People dont change

People dont change. How very true. Time and again, it shows up. Refusing to heed advice, this is the price I pay. Everything that happens happens for a reason. It also happens as I allow for it to happen. I have a choice and I choose to ignore the imperfections.

Why do I let it affect me so much? It probably has no impact on the sender. Still pondering and still upset. I feel like screaming. Screaming my lungs out. Screaming for all of this to stop.

I am tired of analysing. Will not bothering be better? I pretend to not bother, to not care, to not give a damn. Deep down, I still care. It hurts. The remarks hurt. Why is this so? Because I choose to let it hurt me. When did I become so sensitive? Why were they being said?

The past. It means so much to me. However what a shocking revelation. The past does not mean anything at all to someone else. How can one thing mean different things to different people? How foolish. One man's meat is another man's poison. Where did the rational mind go? Wishful thinking.

Was the old self better? To just observe and then make my move. Instead of just blindly jumping and falling as a consequence. What possessed me to do all those? Tears refuse to appear. Am I denying my feelings? What is happening? What is going on?

I truly do not appreciate such treatment. This has been mentioned before. Yet I just push it one side, thinking that it is just a small matter. Why be so petty? Just move on. Just let go. From here forth, it will be whatever. I do not know how else to approach this. Every step seems to be wrong. I am running out of ideas.

I will not understand. How true is that? Is my life that simple that I am unable to understand? Am I a simpleton who does not understand complexity and intricacy of matters? I wish to retreat, to retreat back into my shell.

I would like to be away from this all, to be away from everyone and everything. Perhaps to start life afresh, to have a new identity. Where can I go?

I wonder. Do those things that I do mean anything? Anything at all? But 20% outcome with 80% effort is so not worth it. i would like to say that I live by this mantra. Unfortunately it seems to be the reverse. I need clarity and move towards that goal. Nothing else should not get in the way.