Questions

Questions that I would like to ask her

1) Why do you rarely talk to me nowadays?
2) What had made it emotionally stressful for you in the past?
3) Have you ever looked up to me? Based on what I remember, I don't remember you mentioning that you want to be like me in one way or another

We have drifted so so so far apart that it feels weird. It feels fake.

I need to turn my heart off to you, to stop caring about you.

Thoughts

There are some many thoughts running through my head right now.

1) I still miss you.
2) I do miss her occassionally. Sometimes I don't know whether it is good or bad. I cant believe that I don't enjoy talking to her, for fear of upsetting her or something. So nowadays, we don't talk much. We have become strangers over night. It feels weird. I don't agree as to who she looks up to also. They're not the right role models. I wish I could ask her why it had been emotionally stressful for her. I have so many questions for her. I feel really sad and upset that things have turned out this way. She was one of the better ones. Sigh ... I do wish that the tears would just fall. Maybe I can then move on ...

The Future

I really hope that I had made the right decision. I hope she does the right thing. I am in fear of the outcomes. I really really hope that she does the right thing.

Even if I'd answered No to the question, there wouldn't have been any difference at all.

Sigh ...

Motivate

I don't know why I can't seem to motivate myself. Each day I am tired and I just zzz. I have a few things to clear, yet I can't bring myself to do them. I don't know why. I am excited about my project, yet I am so tired by it. I am in a state whereby I cannot care less any more.

I need to find out more about the project ... but I feel damn sian

Sigh ....

Future

The future is so uncertain. I don't know if I have what it takes to stay on to support. I don't know what I want to do and what I want, how I want to further myself. It will be so so different, I foresee that it will be like a huge part of me is missing. It will be highly similar when u left.

I know that I need to give it my best shot, to prove to myself that I have what it takes to survive on my own, rather than relying on others. It will be an opportunity for me as I won't do anything about it if I don't have to. I know that moving forward, I will be forced to change.

I really need to sort out my thoughts on what I really want to do for myself.

Adoration

It's upsetting and disappointing to see whom she looks up to. They're not good role models to begin with. I really don't know what led to this. I just feel so irritated !

I really cannot stand her any longer. Good luck to her !!

Evaluation

I was really touched by what I heard during the evaluation just now. I am glad to hear that I have grown a lot. The area that I had the most difficulty with is the area that I had grown the most.

It has been said to me many times that for me, my obstacle to success is myself. Nobody else.

I know that I have what it takes to deliver, yet I don't ... Perhaps I think I will look silly. I dont know.

I need to recall and retain what had been said to me, esp the 2nd half of the evaluation.

I was very very touched.

Dawn of a new era

I dont look forward to the dawn of a new era.

At the evaluation earlier on, I am still surprised by how my dearest friend can be so so spot-on with me. I was surprised by her last statement. I have never spoken to her about it, yet she could sense it. Everything that she had said was so so true.

I don't know if I have what it takes to carry on "alone". It will be very very different. I do feel that a huge part of me is gone once she disappears. I know that she is still around but it will no longer be the same.

I know that there is no way for me to be where I am today without such guidance, patience and mentoring.

I understand why it must be done.

I just need to see and reflect on my own, what is next for me.

Hands off

Today marks the day when I wash my hands off completely.

I owe her nothing and she owes me nothing. I am so sick and tired of having to justify to her till the cows come home. Our points of view are so so so so different and I am tired of having to explain to her. I am really upset that given that I had the chance to guide her for 9 months and it lead to this.

I really wonder what poison has been fed into her! I really do.

No more caring and bothering anymore ! Enough with the caring !

Disciple

It would be nice to have a disciple. To have someone who can continue doing what I do, to have someone whom I can have a great impact on and to mentor this person.

To have heard what I heard just now, I felt terrible. She was with her for at most 1 month and ppl see her traits in her already. I was with her for 9 months and I'd spent so so much time with her, and not even a single trace of any similarity. In fact, both of us differ in our thinking so greatly that it has not been easy for me to manage her.

I am not asking for a lot. However given my pathetic level of influence, I do wonder why I continue doing this.

I look at my past and all have left. I know that certain things are beyond my control but to have outcomes turn out that way is pretty painful.

Sometimes I feel like I have hit rock bottom as I have no clear sense of direction and the future. A part of me feels like taking a long long break. I don't know anymore.