Hormonal

I seriously hope it's the hormones. This morning, I had woken up with a heavy heart. I suddenly missed you. I have so much difficulty in letting go. When I had read one of the obituaries today "Without you in my life, it has no meaning and purpose." I remembered what it was like. I remembered how it was that how my life revolved around. I remembered how I wanted to take care of you and to protect you. I wouldn't even let you get wet in the rain. If only I had taken a step back then to reflect and to stay away then. I am in it so deep now that I am having much difficulty climbing out of it.

I wished I didn't feel this way. It really is silly that I am being emotional when you don't give a damn. That may be too harsh but how it has always been is that, you will do what suits you. You don't even feel a tiny bit about me. I don't even know if you treasure my friendship. And here I am, missing you.
I wonder when will I ever get better.

Swimming and jogging

I cant believe I had gone jogging after swimming. Though it was not much and I didnt complete the number of intended rounds, I was happy with the effort. I felt like going home. Yet, I had managed to do both, one after the other. I need to build up my muscles such that I can do both. It was fun jogging with 001. I felt bad that I made her shorten the route. I was really taking shallow breaths. I need to better my breathing technique. I hope I will be able to jog the half non-stop.

Painful

Had cried this morning. What a terrible start to the day. Had read a work email and I felt that it was not justified. I may be wrong as I did not think further. However I had really thought that it was fine. Sometimes I wonder if it is worth it. The harsh reality hurts.

I thought I was not affected by your updates yesterday. I may just be numbing myself. I was angry when I imagined that you are having fun. I don't want to deny you having fun. It is just really stupid of me to be in misery when you are really happy and having tonnes of fun.

When I think about what you are doing for the others and your recent treatment, I am upset. It really is stupid of me to have wasted my time, energy, effort, emotions and money. Oh well. That is the past. The past is the past.

I need to be in the present and look forward to the future. I have done all that I can. It was good to have deleted you from my msn. That helped tremendously. Now that I have deleted you from my facebook, it is complete cut-off from the cyber world. In the normal world, I have done all that I can.

I just now need to recover.

Online status

I used to check if you are online on facebook. It used to be killing me as I contemplate if I should check. Just now, as I went online on facebook, I couldnt even be bothered to see who is online. Maybe this symbolizes one step forward for me.

Friends and work

I used to think that friends and work cannot exist together. I felt that the two will conflict. I didn't want to have any close friends at work. I was fearful. Now I have a few good close friends at work. I am thankful for them and for their friendship that they have extended to me. Without their support and encouragement, I will have had a tough time.

Fun day

Ooohhh ... What a fun day it has been today! Didn't do much but it feels good :) There is no need to have accomplished so many things in one day to have to feel great. Had a lazy today. Feels nice :) Got the left side view mirror sorted out. Had lunch with sis. Went swimming despite wondering if it will rain and feeling sleepy. Don't know how I pulled that off. It was a nice swim. Even though it was a little crowded, the section that I swam at was nice and quiet and peaceful. Went walking at leisure park with sis. It was fun exploring the place. Then had ice cream at ice cream chef. Had dinner. Have been eating too much these days. Need to cut down on the eating. If not, will be difficult to jog for the 21km. It has been a fun lovely day !!! :)

Chewing on it

I was caught off guard when my dear close friend asked me if I had thought about her reply. As I was talking about work, I thought it was work related. When I realized that she was referring to you, I was surprised. I had then replied what I had thought about your reply. Things are beginning to be clearer to me. I had then asked her what made her bring up the subject. She had mentioned that there was just something about the reply that she wanted to talk to me about but she couldn't put her finger to it. After much chewing, it hit her yesterday. She had told me that she must tell me about it. I may not have gotten exactly the same thing but the essence is there.

I deserve better than what you have provided thus far. Your actions have proven to me who my real friends are. I am ashamed that I have taken them for granted. I have never treasured them enough. This ends now.

Such fun

Yesterday was 001's daughter's birthday. It was so much fun. Am thankful that I am allowed into their lives. They are such a joy to be with! :) The cake was yummy too! :P

Further reflection

“Chill it … Take care”
“You said you needed time … You needed space … You needed to be away … I gave it to you…”

A close and good friend had asked me if I had thought through your reply. I said yes.

I was surprised at your reply. I was expecting something whereby you'll support my decision and this was what I had in mind, "Okay, I'll expedite it. Do take care." I felt that your reply was selfish and that you did not care at all. Time and again, it has been proven to me that if what I did didn't fit in with you, the impression that I get is that it’s my own problem. You have done all that you can. My question then is “Have you?” I have put in so much effort, time, money and emotions in my relationship/friendship you. I am not expecting anything in return. However when I see how I am being treated by you in times of this difficulty, I am shocked and upset. I have always made excuses for you. I am going to put a stop to that and think through objectively and in a rational manner.

When I take a good look at the overall problem, I see the negative that I have chosen to ignore too often. When I weigh the pluses against the minuses, the end of it all is that it is in the negative. There have been times when I wanted you as more than a friend. Now I have even asked myself, if I even want such a friendship.

I am going to choose to come out of this a better person, not a bitter one. Initially I thought I will get over this faster if I hate you and if I paint you in negative light. I now know that that will not help at all. I am going to accept the whole package. Yes, there have been some good out of the friendship. I don’t deny that. I need to remind myself that on the overall, it does not make sense to even pursue this friendship.

I need to move on. I am going to spend more time and effort on those more deserving. I also know who will be there for me in times of need. I tend to take what I have for granted. I need to treasure these blessings more.

Getting up after falling

Had gone jogging today. Felt good, am glad I had gone. I was so irritated with myself at not having gone jogging and training for the 20km. I have no idea how I am going to pull this one off. My legs are so tired now. Towards the end of the jog, I had fallen not once but twice, one on each leg. As I approached anchorpoint, I must have been rather tired or I had gotten lazy. I must have also leaned forward too much. I had fallen. Am glad it is only a slight graze. I can feel the blue black developing though. Not long after, there must have been uneven ground and I missed my footing again and fell to my left. Am glad that I didn't sprain my ankle. I would have been super duper upset if I could not go jogging for the next couple of weeks. Am also glad that despite all these falls, I managed to get up and continued jogging as though nothing had happened. Am glad to have made it through.

Am so exhausted now. I wish I can fall asleep. However I am wide awake. Argh !!!

Love the new layout

I absolutely love the new layout of the blog. It gives me a sense of serenity. It also symbolizes a new beginning for me. From now on, I will on be pen down my thoughts on the present and future. How fun!

What I am now

A part of who I am now is because of you. Both the good parts and the bad parts. I am now leading a healthy lifestyle because of you. I am also lifeless, emotionless and in sadness because of you. I need to focus on getting better. Step by step and I will get there. I managed to overcome 20 years of never jogging more than 5 minutes. Look at where I am now. I have managed to jog 10km without stopping despite the obstacles. I am now going for a half marathon. I managed to get here in 2 years. When I first started out, I was so so slow that a person who was walking was over-taking me, even though I was jogging. My speed has improved. I am glad.

I need to embark on that same journey in letting you go.

Almost one week

Tomorrow will be one week since I've visited your blog or your facebook page. In a way, this is helping me. By not knowing what is happening in your world, I am moving on with mine. A part of me does wonder what's going on with you. I know that you are doing fine without me. I need to keep moving on .

Mount Faber

Had gone up Mount Faber that day after a sumptuous dinner. It was awesome. The view was spectacular. I don't remember the view as such the last time I was up there. The city was lit up in a beautiful manner. The weather was great, nice and cool. I had such a great time.

Awesome day

What an awesome day. It started off slow. Nonetheless, had met up with a good friend and it ended off great. Had so much fun. We went to the pool. We were chatting away. I hope that my presence will have an effect on this good friend and that this person will grow.

Book review

Am glad that I had attended the book review on Wednesday. Hearing that made me more determined in my journey to let go of you. My greatest fear is that I will lose you. The fact is that I have never had you in the first place. You were never mine. I fear that you are the only one who cared so much about me. The fact is that there are others who care much more about me than you. I have neglected them. Our friendship may have already ended when I emailed you that letter. I should just let go. I need to let go. I want to let go. I truly hope that I am now on the road to recovery.

Let go and believe

Let go and believe.

How apt. I am finding a friend's status to be so applicable to me right now. This is something I am struggling with, ie to let go and to believe. This is so hard now. I don't know how to let go and I don't know if I have what it takes to believe that I have what it takes anymore.

I feel like throwing in the towel for everything. EVERYTHING.

Day 1 of complete cut-off

Today will be Day 1 whereby I cut off completely. That means that I stop
1) hoping that something will work out for us
2) checking your blog
3) checking your facebook page.

It will get easier and better with time.

Right now, I don't know if I am numbing everything. Maybe I am. I need to stop feeling anything and caring for you.

I give up

I don't know what else to do. The only person standing in the way of me letting go of the past is me. Only I can talk myself out of this. I don't even listen to others. I don't even listen to me. I feel that I am beyond hope. What I heard yesterday was utterly painful. I feel like I am a terrible person. I wish I was dead right now. At least, I will no longer feel the pain. My death would not matter to anyone. I am really really tired. Of everything. I don't know if I have what it takes to carry on anymore.
I cannot stand myself right now. How can I be so stupid? How can I be so pathetic? It does not make any sense at all to choose an option that leads to eternal misery. Do I truly believe that I can never be happy? In letting go of the past, it includes everything. My bitterness when I was growing up. I feel like I am blaming my past for what I am today.
I can still change. It is not too late. I have changed my exercise habit. I am more healthy now. I can change the emotional aspects. I can. I have got to believe that I can. I need a louder voice to drown out the small voice that tells me that I can't. I am really really tired.

To paint a negative picture

I need to paint a negative picture of you in my head such that I hate you. Such that I hate you enough to let go of the past. To be in the present. To look forward in the future. I am really stunned and shocked still. My confidence has taken a beating. I don't know if I have what it takes anymore. I need to stop hoping and harbouring the wish. I know it will never happen. I should just stop hoping. ARGH !!!

Should not have

I should not have gone on and on. I should have just emailed u the summarized version. I should have just smsed you the question. ARGH!!! I feel so stupid. I am so tired of feeling and of caring. A part of what I am today is because of you. Both the good parts and the bad parts. I need to figure out a way on how to remove the bad parts and to keep the good parts. I am stunned to have heard such harsh remarks from 001. Have I become lifeless and emotionless? 001 had also mentioned a few more words to describe what I have become today. However I decided to not hear as it was too painful. I have numbed out everything and to hear only what I want to hear. What have I become?

Not working out

Hi,

this is not working out for me. I have tried all that I can and it is still not enough. Even after not meeting up with you and cutting off contact, your presence for a really short duration triggered me again. The vicious cycle of pain, anger and hurt. During the time I had cut off contact, I felt happy and more at peace. I felt like my old self was returning. When I saw you at FAPA, a huge wave of emotions came over me. I thought I had let go of the past as I felt like I was getting better. Unfortunately, that is not the case. I was trembling when we were conversing. It is really painful for me right now.

I just thought I should let you know that I won't be meeting up with you for a much longer period of time maybe for at least 1 more year. To be honest, I don't even know if I am ready by then. Even if I am, I will then fear being triggered the wrong way again. I do not want my efforts to go to waste. It is tiring to have to go through the vicious cycle and having put in much efforts to get out of the cycle, I do not want to go into the cycle anymore. I have gone through this cycle at least few times already.

For my sanity and happiness, I am walking away from this friendship. As such, I would like to appeal that you change the mailing address for your bank statement. I understand that it will take some time to take effect. I would appreciate it if it is changed by Feb 2009. If the bank cannot accomodate to this, do let me know.

Lastly, thank you for all that you have done. I appreciate them. It is just that in order for me to move on with my life, I need to cut you off completely. I know that you are in good hands and that you have many friends who care a great deal about you. As such, I do not think that my disappearance will affect you in any way at all.

Do take care Jen.

rgds,
Shark

Ending it email

Hi,

I feel that it does not make sense for me to send you your monthly bank statements as you will not receive it in a timely manner.

May I suggest
a) To change the mailing address
b) I will collate and mail it to you after x months, maybe 6 months or so?

If you are ok with receiving it after 6 months, it gives me the impression that it is not important to you. Can I just throw away the documents then? It is truly a waste of my money that I have to mail them to you. Another aspect is that it will trigger me off again.

Right now, all that I feel is hurt and pain.

I wish I could cry but there are no tears.

Cold

I still find that sms to be rather cold. I don't know. Maybe no sms will be right from you. I really hate you right now. I feel really stupid. I feel like emailing you a letter that I am walking out from this friendship. It hurts. It truly hurts. I know that it will hurt as it heals. What an irony. It is so so painful that my friendship with you ends. Just as how it will hit me that I have loved you, the same pain will hit me when I internalize that I am ending my friendship with you. There have been times when I feel like "This kinda friend, give me also I don't want". Maybe when I am feeling pain, I am not seeing you as a friend but as someone whom I yearn.

Decision

It is in every one’s interest (including yours and mine) that I end my friendship with you. I am upset when I meet you. I then hate you and blame you for the mess I am in. I am sure you are upset with me for not having let go of the past. Right now, on reflection, I have done all that I can such that I can be friends with you. I truly thought I had let go about 80%. However just having seen you and it was only you last Saturday, it was enough to throw me off again. I was trembling and shaking. I cannot believe that you were conversing with me as though nothing had happened. Perhaps that is your style of handling it. I was trying as much as I can to converse normally with you. However I was trembling and shaking so much throughout that few minutes with you. When I saw you with your good friend the next day, a huge wave of emotions came over me once more. It was as though I had not let go of anything. I have done my best. I truly have. It is still not enough.

The only thing left to do is to not even meet up with you at all anymore as I don’t think I will be able to handle it. It was a short encounter and it threw me off. I didn’t even see you with your good friend initially. It was just you. Even when I think I am better next time when I feel absolutely nothing, I don’t know if I will be triggered. I don’t want to risk and jeopardize my efforts as I am tired of going through this cycle time and again. Even through your sudden emergence of a short while after a long absence, my emotions are tied to you. I got angry and pissed. I realize that each time you come into the picture, my life is thrown off balance.

My life is better without you in it. I am happier. I am more at peace. I could think through rationally. I feel better at work. Right now, I just feel like a zombie and am going through the works. When I was in contact with you, I become angry, sad and pissed. All the negative emotions are triggered. It can no longer work out. I wish you yearn for my friendship as much as I desire for yours.

Sometimes I wonder if I am a weak person. What a strange twist to a robot.

Still pissed

I am still pissed that all that you said is Chill it ... Take care. It is partly your fault that I am in this mess. I am so angry with myself that I have not gotten over it completely. Many people want to see me get better. 001 was so upset with me. Argh !!!! Sometimes I still cannot get over the fact that the best thing for me right now is to lose something, rather than to have something. I have not grasped the idea I need to lose things rather than own it. Enough about you and the past. You have happily moved on whilst I am still stuck. 2008 is ending and I have not progressed much. Yes, I have moved forward but it is not much. I realize now even clearer.

Reflection

My life was once good with you in it. Or so I thought. I have now come to realize that my life is actually better WITHOUT you in it. I don't feel like crap. I don't feel angry. I don't feel sad. I am more at peace. I am happier. I know what it feels like to be happy without you in my life. I was there. I will get there once again. I need to get you out of my system. I need to forget you. I need to forget the past. The past has passed and it shall just be memories at best. My friendship with you ends now. What is best for me is for me to walk away from this friendship. To walk away from you. It is going to hurt even more now. I wonder if a small part of me is yearning what 001 said. I cannot deny that yes, a small part of me is desiring that. I just thought that that part had been getting smaller and smaller. It needs to disappear. That part needs to be removed completely. 20% is not good enough. Not even 0.05%. It has to be 0%. 0%. Absolutely NOTHING. Only then will I be on the road to recovery. Sigh. The worse thing is you don't even give a damn at all. Why am I then wasting my time and energy on this? ARGH !!!!
I know what I need to do.
1) Return your racket
2) Ensure that your letter is no longer sent to my place
3) Ensure that all your things have been returned to you.
4) Walk away from you and this friendship

Emotional dependence

Even through your absence, I am still emotionally dependent on you. I am feeling really angry right now. I am also at a loss as to what to do next. I don't know how to let go. I don't know how to drop it. I can't even cry. I have tried my best to forget you and the past but I can't. I was much better last week. Even 001 had asked if I am getting better. I had even told 001 confidently that I feel like I am getting better. I felt so sure. I was even ready to say "Game on" Who was to know that I will crumble? I know that the day I feel nothing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, that will be the day I have just stepped on the road to recovery.
ARGH !!!

Chill it ... Take care

Bloody hell. What do you mean by that "Chill it ... Take care" My pride is hurt and my ego is wounded. I never wanted you to know that I am still vulnerable. You may have guessed it but I didn't want to affirm your postulations. I am damn pissed that I couldn't have painted a better image or picture of myself. I blame you for the misery I am in right now. I hate you so so so so much right now. I feel like taking your racket and just giving it back to you NOW. Following that, I will then tell it to your face that I don't think I can ever be your friend. Even when I am ok, I fear that I may be triggered again. I don't know when I will ever go back to being your friend again. Perhaps by that time, it would be so long that we would have drifted apart and our paths will never cross again. I just feel like returning your racket to you now. Damn you !!!!! Damn you !!!!

To be numb once again

What will it take to be numb once more? To not feel anything? Which was better - to feel pain and joy or to not feel anything? At this point, I would like to vote for the latter. To feel pain and hurt is not something anyone will particularly enjoy. Right now, i just feel like screaming and screaming and screaming. I wish there were tears but no tears come. I can feel the anger building up once more.

More careful

I need to be more careful I cannot believe the stupid mistake I have made. How could I have hit send? I must have been very sleepy. But still, that should not be an excuse. This is what stupidity does to me. Why do you know me well? Why do my friends know me well? Sometimes I feel I should put on a better mask. However if I were to do that, then nobody will know the real me. I feel damn stupid next to you. All this has not affected you in the least bit and here I am struggling to keep afloat. I really don't know anymore. I don't know what you had interpreted the sms to be. I should have remedied the situation by sending out another sms to tell you that I had smsed you wrongly and that that sms was meant for someone else.

Sigh

Hilarious

I am glad for the hilarious comment to my status. That had definitely helped me overcome the crappiness that I was feeling. I am really thankful for that.

Juniors

Your juniors of recent years have been rather interesting. Somehow I played with fire with one of them. It appears that I may start another fire with your current one. I am just glad that this junior is not so free. If not, I fear that the history will repeat itself once again. I seem to get along well with this. The banter has been fun. :)

Poor execution

So much for thinking it through and planning it out. So much for the resilience. I still keep on doing what I should no have done. I had even asked for advice. Yet when the moment came, I panic and froze. I just stood there. I should have walked away. I should not have bothered to think what you would have thought when you saw me walking away. My pride stood in the way. I was also fearful of losing your friendship still. What friendship do I even have with you when I don't even see you as a friend? I was trembling when I was giving you your parcel. It is amazing how you managed to keep it normal. When I first saw a figure walking towards me, I could not make out the figure. By the time I realised it was you, it was too late. I remembered smiling initially. Then I remembered that I should not have given you the things myself. The plan was for someone else to pass to you. Why did I not stick to the plan? I only have myself to blame for this.

You look different. You look nice. You look good. I wish I could have talked to you more, as a friend. I still cannot believe that I was shaking and trembling. I tried as much as possible to be normal. I hope you couldn't sense that I was shaking. I wish my back was facing you then. You may not have recognized me from the back. I wish I was talking to my junior and my back was facing you. I wish the other junior was talking to me and all. I wish I had the courage to walk away.

I need to stop with the wishing. I need to quickly let this go and move on. I need to move on.

Later

I will be passing you your things later. I am just wondering if maybe someone can help me pass it to you. I really am not ready for the litmus test. I want to pass the litmus test. I am sick and tired of failing the litmus test and having to pick up the pieces all over again. The time for me to sit the litmus test is not now. Not yet. I have gotten so far. I do feel that I am at a few steps ahead than where I had left off.

Unless you're just sitting behind me, I'll pass you your things. If not, I'll get someone to pass to you. I apologize for that.

Argh

Argh!!!! I didn't think that you'd be going tomorrow. I thought you'd have gone for the other one. I was so sure that you would not be coming for this. Now that I know that you're gonna be there, I am getting all excited. I am looking forward to meeting up with you and my heart is racing. I can feel the excitement building up all over again. However I know what comes after the excitement. Terrible terrible low period. And I don't want to go through that again. I don't. I am so sick and tired of going through that. I am at a stage whereby I am so much better and I feel happy. I don't want to have to trudge through the unhappiness and spiraling downwards out of control.

ARRRRGGGHHHH !!!! What should I do? I really thought I was getting much better but I don't think much has changed.

Getting better

I feel like I am getting better. When I used to see you online, my heart will beat at least 10,000 beats. Now it is beating on 100 beats. I will and want to get the state whereby it beats 0 beats. Maybe deleting you from the MSN list has helped a great deal. It is almost as though I am cutting you out of my life. I remember that each time I log in, I will wonder if you are online. When I see you online, I get all excited. I will then reminisce about the wonderful past. Then I will wonder if you will talk to me. Cutting you off has been good.

Will you be there tomorrow?

I wonder if you will be there tomorrow. A part of me knows the answer. A part of me hopes that you will be there. Another part of me cannot be bothered. I just hope that this last part of me is getting bigger and bigger. Life so far has been good and peaceful. I have been happy. It could be tiredness that's drowning out the sorrow. It could be numbness that's overcoming the sadness. It could be true happiness that I am letting go more now. I no longer feel the lows and it has been awhile. Having the low period has been tough for me. It has been so long that I have forgotten what it feels like to be happy without you in it. I do not need you to be happy. I have all the important things that matter.

End of this week

It will be your birthday at the end of this week. I wonder if you are planning a big party. I know the last time you were thinking of throwing a party and you were asking me if I'd go if you held it in certain places. I am touched that you had asked me the last time. Somehow I always feel special with you.

I don't know what are your plans. I don't know if I would be disappointed and heart-broken if you didn't ask me but your good friend was there instead. I don't know if I should wish you. A part of me really is too tired to bother about this right now but there is still this small part of me that is asking all these questions and thinking about you still.

I just wish that I can completely forget you soon and fast as I am tired of living my life this way.

Somehow, I have been happy of late. I don't know why. I only hope it is because I am letting go.

GE 2008 vs 2007

GE 2007
>- was overcoming internal struggle
>- you, me and another friend were supposed to have gone for it together
>- however you were unwell and you did not go in the end
>- I had a hard time completing the 5km jog and without the support and encouragement from a wonderful friend, there was no way I could have done it. I took a long time to complete it as well

GE 2008
>- still overcoming the internal struggle but it feels less painful now
>- went on my own even though met 2 new friends at the start line :)
>- I suspect you were there also but am not sure. I don't know if it is good or bad that I didn't see you. I guess it is a good thing. I may have either crumbled there or later upon seeing you
>- completed the 10km jog on my own despite the obstacles such as few hours of sleep, laces came undone for one of the shoes, fatigue, voice in my head telling me to just quit
>- completed the 10km a little more easily than the 5km and I took less time per 5km jog as compared to last year
>- my timing has improved. Yay!!! :)

What a vast difference the one year has been. I have indeed come a long way in this. In 20 years of my life, there was no way I could have jogged non stop for more than 5 minutes. After 5 minutes, I would have just given up. However look at me now. I have done two 10km jog this year and am preparing for the big 20km at the end of the year. I have also improved in my timing and am a little faster. I am also able to do it on my own too. What a difference.

I am glad for this change and in being able to do this on my own, without you around. I don't deny that it is nice having you around. Nonetheless, I remembered being angry and scared when you were jogging with me, afraid that I am letting you down and angry that you are no longer around as much I would like you to be. I need to do this more often on my own to have the inner peace within me.

I am thankful for the improvements that I have accomplished so far :)