The past is happening again

When I'd called her that night to let her know, my feelings were stirred again. When I'd asked her how she was and if she was ok, I realised that it's how I'd spoken to you as well. When another colleague came back that day and I saw how she'd immediately gone to her, I was really upset. Sometimes I wonder if I am ever effective. I was once close to her.

What had happened?
Had I changed that much?
Was I blind to her thoughts and feelings?

I wish I could get away from it all. I wish I could just cry and get over it. It is painful to feel this way. I have numb my feelings for too long already. I don't know why numbing my feelings was the answer at that time. They are coming up now. I need to avoid her which should not be too difficult.

Losing focus

I feel that my focus is no longer there. I don't know what to focus on. My mind tends to drift nowadays .... wishing I was anywhere except where I am. I don't know.

I don't know if this is what I should be doing. A part of me wants to take up the challenge. A part of me cannot be bothered anymore. I need to decide. I cant be living in limbo land. It will not benefit anyone.

Perhaps I am in this state now as I feel that I have nothing to look forward to. Have I been drifting all my life? Is this really my calling? Maybe I should look harder to fill the void in my life. I am looking in the wrong places.

I really need to sort out my thoughts and decide.

What does it mean

What does it mean

... to love someone?
... to be passionate about what one does?

VL

I am on leave today.

It was supposed to have been a day of rest and reflection. Where I could switch off the mind for just one day. After all it is just one day. Surely I can have that? To just switch off for awhile. I hate to be thinking about work. Whether there are enough people on the floor. Or something.

I should not have replied to that SMS. That SMS had spoilt my day. Completely spoilt it. COMPLETELY !!!! Am so so so pissed. It was not like I was sitting on it. I have been chasing and chasing. Furthermore, the person i/c had a lot of things to handle. Sometimes, I feel like crap .... To expect to produce miracles. To expect to always solve problems. Decide on something already!!! I absolutely hate it ! ABSOLUTELY hate it !

I don't feel like going back to work tomorrow. I wish I was on long leave. Or long MC. Or long hospitalisation leave. I really dont freaking care anymore! Screw everything !

I hate chasing for things! I hate being chased for things! I wish I could disappear & never return. Perhaps death is a better option. On reflection, having said all these, is it that bad to have wished for death? After all, I can just resign and look for other things. I don't know if my heart is still here. I have wondered "What do I want? What next after this?" I cannot see myself beyond March in this organisation. I don't know what I want to do. I am so sick and tired of everything.

Having to deal with manpower is so so so so so painful . A part of me just wants to tender already. Really ... why should I care anymore? Screw everything !! My main reason for staying on is to see implementation of certain IT stuff. At the rate, things are going, I don't know if it is going to happen anymore. I am tired of waiting. I don't know if this is what I want.

I had also decided to check my email. Bad move ! I saw this email for which I have no idea what else to do. I am so sick and tired of everything. I have tried all that I can and still nothing works. I am on the verge of tears. Everyone is on MC or leave or something. I want to be on LONG MC too .... It will be so much better than having to deal with this crap.

I dont know what should my focus be.

Dreams

Of late, my recent dreams had her in them. There were times when in my dreams, we're together together. I wonder what this means. I hope that my feelings don't come up again. Perhaps it's a sign that I need to just have a good cry.

Sigh

Past & Present

I remembered asking this question ... How did someone so close become so distant?

This same question is being asked with her. I do wish that I could just have a good cry with her such that I can get over it and move on. i find the distance so fake. I also feel that she has changed so much. I see many traits now that I didn't see in the past. Was I that blind in the past?

I am tired of having to handle her at times ... Really really tired.

Sometimes I feel like shouting out .... I dont give a freaking damn anymore.