Eagerly waiting

I have been waiting in anticipation to hear from you, to see an sms from you that says "Let's meet up for dinner. Are you free today?" I wonder if this will ever happen. I am still puzzled though that you are not jumping on the opportunity to meet up to catch up. Perhaps you don't see a need to as nothing has changed. I don't know.

I still remember the elation that I had felt when I had received the roses and chocolates. On a scale of 1 to 10, it was 100 for me. I don't deny that it was nice having you around. I need to find someone whom I can share my life with.

Frustrated

I am now pissed and frustrated. I don't know if this is triggered by your nonchalance.

I am really irritated.

I am so tempted to sms you to ask you why have you yet to tell me when you are available. Maybe this shows that I am not ready. If I have put the past behind, this should not matter anymore.

I am really urgh !!!

I just feel like smsing ... DAMN YOU !!! AARRRGGGHH !!!!

Dinner

I wonder if dinner will ever happen. I really thought that you would have jumped at the opportunity. Alas, I was wrong. I am not sure if you are busy or if you feel that you are not ready. Or perhaps I am not ready either.

I don't know.

I wish we could go jogging or swimming ...

Cookies

When I saw that you were using the watch that I had given you, I was surprised ... and touched. I wonder if it means anything. At the back of my mind, I wonder if you miss me. Knowing you, I don't think it means anything. Your other watches are probably not working or not with you. Or you just decided to use it for the fun of it. I know that you were also using this same watch when I had come by that day.

Oh well.

I thought that you would have been ecstatic when I'd told you that I've put the past behind. I've left my door open such that we can meet up. I am sad that you have yet to say anything. I am not sure why.

What an irony

It just hit me that it is an irony. A couple of years ago, I had bought for you chocolates for Friendship Day. Fast forward to the present, you had sent me chocolates on the 22nd Feb 2009.

How amusing.

Pain .. From a different source

I now know why I was dreading Friday so much. I thought that it was the meeting that was scheduled for that day. Thank goodness that the meeting went along fine. It was an explosion that was waiting to happen at the end of the day. It was painful to know that the picture that I had painted in my mind was the wrong picture to have. I should have painted the picture that had been painted to me several times. I had thought that in the big picture of things, the proposed solution was the answer as it had addressed the concerns of all parties. Yes, it came at the expense of something. I am glad that I had insisted that a decision and direction be made upon on that day. I know at the end of it I had gotten a scolding and it was painful to hear that I did not meet the very basic expectation. I am dreading TPM. It was good to hear the advice from whom the decision had to come from as well. We should just state our requirements and others state their requirements and IT should then solve the problem. However when I think about my role and that I am part IT, what does it mean then? I don't have the means to address such issues as it will be a technical issue.

The good thing that came out of this is that my boss now knows what I go through and why I feel like giving up the battle at times. I am really cornered in such situations.

I don't know how much longer I can hold on like this. The pain that I had felt due to this incident was the same pain that went straight to the heart when I realised that I had loved you and that you were no longer next to me. Why has work become so personal?

Whilst waiting to go for dinner, images of the past emerged and I remembered what it was like to feel happy. Those times were pure bliss. I wished time stopped 3 years ago, when work was manageable and you were in my life. I did think of calling you as I felt that I was already unhappy and even though I knew that you would not be able to make me happy anymore, I just felt like ruining my life and that it didn't matter any more.

I am glad that I had the support of a close friend and the day ended well in with a wonderful dinner that was way beyond reasonable.

Sundays

It is still not that easy on weekends, especially Sundays. I will still remember the Sundays that we had gone jogging, where I feel that you will push me to do better. I still have fond memories of the dinners that follow suit. With all these happy memories, I also remember the tension at times or awkwardness at my part and even anger too. I felt like yes, you were jogging next to me but I remembered wanting more. I think the last jog was one whereby I felt that I had pushed you away and that I was angry with you as you were no longer next to me.

I need to remember the whole picture and not just the happy moments as there were tough moments as well. Will I ever see you as a friend? I don't know.

Right now, I just feel like I want to go jogging with you and to just hang out with you. I want to have coffee and dinner with you.

It is getting better day by day but I am still not devoid of feelings for you.

Decision making

I wonder if I have made the right decision. The signature is there. I have been trusted. The question is do I trust myself?

Doubting my capabilities keep coming up.

I can do anything once I put my mind to it.

Don't look back

Don't look back.

I just have to keep working at it and to keep moving on.

How people manage to move on so quickly is based on how committed they are to want to move on. I know I can do whatever I want to once I set my mind to it.

I want to set my mind to letting go of the past.

Still shaking

When I saw you as I was about to leave, I had tried to make eye contact with you and to just have a pleasant encounter. I had smiled at you and acknowledged your presence. However you either seemed to see right through me or you were surprised to see me or you were just angry with something that had happened at work and just didn't see me.

I was then asked by a close dear friend if I was okay. I am glad that I had told her of the recent incident. I am thankful to hear the feedback that I am no longer moping around. When I heard that, I see it as a sign of moving forward. Yes, there have been times when my head is just clouded and I am not thinking properly. However, I never execute the plan of wanting to meet up with you. So I feel that this does say something.

I know I was hanging around as the other two were coming. The main intention was to see you and to talk to you and to be near you. However I remembered what I had said in my earlier conversation. Based on that and I knew the state that I was in, if I just spoke to you to find out how you are, I would be caring too much about you and I will have to pick up the pieces again. And I didn't want that. I felt that I was getting a little better after the recent event and I didn't want to go back those few steps.

As we were about to leave the place and dinner was suggested, I was praying very hard that you will not come along. I am glad you didn't as it would have been awkward. I don't deny that I was disappointed. However I knew that it was better this way. Even as we were talking to your good friend and you were around and chatting with the other two slightly, I don't know why you didn't even look in my direction at all. I find it odd given the recent incident. Maybe you were pissed off at work. When I saw you and you were wearing the jacket that I had given you, I remembered my heart beating very very fast. I could even feel the heart beating away quickly. I was excited and all that. I wish I didn't feel that way. I wish I could control my feelings. Alas this is something not within my means. What I can do is to keep on moving and stop harbouring any hopes of us getting back to the level of the past.

When I heard that your good friend had dinner and donut, I knew that you had bought it for her. When she'd also said that she must "report" back to how the dinner was like, all the more I knew that you had bought it for her. I remember what it was like when you had gotten me the drink during the early days.

I don't deny the nice feelings then but I also realise that this is the past. My present does not have you in my life. Maybe in the future, I will allow you to be back in. This can only happen when I don't feel anything.

It was nice seeing you again.

Moving on

A dear friend had told me that she could sense the difference and that I am no longer moping around. I am glad that we had had the chance to run into you and she had then asked me if I was okay. I was touched. I am thankful that I had told her of the recent incident. She had even told me that she was confident that I would be okay by now.

You are the first

You are the first

.. whom I had opened up to
.. whom I had fallen for
.. whom I am now trying to get over
.. to have sent me roses and chocs

Nightmare ... Reality

I had a nightmare that night. The images of you and your good friend kept appearing. Whenever I saw you, your good friend was always next to you. It ended off with the hands from both of you were inter-twined. I had then immediately woken up. I don't know if the last part was ever true. However the part of your good friend being next to you is a reality. I am no longer beside you.

It hurts ... It hurts ...

Why did I allow my heart to be broken by you?

Roses

The roses are beginning to change colour. I am upset that I cannot maintain them. I still remember when they were first delivered to my place. They were so beautiful and the colours were vibrant. They are now fading away. I wish that moment could be frozen in time and not fade away and move on. I wish that my moments with you could be forever. Right now, I miss you so much and I want to see you again. Screw the efforts and the past. I really don't care anymore. I just want to see you. If only you are available.

When I realised that I still love you and still miss you, it hurts so badly.