Hope

I hope that you are fine and that the challenges that you have faced will make you a stronger person. I know that you are stronger than this. I know that you have what it takes to handle the setbacks. I hope that you are enjoying your holidays. I need to know what had happened.

I wonder what happened

I wonder what happened.

She had looked out of sorts this week. I know that I need to leave her alone such that she grows. At the same time, I feel that I want to make sure she's okay. I know that her start to pre-reg had been a tough one. It looks like it is the same for her journey as a pharmacist. I know that the challenges will make her a stronger person. I just wonder what had happened.

As I left for home on Friday, she was at the corner. The conversation looked serious. I wonder what happened. I had called her and she sounded really off. I hope you are fine. I hope that you are enjoying your holiday and the company of your close friends.

I don't think she will share with me what had happened. I don't know if I should let go.

Feelings

The same old feelings are creeping up again. Sigh ...

I do look forward to drive home with the wonderful company. I've enjoyed my drive home whenever she's around. She never fails to crack me up. Today, she was not going east. I felt rather out of sorts. I need to get out of the pattern.

Sometimes I feel weird as she is now under the charge of someone else. I no longer sense the closeness. I know that I need to let go.

I do feel upset.

Things happen for a reason

I know it takes awhile before believing that things happen for a reason. For a GOOD reason ... The recents events have made me strongly believe in this a whole lot more.

I was greatly upset when I'd heard that you'd joined another institution to do IT. I was really really upset. When I think about it further, I knew that there was no way that I could work with you as the feelings were still there, even though not much. It would interfere with work.

When I wondered why is it that the current one didn't want to do IT, I knew that she is not interested, especially in pushing things further.

When I wondered why the other one left, I do think now that it is not meant to be. She doesn't mean a damn thing that she says. All rubbish and All lip service !! What a betrayal !

From how I see things are going, things are looking up. I trust that COO will see that she is right for us and for the role. I hope an offer is made on the spot and she says yes. I am happy that a senior is joining us. I am also afraid as I am her junior. It feels weird to be delegating tasks to a senior. On a flip side, it means more things can be achieved. The pie is big enough for the 2 of us. More things can be achieved for the patients now ... A whole lot more !!!!

There will also be a junior who will be coming in soon who is interested in this. I would like to groom and mentor him. Hopefully he's the protege that I have been waiting for ...

Stabbed in the back

The recent incident feels extremely awful. I feel anger, pain, hurt and betrayal. Really ! TOO MUCH !!! It does not pay to be kind. I feel that this has hardened me, to NEVER EVER trust anyone anymore. Well not anyone but to be very careful and what I think may be very far from the truth.

I will not acknowledge her presence.

All the best to her ... REALLY ... She has messed with the wrong person.

Pain

What do I do when I know the source of the pain? When do I remove the source? When do I keep trying at it?

I feel like giving up. A stronger voice inside me tells me not to quit. I have been at it for only a short while. A really short while. Plus the hospital is moving. So it's a lot tougher. Yes, there are unpleasant aspects. There are also wonderful aspects as I get to know my colleagues better. I am improving as I go along. I need to give myself more time to adapt to it. Give it a bit more time. Focus on the good parts, rather than the part. Have the mindset of abundance. It can be done.

It can be done.

Shocked +++

I was very shocked to hear the news. I absolutely couldnt believe. The first thing that came to me was anger. Extreme anger! This was a stark contrast to someone else. This someone else did sthg about it. On reflection, I should have thought about how to handle it to make things better, rather than to allow emotions to overcome me.

That has been happening to me of late. To allow anger to overcome me to such great extent.

I hope and trust that she will make the right decision that she will be happy with.

Great dinner

I had a great dinner last night with 001. It was fun talking to her and just chatting. At the end of it, we were just discussing some stuff and I guessed my fatigue showed. Our opinions differed and I felt really stupid for saying out aloud my opinions. I felt small and stupid and I dont have what it takes to be successful. I can very easily understand the need to be switched off and to be lazy. I sometimes wish that my brain would stop thinking as there are just so many things to do. She on the other hand, cannot imagine what it's like to switch off. I have a feeling that it would be the same for my junior and for that I feel inferior, that I am not good enough.

Somehow the mood got lighter towards the end. I think she was just amused at some of the stuff it had led to. The night ended on a good note! :)

I wish we could have more of such dinners. Somehow I just feel that it's nicer

Freaking tired

I am so tired. I don't want to do this anymore. I am sick and tired of everything. I really don't want to do anything anymore. So pls stop asking me for anything. I don't know. I freaking don't know. I am tired of thinking through everything in totality. I am really really tired. The irony is that if I were to take leave or a short break, work is piling up for me to clear. As that is the case, I'd rather not take a break.

I don't know if it's because she will be leaving. I feel like a complete failure. The lives of people whom I could touch on are all leaving. I feel really upset and I feel like crap.

The other thing that is bothering me is that after she has gotten her license, all that she ever comes to me for is to take leave. I feel like ... huh, what happened? Perhaps I am being too sensitive. Maybe she is busy with the transition and many many things happening in her life. However, it's like a complete change. It is times like this that I want to disappear and like whatever.

Distance

I feel the distance growing longer and longer. Perhaps I am being too sensitive. Perhaps I am asking for too much and asking for more than expected.

I remembered the days when we were close and we'd shared a great deal. Nowadays, even the physical distance is far apart. Even when we stand or walk, it's far apart. Perhaps she feels emotionally awkward. Sometimes I feel sad. It feels like a rejection. I don't intend for her to replace you at all, not in that manner. This is driving me nuts.

I feel like I have yet to let go of the past. I am reminded of so many things of the past. I like what I saw on someone's status, ie Forgiveness does not mean forgetting the past but extending the future. I need to remember that I will never forget the past. However I need to let go of it.

As for the current, I don't know. I feel at a loss. I just want to just let go. I need to ask for advice.

Touching

I was very touched by what 001 had said that time. No words can describe how I feel.

I am very very fortunate to have such friends and I just felt a warm fuzzy feeling that day.

Once more

I can sense the whole cycle happening once more. It's now with a different person.

I think I'm falling for the current. I feel upset. I feel angry. I don't know. I feel like the closeness we once had is disappearing very fast. All the feelings that I had for you is happening once more, with the current. I feel stupid with the current. Sometimes I feel like I'm not good enough. Somehow I do sense the distancing. I don't know. Sometimes I just feel like disappearing, to just drop it like that. I do fear the consequences with that, for fear of history repeating itself. I feel that I let go too fast too quickly with the previous and that's why it had led to the current state.

Maybe I just need a break from everything, to have some peace and quiet.

I am very tired, very tired. I don't know what I can do to serve everyone. There's only one of me and so many of them. Sometimes, I feel like I am on the verge of a breakdown. Sometimes, I just put on a strong front.

I hope things change for the better. I hope she says yes and joins our team.

I must also remind myself not to repeat mistakes from the past and ensure that she shines as bright as possible. I want to see her go far.