Still shaking

When I saw you as I was about to leave, I had tried to make eye contact with you and to just have a pleasant encounter. I had smiled at you and acknowledged your presence. However you either seemed to see right through me or you were surprised to see me or you were just angry with something that had happened at work and just didn't see me.

I was then asked by a close dear friend if I was okay. I am glad that I had told her of the recent incident. I am thankful to hear the feedback that I am no longer moping around. When I heard that, I see it as a sign of moving forward. Yes, there have been times when my head is just clouded and I am not thinking properly. However, I never execute the plan of wanting to meet up with you. So I feel that this does say something.

I know I was hanging around as the other two were coming. The main intention was to see you and to talk to you and to be near you. However I remembered what I had said in my earlier conversation. Based on that and I knew the state that I was in, if I just spoke to you to find out how you are, I would be caring too much about you and I will have to pick up the pieces again. And I didn't want that. I felt that I was getting a little better after the recent event and I didn't want to go back those few steps.

As we were about to leave the place and dinner was suggested, I was praying very hard that you will not come along. I am glad you didn't as it would have been awkward. I don't deny that I was disappointed. However I knew that it was better this way. Even as we were talking to your good friend and you were around and chatting with the other two slightly, I don't know why you didn't even look in my direction at all. I find it odd given the recent incident. Maybe you were pissed off at work. When I saw you and you were wearing the jacket that I had given you, I remembered my heart beating very very fast. I could even feel the heart beating away quickly. I was excited and all that. I wish I didn't feel that way. I wish I could control my feelings. Alas this is something not within my means. What I can do is to keep on moving and stop harbouring any hopes of us getting back to the level of the past.

When I heard that your good friend had dinner and donut, I knew that you had bought it for her. When she'd also said that she must "report" back to how the dinner was like, all the more I knew that you had bought it for her. I remember what it was like when you had gotten me the drink during the early days.

I don't deny the nice feelings then but I also realise that this is the past. My present does not have you in my life. Maybe in the future, I will allow you to be back in. This can only happen when I don't feel anything.

It was nice seeing you again.