Selection

Based on my circle of friends, you will never cut it to be a friend of mine. You will always be more than a friend to me. Given that, there is no point in thinking that I can ever be friends with you.

I am sorry but I don't think I will ever be able to be friends with you. I don't think I ever was.

Quote

Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day or a year, but eventually, it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever. - Lance Armstrong.

As I reflect on the past year, it is definitely less painful nowadays. The dark days are gone. I don't know why I want to revive those days. Am I that bored? Or that stupid? I know someone did say, it will take at least 2 years. I was shocked when I heard that. I didn't want to believe that. I thought I could get out of it fast. The thing is, I didn't want to put much effort into it. Recently I have focused on other things till that fateful day.

I need to focus on other things and continue on my path out of this mess. I am almost there. Almost.

Painful

I've left the door open but you've yet to come knocking.

I've invited you to come in but you're not available. I know that it is not your priority to make it possible. You don't want to make it possible.

It hurts that I want it more than you.

I need my pride. I will stop asking. I feel like closing the door but it seems too petty.

Starting again

It is starting all over again. Sigh ... I absolutely hate it that I want this more than you do. I had imagined myself telling you that I wasn't going jogging in the evening. In the end, it was you telling me that you couldn't make it. I hated it that I am being "rejected". I will stop asking.

I feel like giving up on everything right now, everything ... NOTHING matters anymore.

I can feel the anger and hate building up again. It sucks ... I just feel like screaming at you!!!

ARGH !!!! DAMN YOU !!!

Tomorrow

I wonder what will happen tomorow.

I can't believe that the weekend has zoomed by just like that once again. It was a hot hot day today though :(

Glimpse

It was nice to catch a glimpse of you again. This can only mean one thing that I am still not ready. I need to control myself better.

1) Review the information
2) Decide
3) NEVER look back

Uncertainty

When I'd gone jogging this morning, it was tough. I could not even complete half of it non-stop. I know that it is just excuses but QUITTING was just so strong and I just stopped. Despite this, I must say that the day went well. Did a fair bit of things. Went cycling at the end of the day. Managed to push myself. Am glad !

I want to push myself for the upcoming JP Morgan Run :)

Response

I wonder if a response will follow suit. Oh well, I have tried. If there is no response, it indicates lack of availability. Either that or it's due to unreadiness, perhaps on both parties. I need to find another option.

Reading it

I keep reading it over and over again. I cannot imagine the absence. It will be too painful. I seriously hope and pray that it is not what I think it is. Please let it not be so.

I know that I will be lost. It will be a great loss if it truly happens. Please let the reasons be revealed soon.

There are so many questions now.

Surreal

I still remember that day when I was told of the news from the horse's mouth. It was like a final nail to the coffin. I was really really upset. I was crying my eyes out. I don't know how I managed to do what I did though. I felt that my reasons were selfish. I should have been happy instead. I should have been a bigger person.

I hope this does not repeat again ... Please let it NOT be so ... Please ...

What does it mean

Oh dear ... What does it mean? I hope my greatest fears will not become a reality. I have had too many of that happening of late. My dreams going up in smoke ... I do hope it is not what I think it may be. And if it is, then what?

When I imagine it to be what I think it may be, tears well up in my eyes. I don't think I can survive it. I cannot imagine it. Not at all.

AARGGHH !! I should not have read it. I should not have read it. I do hope it gets clearer soon.

If it really does come true, I will respect the decision. I will still be upset and sad though. I would be lost to be honest. I can feel the pain once again. Why is the heart getting louder than the brain nowadays?

I hope and pray that it is not what I think ... Please ... Please ... There must be another way out ...

Adding as a friend

A part of me wants to add you as a friend. I am hoping that when I do that, maybe you will see that as a signal that I am okay. I don't know. I am hoping that maybe if I do that, you will let me know when we can meet up to catch up.

Why is it that I want the friendship so badly? Is it even a friendship? Maybe things are so messed up and I don't want to handle work anymore that I just don't care.

Is it pathetic that I have left the door open and you have yet to step up to the door? Or is it pathetic that each day I am hoping and wondering when you will come by? I know it's the latter but nothing else comes to my mind right now.

I don't know what I am doing with my career. Is this what I want? Really? Is this what I am passionate about or am I just kidding myself?

ARGH !!!

I don't know if I will regret clicking 2x. My inner voice tells me that yes, I will regret it. Another part of me tells me that I have got nothing to lose.

I feel like breaking down ... I don't know if it's stress from work or stress from the silence.

I can't stand this any longer

I can't stand this any more. I am sick and tired of doing this. What is the purpose in doing all this? Is there any more joy? I see the many emails. I see what I need to follow-up on. I don't know what to follow-up on. I don't know what my focus should be. I just feel like screaming my lungs out. Without fail, I will feel like crap. I will feel that everything is beyond hope. I am so so tired. I don't know why I am thinking many times before adding you as a friend. I know that it will not suffice. Worse, I will know what you have been doing. I just want to meet up with you. I really feel like "Screw everything !!!!"
I am not following up on things fast enough. I don't know what I need to chase. I am really tired. I feel like I am on the verge of another breakdown. I cannot afford to feel like this every month. When I read the many emails, I feel suffocated. At the back of my mind, I am thinking of so many things. Am I that inefficient?

I feel like giving up.

Or so I thought

I have realised that what I wanted or am hankering after is not what I had truly wanted. I so desired the material world, including wealth. I have lost a significant amount of money due to pure laziness. I got over it in a matter of at most one day. Yes, it did come up once in a while but the money was already lost and there wasn't much I can do other than learn from my mistake and move on. I am now more vigilant and more careful.

However when you are no longer next to me and the days of companionship had left, I am still having trouble letting go of it. Years have passed and I still remember the past vividly. I keep pointing out to fast cars to a close friend and said that having one of those will make me happy. She had then asked me "Will you truly be happy?" I would like to answer yes. I know that the answer to that is actually no. I have experienced what it was like to be happy. A pity the relationship is not something that will materialise into something worth pursuing. If only things were different. At least I know that I am capable of caring for someone special. When you had sent me the roses and chocolates, I was ecstatic. Absolutely ECSTATIC !!

Matters of the heart are so painful.

Lunch

It was nice having lunch with a dear friend yesterday. It was a little like the good old times. The slight difference perhaps could be due to time or that I was not feeling too well and thus we weren't chatting much. I had enjoyed the lunch. It was nice and pleasant. I do miss the good old days when things were so much simpler.

Have yet to knock

I can't believe that you have yet to knock even though I have left the door open. How pathetic can this get? I will always want the friendship or companionship more than you do.

I have seen that there is more to life than just work. My life was filled by hanging out with you in the past and I just want to spend time doing non-work stuff. I am sure that I can cope with both personal and work.

I wonder when you will come knocking. Will you even knock?

I don't want to do this anymore

I don't want to do this anymore. Why? Why am I still doing this? I am so sick and tired of it all .... I want to give up.

It does not matter anymore.

AARRGGHH !!!!

What a contrast

Coincidentally you had a blog entry on the last day of March this year as well. What a contrast! Mine was titled Waiting Eagerly and yours was Chill Out. I have been waiting for you to reach me for a time to catch and there you were chilling out with another person. When my friend pointed out that starbuckes was also available at the hospital, I felt a little better. It was not like you had gone our per se. The table also looked like the outlet at the hospital.

I am upset that we have yet to meet up but there is nothing I can do about it. I need to stop looking at your blog.

I guess I just have to accept that you had the best of intentions when you had decided to send me the surprise that day. However that was not the wisest thing to do.

Right now, I wish there is more to my life than just work. I am so tempted to throw everything away such that we could just meet up. I need to have something more than work. I don't care the consequences anymore.

It feels odd that the dark dark days are long gone. I don't know why I would want to spend my life in misery.