Dreams

I wonder why I am still doing this. I no longer know why each day I wake up, I travel to the same place. I feel that I have lost my purpose and direction. Am I following my dreams? Is this how I had envisioned my life to be? Sometimes I feel like I am slogging away like crazy for no reason. I am tired when people ask me questions. I am tired and no longer want to improve things. Maybe it is time for a long break.

Awesome day

The day ended well yesterday. I am relieved as to how things have worked out.

Had hung out and had dinner with a dear friend. Had enjoyed myself! It felt like I was catching up on the good old days. It has been enjoyable. Am glad to be ending off the day on a high !

Was touched when I was offered something I liked. I was also surprised when my dear friend paid for my dinner. It was a nice gesture. It was a wonderful touch. Usually when I go out for dinner with the past, I will pay for everything. I am partly to blame for not asking to go dutch. Oh well. That past is now past.

I am thankful that the closeness between my and my dear friend had remained. I shudder when I remember the past when a careless mistake would have led to me losing something truly meaningful and precious. And this would have been at the expense of something so not worth while.

Had truly enjoyed yesterday! :)

Emotions

What is the difference between controlling one's emotions and numbing them? Is there a difference? Wouldn't control lead to numbness eventually?

I am still shocked at my reaction yesterday. I acted out of rage. Of late, the emotions have been stirring up like crazy. I don't know if it's because of the usual reasons or if it's hormonal or if it's another underlying reason.

I don't know if I am numbing everything right now.

I am still in a state of shock. Sometimes I wonder if I am who I really am.

Missing the rollercoaster ride

Why is it so hard to let go of you? Why have memories of you have yet to fade? Sometimes I feel like I am getting worse, I am spiralling downwards. I still feel the pain and emptiness. Why did I allow you to have such an effect on me? Why did I give so much to the friendship that it became blurred for me?

I feel like I am only existing now. I remember the days when you were in my life. Everything had a meaning then. I looked forward to something.

Sometimes I just want to text you to ask you if you are available to go swimming or jogging. It has become unbearable for me.

Sometimes I just feel like I want to get away from it all.

Returns

I had gone there a couple of days ago to pass to your friend to pass to you your parcel and your letters. Unfortunately your friend was on leave. As such, I had to call you to pass to you.

I am glad that you didn't sound as endearing as I had imagined over the phone.

I remembered being a little nervous as I passed to you your things. I also remembered thinking that before me is someone whom I had cared greatly about and someone whom I still miss occasionally. I also remembered that this is the same person who had texted me "Chill it ... Take care" and "You said you needed time ... you needed space ... you needed to be away from me ... I gave it all to you." I cannot believe that I have wasted my emotions, energy and time on such a person. It was so not worth it. I have got better things to do and others who care greatly about me.

I am glad I walked away not being disappointed.

Overwhelmed

I am overwhelmed by emotions once again. Those same emotions keep coming back up. I know it is never going to happen. I know you don't feel the same way. Nonetheless, I still broke down. I am so tired of wasting my energy on such emotions when it is so not worthwhile. I am at a loss as to what to do.

Work at the moment is not going great either. I have no idea what I am doing and why I am even doing them anymore. I feel like I am putting out fire after fire and I have lost track and lost sight of everything.

Sometimes, I feel that with you around, I will be able to function as least normally. I know that even I were to keep it up, eventually, you will leave and if I were to continue, it will be worse for me in that manner. It has to start now.

I feel like going away, from everyone and everything. I am this close to giving everything up. Nothing matters anymore.

I am tired

I wanna freaking quit … everything … work, my struggle with the past. Work completely sucks right now. I don’t know why but each time, I struggle with work, I only think of being comforted by you.


ARGH !!!!! I FREAKING GIVE UP!!!!!!!

Laid to rest

I read what 002 had written. I was so so so so touched. It is friends like these that matter. Friendships like these that I must treasure. I liked the last part whereby the sorrows of 2008 be laid to rest.

I pray that that will happen. I am going to work hard on it to put the sorrows of 2008 to rest such that it happens fast and I start living my life how I want to live it.

Great start

Had lunch with old friends on the first day of the year. Caught up with them on what they are doing. Smallie was around too ... So fun!!! :)

Had such great fun last night too! Played badminton, caught up with the rest. It was so enjoyable to just whack it!! :) Ended the night by having supper with them ... So so fun! Hope I will not be aching.

Am thankful for the great start to the year! :)