Suppression

It's driving me crazy that I have not told you how I felt about lunch that day. I feel like calling you up and telling you what I think of it. However each time I imagine how I am going about to do it, I see it being confrontational. I do not want it to be a confrontation. You must have had your reasons for saying what you said. Still, I feel that they're not justified. They were just so stinging and hurtful. That's what I think and feel.
It took a lot of restraint from me to not kick up a big fuss. I pretended that what you said didn't matter. I allowed the remarks to slide. I didn't want to spoil the festive season. After all, I'm sure you didn't want to be where you were also. What is the difference between suppression and control? I am still figuring this out. I feel that I have been suppressing a lot. I don't wish to break down in front of you. I have done that once and I do not wish for that to happen again. This roller-coaster of emotions is killing me.
I don't know how you are or how you feel. I don't know what is going to happen next. I am still torn by the fact that the person who can make me happy can also lead me to being upset. When you said what you said, I wanted to scream at you. I decided to control my temper. Perhaps you could tell. I don't know.
I am responsible for this current state I am in. Each time I am with you, i pretend to be bored and wishing I was elsewhere. The truth is far from that. I look forward to each meeting with you. My lack of enthusiasm has rubbed off such that you feel that I do not want to meet up with you.
The worse thing of this all is that I do not think you are affected by this in any way at all. And here I am, fretting away. It hurts and it is still painful for me. I feel like a cooling off period is needed. However I also need to know and understand what you said.
I hope that I can last till the day we meet to find out and understand. At the same time, I also fear that. If you still think and have this image of me that I am an outright liar and feel that you cannot have a liar for a friend, how do we move forward? Perhaps there is no need to move forward. Perhaps it ends. Sometimes I feel a sense of peace as I say that, that it ends. Sometimes I feel a sense of panic and anxiety as I say that, that it ends. I can see you saying okay to my request without feeling anything. I do not think it will be a loss to you. Maybe you'll be glad to be rid of me as I will no longer be a thorn to you, to always be bothering you and all.
Right now, I feel numb. Each time, I look at the hp to see if you'd smsed and nothing. I don't think you're sorry for what you said. Sometimes, I don't feel appreciated at all.
Last but not least, I hope you're ok and that you're having a great time during this cny. Your silence scares me. I hope you're fine and that the lunch didn't ruin the festive mood for you. If it did, I apologize which I have already done. I sincerely hope you're all right. I hope to hear from you soon. I can only hope and pray.
I wish you all the best.