What will I say

I dont know what to say tomorrow. I don't feel like saying anything at all. However if I were to do that, I wouldn't have done my part. I may not want to say things out of fear that another argument will take place. I feel damn sian.

A part of me wants to go back. Another part of me does not want to go back.

Please give me the strength to say all that I need to say.

Hurt, Pain, Anger

Yes, I was hurt by what happened that day. Why did I feel hurt? It was not even directed at me. It feels even more stupid to feel hurt. Then pain came. Then anger.

Why all these emotions?

Ego hurt? Pride wounded? Cos to have been hurt by a junior? Could I have controlled the situation better? Perhaps another I felt that way was because I couldn't control the situation. I felt that my suggestions were rubbish and not worthwhile. I felt small. Perhaps her actions are a reflections of me cos I have had the feedback that I am curt at times. I need to have more heart. Perhaps I feel like a failure. With the recent events that have happened, my confidence is shaken. When things and remarks were made yesterday, I felt an affirmation that I am a faillure. What if the project is a failure? A huge joke? Funds were given for this. I feel like I cannot afford to fail as I am accountable for every single $. Perhaps I had also not communicated effectively.

I am just so glad to be so busy with work as I have meetings and things to tend to, one after another. By throwing myself at work, I hope to work through this.

I am still angry and don't wish to make peace. I feel hurt. I feel stupid that I feel hurt.

I don't know how to face her tomorrow.

Leave

Wanna leave? The door is just there. I don't feel like talking anymore. Am sick and tired of this. I wonder why I do this anymore.

Please give me the strength to accept the outcome.

Tired

Am freaking tired .... Yesterday's outburst was uncalled for. She was really lucky that there was one more person present. Had that not been the case, a fighting match would have ensued that would have led to either of us walking out of the room. Was so so angry till I was on the verge of tears. Am holding back so much now. Am not going to say much from now on. Am freaking tired. I don't deserve that kind of treatment at all. Had it been with any of the rest of the seniors, it would have never happened that way. I had allowed for it to get to such a stage. Too much leeway had been given from the start. I need to start to put my foot down, from now on.

I just want to give a lashing. Too much emotions at stake. I'm the senior, I need to be more wise. I need to hold my tongue a bit more. I wish the tears would come already. Then I can move on.

Wouldnt know what to say

I dont know what to say.

"Hi. How have you been?" And then what? It feels so fake. I feel like meeting up but I don't see the purpose anymore as the possible new developments were not shared. So I really don't know what to say.

Maybe I should just SMS to indicate that the past is long gone. However I've already done that. It feels strange on my part. However I'm sure that it does not matter at all on yours.

The past

I'd driven by TTSH today. Had wanted to get the rice thingy tog with the bubble tea. However both shops were close. As I was driving around that area, I am reminded of the past. I felt wistful. I have been thinking of you a lot of late. The good thing is that I know that I've gotten over the current.

Challenging week

It has been a challenging and dramatic week. It feels like a nightmare. Unfortunately it's the reality. I wonder what will happen as the day gets nearer.

I am forever wondering how you are doing. There are some parts of your blog that I wish you were making a reference to me. It would be wishful thinking on my part definitely. I want to catch up with you. Each time, I feel like messaging you, I am reminded of the past. Even when I'd caught up with you recently, you didn't shed any light of the possible new developments. As that is the case, then what is the point in catching up with you. About one year ago, you had surprised me with a wonderful bouquet of roses. I wonder if the same will happen this year. I know that when I start wondering, I start expecting. Then I get disappointed as it will not happen.

I don't know if I have fallen for the current. If I have, I am very screwed.

Really sick

I feel really sick ...

1) I find it hard to believe
2) I find it hard to accept. Was I too foolish to have hoped against hope? There is no such thing as hope.

After all these, I feel like I should no longer care. No longer bother. Caring hurts. I feel the pain.

I wish I was numb.