Many surprises

I have received many wonderful surprises since last Monday. I am truly touched and feel blessed to have such wonderful friends and great family. It has been so much fun since Monday. However something is still missing and I know what this is. When I reflect, I am amazed at what I have received this past few days. I have given little to this group of people, yet I have received tonnes. However with you, I have given so much and yet it does not match. I know it is my own doing of giving so much to you when I know you will not reciprocate. This shall not be about you.

I was really moved by the surprise dinner today. I really did not expect it. I thought it was just so coincidental that it was after my birthday. It has been awhile since the group of us went out for a fun dinner, instead of always discussing about work during dinner. When I had received a hand-made necklace as a gift, i was so moved that I didnt know what to do. I was stunned. I had received many nice small little touches all over, I am so touched. It has been a great day!

Wishes

I wish you were with me today. At the end of the day, i wished we were together. The weather was nice after the rain. I wished we had gone night cycling. I miss you. This whole cycle is eating me. I wish i had completely recovered. Each time I look at it, feelings and emotions are evoked. There are times when I don't feel a thing as I focus on other things. There are times when it hits me and it is truly painful.
i didn't get my wish fulfilled. I know it will never come true but i wished that perhaps, we could have spent some time today. Today was all right but I don't know for how long I can carry on like this.

I can hardly wait for 9th June 2008. It will mark my new beginning and quest towards freedom and happiness.

PS: I wonder if I have ever seen you as a friend.

Surprise

What a surprise! I had received chocolates in the morning from someone whom I was training. It was highly unexpected. What a wonderful surprise! I was so touched and it made my day, especially after a terrible Sunday. The day went really went from there. I'd "run" into someone I knew at the office as well and she'd wished me in advance. How sweet! I am not even close to her and she remembered. I was so moved. To end the day, I had a good session with my students and had enjoyed my session with them. To top off the day, I had dinner and movie with a friend who was always keen to share. It was an entertaining night indeed! I had received a dinner treat and it was wonderful! It was all so unexpected. All these made me realize that I have been putting all my time and effort in the wrong places. It was highly unbalanced. It is time to put the balance in place.

I am grateful to have such wonderful friends and colleagues. I feel so blessed. Despite the setback which I am trying to overcome, these wonderful happenings made me see the blessings I have long ignored.

It has been a great day !

Disastrous

It was a complete disaster. I couldn't even complete it. This is something that I have done several times previously. The mind simply gave up. The voice that screams "Quit" was so strong. It was so painful as I know what I am capable of doing. If this is a reflection of things to come if I do not take the necessary actions, I am in big trouble. I know what I have to do. Advice has already been given. Time to take action. I just need to hang on a little while more before I execute the plan. It will happen after a certain date. It pains me that I need to go through this all over again. I can feel the tears coming back again. However I need to do this. When I reflect on the various activities, I have realised that I could complete them on my own and I was actually happier when I was carrying out those activities on my own. I just cannot handle your presence. Somehow or other, I allow it to screw me up.

I truly wish there was another way other than detachment. I know that my absence is no big deal to you but I cannot imagine life without your presence. How is it that the person who can make me happy is also the source of my pain?Everything has been a huge irony and the worst joke possible. Time that has passed feels like only yesterday.

Today was really tough. I am upset with myself in not pushing myself harder. I just threw in the towel just like that. I need to hang on and to focus on other things. It is just painful.

Temptation

I caved in to temptation. The reflex actions that have been developed so strongly over the years kicked in. I need to overcome these reflex actions such that they'll be reflex actions no more. I wonder what will happen later. I hope I can be as normal as I can be as though nothing has happened or will happen. I have also asked for signs. I will wait for the signs to take actions.

Please give me the strength to last this through.

Letting go

I am tired of constantly fighting this battle. Time to let go. I have gone through enough. It is tiring to have to go through the cycle all over again.

I am letting go.

Auf Wiedersehn

Perception

I can feel the tears coming on again. Now I truly understand what it means whereby perception is stronger than reality. I was or am living in my own world. Everyone else saw what was happening. Everyone except for me. Well perhaps not everyone but those close to me saw it. They've even told me what I had to do. I did and I thought I was all right. Then I went back and greed took over. I wanted more. Things were moving so fast that it has reached to this state now. There were some points in time when I felt that something was not quite right. I refused to heed those warning signals. I just went straight past them, thinking I could handle the danger ahead. Alas, it has exploded in my face.

It truly hurts right now. I don't feel like doing anything.

Resurfacing

What a turn of events. It looks like a second major wave is about to hit. Sigh... I thought the calmness had arrived. I was wrong. I am still amazed that a good friend on the other side of the world suspected something when I did not even realize at all. I am tired of riding such waves. It is about time to head to shore. However the journey to return will be a tough and painful one. I cannot imagine having to do it all over again. It is like all the steps forward have been erased and I am now back to steps way even before square one. Why was I so stupid? Do I really enjoy torturing myself?

I truly thought I had recovered. I was wrong. The trigger happened again. I cannot imagine having to go through this all over again. Argh !!!!

I can only hope and pray to live one day at a time and focus on things that are important. I am glad that certain circumstances have happened that have made it better.

Please give me the strength to see this through.

Priorities

What a terrible end to the day. I was so looking forward to it. However imagine my surprise when I saw someone else. It triggered me again. I completely ignored it and just went ahead. We didn't even have dinner at the end of it. Today was my sister's birthday. Instead of spending it with her, I chose to do something else. Where are my priorities? I should have made a firm stand and decided on other options. How stupid can I be? Time and again, I make the same stupid mistake. When will I ever learn?

When I got back, my sis was not even in my room. My sis was running a high fever. How upsetting.

I am now having a headache, perhaps from the lack of sleep. I am also irritated as it was just a horrible night. It triggered me. I feel angry and upset. I feel like crying but no tears fall.

I shall just busy myself with work and focus on that. What will it take to completely turn off the heart? Am I numb now or am I suppressing so much?

I have not heard much from you ever since. You seem so far away. I have got to stop comparing with the past. The past is just that, the past.

When I reflect on my recent past actions, how stupid can I get. Truly when will I ever learn? What will it take before I learn from my stupidity?

It has been a horrible end to a day.

Holidays

Holidays are a time for joy. Unfortunately, the long break brings out unhappiness in me. It will be awhile before I see you again. I wish I could spend time with you during this long break. I still miss you. I miss those times when we had spent so much time together. I miss those times when you chose to spend time with me. I no longer feel close to you. That could be my own doing, to have put up a barrier. It still hurts. I know the answer to the question and I feel a sharp pain within me when certain images are conjured. I can feel the tears coming back up again and I am suppressing them. I have no idea what I am doing. i am just getting along one day at a time and the craziness and busy schedule is helping me numb the pain. I realize now that when I know what I want and I go all out to get it, rejection hurts. I know what I want. Unfortunately it cannot be attained. If only for just 1 day, perhaps it will make it all worthwhile. Alas, it is and was never meant to be. I love you for who you are and for every thing that defines you. The raw ache and tenderness that is building up is just killing me.

It hurts. It still does

Dawn of My New Day

Dawn comes to my life
It is a new day
The air is brisk and fresh
The sky is clear
I am filled with reverence
All my yesterdays are gone
I do not attempt to resurrect them
I allow this day to unfold without their interference
The sun lights the way
It glows forth and warms my soul
I feel energized and prepared
This day will be a good one
There is nothing that can change that
I breathe in the gift of life
And acknowledge the moment
The silence is overwhelming
Its peacefulness contrasts the world
Their chaos is their own
Here in the dawn of my new day
There is no chaos in my world
I am free
There is no other sensation
Purity of this freedom is everywhere

Poetry by Engtovo - January 22, 2005


A close friend shared this with me. Love this!

Almost one year now

It was about this time last year when elation had set in. Feelings I had never experienced before. Such emotions. What a wonderful feeling. I wish the past can be re-created. Just this once. Let me hold on to this for a little while more.

I still miss you. I miss the closeness. Things have been so busy that I have had no time. I don't know if I'm just suppressing it and just sweeping it under.

Time definitely has moved on. I hope that I have too.