Dragonboating - An Exhilarating Experience

Went dragonboating yesterday. What a thrilling experience! :) I had so much fun and was grinning from ear to ear. Even though I am now aching, I have no regrets at all. It was truly great fun! To be able to see the skyline from that view .. To be able to see the Singapore Flyer from that angle ... Wow!! Happiness. It felt like I was overseas. All these treasures within reach. I am contented and happy. A great family, wonderful friends and coupled with an exciting experience. Happiness!

I am grateful and happy! Each day is a joyous moment filled with many wonderful things. Happiness oozing out of every pore within me. It has been awhile since I felt this way. What goes down must come up. I am glad that I am on the way up.

Things do happen for a reason

Someone had shared about some events. This sharing had emphasized to me once again that things do happen for a reason. Prior to this, I had always asked why did events not turn out to the way I wanted. I kept asking why. I am now glad and firmly believe once again that things do happen for a reason, and a good reason at that. I am glad and thankful for the way events have turned out. I just need to have patience to allow the events to unfold. Had I wanted it to happen in my way, which I thought was better, I am sure there would have been many more issues and I will actually be worse off.

I am truly thankful that things have turned out this way.

Reflections

I know that it is perhaps strange to reflect on the year of 2007 now. When I look back on the year that has passed, I am amazed about the events that have shaped the year of 2007. The year has truly been great! With so many achievements and so many things I never thought possible actually came true.

I am thankful for the many wonderful things that have happened. I am grateful for the support rendered by friends in helping me see through the darkest period of my life. I appreciate the company of my friends when we meet up and hang out. I have taken so many things for granted. I have come to realize that there are so many things that I am grateful for. For the tough and challenging happenings, I have come out a stronger person. I feel more at peace with myself now. I feel that I have learnt to let go things that are not so important. I have learnt to appreciate the things that I have in life. To wake up each day is something I am thankful for, to make today even better than yesterday.

I am glad that things are looking up and are improving. I hope and pray that 2008 will be a better year.

Emotions

It is amazing how emotions can cloud one's judgement. Having a few days' break in between to think things through and to just focus on other things, to focus on happy things and to focus on things one should be grateful for. Thank goodness for the restraint. Even though the seconds seemed like eternity, time fortunately does move on. I hope the air will clear soon. I hope and I pray.

Suppression

It's driving me crazy that I have not told you how I felt about lunch that day. I feel like calling you up and telling you what I think of it. However each time I imagine how I am going about to do it, I see it being confrontational. I do not want it to be a confrontation. You must have had your reasons for saying what you said. Still, I feel that they're not justified. They were just so stinging and hurtful. That's what I think and feel.
It took a lot of restraint from me to not kick up a big fuss. I pretended that what you said didn't matter. I allowed the remarks to slide. I didn't want to spoil the festive season. After all, I'm sure you didn't want to be where you were also. What is the difference between suppression and control? I am still figuring this out. I feel that I have been suppressing a lot. I don't wish to break down in front of you. I have done that once and I do not wish for that to happen again. This roller-coaster of emotions is killing me.
I don't know how you are or how you feel. I don't know what is going to happen next. I am still torn by the fact that the person who can make me happy can also lead me to being upset. When you said what you said, I wanted to scream at you. I decided to control my temper. Perhaps you could tell. I don't know.
I am responsible for this current state I am in. Each time I am with you, i pretend to be bored and wishing I was elsewhere. The truth is far from that. I look forward to each meeting with you. My lack of enthusiasm has rubbed off such that you feel that I do not want to meet up with you.
The worse thing of this all is that I do not think you are affected by this in any way at all. And here I am, fretting away. It hurts and it is still painful for me. I feel like a cooling off period is needed. However I also need to know and understand what you said.
I hope that I can last till the day we meet to find out and understand. At the same time, I also fear that. If you still think and have this image of me that I am an outright liar and feel that you cannot have a liar for a friend, how do we move forward? Perhaps there is no need to move forward. Perhaps it ends. Sometimes I feel a sense of peace as I say that, that it ends. Sometimes I feel a sense of panic and anxiety as I say that, that it ends. I can see you saying okay to my request without feeling anything. I do not think it will be a loss to you. Maybe you'll be glad to be rid of me as I will no longer be a thorn to you, to always be bothering you and all.
Right now, I feel numb. Each time, I look at the hp to see if you'd smsed and nothing. I don't think you're sorry for what you said. Sometimes, I don't feel appreciated at all.
Last but not least, I hope you're ok and that you're having a great time during this cny. Your silence scares me. I hope you're fine and that the lunch didn't ruin the festive mood for you. If it did, I apologize which I have already done. I sincerely hope you're all right. I hope to hear from you soon. I can only hope and pray.
I wish you all the best.

Learning

When will I ever learn? It really does not make sense for one to go back to a place that keeps on hurting them. However it's not so simple. This same place has many happy memories. This same place brings joy at times. This same place is capable of many wonderful things. Unfortunately I also allow this same place to bring out the hurt and pain in me. It is not the fault of this same place. I am the silly and stupid one who refuse to do what's right and what's best for me. Yesterday may have been the last straw. It hurts. When I allow the remarks to sink in, they were stinging and hurtful and I allow them to hurt me. When I replay the scene, I think that it is not as bad as I make it out to be. However when I sit down and reflect, I know that I do not deserve for such statements to be made. They were really hurtful to me. How many times am I going to let it affect me before I do what's right? I cannot think of a win-win solution right now. All the possible solutions will lead to me getting hurt. I was so tired last night. I may have just cried myself to sleep or sheer exhaustion took over.

I give up. Since you think that I am of such a character, since you hate me, since you feel that having friends like me, you don't need enemies, let's end this. Let's end this friendship. Since it's doing both of us more harm than good. Since it's hurting both of us, since this friendship is more pain than happiness. Anyway I am just one friend to you. You have many many friends. You don't need me. Never had, never have and never will. After all, you mean so much more to me than I mean to you.

I give up. Let's end this friendship. This friendship is over.

Ending it

We were supposed to go out for coffee that day but you fell asleep and thus didn’t hear my call. By the time you got up, it was already quite late and the coffee plans were cancelled. This week, I had not met up with you. You told me that you’ll see me today. Again that did not happen. You had things to settle.

You know what. I give up. I give up caring about you, caring for you. Go on your trips with your other friends. You had mentioned that if you could cope financially this year, we’ll go on a trip together. From what I can see, I don’t think this will happen. Go on your trips with your friends to Thailand. Go on your trips with A. Go on your trip to Mauritius. Go on your trip to Taiwan. I give up. I cannot care less what you do.

I had a nightmare last night and it involved you. I wanted to see you today and spend time with you to make sure everything is ok. I was looking forward to spending some time with you today. That did not happen.

I want to end the friendship already. I want to cut off all ties with you. I freaking give up. When I saw someone waiting for you, I was pretending to be busy and to not care. But it hurts inside. It hurts deep down.

I give up.

Vicious cycle

It still hurts that you're not by my side and not next to me. I need you more as a coach than as a friend. You have so much potential in you that I am awed and humbled. There are times I resent the fact that I have so much to learn from you and I have nothing to offer you. When I called yesterday evening and was turned down on all 3 offers, I was crushed. Perhaps crushed is too strong a word to use but I was affected. It hurts that I am not a part of your life. It hurts that I am just a friend to you. I am jealous of you and the fact that you have so many friends and I am just one of the many many friends that you have. I wish I mean more to you because you still mean the world to me. I have put up a wall and a great barrier between you and me such that I don't get close to you but I yearn for the days when we were close. The dreams that I had of both of us working together never materialised. I foresee that if that were to ever happen, I will be working for you and I am not able to take that. When you didn't sms me last night, I was wondering where you were. Were you still at work? Were you having dinner with someone after a long day at work? It hurts that I can no longer have that with you.

There are times I want to get away from it all, to get away from you and to hurt you if I can. I know that I will be the one getting hurt instead and not you. When I think of the time when you were away and I was missing you so much, you were happily making new friends whilst I was in pain and misery. Sometimes I equate cutting you out of my life as taking my own life. You just make me so happy that I cannot imagine my life without you. I know that I cannot continue to live on like this. Nobody in the right mind will go back to a place that hurts them. You make me happy. There are also times when I am with you and it just hurts as I know that it is just friends and that you are not my life partner. Emptiness and sadness creep in when you leave. When you sent me that post, it is just one of those things friends send to one another. However I wish it meant more than that. Nowadays we only hang out at most few hours each week. I know I should be thankful for that. In the past, it'll be few hours each day for at least 3 to 4 times a week. I miss that. I miss those days. I miss the past. I miss you.

There have been times when I just want to scream and shout that we are not spending as much time as we used to in the past. However I know that I am not entitled to that as I am just your friend. It hurts. It hurts.

I don't know if it's better if you had loved me for even just one day and for the rest of my life, you are not in it. True what I have now may be better as at least, we do meet up and hang out and you still do push me. However I still feel that if you had loved me for just one day, it will be better.

There are many things that remind me of the past. Each time as I take my black bike, having to put aside the red bike hurts.

I wish this vicious cycle will end. I still miss you. I do.

1 month has passed

1 month of 2008 has passed. What have I achieved? I have moved forward slightly but still far from it. I still reflect on the past. I am still unable to let go of it completely. I wish it was the good old days once more but I know time has moved on. It hurts when I see the vast contrast. I am torn right now up to a point I am numb.

I had dinner with my lp mates. It was great fun. It was dinner at a Chinese restaurant followed by drinks at a club at One degree 15. It was awesome. Had a great time. This place is really great. One day, I hope that I can be a member and own my own yacht and drive out into the sea. These are all materialistic dreams. I should learn to be contented with what I have as I am fortunate already.

I wish we never stopped being close. I wish we spent much time together still. It's still numbing at times.