Anger

The only thing I feel now is anger. So much anger!! I feel like screaming my lungs out. I thought I'd always done more. I don't know.

Another thing that I need to distance myself more such that I remain objective. I feel that I'm partially blinded now.

I am amazed at the similarities. It is just so uncanny. However I need to remember that there is one main difference, the present will never hurt me like how the past had done. Not that it was the fault of the past. 2 hands are required to clap. One is black and one is white. I need to remember that.

I do recognize that I am easily distracted and less focused nowadays. I need to get back my focus. I should not be considering such stuff. Perhaps all this is triggered due to my yearning for the past once more.

I don't wanna do this anymore

I don't wanna do this anymore !!! ARGH !!!! What have I gotten myself into? There are so so so so many things ... I don't know which one to start working on first. I feel that I am just putting out the fires. I really don't know how to plan anymore.

I am in so so so so much trouble ....

ARGH !!!!

Blissfully happy

I had been blissfully happy the past couple of weeks. I was on cloud 9. I was really really happy. I thought that I was just in a good mood. On further reflection, I know why I had been feeling so. As reality sets in, I am in pain. I need to face up to reality. I recall since it first began.

I remembered the remarks by 001. I remembered my first thoughts "You mean it's so obvious?" I should have done something about it then. I thought that I could control myself better this time round. I thought that I'd learnt from my mistakes. I fear not. Perhaps that was why I'd felt really terrible on Friday. The happy exterior was to hide a pained interior.

For the most parts, I am upset with myself for I have fallen for you.

I need to get myself out of this.

Sleeping it off

I can understand what you'd meant when you'd decided to sleep it off, forget the unhappy past and start afresh. That's what I've been trying to do since Saturday. I just want to forget the unhappy past. I don't know why I feel this way. Perhaps I'd already felt this way for some time but I'd refused to face up to reality.

Despite the crazy exterior, lies a painful & hurt soul. I am really shocked as to how I feel. When the present popped up just like that earlier on, I felt pain. I need to do something about this. Why must it happen at this point of time though? I feel so urgh !!!

Right now, I feel that whatever comes out will be super fake.

ARGH !

Will history repeat?

I feel that I am the same way with the present that I have been with you. Exactly the same. I need to take a step back and draw my boundaries even further. Was trying to explain earlier on. I feel that I am at my wits end. I really have done all that I can. Sometimes I feel like I have disappointed the present. That I am not good enough.

I was on the verge of tears. I told myself to not feel anything and to seek further clarification.

However I could not take it anymore and asked for it to be re-done. I had no time to re-write it myself. I don't think I am that good to be handling it this way. I don't know.

I am at a loss as to what to do. I don't know if it's a case of getting too close too quickly.

I was greatly affected during and after the conversation. My emotions are more involved in this than the previous. Greatly affected. I think the tears will fall soon.

I fear what has happened.

Still missing you

I do miss having you around occasionally. I must say that it is much better but my thoughts do wonder to the past ... and I do miss the past ... and I miss you ....

I wonder if I can ever find someone to share my life with ....

I don't know ....

The memories of the past are still there ... I don't think I'll ever forget them ...

Great dinner last night

Had a great dinner last night ! Felt that the food was yummy ... something different .... The company of the pre-regs and GK was absolutely fabulous ! It was fun talking to them outside of work :)

I was caught off-guard by the similarities that GK had pointed out ....

It was sweet when the pre-regs wanted to treat me ... Really appreciate the thought ... But I wanted to treat them ... so I treated them nonetheless ... hehe ...

Was really full last night ....

It was a great and fun night ! :)

Stunned by the remark

I was stunned by the remark. I know that I'd glared when that remark was passed. I was also a little uncomfortable. I don't know if I'd just brushed it off lightly. I should have addressed it there and then. I should have asked the basis for that remark. It was really strange. I don't know.

I know that the present is not like you. I know that the present will not allow me to even play with fire. There are just so many similarities that I am at a loss for times.

I just need to be more mindful.

I know that I'm very happy nowadays. And that is a cause for concern cos there have been many a times when I've remarked to myself that you rarely come to mind or that you seem like a very distant past as I've found a replacement ... And I fear what that means. I need to face up to it and do what ever it takes such that history does not repeat itself. For if it does, the consequences will be too huge to pay. It will be worse this time around as so many more things are at stake.

A part of me also feels a little down as I don't like what's going to happen soon ...

Letting go

I get so super duper irritated when I think about what had happened on Friday. I was so pissed off. It's not like she's handling a lot of things. Super pissed off. I need to let go. Different people different. I don't think I have what it takes to instill the passion. Her priorities are different. I need to accept and let go. Of course, I also need to Plan B. It's not personal, it's just work. I thought things would change. Alas, that's not the case.

Wondering ...

I wonder what will happen ... I wish I have a crystal ball that can tell me .... I hope for the best ...

I was stunned by what I'd heard today. Her senses are so strong that it's scary. I don't know what to say or to tell her. She knows me well enough to know the answer. I don't think I can act blur in front of her. She knows me so so so well that it's scary as well. With you, I'd spent so much time and that's why you know me well. Even then, I don't think you know me as well as she did within the same duration of time. She's so accurate in so many things that it's scary ...

I don't want to face up to reality. A part of me is still hoping against hope ... though it's starting to fade away as each day comes. I don't know what will happen. I don't want to think about it ... Whatever happens happens ...

However a part of me feels like I must do something about it ... I cannot just sit back ... I will await the decision and if I disagree, I will voice out ... Pls give me the strength to do so ...

SPECTACULAR

It was a spectacular show ! Everyone had tremendous fun! The feedback had been wonderful ! 001 had commented that I looked good ... that I looked really good ... really good !! I was beaming from ear to ear.

The show would not have been possible without an excellent team! I had great fun working with each and everyone of them! I am thankful ... I have also seen each of them grow a little in the short time I've had with them ... I am so proud of them !

On a separate note, when I see how much my preceptee has grown ... I am so proud of her ... She has put in effort to reflect upon the feedback . I am really proud of her ... :)

Differences

Even though the similarities are strikingly similar at times, I need to remember that the main difference is there. The present and the past are so so so very different. I know that the present will not hurt me, unlike the past. I need to move on.

Similarities

I see so many similarities between the present and you. Sometimes I get so stunned.

Some similarities
- the handwriting
- some of the mannerisms
- some of the remarks

I remembered you saying very similar things.

I need to be careful to ensure that the mistakes of the past are not repeated.

It was nice "hearing" from you again this am. It was really sweet that you'd remembered the date of my presentation.

Sometimes I wish that the past could be relived. I don't think the memories will ever go away. It will be there no matter.