Decision

It is in every one’s interest (including yours and mine) that I end my friendship with you. I am upset when I meet you. I then hate you and blame you for the mess I am in. I am sure you are upset with me for not having let go of the past. Right now, on reflection, I have done all that I can such that I can be friends with you. I truly thought I had let go about 80%. However just having seen you and it was only you last Saturday, it was enough to throw me off again. I was trembling and shaking. I cannot believe that you were conversing with me as though nothing had happened. Perhaps that is your style of handling it. I was trying as much as I can to converse normally with you. However I was trembling and shaking so much throughout that few minutes with you. When I saw you with your good friend the next day, a huge wave of emotions came over me once more. It was as though I had not let go of anything. I have done my best. I truly have. It is still not enough.

The only thing left to do is to not even meet up with you at all anymore as I don’t think I will be able to handle it. It was a short encounter and it threw me off. I didn’t even see you with your good friend initially. It was just you. Even when I think I am better next time when I feel absolutely nothing, I don’t know if I will be triggered. I don’t want to risk and jeopardize my efforts as I am tired of going through this cycle time and again. Even through your sudden emergence of a short while after a long absence, my emotions are tied to you. I got angry and pissed. I realize that each time you come into the picture, my life is thrown off balance.

My life is better without you in it. I am happier. I am more at peace. I could think through rationally. I feel better at work. Right now, I just feel like a zombie and am going through the works. When I was in contact with you, I become angry, sad and pissed. All the negative emotions are triggered. It can no longer work out. I wish you yearn for my friendship as much as I desire for yours.

Sometimes I wonder if I am a weak person. What a strange twist to a robot.