It is time for me to move on.
I want to explore challenges out of pharmacy. I know that what I'm handling can be handled by others in time to come.
I feel sad to leave the big family that I'm accustomed to. I want to serve a few people. Yet I must look at the big picture and see what is best for myself. What do I want? Where do I see myself in the next few years?
I know that one of the good reasons for leaving is that
- I will never see you again, which will give time for my heart to heal completely. It still hurts to see you so close to others, except for me. It is painful. I just wish that I could cry but somehow, the tears refuse to fall.
- I will see my past less often, which will also give me more space to get over it.
I really need to move on. I hope to move out completely by April 2011.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Coverage
I am really tired from covering. It takes a lot from me. To also be available for so many many other things. It is too much for me. I am at breaking point. Very very close to going nuts.
I don't know why I am still in the department. I want to give up my license. I no longer feel that I belong to the profession. I don't understand any clinical things.
I am so drained - both emotionally and physically. To keep on thinking about work and how to improve it. The many things that I need to do.
I don't know how to do it. It's really SCREW EVERYTHING !!
Really tired.
I don't know why I am still in the department. I want to give up my license. I no longer feel that I belong to the profession. I don't understand any clinical things.
I am so drained - both emotionally and physically. To keep on thinking about work and how to improve it. The many things that I need to do.
I don't know how to do it. It's really SCREW EVERYTHING !!
Really tired.
This Saturday
It was really strange to have seen her that Tuesday. It was also enough to evoke such a huge reaction.
Nowadays I see through you. I don't see you at all. It pains me to see you. It hurts so badly. I pretend not to care but I am hurting inside. It is just so painful. I never thought that I felt that deeply for you.
I don't know if I will see her this Saturday. I have a strong feeling that I will. I really dont feel like going this Saturday. It will be difficult to get there, difficult to find parking, difficult to ignore her. I don't know if there will be air-con.
Nowadays I see through you. I don't see you at all. It pains me to see you. It hurts so badly. I pretend not to care but I am hurting inside. It is just so painful. I never thought that I felt that deeply for you.
I don't know if I will see her this Saturday. I have a strong feeling that I will. I really dont feel like going this Saturday. It will be difficult to get there, difficult to find parking, difficult to ignore her. I don't know if there will be air-con.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Don't give a freaking damn anymore
Am super pissed +++
I really don't give a freaking damn anymore.
- I dont care if the patients wait long.
- I dont care if the floor crumbles
- I dont care how the project turns out
- I dont care how the young ones are being developed
- I dont care how you are feeling >- Whatever! Sort it out yourself.
I really don't give a freaking damn anymore.
- I dont care if the patients wait long.
- I dont care if the floor crumbles
- I dont care how the project turns out
- I dont care how the young ones are being developed
- I dont care how you are feeling >- Whatever! Sort it out yourself.
A test
What a day today has been.
It started off on a bad note. Things did not get any better from there.
1) I feel that I am expected to provide answers at very short notice.
2) I feel that I am expected to provide covers at very short notice. It's not as if I am hiding anyone in my pockets. I have given all that is already available.
3) I am highly surprised that a senior could not see the difficulties of the manpower at that point in time. Furthermore, what was proposed was ridiculous.
4) People get upset when I ask them to confirm their VL. Hallo - it's your VL? I have to chase you to ask YOU if YOU want to take YOUR VL?
5) I don't sit around waiting for people to call me or SMS me or to just wait for incoming emails and answer them one by one. I have many many other things to do. So pardon me if I don't answer immediately.
6) YOUR problem is not the only problem that I am handling. There are many many other problems that I am handling all by myself - by me, myself and I. I have no cover at all. Nobody. So I have NOBODY to SOS.
a) IT problems - come to me.
b) Roster problems - come to me.
c) Workflow problems - come to me.
d) EVERYTHING ELSE - also come to me.
e) Things that I no longer handle - also come to me. I am expected to think through what is not for me to handle.
7) Somehow I feel as though I am expected to know everything. Hallo - I don't know everything. If another senior did not pass it to me, I don't have it. I don't know what is in there and what needs to be done moving forward. Ask that person yourself.
8) I was NOT supposed to cover today. The SOS came too fast and unnecessarily. It was still manageable. BLOODY HELL !!! Even though I had helped when I didn't have to and then had to go off cos I had to go off for a meeting, ppl not happy. Damn damn damn pissed.
9) I feel crap and terribly upset with her. I still cannot forget what had happened that day. Of all the things that I have done, this is how I am being repaid back.
10) The GREATEST horrible thing that had happened was at the IT meeting when 2 of my past were at the same meeting as me. What a joke. What a horrible terrible cruel joke ! These are the 2 people whom I had nurtured to be IT pharmacists. They are now sitting opposite me with other institutions, when I need help terribly. What a cruel joke! I know things happen for a reason, for a good reason. I have yet to see why this is happening to me. Why couldn't either of the 2 join me as IT pcists? Why? Why? That was the last straw of a crap crap day.
The heart is now closed for good. Never to be re-opened again. It is too painful to care. I am done caring.
Times like this make me want to just submit my letter. If the electronic med ordering does NOT happen, I will do just that.
I am this close to a breakdown. THIS CLOSE !
I can hardly wait for the day to end.
It started off on a bad note. Things did not get any better from there.
1) I feel that I am expected to provide answers at very short notice.
2) I feel that I am expected to provide covers at very short notice. It's not as if I am hiding anyone in my pockets. I have given all that is already available.
3) I am highly surprised that a senior could not see the difficulties of the manpower at that point in time. Furthermore, what was proposed was ridiculous.
4) People get upset when I ask them to confirm their VL. Hallo - it's your VL? I have to chase you to ask YOU if YOU want to take YOUR VL?
5) I don't sit around waiting for people to call me or SMS me or to just wait for incoming emails and answer them one by one. I have many many other things to do. So pardon me if I don't answer immediately.
6) YOUR problem is not the only problem that I am handling. There are many many other problems that I am handling all by myself - by me, myself and I. I have no cover at all. Nobody. So I have NOBODY to SOS.
a) IT problems - come to me.
b) Roster problems - come to me.
c) Workflow problems - come to me.
d) EVERYTHING ELSE - also come to me.
e) Things that I no longer handle - also come to me. I am expected to think through what is not for me to handle.
7) Somehow I feel as though I am expected to know everything. Hallo - I don't know everything. If another senior did not pass it to me, I don't have it. I don't know what is in there and what needs to be done moving forward. Ask that person yourself.
8) I was NOT supposed to cover today. The SOS came too fast and unnecessarily. It was still manageable. BLOODY HELL !!! Even though I had helped when I didn't have to and then had to go off cos I had to go off for a meeting, ppl not happy. Damn damn damn pissed.
9) I feel crap and terribly upset with her. I still cannot forget what had happened that day. Of all the things that I have done, this is how I am being repaid back.
10) The GREATEST horrible thing that had happened was at the IT meeting when 2 of my past were at the same meeting as me. What a joke. What a horrible terrible cruel joke ! These are the 2 people whom I had nurtured to be IT pharmacists. They are now sitting opposite me with other institutions, when I need help terribly. What a cruel joke! I know things happen for a reason, for a good reason. I have yet to see why this is happening to me. Why couldn't either of the 2 join me as IT pcists? Why? Why? That was the last straw of a crap crap day.
The heart is now closed for good. Never to be re-opened again. It is too painful to care. I am done caring.
Times like this make me want to just submit my letter. If the electronic med ordering does NOT happen, I will do just that.
I am this close to a breakdown. THIS CLOSE !
I can hardly wait for the day to end.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Tomorrow
Tomorrow will determine what will happen next for me.
- If the project is a no-go, I will tender.
- If he doesn't clear, I will think 2x about being one this year
- If someone else is promoted and I'm not, I will go elsewhere. Yes, this other person deserves it. What will it take for me to deserve it? I don't have such passion. I don't care that much people.
I feel like I am running in circles.
I feel upset to have heard what I'd heard today. Cos she didn't think I'd done a good job, it affects me tremendously. As long it involves her in one way or another, it throws me off-course. Even with a silent disagreement or misunderstanding, it affects me tremendously. I am so greatly affected.
How come she doesn't know me well enough, even till now? Even if I did make a mistake, am I not allowed to make a mistake? I am human after-all. Sometimes, it's crazy to expect me to be perfect. I feel that making mistakes is so so terrible in what I'm doing. So much is at stake with a mistake, even a minor one.
I am really really tired of everything. Tired of caring. I really need to switch off the heart. FOR GOOD.
It is too painful to care. Too painful.
- If the project is a no-go, I will tender.
- If he doesn't clear, I will think 2x about being one this year
- If someone else is promoted and I'm not, I will go elsewhere. Yes, this other person deserves it. What will it take for me to deserve it? I don't have such passion. I don't care that much people.
I feel like I am running in circles.
I feel upset to have heard what I'd heard today. Cos she didn't think I'd done a good job, it affects me tremendously. As long it involves her in one way or another, it throws me off-course. Even with a silent disagreement or misunderstanding, it affects me tremendously. I am so greatly affected.
How come she doesn't know me well enough, even till now? Even if I did make a mistake, am I not allowed to make a mistake? I am human after-all. Sometimes, it's crazy to expect me to be perfect. I feel that making mistakes is so so terrible in what I'm doing. So much is at stake with a mistake, even a minor one.
I am really really tired of everything. Tired of caring. I really need to switch off the heart. FOR GOOD.
It is too painful to care. Too painful.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
2011 has begun
2011 has started.
It is not starting off well. I don't know if I should continue doing what I do. Suddenly I feel that I am no longer the best person for the job. In many ways that one. In so many of the things that I am handling, I feel that I am lost.
I am also wondering what is bothering you. It upsets me to see you so off-tangent in that sense.
At times like this, I wish I was away from everything. Somehow I feel that I am living a lie. I don't know.
It is not starting off well. I don't know if I should continue doing what I do. Suddenly I feel that I am no longer the best person for the job. In many ways that one. In so many of the things that I am handling, I feel that I am lost.
I am also wondering what is bothering you. It upsets me to see you so off-tangent in that sense.
At times like this, I wish I was away from everything. Somehow I feel that I am living a lie. I don't know.
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