VL

I am on leave today.

It was supposed to have been a day of rest and reflection. Where I could switch off the mind for just one day. After all it is just one day. Surely I can have that? To just switch off for awhile. I hate to be thinking about work. Whether there are enough people on the floor. Or something.

I should not have replied to that SMS. That SMS had spoilt my day. Completely spoilt it. COMPLETELY !!!! Am so so so pissed. It was not like I was sitting on it. I have been chasing and chasing. Furthermore, the person i/c had a lot of things to handle. Sometimes, I feel like crap .... To expect to produce miracles. To expect to always solve problems. Decide on something already!!! I absolutely hate it ! ABSOLUTELY hate it !

I don't feel like going back to work tomorrow. I wish I was on long leave. Or long MC. Or long hospitalisation leave. I really dont freaking care anymore! Screw everything !

I hate chasing for things! I hate being chased for things! I wish I could disappear & never return. Perhaps death is a better option. On reflection, having said all these, is it that bad to have wished for death? After all, I can just resign and look for other things. I don't know if my heart is still here. I have wondered "What do I want? What next after this?" I cannot see myself beyond March in this organisation. I don't know what I want to do. I am so sick and tired of everything.

Having to deal with manpower is so so so so so painful . A part of me just wants to tender already. Really ... why should I care anymore? Screw everything !! My main reason for staying on is to see implementation of certain IT stuff. At the rate, things are going, I don't know if it is going to happen anymore. I am tired of waiting. I don't know if this is what I want.

I had also decided to check my email. Bad move ! I saw this email for which I have no idea what else to do. I am so sick and tired of everything. I have tried all that I can and still nothing works. I am on the verge of tears. Everyone is on MC or leave or something. I want to be on LONG MC too .... It will be so much better than having to deal with this crap.

I dont know what should my focus be.