Trigger

It is still painful and hurting at times. There are some moments with you that will trigger the past, the wonderful memories that I have, that I have spent with you. I wish it never ended. When you leave, emptiness slowly creeps in. When this happens, I tell myself to stop thinking about it and to be thankful of the many good things that I have in my life. It still hurts, knowing the closeness that I once shared with you. Each encounter has yet to have a fleeting moment of the past. There are times when I resent you. Sometimes I wish that I had never crossed path with you. However I am glad that we did. You have pushed me and will not accept mediocrity. For that I am thankful. There have been many a times when I feel that you're my pillar of strength and support. I wish I could spend my life with you. It is just so easy to be hanging out with you. I am just so comfortable with you. I still remember what I said when I saw your profile. It has indeed become a reality for me. I wish we could go back to the good old days. Alas the past shall be that, the past. I still miss having you around. I miss having you next to me. It hurts. I shall never forget those numbers, that dinner, that day, the following day. Those were the happiest moments of my life. It is truly a great mockery that the person who has made me happy has made me sad, upset, angry and so many other emotions at the same time. I am holding back so much more now. I am distancing myself from you, such that I do not get hurt. There are so many things that I want to say to you but it will be of no use.
Missing you ...

Rollercoaster

Life truly is a roller-coaster, with its ups and downs. I'd managed to get up and start walking again after a fall. I had gone jogging today and I still can't believe that I could do it on my own, especially after trying out on Sunday and not achieving what I had wanted to achieve. It was tough. Somehow there was something in me that had pushed me and that I wanted to give it another shot and to do it. Thankfully, it was good. There were moments when I had wanted to give up. Somehow I managed to press on. I was so overwhelmed with emotions at the end of it all.

Last week was tough when the flood gates opened and the past flooded me. It hurts that I miss you. It hurts even more when you don't feel the same way. It is so painful to love someone and to not be loved in return. Why did I choose to open my heart to you?

I am just glad that slowly I am starting to stand up again.

Flood

It's now half a month into the new year. How time flies! I am not sure. At times, it feels like time has zoomed by. At times, it also feels like each second is slowly ticking by.

Of late, memories of the past have been flooding my mind. The old feelings have returned once more. What triggered this? I thought I am completely over it. What happened? Was it the push when we were jogging? Was it when certain things were mentioned? Did everything accummulate? Of late, work issues have surfaced so fast that I can hardly breathe. The trigger occured and the flood gates opened.

What is the difference between suppression and control? Right now, I feel like I am in a surreal mode. I am dazed. I want to move on but I am stuck once more. Have I been suppressing all this while?

Right now, I don't feel anything. Have I become numb? I still feel the pain at times when I sit down and reflect or when I just miss you. It hurts that I miss having you around, it hurts that you mean so much more to me than I will ever mean to you. It still hurts.

So much for starting the new year on a good note.