at the same time, be the same person I had been to 08, to 09.

Unconscious remark

When 001 had mentioned that remark, it was an unconscious one. It was only when I brought up the issue of 06, then upon further reflection, I was like that with 06. I had the same expression with 06. I thought I do have that expression with the rest as well, even with 001.

ARGH !!!!

History

I cannot afford to let history repeat itself. It will be disastrous to not have learnt my lesson. Why do I light up when I meet 09? Why do I get excited when I meet 09? I had looked forward to meeting up to 08. I'd enjoyed those sessions with 08. Perhaps 08 was more pally and thus such emotions were not evoked. There are so many similarities between 09 and 06 that I fear what will happen next.

The only thing I can do as advised by a dear friend is to be more aware and to draw the lines very clearly. With 08, there was no need for such lines as 08 is very different from 09.

I guess that the difference between 08 and 09 is that I get excited and I do light up with 09. Yes, I do have a grin with 08 but with 09, it is very very different.

Sigh...

Stunned

So much info revealed today and many things to reflect on

1) Stunned with the shocking news. I thought issues had been sorted out. Things appeared to be all right and happier. Have I lost touch and connection? It really pains me to imagine the absence.

2) Didn't handle that issue well. Jumped too quickly. Didn't control my emotions better.

3) There are more similarities between 09 and 06 than between 08 and 06. Both have the same birth order. Some slight friction and perhaps frustration earlier on. Recognize the strong headedness, frankness and the caring manner. Was completely thrown off when 001 had said that remark. Was stunned. I wonder if 001 is seeing that I am about to go down the same path again. I am worried that I will repeat my mistakes. Or worse still, cos of the perception that 09 is similar to 06, my wall comes up and I then become unfair in my treatment. 001 had remarked that 09 has a much better heart than 06, much better. 08 was completely different. Sometimes I wonder how bad is the heart of 06. Was it really that bad? I need to figure out to ensure that the mistakes are not repeated.

Are you away

I sure hope that you are away. If not, I will feel that my actions were really foolish.

I wish you had been there on Sunday. I wanted you to be proud of me. I don't know why I'd wanted that. Perhaps it was to prove to you that I'd moved along fine without you. I don't know.

Feedback

It was interesting to hear the feedback that had been given to me during the car ride just now. I really don't think I am such a wonderful person.

It was a fun car ride :)

I still cant believe it

I still can't believe it that
- the SPC oral ppt had gone really well. I'd received numerous compliments of "Well done" from both my colleagues and non-colleagues. I had received feedback that I was confident throughout the whole session and that I had been "tzai", ie damn good during the ppt.
- the kaizen ppt during the admin meeting had gone really well too. CEO had praised compliments of what pharmacy had done and COO had also personally come up to me to say "Well done"

I am still reeling from that happiness ... Really really happy.

This shows that I have what it takes to be excellent. I am capable of achieving things. My only barrier is myself.

I am still very very happy

This week

This week has been a really really STRESSFUL week. 2 highly stressful presentations, one on Friday and one on Sunday. Cracked my head to ensure that the presentations were good and clear.

The one on Friday went really well.

The one on Sunday went well too. Quite a number came up to me and said to me "Well done !" Really happy to hear the comments. Other comments included "Eloquent" "Confident" "Handled the questions well" "Professional". Am really really really happy with how it turned out. The oral presentation went 2nd prize!! Yay !!! Such happiness. I was already very happy when I'd ended and had received the compliments ! :)

I wouldn't say that it has been an easy week. It has been highly challenging. Broke down a few times prior to this week. Am only glad that my hard efforts had paid off.

Even though I didn't win the first prize, I am happy with myself. I have given it my best. Perhaps this is the lesson for me .. to always give my best. The outcome is secondary. Had I not given my best, I would have wondered what if. There is nothing I would want to change as to how I'd prepared for this. I gave it my all, if not more.

Hope to get a good sleep tonight.

Getting along well

I am glad that I am getting along well with the current one. Even Ad had mentioned that she sees me bonding with the current one. I find that I click really well with the current one too. It's been so much fun and enjoyable. This is one of the things that keep me going.

On cloud 9

Since by the time I am writing this, it is already Saturday, I will mention that I was happy yesterday. Really really happy. I feel that my hard work into preparing for the presentation of the kaizen at admin meeting had paid off. CEO had complimented pharmacy several times during this meeting about using Skype for CE with JMC Pharmacy staff and had mentioned that this technology had been put to good use. Really happy that he complimented several times. He had also praised the laptop ordering of meds. Am glad that am able to make boss look good ... look really good :)

After admin meeting had ended, COO had then come up to me and said "Shakira, well done" ... Wah ... I was elated to have received this compliments personally from COO. Really really happy.

To end the day, I had received an electronic card from you. I was really happy at that point in time. However when I looked at the card again, I was like okay, no big deal, so what. Maybe it has finally sunk in for me that I will always want more than you. Remember the MSN incident. Remember the many past incidents. I will push and want for more from you and that will never happen. Friendship between us is not possible as it really is not worth my while to pursue the friendship. When I reflect on what I have given and received from the rest, it is a whole lot from the rest. I wish you all the best.

Am really happy that the CE with Skype kaizen ppt had received compliments from CEO, COO and of course boss :)

I ABSOLUTELY HATE IT !!

I absolutely hate it ! How did it get to this state, whereby I'm running around like a headless chicken? How do I motivate myself to keep going? My battery has gone flat and I don't know how to re-charge it. I feel like screwing up my life but I know that it will never happen.

I hate it that
1) Work is piling up like crazy. I must be terribly poor in time management. I have lost sight of the big picture. I don't know why I am doing this any longer.
2) I still think of you. I still care about you. I never stopped loving you. ARGH !!! Why must this be so? Why am I holding on so tightly to you? Sigh ...

The current one is a little similar to you, very very caring. I need to be careful, to distance myself.

Reality

I have not stopped loving you. The pain is definitely a lot less nowadays as compared to the emotional turmoil of the past. I know that you're happier with where you are now. I don't think you'd be happy if you'd stayed on.

I have to accept the fact that I still care for you and to care for you from afar as we will never be together.

I need to move on with my life.

I want to move on.

Yes, other things are keeping me occupied. It has yet to stop me from completely thinking about you. I don't think I will ever forget the past.

I want to embrace the past and accept that it is part of me, instead of wishing it never happened. It was a good thing that it happened as I know what happiness means. To spend time with someone I care about. I want to accept that it can never happen for us.

I want to find other alternatives.

What will happen next Sunday?

A part of me is looking forward to next Saturday and Sunday. I hope to run into you. I don't know if it's for the right reasons. Maybe I just want to see you. Maybe I want to see if I can pass the test. For all I know, you didn't sign up. I need to remember the recent dinner that I had with you.

We have become strangers and there is no basis for the friendship.

I am also nervous as I will be presenting the oral presentation. The preparation for this short presentation has taken years of my life. Sigh ! Am excited but am also scared. All that I have to do is think through it. I know I can do it ! Come on !!!

Letting go

I should just let everything go. I am holding on so tightly that it is driving me nuts and I think it's driving everybody nuts. I am so tired. I should just stop caring.

I am thinking too much.

I need to just let go. You can just do whatever you want already. I don't want to feedback. I don't want to say anything anymore. I am freaking freaking tired.

Each time I think of the name, I get angry. I get so pissed that forget it. Not worth my time and effort. I don't want and I don't need such crap.

Getting better

Maybe I am getting better. I know that it can never happen. I am so occupied with other things that I think of you less.

I don't know how to handle the other one. I will push and see what happens. Things happen for the right reason. Let's see what the future unfolds.

Advice

Things to do
1. Drink as minimal coffee
2. Cut off ties as we can never be friends

House

Quotes from House

"I thought that things would change after the meeting. However it felt like we were strangers. What an anti-climax." - How true.

At least, things didn't get worse. It has gotten better, I think.

We can never be friends.

ARGH !!!

ARGH !!! Just kill me now ... There's so many things to do ... so many ... so many ... I don't know where to start .... Truly ... I really dont ... ARGH !!!!!

To make things worse, I am really tired now. I just want to sleep. I just want to run away ... from reality.

I want to take e leave !!!

Don't know

I don't know what to do, how to feel, what to react, what to do next. I hope my next course of action is the right one. I don't know. I am at a loss. A part of me wants to give it another go. A part of me wants to just let this go and find an alternative.

I am at a loss.

When I look at the outstanding things to do, I have no idea where to start and what to do. I feel damn urgh right now. Damn damn urgh!

On a different note, I feel that I didn't handle it well. I should have been nicer.

Sigh ...

Uber pissed

I am damn damn damn pissed. Super duper irritated !!!

AARRRGGHH !!! If it's for this kinda thing, chase like hell. If it's for other things, slack like crazy.

Bloody hell !!! Bloody hell !!!!

Damn Damn Damn pissed !!!!!

Inspired

I was inspired to have read it. I cannot screw up.

I am glad that our paths have crossed :)

Looks manageable! Looks promising! :)

Have I lost touch

I was surprised to hear it once again. I had thought that things were going well. Today just seemed like a bad day. Hopefully it is just one of those days. I hope it will not happen.

Have I also been less sensitive? Have I been more selfish till I couldn't detect it? Am I that self-absorbed?

One of the stuff that had happened today made me wonder. I know that it would have been the same with you. And I would have been so caught .. so so caught in the middle. Given my state of mind with your presence, I would have made the wrong decision. I am so glad things have turned out the way they have turned out.

I have one to handle, perhaps a little less than you ... maybe because I couldn't handle you at all as I was so blinded.

I am glad for the current situation as it means I no longer have to go the past. The past with bittersweet memories.

I need to keep remembering the whole package. And that life has moved on .

How is it ...

How is it that the closeness we once shared over the couple of years disappeared over night? I can imagine asking you out for dinner again. It will be something like this "Are u available for dinner?" We then meet up and I don't know what to say. I will be at a loss for words. What had happened? Is there really nothing?

I wonder why is it that my dear friend could tell me much early on that it is not possible for us to be friends. It is still true today. I wonder if it is ever possible for us to be friends. Maybe I will always want more from you ... more than what you will be ready to give ... I have been reading your recent blogs ... I wonder if you have found someone. Good if you have. I just hope it's not C. If it is, I will be terribly upset as I will wonder why is it that I am not good enough for you.

I still wish that you miss me ...

Not looking foward

I am so not looking forward to tomorrow. It is going to be damn troublesome. ARGH !!! So irritating!!! I think it's just too much ... ARGH !!!!

I really don't want to go back to work tomorrow. I will arrive promptly and leave promptly as it's going to be freaking irritating ...

Another part that I don't want to handle is how to manage or handle someone ... A part of me is saying " Just do whatever already. I dont give a freaking damn. I don't care. I don't wanna care." Why should I care for this person? Why should I care anymore actually?

I thought that I had sorted out all my issues. I thought I had figured things out. ARGH !!!

I hate it when this person acts all so "cutesy". Oh .. give me a break .. Cut out the freaking act !! Bloody hell !!!! ARGH !!!!!

Shocked

I am still shocked with the reality. We have drifted apart and we have nothing in common. There is no basis for the friendship. I can't believe that the conclusion is that it is not possible for me to be friends with you.

Take care

Please help me take care of her as I will no longer be around for her.

The dinner

As you sat opposite me during dinner, I kept looking at you. A part of me felt normal. A bigger part of me felt that it was not possible for us to be friends. I don't know if we were friends from the start. Perhaps I was so smitten by you. When I reflect on the friendships that I have and I compare that with what I have with you, it is worlds apart. I thought I could be friends with you but having dinner with you that day just re-inforced the conclusion that that can never happen. It is amazing though that a dear friend had told me this much earlier on, during the very very early days of recovery. When I'd shared with her about my conclusion, she'd reminded me that she'd already told me that from the beginning but I'd refused to believe her.

Why did I get so emotionally involved with you? How did it happen?

Sometimes I feel that I've been used.

Drifted apart

We have drifted apart. I didn't think that it would be such a stark contrast. When I meet up with my uni friends, we have many things to catch up on. When I meet up with those whom I've not met up for a while, it feels normal. When I had dinner with you just now, I remembered being anxious, being afraid that you will scold me as I was wasting your time. I was also nervous yet I was looking forward to having the dinner with you. All the emotions were mixed. I was just so fed up with life and didn't think that having dinner with you will make things any worse than they are already. If anything, it would brighten it up.

However after dinner, I realise that we have nothing in common at all. Nothing. It felt weird, normal, I don't know. I do know that we have drifted apart. Having dinner was good as it forced me to see reality for what it is, rather than what I'd imagined it to be, thinking that it was still the good old days.

The past has long gone. I need to do something with the present, to have a better future.

I don't know if I have what it takes to handle the present.

I'd asked a good friend if it would have been better if you'd stayed. The reply was that I would have been worse off as the emotions would have been a major roller coaster. When we were conversing during dinner just now, I knew that I didn't have what it takes to handle you. I would have been in a terribly tight and difficult position if you'd stayed on.

Tough ones

It is interesting that both of you have the same surnames. Why do I always choose the tough ones? Am I out to prove myself that I am only good at failing? All that my dear friend had said last night was all true. All true. I will not give up on a tough challenge. After all, I knew that you were a tough nut to crack. I was determined to decode you at all costs. I went all the way. And I got hurt in the end due to the emotional entanglement. I remembered telling myself that if I can't have something, all the more I want it and will do anything to get it. Right now, I feel like I don't want it. I want to give up.

I know that there are many layers to this one too. I don't know if it's more or less than you. To unpeel the layers, it will take effort. The immediate thoughts that come to mind is that when I'd tried to understand you, I remembered the journey and I remember the pain as though it was only yesterday. I still feel the pain and remember it so vividly. It still freaking HURTS!!!!

I feel like walking away from everything right now. Maybe walking will not suffice. I need to RUN AWAY !

I GIVE UP

I give up !!! I give up !!! I freaking give up !! I dont want to do this anymore. I am freaking tired !! Freaking tired.

The start to the weekend sucks ... I was told of some horrible news.

Facebook

As I'd keyed in your name in my friends list in facebook, it prompted that I had no friends that contain such a name. How apt. I have no such friends.

Friends don't hurt each other. I am not saying that you are hurting me. It has been proven time and again that there is no way that we can be friends as I will always want more. Given that I've cared so much for so long, it will be a long time before I feel nothing at all.

Sigh ! ARGH !!!

I wish I could turn off the feelings just like that. It freaking hurts.

Wonderful

It has been a wonderful day. It has been peaceful. I am thankful. I have also received many well wishes.

I have many things to be thankful for. I should stop wishing for what I don't have.

I was so touched by sister's gesture. It was so sweet. When I read her card, I was on the verge of tears. Really touched :)

Still on the lookout

I am still on the look out for your SMS or any surprises from you. If I can accept that it does not happen from a dear friend, I should accept the same thing from you. I don't know why I still feel that it should be different for you.

I don't know if you truly forgot or if you feel that you should not sms me. However I don't think it's the latter based on what has happened in the past. It is most a likely a case whereby it just does not fit into your schedule.

Sigh ... I don't know why it is so difficult to let you go. Perhaps I don't think anything better can possibly happen for me.

It sucks

It sucks !!! I really don't want to to do this anymore. I can't be a mentor - I am terrible at it. I am terrible dealing with emotions of others - that's why I am numb. ARGH !!! I can't handle this anymore. I handled the situation poorly just now. I just feel like screaming my head off. I just feel like I'm a ranting and raving lunatic !!!

And at the back of my mind, I just want to meet up with you. I should have looked you up. So what if you'd turned me down? So what? Screw the consequences !!! Screw them !!! After all, you'd turned me down so many times that one more would not hurt anymore. It freaking hurts !!!

Analogy to quit smoking

I find my predicament so analogous to quit smoking .. I need to find a date to decide to quit and focus on that. Get rid of everything that reminds me of you. The nicotine patches will be work, family and friends. I am almost there. Almost. It is within grasp. Even my dear friend was confident that I would have gotten over it by now ... I blame the flowers.

I need to remember that things happen for a good reason. It was a good thing that you didnt stay on. Had you stayed, I would have lost things that matter to me - my friends, my family and my work. I am so sure of it. I was so blinded by you that nothing else mattered. You were the centre of my universe.

I know that you are also in a better place. I know that you weren't too happy either. It's a win-win situation. You're happy and I'm better off without you in my life.

I need to cut off total contact for AT LEAST one year or two .. I know that it is not determined by the duration. I need to stop thinking about wanting to look you up tomorrow. If we happen to meet, that is by chance. Nothing I can do about that.

Push out these thoughts

I need to push out these thoughts ... Thoughts of meeting up with you ... of having dinner with you .. of catching up with you .. of looking you up tomorrow ...

You are still the first person I think of .... ARGH !!!

I need to focus on other things

What will happen?

I wish I could meet up with you tomorrow. I just feel like looking you up tomorrow. Of course, I'm assuming you're still there. Sigh. I wish the part of me that remembers the lousy days is stronger and louder. I need to remember the painful days of sorrow. I need to remember the day when I said that I needed a time out. I need to remember the pain as you left that night, the pain as you walked out the door, which was your last day. I no longer have such lows. I need to remember the craziness of being so blinded that I didn't see anything else.

I wish you would walk up to me to ask me if I'm free. I know that that will never happen.

In my fantasy world, I will get royce chocs and a very pretty and bouquet of flowers from you.

ARGH !!!! I JUST WANT TO LOOK FOR YOU TOMORROW !!!!

Things do happen for a reason

Things do happen for a reason ... and for a GOOD reason .... It has been very hard for me to accept that you decided to leave and not take up the position. I felt betrayed and rejected. Now that the additional has come in and what is required of me to function in this new role, it is going to take a lot. I am glad that we are not friends as I can just speak my mind as it is without caring about losing the friendship. I am glad that I decided to tell off. I would not have been able to do that to you. I would be so torn and so afraid. I would be afraid that I would lose your friendship and my friendship with the rest and my place as well. I still remember the incident and I defended you blindly. I know that I will continue to get worse.

I am glad that you left. I need to keep remembering the picture.

I am glad I stood my ground and was firm for the instance.

I feel really proud of myself. I am really happy.

I don't give a damn if the feelings are hurt. I know that what I am asking for is fair and reasonable.

Totoro

A close friend remembered my story whereby I'd shared about losing Totoro. She remembered and got it for me! I was so touched and really really really happy!! :)

Source of pain

The source of pain has been identified. Is it worthwhile to hang on? I have learnt that I should remove the source of pain to be happy. Should I just go like that?

I am damn frustrated and damn pissed. ARGH !!!! It has been a terrible weekend !!!!

ARRGH!!!

What's new

I read your latest blog entry. I wonder if you have found your soul mate.

Stunned

I am stunned. I don't know what to make of it. I don't know what I want anymore. I don't know what to do.

On a separate note, I need to remember the whole picture. I need to remember the pain and the happiness. It was not pure bliss during those days. Interesting that the songs by Click 5 can be related to you.

I need to stop wondering.

If only

I wonder what it means. I don't think you are referring to me. I don't have such an effect on you.

I wonder.

I need to stop wondering.

Unbelievable

The reply I got to "Hey Hey! :)" was "yup?" Bloody hell !!! I really need to remember the pain before I go back to doing this. I need to remember the lows. I only remember the happiness right now.

I need to be more open about the possibilities. I need to remember the peace and how I got on along fine with my life with your absence. I need to get used to that serenity.

Have yet to get up

How irritating can this get? I had attempted to go jogging this evening. The weather was marvellous. However I just could not focus and I could not complete it. It was an extremely feeble attempt. I am upset with myself. I only remembered thinking to myself how much I just did not want to do it.

I don't want to jog. I don't want to do this anymore. I just want to quit. i want to quit.

I had imagined tendering my resignation.

I need and I want to stop living in regrets. I remembered what was told to me. To stop living in regrets, one must be open to possibilities.

I remembered the MSN encounter. You'd just sent an emoticon and I'd replied with so many things. Looking back, it had been like that more often than not. I need to remember the pain and the lows and the efforts that I'd put in to get out of the cycle. I need to remember the peace and quiet internally. Right now, I can only remember the happiness.

I remembered the elation when you'd sent me that emoticon on MSN. It was endearing touch to me. I remembered grinning like an idiot. My thoughts then raced very very quickly, like you were going to ask me to dinner and all that. Alas it didn't happen. The happiness had been shortlived. I need to remember that. I need to remember why I am doing this. Such happiness cannot last forever.

I WANT TO GET OUT OF THIS PHASE !!!! ARGH !!!

Why am I still doing this?

I wonder why I am still doing this. Is this what I want? Really? Am I just too lazy to look around or am I truly happy doing this?

Not much has changed since 3 years ago.

Is this what I really want? Is this how I had envisioned my life to be?

Closing doors

3 strikes and you're out. I know your reasons are valid. Yes, I am being petty but I don't give a damn. I am sick and tired of asking already.
1) The door has been left open - I had mentioned that when you're available we could meet up to catch up. I know that you're busy but given the fact that you could have dinner with others but not me just says it all
2) Invitation sent out in advance, seeking availability - You did not want to make it possible
3) Spontaneous invitation - Yes, you are busy.

I get it ... I FREAKING get it ... You are one busy person.

The door is now closed.

I will NO LONGER ask. It ends now.

Moving forward, the only way to meet up is only if you ask, which I don't think will happen in my lifetime.

Deeply saddened

When I heard what was said last night, I had put up a brave front. What I had suspected was going to happen. I am still hoping against hope that a miracle will happen. Last night, when I kept waking up, I kept thinking if it was just a bad dream. Alas, it was not. The conversation had happened for real.

I really don't know what I am going to do. It hurts. It is just so painful.

I just want you, my dear friend, to be happy. I feel upset that it has gotten to this state.

I hope the right decision is being made.

Chat

A dear friend was chatting with me. A lot was said. It was nice being able to talk like that, even though I wasn't talking much. If only I had a crystal ball and I could see what the future holds. Each time I think about what is going to happen, I break down inside and tears start to fall. Now I've numbed myself such that I block out that picture, refusing to believe that it will become an eventual reality. As the day gets nearer, the more I block it out, such that I can run away from it all.

I hope and pray that the decision is being made for the right reasons.

I feel so empty.

Wave

The wave is coming again. The cycle begins once more. I am so IRRITATED!! IRRITATED!!!

I imagine you asking me if I am available to meet up and I will tell you that I am NOT FREE! I don't want to ask anymore. I am tired. I am not sure why you have yet to knock or to come in. I have closed the freaking door. The door is CLOSED!

When I saw that a friend was tagged, never did I imagine that it would be your album and that you were hanging out with them. I wonder when this was taken. I see that you were wearing the jacket and the watch too. I also see your good friend. Why am I not surprised.

The door is CLOSED.

Selection

Based on my circle of friends, you will never cut it to be a friend of mine. You will always be more than a friend to me. Given that, there is no point in thinking that I can ever be friends with you.

I am sorry but I don't think I will ever be able to be friends with you. I don't think I ever was.

Quote

Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day or a year, but eventually, it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever. - Lance Armstrong.

As I reflect on the past year, it is definitely less painful nowadays. The dark days are gone. I don't know why I want to revive those days. Am I that bored? Or that stupid? I know someone did say, it will take at least 2 years. I was shocked when I heard that. I didn't want to believe that. I thought I could get out of it fast. The thing is, I didn't want to put much effort into it. Recently I have focused on other things till that fateful day.

I need to focus on other things and continue on my path out of this mess. I am almost there. Almost.

Painful

I've left the door open but you've yet to come knocking.

I've invited you to come in but you're not available. I know that it is not your priority to make it possible. You don't want to make it possible.

It hurts that I want it more than you.

I need my pride. I will stop asking. I feel like closing the door but it seems too petty.

Starting again

It is starting all over again. Sigh ... I absolutely hate it that I want this more than you do. I had imagined myself telling you that I wasn't going jogging in the evening. In the end, it was you telling me that you couldn't make it. I hated it that I am being "rejected". I will stop asking.

I feel like giving up on everything right now, everything ... NOTHING matters anymore.

I can feel the anger and hate building up again. It sucks ... I just feel like screaming at you!!!

ARGH !!!! DAMN YOU !!!

Tomorrow

I wonder what will happen tomorow.

I can't believe that the weekend has zoomed by just like that once again. It was a hot hot day today though :(

Glimpse

It was nice to catch a glimpse of you again. This can only mean one thing that I am still not ready. I need to control myself better.

1) Review the information
2) Decide
3) NEVER look back

Uncertainty

When I'd gone jogging this morning, it was tough. I could not even complete half of it non-stop. I know that it is just excuses but QUITTING was just so strong and I just stopped. Despite this, I must say that the day went well. Did a fair bit of things. Went cycling at the end of the day. Managed to push myself. Am glad !

I want to push myself for the upcoming JP Morgan Run :)

Response

I wonder if a response will follow suit. Oh well, I have tried. If there is no response, it indicates lack of availability. Either that or it's due to unreadiness, perhaps on both parties. I need to find another option.

Reading it

I keep reading it over and over again. I cannot imagine the absence. It will be too painful. I seriously hope and pray that it is not what I think it is. Please let it not be so.

I know that I will be lost. It will be a great loss if it truly happens. Please let the reasons be revealed soon.

There are so many questions now.

Surreal

I still remember that day when I was told of the news from the horse's mouth. It was like a final nail to the coffin. I was really really upset. I was crying my eyes out. I don't know how I managed to do what I did though. I felt that my reasons were selfish. I should have been happy instead. I should have been a bigger person.

I hope this does not repeat again ... Please let it NOT be so ... Please ...

What does it mean

Oh dear ... What does it mean? I hope my greatest fears will not become a reality. I have had too many of that happening of late. My dreams going up in smoke ... I do hope it is not what I think it may be. And if it is, then what?

When I imagine it to be what I think it may be, tears well up in my eyes. I don't think I can survive it. I cannot imagine it. Not at all.

AARGGHH !! I should not have read it. I should not have read it. I do hope it gets clearer soon.

If it really does come true, I will respect the decision. I will still be upset and sad though. I would be lost to be honest. I can feel the pain once again. Why is the heart getting louder than the brain nowadays?

I hope and pray that it is not what I think ... Please ... Please ... There must be another way out ...

Adding as a friend

A part of me wants to add you as a friend. I am hoping that when I do that, maybe you will see that as a signal that I am okay. I don't know. I am hoping that maybe if I do that, you will let me know when we can meet up to catch up.

Why is it that I want the friendship so badly? Is it even a friendship? Maybe things are so messed up and I don't want to handle work anymore that I just don't care.

Is it pathetic that I have left the door open and you have yet to step up to the door? Or is it pathetic that each day I am hoping and wondering when you will come by? I know it's the latter but nothing else comes to my mind right now.

I don't know what I am doing with my career. Is this what I want? Really? Is this what I am passionate about or am I just kidding myself?

ARGH !!!

I don't know if I will regret clicking 2x. My inner voice tells me that yes, I will regret it. Another part of me tells me that I have got nothing to lose.

I feel like breaking down ... I don't know if it's stress from work or stress from the silence.

I can't stand this any longer

I can't stand this any more. I am sick and tired of doing this. What is the purpose in doing all this? Is there any more joy? I see the many emails. I see what I need to follow-up on. I don't know what to follow-up on. I don't know what my focus should be. I just feel like screaming my lungs out. Without fail, I will feel like crap. I will feel that everything is beyond hope. I am so so tired. I don't know why I am thinking many times before adding you as a friend. I know that it will not suffice. Worse, I will know what you have been doing. I just want to meet up with you. I really feel like "Screw everything !!!!"
I am not following up on things fast enough. I don't know what I need to chase. I am really tired. I feel like I am on the verge of another breakdown. I cannot afford to feel like this every month. When I read the many emails, I feel suffocated. At the back of my mind, I am thinking of so many things. Am I that inefficient?

I feel like giving up.

Or so I thought

I have realised that what I wanted or am hankering after is not what I had truly wanted. I so desired the material world, including wealth. I have lost a significant amount of money due to pure laziness. I got over it in a matter of at most one day. Yes, it did come up once in a while but the money was already lost and there wasn't much I can do other than learn from my mistake and move on. I am now more vigilant and more careful.

However when you are no longer next to me and the days of companionship had left, I am still having trouble letting go of it. Years have passed and I still remember the past vividly. I keep pointing out to fast cars to a close friend and said that having one of those will make me happy. She had then asked me "Will you truly be happy?" I would like to answer yes. I know that the answer to that is actually no. I have experienced what it was like to be happy. A pity the relationship is not something that will materialise into something worth pursuing. If only things were different. At least I know that I am capable of caring for someone special. When you had sent me the roses and chocolates, I was ecstatic. Absolutely ECSTATIC !!

Matters of the heart are so painful.

Lunch

It was nice having lunch with a dear friend yesterday. It was a little like the good old times. The slight difference perhaps could be due to time or that I was not feeling too well and thus we weren't chatting much. I had enjoyed the lunch. It was nice and pleasant. I do miss the good old days when things were so much simpler.

Have yet to knock

I can't believe that you have yet to knock even though I have left the door open. How pathetic can this get? I will always want the friendship or companionship more than you do.

I have seen that there is more to life than just work. My life was filled by hanging out with you in the past and I just want to spend time doing non-work stuff. I am sure that I can cope with both personal and work.

I wonder when you will come knocking. Will you even knock?

I don't want to do this anymore

I don't want to do this anymore. Why? Why am I still doing this? I am so sick and tired of it all .... I want to give up.

It does not matter anymore.

AARRGGHH !!!!

What a contrast

Coincidentally you had a blog entry on the last day of March this year as well. What a contrast! Mine was titled Waiting Eagerly and yours was Chill Out. I have been waiting for you to reach me for a time to catch and there you were chilling out with another person. When my friend pointed out that starbuckes was also available at the hospital, I felt a little better. It was not like you had gone our per se. The table also looked like the outlet at the hospital.

I am upset that we have yet to meet up but there is nothing I can do about it. I need to stop looking at your blog.

I guess I just have to accept that you had the best of intentions when you had decided to send me the surprise that day. However that was not the wisest thing to do.

Right now, I wish there is more to my life than just work. I am so tempted to throw everything away such that we could just meet up. I need to have something more than work. I don't care the consequences anymore.

It feels odd that the dark dark days are long gone. I don't know why I would want to spend my life in misery.

Eagerly waiting

I have been waiting in anticipation to hear from you, to see an sms from you that says "Let's meet up for dinner. Are you free today?" I wonder if this will ever happen. I am still puzzled though that you are not jumping on the opportunity to meet up to catch up. Perhaps you don't see a need to as nothing has changed. I don't know.

I still remember the elation that I had felt when I had received the roses and chocolates. On a scale of 1 to 10, it was 100 for me. I don't deny that it was nice having you around. I need to find someone whom I can share my life with.

Frustrated

I am now pissed and frustrated. I don't know if this is triggered by your nonchalance.

I am really irritated.

I am so tempted to sms you to ask you why have you yet to tell me when you are available. Maybe this shows that I am not ready. If I have put the past behind, this should not matter anymore.

I am really urgh !!!

I just feel like smsing ... DAMN YOU !!! AARRRGGGHH !!!!

Dinner

I wonder if dinner will ever happen. I really thought that you would have jumped at the opportunity. Alas, I was wrong. I am not sure if you are busy or if you feel that you are not ready. Or perhaps I am not ready either.

I don't know.

I wish we could go jogging or swimming ...

Cookies

When I saw that you were using the watch that I had given you, I was surprised ... and touched. I wonder if it means anything. At the back of my mind, I wonder if you miss me. Knowing you, I don't think it means anything. Your other watches are probably not working or not with you. Or you just decided to use it for the fun of it. I know that you were also using this same watch when I had come by that day.

Oh well.

I thought that you would have been ecstatic when I'd told you that I've put the past behind. I've left my door open such that we can meet up. I am sad that you have yet to say anything. I am not sure why.

What an irony

It just hit me that it is an irony. A couple of years ago, I had bought for you chocolates for Friendship Day. Fast forward to the present, you had sent me chocolates on the 22nd Feb 2009.

How amusing.

Pain .. From a different source

I now know why I was dreading Friday so much. I thought that it was the meeting that was scheduled for that day. Thank goodness that the meeting went along fine. It was an explosion that was waiting to happen at the end of the day. It was painful to know that the picture that I had painted in my mind was the wrong picture to have. I should have painted the picture that had been painted to me several times. I had thought that in the big picture of things, the proposed solution was the answer as it had addressed the concerns of all parties. Yes, it came at the expense of something. I am glad that I had insisted that a decision and direction be made upon on that day. I know at the end of it I had gotten a scolding and it was painful to hear that I did not meet the very basic expectation. I am dreading TPM. It was good to hear the advice from whom the decision had to come from as well. We should just state our requirements and others state their requirements and IT should then solve the problem. However when I think about my role and that I am part IT, what does it mean then? I don't have the means to address such issues as it will be a technical issue.

The good thing that came out of this is that my boss now knows what I go through and why I feel like giving up the battle at times. I am really cornered in such situations.

I don't know how much longer I can hold on like this. The pain that I had felt due to this incident was the same pain that went straight to the heart when I realised that I had loved you and that you were no longer next to me. Why has work become so personal?

Whilst waiting to go for dinner, images of the past emerged and I remembered what it was like to feel happy. Those times were pure bliss. I wished time stopped 3 years ago, when work was manageable and you were in my life. I did think of calling you as I felt that I was already unhappy and even though I knew that you would not be able to make me happy anymore, I just felt like ruining my life and that it didn't matter any more.

I am glad that I had the support of a close friend and the day ended well in with a wonderful dinner that was way beyond reasonable.

Sundays

It is still not that easy on weekends, especially Sundays. I will still remember the Sundays that we had gone jogging, where I feel that you will push me to do better. I still have fond memories of the dinners that follow suit. With all these happy memories, I also remember the tension at times or awkwardness at my part and even anger too. I felt like yes, you were jogging next to me but I remembered wanting more. I think the last jog was one whereby I felt that I had pushed you away and that I was angry with you as you were no longer next to me.

I need to remember the whole picture and not just the happy moments as there were tough moments as well. Will I ever see you as a friend? I don't know.

Right now, I just feel like I want to go jogging with you and to just hang out with you. I want to have coffee and dinner with you.

It is getting better day by day but I am still not devoid of feelings for you.

Decision making

I wonder if I have made the right decision. The signature is there. I have been trusted. The question is do I trust myself?

Doubting my capabilities keep coming up.

I can do anything once I put my mind to it.

Don't look back

Don't look back.

I just have to keep working at it and to keep moving on.

How people manage to move on so quickly is based on how committed they are to want to move on. I know I can do whatever I want to once I set my mind to it.

I want to set my mind to letting go of the past.

Still shaking

When I saw you as I was about to leave, I had tried to make eye contact with you and to just have a pleasant encounter. I had smiled at you and acknowledged your presence. However you either seemed to see right through me or you were surprised to see me or you were just angry with something that had happened at work and just didn't see me.

I was then asked by a close dear friend if I was okay. I am glad that I had told her of the recent incident. I am thankful to hear the feedback that I am no longer moping around. When I heard that, I see it as a sign of moving forward. Yes, there have been times when my head is just clouded and I am not thinking properly. However, I never execute the plan of wanting to meet up with you. So I feel that this does say something.

I know I was hanging around as the other two were coming. The main intention was to see you and to talk to you and to be near you. However I remembered what I had said in my earlier conversation. Based on that and I knew the state that I was in, if I just spoke to you to find out how you are, I would be caring too much about you and I will have to pick up the pieces again. And I didn't want that. I felt that I was getting a little better after the recent event and I didn't want to go back those few steps.

As we were about to leave the place and dinner was suggested, I was praying very hard that you will not come along. I am glad you didn't as it would have been awkward. I don't deny that I was disappointed. However I knew that it was better this way. Even as we were talking to your good friend and you were around and chatting with the other two slightly, I don't know why you didn't even look in my direction at all. I find it odd given the recent incident. Maybe you were pissed off at work. When I saw you and you were wearing the jacket that I had given you, I remembered my heart beating very very fast. I could even feel the heart beating away quickly. I was excited and all that. I wish I didn't feel that way. I wish I could control my feelings. Alas this is something not within my means. What I can do is to keep on moving and stop harbouring any hopes of us getting back to the level of the past.

When I heard that your good friend had dinner and donut, I knew that you had bought it for her. When she'd also said that she must "report" back to how the dinner was like, all the more I knew that you had bought it for her. I remember what it was like when you had gotten me the drink during the early days.

I don't deny the nice feelings then but I also realise that this is the past. My present does not have you in my life. Maybe in the future, I will allow you to be back in. This can only happen when I don't feel anything.

It was nice seeing you again.

Moving on

A dear friend had told me that she could sense the difference and that I am no longer moping around. I am glad that we had had the chance to run into you and she had then asked me if I was okay. I was touched. I am thankful that I had told her of the recent incident. She had even told me that she was confident that I would be okay by now.

You are the first

You are the first

.. whom I had opened up to
.. whom I had fallen for
.. whom I am now trying to get over
.. to have sent me roses and chocs

Nightmare ... Reality

I had a nightmare that night. The images of you and your good friend kept appearing. Whenever I saw you, your good friend was always next to you. It ended off with the hands from both of you were inter-twined. I had then immediately woken up. I don't know if the last part was ever true. However the part of your good friend being next to you is a reality. I am no longer beside you.

It hurts ... It hurts ...

Why did I allow my heart to be broken by you?

Roses

The roses are beginning to change colour. I am upset that I cannot maintain them. I still remember when they were first delivered to my place. They were so beautiful and the colours were vibrant. They are now fading away. I wish that moment could be frozen in time and not fade away and move on. I wish that my moments with you could be forever. Right now, I miss you so much and I want to see you again. Screw the efforts and the past. I really don't care anymore. I just want to see you. If only you are available.

When I realised that I still love you and still miss you, it hurts so badly.

Your blog

When I read the entry on your blog, I thought that the reason for your apology was something deep. I thought that you were deeply sorry. However when you'd smsed me to explain, it was not what I had imagined. Maybe the environment was not right. After all, it was only via sms. How much can I tell from an SMS? I feel like I want to pursue this further. I want to know what lies beneath all those layers. I remember what someone had told me. It is not worth my while to do so.

Right now, I feel that I cannot be bothered with you anymore. Whatever ...

Realization

I realize that I am still hoping for more from you. And that I still have feelings for you. Maybe I am a little better. However I don't deny that I still love you. You will always be that special someone in my heart.

What a joke

Here I was fretting away about the meaning and the intention and the many other questions that came to mind. The purpose of the apology was because I was angry. You just thought that it will be a nice gesture to brighten up my day.
Once again, you have proven to me that you will only do things that you deem fit. This happens to be one of the things that fit into your schedule, so not much of an issue for you.
Maybe I have yet to figure you out, despite having spent much time with you. My apologies.
All these points to the fact that the ROI is not worthwhile to pursue further. There are others who have been with me through thick and thin.

That is not enough

I am seething with anger now. What has been done is not enough. Maybe it is just one of the things you have in mind. I don't know. I don't know what it will take. Maybe the apology is not even intended for me. I don't know.

AARRGGHH !!!!!

Anger

26th Feb 2009

I am angry!! I am angry!! I am angry!!! I am too tired to be angry. The same questions and emotions are evoked. I feel anger, hurt and pain after the initial short-lived elation. I blame you for the mess I am in. I wish I can control my feelings but I can’t. I can’t help the way I feel. Why did you have to re-appear in my life like that? Why did you sound so endearing over the phone? Why couldn’t you have remained someone who has been cold to me since? By sending me the roses and chocs, is this enough? It has been proven time and again that you will only do things that you deem fit. I still remember what you said to me. Perhaps you are now apologizing for that. Is that enough?

I feel like screaming in your face and to tell you to just leave me alone. The irony is that I want to see you so badly now. It hurts. It freaking hurts. I just wish that the tears would come and then I can move on. I don’t know why I am holding back.

I feel like screaming at you that the next time you want to apologize, just don’t re-appear in my life ever again !!

I hate you !! I hate you !! I hate you !!

Why do I get so emotional with you? I have spent 2 years of my life “with” you. I don’t know how long it will take for me to get over you.

I am tired of spending my time, energy and emotions on you. Please just leave me alone.

I know that all that you did was to send me the roses and chocs. I had persisted with the smses and calls. Please just never ever contact me again. Not in any way. Maybe in ten years’ time I will be fine.

Not again

When work got tough for me, I know that having you in my life will not make it any better any happier.

After you'd sent me the roses and chocs, I am now back in the old spot whereby I feel that having you in my life will make things so much better.

I am yearning for you so much now.

I miss you.

Identity revealed

I am glad that you had picked up the call on Monday morning. It was nice to hear from you again. I am thankful I could talk to you in a friendly manner. It sounded like you had a lot to handle that day. Hope that you are all right. I am sure you are capable of handling what you needed to get done.

What constitutes an apology? Action speaks louder than words. Are those sufficient? Right now, I just feel like I really don't care about my efforts put in already. I just want to meet up with you.

However a part of me is angry with you for showing up in my life like that. It also feels strange that you are apologizing to me. I am assuming that you are. Unless you are apologizing to someone else. I don't think I will ever completely let go.

Wonderful surprise

What a way to start the day! I had a wonderful surprise this morning. Someone had sent me chocs and flowers. It was a sweet gesture. Now I just need to know who is the sender.

So many questions running through my head?
- what is the intention?
- why now?
- what happened?
- are u apologizing to me? if yes, for what? what did u do wrong?
- did something happen at your end?
- are you all right?
- what is the meaning of this gesture?
- why arent you picking up the calls?
- why arent you replying to my sms?

ARGH! Now I am irritated as I am not able to confirm if you are the sender. Irritating ..

I remembered grinning from ear to ear though in the morning. I kept reading and re-reading the card to ensure that it was meant for me and not someone else.

I have this feeling that you are the sender. If you are, then I hope you reveal your identity soon.

I didnt have the ending I'd imagined.

I hope all will be revealed soon.

Feeling better

I am glad that I am feeling much better now. The week had started out terribly and I was just in pain. I had never felt that way before. I feel bad to have displayed my anger so outwardly on Wednesday. I vow to never be like that anymore. I need to remind myself of the blessings in my life. I realize that I have spent my days dreading tomorrow and it was terrible. I just need to enjoy my days one day at a time.

Interesting blog

I had read you blog. I wonder if you have messed up with your good friend and that's why the blog. Or is it just put up with no reason? A part of me wished that it was directed at me. I know it's wishful thinking as I have never been a major part of your life though you were a huge part of mine. Oh well... Maybe you had made a mess of things with any of your other friends. I don't know.

Anyway I hope you have made it up with your friend if you had indeed messed up. Or maybe that was just put up with no reason behind it.

Where is the light

Dear boss,

I give up. I freaking give up. I really don't know how much longer I can continue like this anymore. I cannot believe that I feel miserable when I am on leave. I thought taking a day off would help matters. Instead, I don't feel any better. I don't know what it will take to feel better anymore. I actually broke down today. I feel that I have gone beyond the deformation point. I am disillusioned and I am freaking tired.

Thank you for your patience and coaching me. Unfortunately I don't think I can contribute anymore. There is no way I can be a helpdesk and still prepare for the future plans.

Thank you once again.

Yours sincerely,

How do I press on

Right now, it is very hard to see what I can do to press on. Each time, the feelings of giving up keep returning very quickly. I am not drowning. I have drowned and sunk to the bottom that I don't even know if I can come up for air anymore. I really don't know how to manage.

Sometimes, I feel like I am supposed to solve everyone's problems. Yes, to a certain extent. There is however only one of me. I really feel like giving up.

I feel like I am on the verge of a breakdown.

Emotions

I miss being a robot, where I don't feel angry, I don't feel pain and I don't feel the hurt. Right now there is no happiness to feel so it sure feels like being a robot is best.

Moments of happiness have been long gone. I cannot even remember what it feels like.

Big picture

What is the big picture for me? What are the pieces I need to let go? What do I live for? What do I die for?

Recently there have been many issues that have occurred. One after another, the issues kept on coming. I don't know if I have what it takes to hang on anymore. Previously, I could fall back on the delusion that you will make me happy. Now, I'm like, that will so not work. Maybe I am moving on in this aspect.

I am really tired though. I don't know what to fight for anymore or if the fight is even worth while.

What will make me happy?

Good start to the month

Had gone jogging last Sunday. Despite the fact that the iPOD had run out of battery, I had managed to jog the intended distance completely and not at too slow a pace I feel. I felt good that day! I had also completed reading the book that a close friend had lent me. It was an enjoyable read.

I felt that I had started the month off well and had come out of the rut that I was stuck in.

I also hope that my yearnings for the past has decreased tremendously. I don't know. I still miss you once in a while but I feel a whole lot better.

I should have just told you way in the beginning that there was no way that I could be friends with you. It would have been too difficult and painful. Now I fully understand the reason why. It makes so much sense now why I had felt that way. You are a whole lot more than just a friend to me. Oh well, I enjoyed the companionship.

Sometimes, I still wonder. It could be the ego talking but oh well.

It is still not easy but it is a lot better. Much better.