Ich gebe auf

Ich gebe auf !

Auf Wiedersehn

Fallen

I never ever thought that I would fall for you.

I should have seen the warning signs early on.

How long will it take to get over you ?

One of the songs

One of the songs in Body Combat 37 : Track 8 (Sea of Love by Frisco)


Don't you never let me go,
Don't you ever let it show,
I will cry in the sea of love.
The stars will allways shine,
And I'm gonna make you mine tonight,
Tonight.

I believe in rainy weather,
Some days.
But when I'm down and feeling blue,
You will come and say.
Have you ever really seen the rainbow,
Have you ever really touched the blue blue sky
Have you ever really seen a falling star,
He'll be crying tonight.

Don't you never let me go,
Don't you ever let it show,
I will cry in the sea of love.
The stars will allways shine,
And I'm gonna make you mine tonight,
Tonight.
I want you, I need you
And my heart is beating softly baby
If you leave me, decieve me
I will never see the sun rise again.

Never fear what love can do, too you
Cause I believe we find a way,
This I say to you.
Have you ever really seen the rainbow,
Have you ever really touched the blue blue sky
Have you ever really seen a falling star,
He'll be crying tonight.


Why was this song played again at combat today ? Yes, it's a different instructor but it was painful to hear it for the 3rd time.


I remembered the part whereby the lyrics went "Have you ever really seen a rainbow, Have you ever really touched the blue blue sky" I remembered how you had done the part. You were smiling all the way throughout this this part and my heart just melted when you were doing this. I liked how you had done this. 


When it was "I want you, I need you.", I'd closed my eyes as I was in pain when you sang this out. I am not sure if you saw my reaction or something, cos you'd immediately said, "I need you ... for the next 6 seconds." Having said all this, when this part was repeated, I had numb myself enough not to feel anything. 


Things have ended strangely. I don't know if you were trying to reach out to me or something. However, you now have the upper hand. And you see through me as though I am invisible. So I'm not sure why things have ended as such. It doesn't make sense. 


I miss you so much. 

Emotional cycle

I am truly glad that I had managed to sort out the emotional cycle of no. 2. I feel that we are now quite comfortable. Perhaps this person finally understands where I am coming from. I don't know how I managed to do it.

Am glad emotional cycle of no. 3 never started at all, though there were some early danger signs.

However emotional cycle no. 4 has begun. And I am in it deep. I truly wish that you're thinking of me and that somehow that least you miss me some slight bit. I need to figure out a way to know more about you before making my next move. I just feel like having fun without any consequences or long-term plan. I just want to have fun for awhile. I wonder if you would be keen. I wonder what are my chances with you. I wish you would give me a stronger hint or signal. It has been mixed so far. I don't know what it means. Or are the signals to stay away so clear, yet I am ignoring those signals? The 2nd Sunday is almost over. I can hardly wait for you to come back. I can hardly hardly hardly hardly wait.

Sometimes I feel small or stupid next to you. For you are a lot lot better. I need to remember that I am not too bad. I too have overcome challenges in my life. I am not as bad as I think I am. I need to keep remembering that.

I truly wish I could talk to you more. However I think u're pissed with me or something. I don't know. I hope that I get to see you more often. I hope that it's not your last day or something. I will truly break down if I can't see you ever again. For now, you are my happy vitamin and I need you to get thru the crap.

Am I prepared for the consequences if I go up and ask you? If I look really stupid and things become awkward, then I know that I can never go for your classes and there goes my happiness to get through the challenges and tough times and irritating people.

I truly truly truly wish that somehow we could be alone or somehow just next to each other and then we just talk to each other.

Are you back on 18th or 19th? If u're back on 18th, should I just go? I am so so so so tempted to go? But there's a run the next day and I don't want to kill my legs. I will re-think this decision nearer the date.

I am glad that I had gone for your class that Wednesday. It has definitely helped me get through the week. I am so so glad for the encouragement and push to go for your class as I was really feeling lousy.

I can hardly wait for you to be back. There are times when I am on the verge of tears or a breakdown. I can hardly wait. The one week that has gone by feels like one month or even more. I hope the next two weeks will just fly by.

1771554.

If I can't take it anymore and u're back on 18th, I may just go and just hope the legs are still there for the 19th run. Or I may just do something stupid like go for RPM on 19th and then go for the run on 19th, since i'm supposed to be on leave anyway. I am so so so so so tempted to do that. Though I think if I were to do that, my legs will definitely kill me.

Really happy today

Am really really really really happy today. 

I feel good !! :)

What made my day today

- I have a good idea and picture of a certain aspect of the project. It feels much clearer now. At least it's a little clearer now as compared to prveious. 

- I had managed to handle a few things, really happy to have gotten some of the questions answered for the workflow. I feel like I've accomplished a fair bit with this. Really happy with this

= Had contributed towards a discussion just now and it felt good. 

- Am also happy that the majority see the value of another project that I am handling and want to push it to a higher level. I have great support with this and I know it can be taken to greater heights .. Am really happy that it has reached this state. I never imagined that it will reach this level. I feel happy to be part of a team to make changes happen and changes that will have significant impact on many stake-holders. 

- I am also very happy to have bonded really really well with the current. I feel that we have a great connection and are similar in so many ways. I am truly truly grateful as to how things worked out. 

- I feel that my relationship with my team is also much better. I feel truly grateful for having a wonderful team !

- Class today

>- Both classes, well 1.5 of the classes, were taught by the excellent trainer. I enjoy the classes tremendously

>- It was really nice when I came out of the changing room & saw the trainer ... Really happy

>- Very very happy too when she'd made small talk with me and she'd initiated the small talk. Really really happy that she had initiated it. It would be nice to talk to her more as a friend, rather than a trainee-trainer. I must say that I was rather surprised. Initially, I was wondering who was it who was talking to me. When I'd realised that it was her, I was really very very happy. I should talk to her more. I'm sure she's a friendly kinda person. 

>- It was nice when she'd smiled at me at BC today

>- It was nice when she'd noticed that I was down during the stretch and wanted to make sure I was ok. 

>- It was nice when she'd seen me during RPM today. 

>- Really really really really thankful that she'd taught 1.5 of the classes today. Really grateful for that. 

>- I truly enjoy her classes

I wish I could talk to her more ..... She's an interesting character. It will be interesting to learn from a working stand-point also, esp in terms of training new ppl etc. 

I truly truly wish I could talk to her more. 

Great day !

Today was a really wonderful & enjoyable day ! :)

It started off well. I need to remember the positive, there are some really nice ones who remember & don't give me a hard time. Some are really sweet. Am touched. I need to keep on remembering the positive.

Then had lunch with quite a no of them. Rarely do we get an opportunity to have lunch together. I cherish this rare & wonderful opportunity. It was really nice! Enjoyed the bonding time with them ! :)

Had then gone for BC & RPM. Found the classes quite manageable. RPM was a little better than usual. Maybe the classes got easier. I find her highly motivating & inspiring :) I enjoy her classes. It was nice when she'd spoken to me a bit more too today. I was just too tired to be more friendly today. I wanted to just drop dead already. She's really nice. I wish I could talk to her more & find out more about her.

I also need to smile more despite the tough times. Even though it may be tough, I don't have to be sooo fierce looking & not smile at all. I need to relax more & smile more despite the tough times & challenges. I wonder how she does it. Even though it's tough, she can still smile through. I need to learn from her on this.

I need to come out of my shell & start to talk more. I need to & I must. I will try with what I have or know for the moment.

Good things that have happened today

I need to be reminded of the wonderful things in my life.

I do enjoy my main work :) It's just some other non-IT work that I truly do not enjoy at all.

I was really touched when she had helped me with my bike 2x. She was also encouraging & motivating me as it went along. Really nice of her. Somehow she seemed to notice when I tend to switch off or am struggling. Do we have a better connection now as compared to the past?

I do wish I could talk to her longer.

It was really nice today. This is another option for consideration. It was highly enjoyable !! :)

BC Today

Am really glad that I'd gone for class today , even though it wasn't the usual trainer.

As she had mentioned who the cover was gonna be, I'd gone. I'd attended her lesson before & had thoroughly enjoyed it!

Other than her encouraging us by saying "Come on team!", I like her British/Cockney accent. I find her to be clear as well & she does give about 150%.

Of course, the one is still the best.
My gut feel is that education level wise, may not be high or sthg, unlike the cover. The cover somehow carries some form of high level intellect.

I find the cover's lesson to be at a more comfortable pace for me.

What I'd enjoyed about today's lesson
- the nice accent :)
- the encouragement as a team :)
- great instructor
- even though it wasn't the one, I was able to spur myself on by screaming in my head to give more. I'd place aside the fatigue & just gave it my all, whilst screaming in my head.

I had truly enjoyed today's lesson tremendously ! :)

Reflection I

I have learnt many useful anecdotes thru my gym class.

- Paint the analogy of flat road, climb (how steep, how far, how long), what it will be like at the top, flat road, climb, downhill (to relax), flat road, climb, flat road home
- Promise a break after a tough ride . What will the break look like or be? How long is the break?
- deliver on the promise
- what are the benefits of the tough ride? Why ride with me?
- be a coach - don't think. Just do it
- ask yourself "why are u here?" why are u here at this instance, this moment?
- be sincere
- be real
- show that I too acknowledge the hardship & together with you, despite the hardship, I will ride out the storm
- together as a team, we can achieve great things, beyond our wildest dreams
- dream big
- BHAG : big, hairy, audacious goal
- don't pretend to be strong. Don't hide behind the wall of challenges & pretend to be superman, to be so capable of overcoming it so easily. Let them know that I too am having difficulties. I too am human after all. Despite the difficulties & challenges, I will overcome them one at a time. Break the challenges into small pieces.
- break the challenges into small pieces
- I promise you that I will give u my best & that I will do my best.
- Let's work together to achieve beyond our wildest dreams
- Ride with me on this journey
- Be real. Be sincere. Let it come from the heart. Show my vulnerable side. The one who is strong is one who is brave to show the vulnerable side. Feel. Don't numb myself.
- Be mentally strong. Be resilient.
- Slowly build that mental strength

Note to self
- a relationship is 2-way
- if the other person doesn't want to ride with me, if the values differ, I must be prepared to let go
- can values change? Can the inner/core value change?
- no point forcing the other person to ride with me as it will then be a painful journey
- moving forward, my blog will be on my reflection after the gym session
- a person who is courageous is one who acts despite the fear. Courage is NOT lack of fear.
- it's time for me to put all these into action & take it from there & grow.

On Monday

I look forward to letting them know on Monday. I do feel a sense of relief on my part as there is no way I can continue like that any longer. I will die standing if things don't change.

Even though, I look forward to it, I feel a tinge of sadness. Having said that, I feel mainly happy as it will be 1 less thing for me.

I want to implement more things and with this, it will be possible.

I have found the answer as to why I am here - I want to change how things are currently being done. I would like to actualize my dream of the future - of how things should be. I need to keep on focusing on that.

I just hope that Monday will go well.

Good things for today

What am I grateful for today?

So many things have gone wrong ... I am not present. I feel dead inside. Inside even fatigue. Rather, it's being dead inside.

Where is that silver lining?

At least, I have food to eat for dinner.

At least, I had handled a few roster stuff.

2012

2012 has begun.

It has been a strange start to the year. I feel like I am in a daze more often that not. If not, I just feel like I am just going through the motion.

It feels like I have not answered the question "Why am I here?" I feel lost. I don't know what to do.

2 weeks have now passed. I feel like I have accomplished nothing in the past year. Yes, there were some here and there but it's not what I want.

What do I want to achieve? What do I want to push for? I feel lost.

I am now in a phase whereby "Whatever ... Just do whatever you want already."

A part of me wants to have a screaming/shouting match with you, I should no longer bottle it inside. It feels like crap to pretend that nothing existed, cos it was something to me. It was a great deal to me. Yet to you, it was nothing at all. For that, it still hurts. I need to get over this. I need to look through you, each time I run into you.