Disappearance

I am sad and upset that I will have to disappear. I have no idea how long it will be. Some have said that it will be for 1 or 2 years. Initially I thought 1 or 3 months at most will suffice. Now I feel that it will have to be for at least 6 months. I keep going through the same cycle over and over again. I am sure my friends are tired of hearing the same old story. I know my friends also want to see me get better. I need time to heal and recover. Deep down, my tears are flowing non-stop as I cannot imagine my life without you in it. It scares me to death. Right now, I keep wishing it is possible. If it had been for at least 1 day or even better, 1 month, it would have been more worthwhile.

I keep running through the options and still wonder if there is another way out. It keeps pointing back to the same answer. I was asked how much longer am I going to keep doing this to myself. It has to stop. I have to tell you I will be disappearing. I cannot just disappear like that. It would not be fair to you. I am sorry that I have to take this option.

It still hurts that I am not by your side as often as I would like to. I get jealous that you are spending so much of your time with others. I know I have no right to impose that you spend time with me. Not that you will do it anyway.

For my sanity and happiness, I need to disappear. I want to.