Still comparing

I can’t believe I am still comparing this year with last year, this same date. I need to stop comparing with the past. I need to let go of the past. Was it this good? Is it worth my while to pursue this further? The same thoughts keep coming into my mind.

When will the broken record finally break and never to be replayed again?

I need to just stop and move on. I need to give myself some more time as the heart has not had sufficient quiet time.

1 step closer

Maybe I am one step closer in reaching my destination of letting go of the past. You had a parcel delivered to my place yesterday. A part of me wanted to sms you to ask you if you needed it soon. A larger part of me cannot be bothered to pass it to you. When the time comes, I will pass it to you at my convenience. My worry about your anxiety about not receiving your parcel ended quickly. I hope this means that I am getting better. If you cannot be bothered about your parcel, why should I.

I am glad other things have kept me busy. Hopefully my recovery process will speed up.

Remember

I just need to keep on remembering this stinging and cold phrase "Chill it ... Take care"

I have dropped out of the "I will be nice to you" club. This is the treatment that I get now that I am no longer in the club. I no longer serve your prerogative.

i deserve better.

2008 is coming to an end

In a matter of a few days, 2008 will end. It has not been an easy year for me. It has been full of ups and downs. I saw my dream and hard work go up in smoke in a short period of time. It was not within my control as it was decided by higher powers. In order to preserve my sanity, I had to cut off contact completely with the past as well. I was doing it in phases thinking I could manage. Those close to me said to me that it may not be possible. I wanted to prove them wrong. In the end, I suffered for not listening. I have just started on my journey of complete cut-off. I do get withdrawal symptoms once in a while. Of late, each time I turn around, when I see anyone who resembles you in the slightest bit, my heart races. Somehow the tenderness still feels raw within me.

I am grateful for the many blessings this year. Such wonderful treasures that I have. I know who are my true friends who will stand by me in tough times. My family has been wonderful and I am closer to my siblings now. My health is good. My job is secure. In such gloomy times, each of these blessings make life better.

I have one thing left. To let go of the past. That will make everything complete.

Pleasantly surprised

What a pleasant surprise. Was having lunch/tea with my favourite BCPS RPH cum dear friend. Had great fun as always! :)

Was surprised when she decided to take the bill and paid for it.

Really grateful for having friends like her! :)

Some more reminders

I need to remember this ... For me to move on, I need to remember that the person whom I had spent so much of my time, energy and emotions on ... .. I just kept on giving to the friendship/relationship ...

This was said to me "Chill it ... Take care"

Christmas Reminder

When a Christmas song came on the radio just now, I was suddenly reminded of Christmas eve last year. It was fun, going into JB with you. It was fun spending Christmas with you. I remembered being very happy. Somehow life had a purpose then. I almost broke down in tears. It was like suddenly I missed having you around.

I wouldn't say that life has no purpose now but it feels like something is missing.

I keep remembering only being very happy with you. I need to remind myself of the times when I was upset, sad and angry. Even though there were good times, there were bad times too.

In totality, it is still negative, for what it's worth. I need to remind myself that.

Having fun

Am having so much fun "doing" and guiding those two on the project. They are just so hilarious and great fun! Their emails are so funny that I can't help but smile and laugh out loud sometimes. I am so thankful to have those two. They have been such a pleasure to "have".

I was reflecting on what 001 had said. I will only be passionate when I am having fun. I am passionate about this because I am having fun with them. The truth is, I am. I am having tonnes of fun with this. It is a great pleasure to be working with them. Am loving every minute of it. This project is something I look forward to and it perks me up.

I always say that I want to have fun. I just want to have fun. When 001 said it that I am passionate only when I am having fun, I just realised how true that is. I am going continue to find fun in many other ways as that is how I will live my life, having fun! Of course there will be fun with responsibilities too.

What 001 had said was so insightful!

Moving forward

Had time stood still at 2 years ago, I would have not had the opportunity to meet the fantastic bunch this year. Am thankful that they work well together and the synergy that is created is tremendous. They're so much fun too. The ones whom I am closer too are definitely less complicated. Based on what I have seen, 020 has less layers and is just so funny. I was also thrown a comparison between 020 and you. What a vast difference. Anyway each have their own strengths and uniqueness that I admire, including you. Anyway, time moves on and so will I.

Maybe it's hormonal. I feel some peace within me.

Complete cut-off

I was surprised when you'd contacted me via MSN. What a vast difference these couple of years has been. We'd used to chat for long on MSN previously. Just now was an exchange of few words.

I don't know whether to be happy or not to have been informed of what you told me. I know it is what I need but I don't know. With the change in address, it marks the complete disconnection. I no longer have anything to pass to you. It hurts. I must be so numb right now.

Reality will sink in tomorrow and the flood gates will open once more.

Why does it take so long to mend this broken heart?

If I can't let go of the past, I can't focus on the present

How true is that ... If I can't let go of the past, I can't focus on the present. I keep reminiscing the past. I need to remember the emotional turmoil that I had gone through. Yes, there were highs but there were also low periods.

Christmas

It will be christmas soon. The only thing that keeps coming to my mind is the christmas party 2 years ago when we'd left early to go cycling at night and how I'd spent christmas with you last year. When will my life stop revolving around you? Was I in so deep that I have difficulty in letting go? Do I love you that much that I cannot let go? When I had passed your letter to your good friend yesterday and when you'd smsed me to convey your thanks, I thought I was okay. I felt happy that I didn't meet you. I felt that I was all right yesterday. Then in the afternoon, I felt angry. I have been deceiving myself. I still so badly want to meet up with you.

I wish I can forget it all just like that completely. I wish I could just cry my eyes out, forget it all, sleep it off and the next day, is a brand new day whereby the past is past and long forgotten.

Anger

ARGH !!! I wish I had met you. I feel that this is still a front that I am putting on. I am still upset and angry. The heart is still broken. I wish you wanted me. I wish you'd tell me to stop in having the space and that you just want to see me again.

I miss you!!!! I MISS you so much !!!!

Dreaming

I had a dream last night. It revolved around you and how I was going to pass you the letter, how the past was like and how I missed you. I don't know what else to do. I don't know how to let go of the past. I don't think I don't know. It's more of I am so so so afraid of letting go of the past and of you.

Sundays

Each time Sunday comes round, I will think about the times of the afternoons. Somehow I had managed to let go of that easily. Now I think about the evening. I will think about 4.30pm. And how it was a routine for me. It is not easy to continue to go at about five-ish on my own. It still hurts.

I feel like crying my eyes out but my pride is in the way.

I need to stop feeling this way. I need and want to just move on.

Standard Chartered Half Marathon 2008

I was so nervous, excited and scared all at the same time for this. I was really worried that I will take really long to complete it. I had difficulty falling asleep too. In the end, I'd only gotten a few hours of sleep. I have no idea how I'd managed to wake up and drive and go for this. It was an interesting start. Had jogged with 001. Was supposed to pace her. It had been fun jogging with 001. Before the half-way point, as my stamina had plummeted, had asked 001 to go ahead first. I couldn't psyche myself into going further. I felt that I had gone my furthest already. The reason for this lack of stamina is due to the lack of training. I should have trained more often and regularly. Oh well, too late now. At least, it's not as if my life or future depended on this.

Now I have to nurse the aching feet, knee and back.

I am glad to have been given the opportunity to jog with 001. Even though, I couldn't keep up and go to the end with 001, it had been fun every single step of the way!

What will happen tomorrow?

I wonder what will happen tomorrow. Will I be able to jog non-stop? I hope and I pray hard that I can. Please give me the strength to do it. I am excited. I am also nervous. No matter how slow I jog I will be faster than when I am walking. What will my strategy be?

One step at a time. Think of it as being 10km first. Then the next 10km. Then dash the last 1 km.

Enjoy the ride. Enjoy every single step of the way. It is not often that I get to jog with thousands and the road is being cleared for us.

Enjoy it !!! :)

What a day

Yesterday had been an interesting day. It started off really well. 001 gave me positive feedback and that really lifted my spirits. I had also enjoyed the negotiation meeting and I felt great taking charge and just driving the whole project. I need to display this every single time. A part of me feels that if I were to do that, I will just be so tired. Another part of me is now thinking how can I overcome that and to just keep on doing that each time? Does it really take more time and effort? On reflection, maybe yes. However I had enjoyed it so much that I don't feel tired. That meeting went well.

However soon after, I had received 2 subsequent calls that just caused me to crash. It was horrible.

At the end of the day, I thought let's go jogging to prepare myself. I couldn't even go for a short distance. I was on the verge of tears.

If I were to really think about the root cause of this, it is because of that letter. A part of me cannot even be bothered. A part of me still cared. Seeing the replacement also threw me off. I pretended to be normal. Beneath it all, is a heart that is still broken.

ARGH !!!

ARGH !!!! I AM SO ANGRY RIGHT NOW !!!! I JUST WANT TO EXPLODE !!!!

Cycle

I can feel the cycle starting all over again, anger and sadness. Argh !!! When will I ever let go? Why is it so difficult to let go?