Vicious cycle

It still hurts that you're not by my side and not next to me. I need you more as a coach than as a friend. You have so much potential in you that I am awed and humbled. There are times I resent the fact that I have so much to learn from you and I have nothing to offer you. When I called yesterday evening and was turned down on all 3 offers, I was crushed. Perhaps crushed is too strong a word to use but I was affected. It hurts that I am not a part of your life. It hurts that I am just a friend to you. I am jealous of you and the fact that you have so many friends and I am just one of the many many friends that you have. I wish I mean more to you because you still mean the world to me. I have put up a wall and a great barrier between you and me such that I don't get close to you but I yearn for the days when we were close. The dreams that I had of both of us working together never materialised. I foresee that if that were to ever happen, I will be working for you and I am not able to take that. When you didn't sms me last night, I was wondering where you were. Were you still at work? Were you having dinner with someone after a long day at work? It hurts that I can no longer have that with you.

There are times I want to get away from it all, to get away from you and to hurt you if I can. I know that I will be the one getting hurt instead and not you. When I think of the time when you were away and I was missing you so much, you were happily making new friends whilst I was in pain and misery. Sometimes I equate cutting you out of my life as taking my own life. You just make me so happy that I cannot imagine my life without you. I know that I cannot continue to live on like this. Nobody in the right mind will go back to a place that hurts them. You make me happy. There are also times when I am with you and it just hurts as I know that it is just friends and that you are not my life partner. Emptiness and sadness creep in when you leave. When you sent me that post, it is just one of those things friends send to one another. However I wish it meant more than that. Nowadays we only hang out at most few hours each week. I know I should be thankful for that. In the past, it'll be few hours each day for at least 3 to 4 times a week. I miss that. I miss those days. I miss the past. I miss you.

There have been times when I just want to scream and shout that we are not spending as much time as we used to in the past. However I know that I am not entitled to that as I am just your friend. It hurts. It hurts.

I don't know if it's better if you had loved me for even just one day and for the rest of my life, you are not in it. True what I have now may be better as at least, we do meet up and hang out and you still do push me. However I still feel that if you had loved me for just one day, it will be better.

There are many things that remind me of the past. Each time as I take my black bike, having to put aside the red bike hurts.

I wish this vicious cycle will end. I still miss you. I do.