Your blog

When I read the entry on your blog, I thought that the reason for your apology was something deep. I thought that you were deeply sorry. However when you'd smsed me to explain, it was not what I had imagined. Maybe the environment was not right. After all, it was only via sms. How much can I tell from an SMS? I feel like I want to pursue this further. I want to know what lies beneath all those layers. I remember what someone had told me. It is not worth my while to do so.

Right now, I feel that I cannot be bothered with you anymore. Whatever ...

Realization

I realize that I am still hoping for more from you. And that I still have feelings for you. Maybe I am a little better. However I don't deny that I still love you. You will always be that special someone in my heart.

What a joke

Here I was fretting away about the meaning and the intention and the many other questions that came to mind. The purpose of the apology was because I was angry. You just thought that it will be a nice gesture to brighten up my day.
Once again, you have proven to me that you will only do things that you deem fit. This happens to be one of the things that fit into your schedule, so not much of an issue for you.
Maybe I have yet to figure you out, despite having spent much time with you. My apologies.
All these points to the fact that the ROI is not worthwhile to pursue further. There are others who have been with me through thick and thin.

That is not enough

I am seething with anger now. What has been done is not enough. Maybe it is just one of the things you have in mind. I don't know. I don't know what it will take. Maybe the apology is not even intended for me. I don't know.

AARRGGHH !!!!!

Anger

26th Feb 2009

I am angry!! I am angry!! I am angry!!! I am too tired to be angry. The same questions and emotions are evoked. I feel anger, hurt and pain after the initial short-lived elation. I blame you for the mess I am in. I wish I can control my feelings but I can’t. I can’t help the way I feel. Why did you have to re-appear in my life like that? Why did you sound so endearing over the phone? Why couldn’t you have remained someone who has been cold to me since? By sending me the roses and chocs, is this enough? It has been proven time and again that you will only do things that you deem fit. I still remember what you said to me. Perhaps you are now apologizing for that. Is that enough?

I feel like screaming in your face and to tell you to just leave me alone. The irony is that I want to see you so badly now. It hurts. It freaking hurts. I just wish that the tears would come and then I can move on. I don’t know why I am holding back.

I feel like screaming at you that the next time you want to apologize, just don’t re-appear in my life ever again !!

I hate you !! I hate you !! I hate you !!

Why do I get so emotional with you? I have spent 2 years of my life “with” you. I don’t know how long it will take for me to get over you.

I am tired of spending my time, energy and emotions on you. Please just leave me alone.

I know that all that you did was to send me the roses and chocs. I had persisted with the smses and calls. Please just never ever contact me again. Not in any way. Maybe in ten years’ time I will be fine.

Not again

When work got tough for me, I know that having you in my life will not make it any better any happier.

After you'd sent me the roses and chocs, I am now back in the old spot whereby I feel that having you in my life will make things so much better.

I am yearning for you so much now.

I miss you.

Identity revealed

I am glad that you had picked up the call on Monday morning. It was nice to hear from you again. I am thankful I could talk to you in a friendly manner. It sounded like you had a lot to handle that day. Hope that you are all right. I am sure you are capable of handling what you needed to get done.

What constitutes an apology? Action speaks louder than words. Are those sufficient? Right now, I just feel like I really don't care about my efforts put in already. I just want to meet up with you.

However a part of me is angry with you for showing up in my life like that. It also feels strange that you are apologizing to me. I am assuming that you are. Unless you are apologizing to someone else. I don't think I will ever completely let go.

Wonderful surprise

What a way to start the day! I had a wonderful surprise this morning. Someone had sent me chocs and flowers. It was a sweet gesture. Now I just need to know who is the sender.

So many questions running through my head?
- what is the intention?
- why now?
- what happened?
- are u apologizing to me? if yes, for what? what did u do wrong?
- did something happen at your end?
- are you all right?
- what is the meaning of this gesture?
- why arent you picking up the calls?
- why arent you replying to my sms?

ARGH! Now I am irritated as I am not able to confirm if you are the sender. Irritating ..

I remembered grinning from ear to ear though in the morning. I kept reading and re-reading the card to ensure that it was meant for me and not someone else.

I have this feeling that you are the sender. If you are, then I hope you reveal your identity soon.

I didnt have the ending I'd imagined.

I hope all will be revealed soon.

Feeling better

I am glad that I am feeling much better now. The week had started out terribly and I was just in pain. I had never felt that way before. I feel bad to have displayed my anger so outwardly on Wednesday. I vow to never be like that anymore. I need to remind myself of the blessings in my life. I realize that I have spent my days dreading tomorrow and it was terrible. I just need to enjoy my days one day at a time.

Interesting blog

I had read you blog. I wonder if you have messed up with your good friend and that's why the blog. Or is it just put up with no reason? A part of me wished that it was directed at me. I know it's wishful thinking as I have never been a major part of your life though you were a huge part of mine. Oh well... Maybe you had made a mess of things with any of your other friends. I don't know.

Anyway I hope you have made it up with your friend if you had indeed messed up. Or maybe that was just put up with no reason behind it.

Where is the light

Dear boss,

I give up. I freaking give up. I really don't know how much longer I can continue like this anymore. I cannot believe that I feel miserable when I am on leave. I thought taking a day off would help matters. Instead, I don't feel any better. I don't know what it will take to feel better anymore. I actually broke down today. I feel that I have gone beyond the deformation point. I am disillusioned and I am freaking tired.

Thank you for your patience and coaching me. Unfortunately I don't think I can contribute anymore. There is no way I can be a helpdesk and still prepare for the future plans.

Thank you once again.

Yours sincerely,

How do I press on

Right now, it is very hard to see what I can do to press on. Each time, the feelings of giving up keep returning very quickly. I am not drowning. I have drowned and sunk to the bottom that I don't even know if I can come up for air anymore. I really don't know how to manage.

Sometimes, I feel like I am supposed to solve everyone's problems. Yes, to a certain extent. There is however only one of me. I really feel like giving up.

I feel like I am on the verge of a breakdown.

Emotions

I miss being a robot, where I don't feel angry, I don't feel pain and I don't feel the hurt. Right now there is no happiness to feel so it sure feels like being a robot is best.

Moments of happiness have been long gone. I cannot even remember what it feels like.

Big picture

What is the big picture for me? What are the pieces I need to let go? What do I live for? What do I die for?

Recently there have been many issues that have occurred. One after another, the issues kept on coming. I don't know if I have what it takes to hang on anymore. Previously, I could fall back on the delusion that you will make me happy. Now, I'm like, that will so not work. Maybe I am moving on in this aspect.

I am really tired though. I don't know what to fight for anymore or if the fight is even worth while.

What will make me happy?

Good start to the month

Had gone jogging last Sunday. Despite the fact that the iPOD had run out of battery, I had managed to jog the intended distance completely and not at too slow a pace I feel. I felt good that day! I had also completed reading the book that a close friend had lent me. It was an enjoyable read.

I felt that I had started the month off well and had come out of the rut that I was stuck in.

I also hope that my yearnings for the past has decreased tremendously. I don't know. I still miss you once in a while but I feel a whole lot better.

I should have just told you way in the beginning that there was no way that I could be friends with you. It would have been too difficult and painful. Now I fully understand the reason why. It makes so much sense now why I had felt that way. You are a whole lot more than just a friend to me. Oh well, I enjoyed the companionship.

Sometimes, I still wonder. It could be the ego talking but oh well.

It is still not easy but it is a lot better. Much better.