It has been a wonderful today ! I feel really happy! This despite not sleeping at all last night. I wonder why I feel this happy.
I feel happy because:-
1) Perhaps it was because I'd reflected quickly on a situation and felt that it was not meant to be taken personally. I want to be part of the team that makes things better for patients and safer for them.
2) I'd good time talking to my preceptee. Managed to quickly resolve a couple of the PML technical issues. Hopefully the student will come back soon and can further fine tune PML generation such that it takes even shorter time. I hope we can recruit enough patients.
3) It has been fun working with JL on the intranet/internet. To have heard that she enjoys it too really made me high.
4) My working relationship with my immediate junior has improved by leaps and bounds. I don't know what happened but it feels more relaxed. I feel happier. I can sense that she feels happier too. I feel that she has made effort to reflect and learn.
5) To have heard from my closest friend that it was good to have me back at work even though she has yet to come back. I feel touched. I hope our friendship stays as strong and close for as long as possible.
It's been awhile since I was last this happy. Am very very happy ! :)
It has been wonderful ! :)
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Monday, November 23, 2009
What will I say
What will I say should you initiate a catching up session?
Why did you not share with me that you were leaving? That you were joining XXX? I thought I was at least a close friend. Or at least a friend. For me to have heard such news from someone else is so painful. I feel hurt by it. It's not as if we'd not met up recently. We'd met up and you didn't even drop any clue or hints of such movings. Even when I'd SMSed you to congratulate you on your promotion, you didn't mention anything. I wonder if you would mention such things to me ever. When I think of the times I'd spent with you, of all the things I'd done for you, this is what I get in return. I am not expecting in return from all the times I'd spent with you. However I do expect that it is just basic courtesy. I mean, if I am a friend to you, you would have shared such developments with me. I'd even asked you some more. I feel really stupid. Really stupid.
When I think of all the times I'd spent with you, those time were a WASTE of my time. This is how I'm being treated in time. It was a complete waste of my time. I don't know who I am to you. I am most likely NOBODY at all to you. It really hurts. Really hurts.
I don't have such friends. With that, I am walking away. You are my past and that's just it. My past. Friends don't hurt one another. When I think of what you'd done and what I'd done, the conclusion is the same, I want this a whole lot more than you. I put in so so so much more than you. I feel like hurting you for I have been hurt by you. However it would not be worthwhile. I am just going to walk away and never be in contact with you anymore. I so feel like deleting you from facebook. You are a complete WASTE of my time.
I don't have such friends.
Why did you not share with me that you were leaving? That you were joining XXX? I thought I was at least a close friend. Or at least a friend. For me to have heard such news from someone else is so painful. I feel hurt by it. It's not as if we'd not met up recently. We'd met up and you didn't even drop any clue or hints of such movings. Even when I'd SMSed you to congratulate you on your promotion, you didn't mention anything. I wonder if you would mention such things to me ever. When I think of the times I'd spent with you, of all the things I'd done for you, this is what I get in return. I am not expecting in return from all the times I'd spent with you. However I do expect that it is just basic courtesy. I mean, if I am a friend to you, you would have shared such developments with me. I'd even asked you some more. I feel really stupid. Really stupid.
When I think of all the times I'd spent with you, those time were a WASTE of my time. This is how I'm being treated in time. It was a complete waste of my time. I don't know who I am to you. I am most likely NOBODY at all to you. It really hurts. Really hurts.
I don't have such friends. With that, I am walking away. You are my past and that's just it. My past. Friends don't hurt one another. When I think of what you'd done and what I'd done, the conclusion is the same, I want this a whole lot more than you. I put in so so so much more than you. I feel like hurting you for I have been hurt by you. However it would not be worthwhile. I am just going to walk away and never be in contact with you anymore. I so feel like deleting you from facebook. You are a complete WASTE of my time.
I don't have such friends.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Trip
I'd taken a look at the photos that I'd taken on my trip. They're so pretty ! I think I look better with straight hair too .. Hehe :)
When I reflect on the events that had happened during the trip, I'd count every event as a blessing, including those blessings in disguise. To be able to experience all that I had done and gone through during the trip was absolutely wonderful. The kindness showed by strangers was touching. My sister had also tolerated my many many photo-taking stops. Without my sister on this trip, it would have been lonely and it would not have been as fun as it would have been.
It has been a good trip. I hope these happy thoughts last till June/July 2010
When I reflect on the events that had happened during the trip, I'd count every event as a blessing, including those blessings in disguise. To be able to experience all that I had done and gone through during the trip was absolutely wonderful. The kindness showed by strangers was touching. My sister had also tolerated my many many photo-taking stops. Without my sister on this trip, it would have been lonely and it would not have been as fun as it would have been.
It has been a good trip. I hope these happy thoughts last till June/July 2010
Lesson
It was a good lesson to have heard the news from someone else as this reminded me how much I mean to you. Nothing. Not even as a friend. I know my friends would have told me, without me even asking. I'd asked you. There were also recent SMSes but you'd mentioned not a single thing. Not even a clue that would have led to such developments.
I saw your reply to my email. Anyway, the door is closed. We'll see when you want to initiate the meeting up. I am sure that I will not be available. I am sick and tired of being treated like that. I don't want to have anything to do with you. Enough.
From this lesson, the pain of yesterday is still felt. With this, it is a good reminder to not get close to the current one as the consequences will be the pain that I feel now.
I saw your reply to my email. Anyway, the door is closed. We'll see when you want to initiate the meeting up. I am sure that I will not be available. I am sick and tired of being treated like that. I don't want to have anything to do with you. Enough.
From this lesson, the pain of yesterday is still felt. With this, it is a good reminder to not get close to the current one as the consequences will be the pain that I feel now.
Grieving & Moving on
I am glad that I'd teared. I was holding back so much when I'd heard the news from someone else. I was also reflecting on what someone had shared. Moving on and letting go does not mean not dealing with it. We are entitled to grieve and then move on. I've grieved and I'd moved on.
I need to remember this as I keep forgetting what the pain feels like. By remembering the pain only then will I not repeat my mistake. I have given you so many chances, yet I get hurt each time. It is not worth while at all.
I don't know if it's good that I am so badly affected. I don't know if this is a sign that you have not been replaced. Perhaps the current is background noise that is still minimal, which is good. I need to extricate myself out from the current one such that it will never ever reach the level that I'd reached with you, for it will be disastrous in so so many ways.
I have grieved. I have teared. Time to move on.
I need to remember this as I keep forgetting what the pain feels like. By remembering the pain only then will I not repeat my mistake. I have given you so many chances, yet I get hurt each time. It is not worth while at all.
I don't know if it's good that I am so badly affected. I don't know if this is a sign that you have not been replaced. Perhaps the current is background noise that is still minimal, which is good. I need to extricate myself out from the current one such that it will never ever reach the level that I'd reached with you, for it will be disastrous in so so many ways.
I have grieved. I have teared. Time to move on.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Upset
I am highly upset ! HIGHLY UPSET ! When I'd first heard from someone else that u'd left the organization, I was shocked. When I'd heard from this same person today the organization u'd joined, I was stunned. I'd asked if it was fair for me to expect that you will share this with me. I do believe it is fair. When I'd heard from this same person that you are like that whereby you will not share such things with the whole world .. my initial reaction is that I am not the whole world. I am different. I am special. I thought of all the times I'd spent with you, I'd mean at least something to you. For you to not have even shared this with me, I am deeply hurt and saddened. It really hurts. Even after I'd heard that you'd left, I'd asked why did you leave and where will you be working at, you'd given such sickening answer. You didn't even answer my second question. When you'd smsed that smiley face recently before I flew off to London, I was happy. I thought you were trying to make amends. I told myself that we should catch up after I get back from my trip. However when I'd heard about the organization that you have joined or will be joining, I was really upset. To have heard such news from someone else is really painful. I thought I'd mean at least something to you for you to have shared such news. I thought that I'm at least a friend to you and friends share such things. I have no idea why you are being so secretive. Perhaps you have been like that all the while to everybody but I refuse to see it and I thought that I am special to you. Alas, I AM SO WRONG!
I do feel that the times that I'd spent with you in the past is so so so wasted. I feel like I am nobody to you. It really hurts. Even though we have not met up for some time, I still allow you to have such an effect on me. I don't think I should ever meet up with you. For the last couple of catch-ups, I'd initiated those. 001 is right. COMPLETE CUT-OFF! You're not worth my time, my energy and my emotions. I am deeply hurt. Perhaps you have your reasons. I feel like meeting up with you to just vent it out on you to ask why. I am just so angry right now that I know it will be confrontational and that I will break down. I feel really really hurt.
I wish I could just say all these to you now and then just completely walk away and never turn back as we can never be friends. Maybe I am expecting too much. I don't know. I do know this that I WILL NOT initiate the next catch-up/lunch/dinner with you. I am sick and tired of always wanting this more than you. I am sick and tired of always making the first move. Deep down, I really just want to meet up and ask you all these questions. Do I really mean nothing to you at all until you didn't share such things with me? What are your reasons for not sharing with me these recent developments in your life? Even though, I am dying to vent it out on you and just thrash things out, I will wait for you to initiate. If you don't initiate, so be it then. So be it.
I do feel that the times that I'd spent with you in the past is so so so wasted. I feel like I am nobody to you. It really hurts. Even though we have not met up for some time, I still allow you to have such an effect on me. I don't think I should ever meet up with you. For the last couple of catch-ups, I'd initiated those. 001 is right. COMPLETE CUT-OFF! You're not worth my time, my energy and my emotions. I am deeply hurt. Perhaps you have your reasons. I feel like meeting up with you to just vent it out on you to ask why. I am just so angry right now that I know it will be confrontational and that I will break down. I feel really really hurt.
I wish I could just say all these to you now and then just completely walk away and never turn back as we can never be friends. Maybe I am expecting too much. I don't know. I do know this that I WILL NOT initiate the next catch-up/lunch/dinner with you. I am sick and tired of always wanting this more than you. I am sick and tired of always making the first move. Deep down, I really just want to meet up and ask you all these questions. Do I really mean nothing to you at all until you didn't share such things with me? What are your reasons for not sharing with me these recent developments in your life? Even though, I am dying to vent it out on you and just thrash things out, I will wait for you to initiate. If you don't initiate, so be it then. So be it.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Missing the current
I must say that I do miss the current. When I was about to leave, I was on the verge of tears. I don't know why such emotions overcame me. Do I love the current one that much? Has it gone beyond the level? I know I'm close to the current.
Dreamt of you
I'd dreamt of you last night. In my dream, you were leaving and I was never ever going to see you again. I remembered tearing when I'd heard it. I was so affected by it. In reality, I hardly see you anyway. I wonder why you'd smsed me that night. I wish we were more than just friends. I've been to your blog recently. I wonder whom you're seeing. A part of me is happy. A part of me is sad. I do wonder when will I ever find the right one. I know that I've not been looking in the right places so chances are going to be pretty slim.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Tears
I am on the verge of tears. I don't know if it's because I miss the current one. Or that I am going to screw up a project that is not too minor that I should have paid more attention to. I don't know why I do this to myself. Do I really enjoy being in pain? Are my time management skills that poor? Is it because of the background noise?
I really don't feel like coming back now. I just want to stay on forever. I also know that when I come back, things will be so very different. I really don't want to go back.
Maybe I should tender.
I really don't feel like coming back now. I just want to stay on forever. I also know that when I come back, things will be so very different. I really don't want to go back.
Maybe I should tender.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Same song ... with a different person
Lyrics of Broken-hearted Girl by Beyonce Knowles
You’re everything I thought you never were
And nothing like I thought you could’ve been
But still you live inside of me
So tell me how is that?
You’re the only one I wish I could forget
The only one I’d love to not forgive
And though you break my heart, you’re the only one
And though there are times when I hate you
Cause I can’t erase
The times that you hurt me
And put tears on my face
And even now while I hate you
It pains me to say
I know I’ll be there at the end of the day
I don’t wanna be without you babe
I don’t want a broken heart
Don’t wanna take a breath with out you babe
I don’t wanna play that part
I know that I love you
But let me just say
I don’t want to love you in no kind of way no no
I don’t want a broken heart
And I don’t wanna play the broken-hearted girl...No...No
No broken-hearted girl
I’m no broken-hearted girl
Something that I feel I need to say
But up to now I’ve always been afraid
That you would never come around
And still I want to put this out
You say you’ve got the most respect for me
But sometimes I feel you’re not deserving me
And still you’re in my heart
But you’re the only one and yes
There are times when I hate you
But I don’t complain
Cause I’ve been afraid that you would've walk away
Oh but now I don’t hate you
I’m happy to say
That I will be there at the end of the day
I don’t wanna be without you babe
I don’t want a broken heart
Don’t wanna take a breath with out you babe
I don’t wanna play that part
I know that I love you
But let me just say
I don’t want to love you in no kind of way no no
I don’t want a broken heart
And I don’t wanna play the broken-hearted girl...No…No
No broken-hearted girl
Now I’m at a place I thought I’d never be…Oooo
I’m living in a world that’s all about you and me…yeah
Ain't gotta be afraid my broken heart is free
To spread my wings and fly away
Away With you
yeah yeah yeah, ohh ohh ohh
I don’t wanna be without my baby
I don’t wanna a broken heart
Don’t want to take a breath with out my baby
I don’t wanna play that part
I know that I love you
But let me just say
I don’t want to love you in no kind of way..No..No
I don’t want a broken heart
I don’t wanna play the broken-hearted girl..No..No..
No broken-hearted girl
Broken-hearted girl No…no…
No broken-hearted girl
No broken-hearted girl
You’re everything I thought you never were
And nothing like I thought you could’ve been
But still you live inside of me
So tell me how is that?
You’re the only one I wish I could forget
The only one I’d love to not forgive
And though you break my heart, you’re the only one
And though there are times when I hate you
Cause I can’t erase
The times that you hurt me
And put tears on my face
And even now while I hate you
It pains me to say
I know I’ll be there at the end of the day
I don’t wanna be without you babe
I don’t want a broken heart
Don’t wanna take a breath with out you babe
I don’t wanna play that part
I know that I love you
But let me just say
I don’t want to love you in no kind of way no no
I don’t want a broken heart
And I don’t wanna play the broken-hearted girl...No...No
No broken-hearted girl
I’m no broken-hearted girl
Something that I feel I need to say
But up to now I’ve always been afraid
That you would never come around
And still I want to put this out
You say you’ve got the most respect for me
But sometimes I feel you’re not deserving me
And still you’re in my heart
But you’re the only one and yes
There are times when I hate you
But I don’t complain
Cause I’ve been afraid that you would've walk away
Oh but now I don’t hate you
I’m happy to say
That I will be there at the end of the day
I don’t wanna be without you babe
I don’t want a broken heart
Don’t wanna take a breath with out you babe
I don’t wanna play that part
I know that I love you
But let me just say
I don’t want to love you in no kind of way no no
I don’t want a broken heart
And I don’t wanna play the broken-hearted girl...No…No
No broken-hearted girl
Now I’m at a place I thought I’d never be…Oooo
I’m living in a world that’s all about you and me…yeah
Ain't gotta be afraid my broken heart is free
To spread my wings and fly away
Away With you
yeah yeah yeah, ohh ohh ohh
I don’t wanna be without my baby
I don’t wanna a broken heart
Don’t want to take a breath with out my baby
I don’t wanna play that part
I know that I love you
But let me just say
I don’t want to love you in no kind of way..No..No
I don’t want a broken heart
I don’t wanna play the broken-hearted girl..No..No..
No broken-hearted girl
Broken-hearted girl No…no…
No broken-hearted girl
No broken-hearted girl
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